Lurker > MrMallard

I've been drinking way too much lately, I'm talking like a litre of spirits a weekend, and I've been saying some pretty fucked up stuff to my friend. I'm talking about fighting the piece of shit my mother's been together with for the last decade because I never liked him, I'm making a lot of self deprecating jokes that go beyond the point of humor and into uncomfortable territory, and I'm just generally spiralling. This isn't even like a regular manic depressive thing for me, where there's a clear difference between the two states that I can discern and categorise - I'm acting like the world's biggest piece of shit when I'm drunk, then I'm spending all of the next day feeling bad about it. Every week, the pattern repeats and I feel worse and worse about it.

On Saturday, I shat blood after drinking half a litre of gin. Not just a few drops because the poop was too big and hurt me on the way out, I'm used to that - I'm talking enough blood to tinge the toilet water entirely red. This was blood in my poop, not blood on my poop. And my mind wandered to cancer, which I didn't take seriously because I'm not going to be that asshole who thinks he has cancer whenever something goes wrong, but I did think about my death in the event of a condition like cancer.

And I realised that A) I don't really have anything to live for except the people around me, and I don't even like being around them half the time, and B) I have no potential as a human being and it would genuinely piss me off if people started kissing my ass after I'm dead about all the unrealised potential that was taken too soon. I never even peaked - ten years of bullying broke me, and I had no self worth starting from a very young age. I am a genetic and evolutionary dead end.

Quick note to the mods, this is not indicating a desire to kill myself. I understand the process behind moderating accounts who express suicidal intent, and without a disclaimer like this I could understand being moderated for a post that's this frank about my extremely negative emotions. I stand by everything I've said so far, but I want to make it clear to anyone reading this that I'm not thinking of offing myself in any way, shape or fashion. That's a promise, I genuinely dislike the idea of killing myself and I won't do it. Pls do not mod.

Everything that's happened since the lockdown is exacerbating this. I stay home and drink. I don't drink socially because the pubs are closed. I leave my empties at my friend's place like an asshole, and now I'm starting to think he resents me - which, while an upsetting thought, I can at least respect as I view my drunken actions through a wider lens. I've spent every year since high school wanting to leave everything behind, just taking off without telling anyone and starting a new life, and that manifested in my hypothetical death scenario as not telling anyone in my social circle about my condition until I dropped dead. And the reason I found that idea appealing is because it amused me. Which, frankly, is a little sick.

The longer this goes on, the bigger the chance I have of genuinely alienating someone. I'm flying further and further off the handle, and I don't have an outlet for any of this negativity so I internalise it. And that feeds my mood swings, which makes them worse, which I then internalise again. If I keep going like this, I'm going to crack like a nut and genuinely lose control of myself. And the thing is that I don't really know what I'm capable of. I think I have the capacity to do genuine, permanent harm to myself.

Taking the opportunity to once again say that this is not a statement of intent - I don't want to harm myself. I'm recognising the potential for harm that I might have, but the context in which I'm talking about it is negative - the thought of bringing harm upon myself is extremely unpleasant, and I have no conscious desire to do so. This is not glorifying or expressing intent or desire to significantly harm myself, and once again I ask - pls do not mod.

One thing that I'm taking note of is that I clearly still have my wits about me, and I'm thinking about this critically. I still feel these intensely negative emotions, and I still feel like there's a dark culmination looming over my shoulder if I continue on this path - and by dark culmination, I mean alienating someone in my life, which would further feed my negative feelings and accelerate my descent to rock-bottom, at which point I don't know if I would even be the same person any more, or worthy of redemption. Frankly, I'm not doing okay. But I'm taking solace in the fact that I can at least step back and examine myself, because it means I'm not so far gone that I only care about feeding these emotions.

I thought I needed the break from CE that my recent warning gave me, but it just left me to stew in my real life negativity and I arguably reached my most erratic point since the lockdown started. I think I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

That's the post. That's how I feel. But one last note to the mods because I really don't want to be moderated for this - nothing I've written has been to express the desire to kill myself, and I say with earnest intent that I'm not suicidal. I am going through a very rocky patch in regards to my emotions, and there's a lot of darkness that I've expressed in this post. But I would consider this post to be an outlet for me to explore these feelings, and a realisation that I need to seek help in my real life.

