Lurker > Jeff_AKA_Snoopy

I would highly recommend it.

Heading out to a work party in a few minutes. I'm very close with my work colleagues and they were amazing while I was going through the whole process of getting my wife MAID. When I dipped out with barely a moments notice they were just like, "Yeah, let us know if we can do anything at all!"

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/5/5/5/AAABltAAEuYb.jpg

Woo

My question in all this would be...

Why is it ALL about US? Like assuming that extraterrestrials are visiting the planet, wouldn't there be governments literally all over the world doing exactly the same thing as the US is reportedly doing?

So you either believe every government agency across the world is doing this, or that maybe some of this is being made to seem a little more substantial than it truly is.

Relient_K posted...

I was going to try to read this but it's too difficult. I'm sorry for your lost. My wife is pretty much the entire focus of my life at this point and I cannot stand the thought of losing her. I hope your memories of time together can bring some comfort to the pain of loss.

It is a tough read at times. Some of it makes me cry to