The title is "I think I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown", I'm not an idiot - I'm not going to deny that a post like this was made at a point of desperation under the effects of severely negative emotions. But I'm not suicidal, nor do I intend to consciously harm myself or take any self-destructive measures against myself in response to the negative emotions I've been feeling. I do have very low self-worth, and I have a negative impression of myself, but I'm not out here concern-trolling with suicide threats. That's not the intent of this post, and I'll thank you not to interpret this post in that manner.

In short, pls do not mod.

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So you don't get to be a saint, martyrs never last this long
Now Playing: Skyrim, Final Fantasy X-2

and you're going to chuck an xsquader and lose your shit, and like try to destroy yourself in public

like you're walking down the street, and that little restraining seal breaks in your mind, and you think

"hmm yes I think I will try to break through that metal railing with my face"

it's like I would never bash myself in the face with a hammer, but holy fuck if I haven't thought about it, am I right?

Ultimately I don't want anyone to give into their wildest self-destruction fantasies, I don't even want to give into my own. Don't take this as a threat to my own well being or a bad-faith post instructing people to harm themselves, because it's not. I'm just curious to hear from other people if they've ever had that moment, where you think something fucked up in public like "y'know what, if I really wanted to, I could jump through that storefront window and start eating the broken glass"

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So you don't get to be a saint, martyrs never last this long
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Wow, I thought Donald Trump would be less disingenuous in this crisis which is taking thousands of American lives a day. Frankly I think it's the Liberal's fault, because if he was gonna be this rude and disingenuous, Donald Trump would have told me beforehand.

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So you don't get to be a saint, martyrs never last this long
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OrangeShirt posted...

Wow, a country with 303M less people has had less cases?

Wow, a world leader wants to re-open a country with 50,000 deaths due to a global pandemic?

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scorpion41 posted...

Well...that took a dark turn

i'm saying this because Scotty pretended he had a brother, then he pretended that this brother died of cancer

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Oh, this is about Un's sister?

The only person sent in to contact her should have a targeting device on their back. At the first sign of trouble, the signal should give way to a barrage of missiles meant to reduce the head of the NK hydra to smithereens.

The person sent in should be honoured as a hero for 100+ years.

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But what about people whose deaths are reported by untrustworthy people? You would think that their family would report an accurate metric of their passing, rather than pretending that someone in their family died who either wasn't dead or who never existed in the first place.

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The only American sent into NK to contact him should be someone sent to kill him

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You've still got more active cases per day than Australia has had in this entire crisis

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puppy posted...

It's like these TC's don't realize that there are literal records of socialism and communism destroying their people. Nazism, North Korea, China, USSR, millions upon millions dead because of their regimes.

Look at my example against Mao Zedong.

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there's no way you're older than 30, and she's 15 at the absolute oldest

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She's like half your age, sicko

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So you don't get to be a saint, martyrs never last this long
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Giblet_Enjoyer posted...

Were...were dinosaurs socialist??

inb4 "dinosaurs were Darwinist" followed by a bunch of stupid ass social Darwinist talking points

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megamanfreakXD posted...

Trump has to attend kim jung uns funeral. Thats why he canceled them.

He's gonna show up with a black veil and weep on the coffin like his widow. After all, per Trump's own words, he fell in love with Kim Jong Un.

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Is he still going to do daily Press conferences, but restrict coronavirus questions?

The last time a president buried his head in the sand like this was the AIDS pandemic - Reagan adamantly refused to address the fact that it was happening, and that was worse from the get go, but refusing to address the issue months after it became a global sensation because you're not getting a pat on the back for it is just disgusting.

If you want people to be nice to you, address the issue and make an active effort to combat it instead of getting buttmad over people criticising you over your piss poor handling of it and pretending it's not that important. The fact that tens of thousands of people will die under your leadership is worth addressing and reflecting on in a respectful manner, not refusing to talk about out of an inflated sense of ego.

Scott Morrison is a fuckwit who openly dismissed the very concept of a stimulus package back in February. He backflipped on that so hard that people are calling him the best prime minister we've had in years for the sole purpose that he's acknowledging and addressing the pandemic in a visible manner. That could be Trump, at least on a smaller level, but he's just going to serve his own dogshit ego because he knows his army of sycophantic bottom feeders will defend him. It's disgusting.

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If we like each other and she doesn't have any STIs, then who the fuck cares? She's fucked in the past, I've fucked in the past. What matters is that we get along, neither of us have any diseases to spread to each other, and we are down to fuck.

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Doot

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So you don't get to be a saint, martyrs never last this long
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I mean he does have a point about planned obsolescence. Make shit that breaks easier, and you have to replace it sooner. This practice plays into my point about limited resources, because a company would rather waste resources on a piece of shit that's made to be thrown away and get bought again instead of providing a quality product.

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So you don't get to be a saint, martyrs never last this long
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ssjevot posted...

I think you're mixing the ideology of capitalism, which is pretty broad and largely revolves around private property with modern business practices. You can have one without the other. Many of the best societies in the world are capitalist with strong welfare states.

Maybe so. It just feels like we're on our way over the edge of a cliff y'know.

Doe posted...

New jobs get created, eg the internet boon. Is what many economists would probably say.

Part of the issue is how do you define capitalism. Like, privatized markets are really good in a lot of cases for resource distribution. They cause efficiency, ie the best use of resources given the parameters the market has.

Restaurants are part of a really efficient and equalized market, restaurants do not 'create a lot of new wealth' but they serve people's needs. A nationalized restaurant chain would almost certainly not serve people as optimally as the free market does.

I feel like there's never going to be enough jobs to go around though. Like, retirement age is creeping higher and higher because older people can't afford to retire and because companies don't want to risk replacing a good worker with a relatively untested one. And even with the birth of new companies and the growth of established ones, there are always going to be people who can't rise to the top of the job market and flounder in unemployment. That, in turn, might stem from a lack of opportunities in that person's life, or from not having the same access to resources that other people might have. At any given point, there aren't going to be enough jobs available in America to keep all your hundreds of millions of people in a job. Even with the expansion of other companies into new business ventures, if those ventures don't serve a profitable purpose, any jobs it creates will be nullified in the end with that venture's failure.

Saying that, you make some interesting points in your other paragraphs. I guess it is how you define capitalism, and the other poster makes a solid point in that I might be equating modern business practices with capitalism as a whole. It's a fine concept, but I can't help but feel like the way it's going today, it's only a matter of time before capitalist society crashes headfirst into a wall like a speeding bus.

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inb4 "commie", "tankie", "free market", "freedom" etc.

Let's not mince words here, communism has fucked up a lot of people and authoritarianism has primarily manifested in communist societies. It's sickening that there are people who call themselves Maoist, because that son of a bitch destroyed hundreds or thousands of years worth of Chinese artifacts and buildings in an effort to totally militarize China and cement his legacy as a great leader who rose China to new heights of military aggression. The man destroyed centuries worth of Chinese history and replaced them with rifles and grenades, and it was this "industrial revolution" that arguably paved the way for China's sweatshop culture, not to mention the authoritarian way that China's government keeps an eye on the population. Mao Zedong is a piece of shit, and any fluff talk about the greater good that came out of his mass-murdering mouth was to keep people in poverty while he lived in luxury, like any despot - including that fat fuck Kim Jong Un.

So yes, communism bad. Don't get me wrong here.

But the thing about capitalism is that it relies on permanent growth. For a business to succeed and thrive, it's expected to do more and more business every year. By trading on the stock market, anyone with the money can buy a bunch of stocks in your company and become a shareholder, at which point they can have some sway in how you run your company. And of course, as a shareholder, you want the company to become more successful so you make more money. So when a company's earnings dip, shareholders bail or get angry, which might make them sell their stock, which might lower the price of your stock and make your company less profitable, which means you need to keep making more and more money unless you want to risk tanking your company.

But the thing is, resources are limited. We could create an unlimited amount of wood, but it's time consuming and companies need it now to make their products and make money. Coal and oil are not renewable, but we'll still dig gaping craters into the earth looking for it, even if it means polluting drinking water for tens of thousands of people. In Australia, the government gave an Indian coal company permission to open a coal mine right next to the Great Barrier Reef - the run-off from this mine will probably be the nail in the Reef's coffin. All in the name of short-term profits.

And for what? To stockpile the most amount of money? To be the most successful company ever? What is the end goal? Why do companies like Disney grow and grow in the name of profit, accumulating billions of dollars in revenue - where does the money go?

Capitalism isn't sustainable. Companies can't grow infinitely, resources can't last forever and there's only so much money in the world to be locked away behind the doors of a megacorporation. Capitalism is designed to collapse, the only question is when it's going to fail and who's gonna be holding the rope when it happens.

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So you don't get to be a saint, martyrs never last this long
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Anal Orpheus

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So you don't get to be a saint, martyrs never last this long
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https://youtu.be/jn-KkqQOres

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So you don't get to be a saint, martyrs never last this long
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Even a mule with a star picket through its head would be a more competent president than the jackass you have now.

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So you don't get to be a saint, martyrs never last this long
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An Aussie staple is "both parties are as bad as each other!", which is overwhelmingly said by people who vote for the conservative party every time, without fail.

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Dig deep, fellas!




that third picture makes me so fucking sad, you have no idea

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So you don't get to be a saint, martyrs never last this long
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Now this is worth protesting about, and the best part is that you can do it from home! When you see the corona drone flying past your backyard, attack it with anything you have laying around the house - beer bottles, guns, even another drone! Take the fuckers down, then stand with your community when the police come to arrest whoever broke it.

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Blue_Target posted...

disagree. 2 was better than 3.

I guess Men in Black would have fit this if there wasn't a 4.

I avoided saying "trilogy" for a reason, if it fits it fits!

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sLaCkEr408___RJ posted...

Still baffled how people believe TFA wasn't the start of the ST's problems.

TFA had to cleanse the palates of Star Wars fans after the prequels, so they played it safe with a soft reboot. And I would at least say that TFA ended up being a competent movie - each character had an arc, except for Poe arguably, the actors had chemistry, and the end of the movie sets up the rest of the series. So it's a little barebones and it's a bit of a retread - at the end of the day, it's a solid enough ground to start a trilogy.

The issues really began with TLJ, with the forced comedy, the inflated running time, plot points that are direct rebuttals to plot points of TFA and losing that chemistry between the actors by splitting them up. It doesn't help that Finn's arc starts over from scratch, and that the culmination of his plotline is a rehashed confrontation with the commander he fought in TFA.

The first movie did everything it needed to in order to build goodwill - Revenge of the Sith was liked well enough, but the brand had the stink of the prequels on it and Disney leaned heavily into the older ones to restart the brand. It's TLJ, which acts like it's asking deep and meaningful questions about the franchise, but what it really does is snipe at plot points from the first movie to shoot them down in the name of "subverting expectations" - which I initially fell for.

I kinda like TLJ for being a piece of shit, only because Star Wars megafans are some of the most obnoxious shitwads I've ever met and I was happy to see them get nothing that they wanted after relentlessly shitting on an otherwise fine enough movie in The Force Awakens. But I don't care as much about that as I used to, and now I see The Last Jedi as a bit of a turd and not much else. I do, however, think it's a more competent and even more watchable movie than TRoS, because that movie is a mess of lazy fanservice, scenes that must have been cut together by a hatchet-wielding chimpanzee on speed and a plot so threadbare you can basically see Walt Disney's decayed scrotum through the gaps.

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Smokey and the Bandit:

First movie - awesome. Straitforward, simple, hype as hell.

Second movie - bloated mess. The plot is Saturday morning cartoon-level garbage, the movie's like 40 minutes longer than the first one and the movie is marred by gimmicks like the Justice family all being played by Jackie Gleason.

The third movie - better than the second movie. No more Burt Reynolds, but Jerry Reed does an admirable job as this movie's wheel jockey. Plot is clean - Buford T. Justice has to transport a plastic shark across the country to win a competition, and Cledus has to fuck with him and steal the shark for the reward. Not the highest of notes to go out on, but a minor return to form after that turd of a second movie.

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lol, personally I would have gone with this:



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SauI_Goodman posted...

how can you say RIP and then rot in hell in the same sentence.

I think it's clear that the RIP is sarcastic and/or dishonest.

Also technically speaking it wasn't in the same sentence

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You've finished soul-searching, but did you find the reason why you faked your brother's death?

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By killing his brother, Kim Jong Un may have guaranteed the collapse of North Korea. How's that for a legacy, you fat fuck?

"fat fuck" refers to Kim Jong Un, not any member of the GameFAQs boards, and no offense to any member of the GameFAQs boards is intended

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ScazarMeltex posted...

To be honest though, death by AA guns is probably the least horrible way to be executed. You would be dead before you felt anything. There wouldn't be anything left really to bury. I mean the guy had his uncle torn apart by hungry dogs, so instantaneous death by large caliber rounds is fairly tame.

Maybe so, but the thought of being blown apart like that is fucking horrifying.

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ScazarMeltex posted...

Can't wait for the mod staff to mod people for saying they are glad he's dead, when he actually does die.

I would argue that harsh moderations for celebrating the deaths of known tyrants, with mass starvation, torture, cruel and unusual deaths, suppression of the masses and mass surveillance would be pretty fucked up - this isn't like someone making a hot take about a dead celebrity and saying we shouldn't mourn them because they were problematic, someone like Kim Jong Un has continued a legacy of bloodshed and human cruelty and threatened to wipe out other nations with nuclear weapons.

A man who rules with fear and threatens annihilation upon the rest of the world doesn't deserve a grace period - no-one but an absolute piece of shit, and the nation of brainwashed people he commandeered, would ever mourn him.

With that being said - I know that the mods will enforce "no grave-dancing" to a T, with the reasoning that letting people celebrate Kim Jong Un's death could lead to a slippery slope where people are excusing shitty behavior with shitty, half-assed justifications, and I'm not going to take a moral stance since I'm clearly stirring the pot with a topic like this. :P

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Takuya Lee posted...

Wait, he actually did that? That's horrible.

Turns out I was mistaken, he actually killed five of them:

https://www.businessinsider.com/kim-jong-un-had-5-security-officials-executed-with-anti-aircraft-guns-2017-2

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OpenShut posted...

Uh, what? Last I heard he was in "dire condition". Did he actually kick the bucket?

We can only hope, friend.

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Hope you burn in hell, Kimmy boy.

talking about Kim Jong Un, for the record

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"I know that we have the most coronavirus-caused deaths in the world, to the point where we're almost doubling the next biggest death rate, but 350,000 soccer moms across the nation need to get their hair cut and coloured in that obnoxious blonde-over-brunette bowl sort of fashion! How will our nation remain strong when the most entitled members of our society can't even get a basic perm?!"

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YourDrunkFather posted...

Well done steak is fine if you pee sitting down.

First of all, this comment is perfectly in character with your username and it's awesome. Second, there's nothing wrong with peeing sitting down.

What, you haven't had a night on the booze, woken up the next morning feeling like shit and sat on your toilet to get your bearings and to piss like a race horse?

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DoubleDare posted...

I prefer well done burgers.

That's the only way to have burgers, my dude

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There's at least a small, remote sliver of hope that the democrats won't buttfuck the country into oblivion. You just know that Trump is going to be a fucking grease-fire for another four years. It's better to gamble on uncertain odds than on outright bad ones.

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If there was an ethical way to eat human meat - which there isn't - I'd give it a try.

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ultimate reaver posted...

I agree people freak out too much and exaggerate about it tasting bad. However, I also think every other variant of steak does taste better

COVxy posted...

Like, it's not terrible, but it could be so much better if just cooked medium rare.

That's fair enough. I disagree, purely on the basis that I prefer my meat to be cooked through, but I respect the preferences of others.

Meanwhile

monkmith posted...

i too, like to eat shoe leather.

Jagr_68 posted...

Stopped reading here.

Get outta here then!

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Veggeta_MAX posted...

I'm not sure what you mean. The Warned Generals were closed because the allowed users to maintain the topic series at that time started using it to troll people instead of using the topic for its purpose. Yes I would have preferred it be open to everyone and everyone freely post but once people started using it as a way to act superior it has losted its cause. These individual topics are 100x better as we all came to see.

I'll clarify. When I say "I would have preferred the general to stay open" at the time, rather than have the same cliques spreading their drama across 4-5 simultaneous threads and derailing them, I mean that I would have preferred the general to stay open as a form of containment. The dipshits who were invested in the drama were spilling out and ruining each individual thread, and that bothered me at the time. I would have preferred them to go and isolated themselves instead of fucking everything else up.

Everything else in my previous post agrees with what you're saying here. I'm harsher on the topic as a whole, not just the users who were allowed to maintain the thread, but otherwise I think we agree more on the individual threads than we disagree.

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Billy__Beane posted...

Yes, that is the exact face I made and that is no exaggerstion.

Back in 2016 I went to hospital with influenza and severe dehydration, and they had to get a sample this way before they found out it was the flu. I got barely any warning, the nurse jammed that shit down my nose and into my throat and ripped it out. I made the most undignified pig-like, Nigel Thornberry-ass noises - shit was awful. The worst part is that she did the other nostril, and even after the first one giving me a warning about how it was gonna feel, I made the same gross-ass noises.

Swabs like this fucking suck. I'm sorry to hear that you were forced to get this.

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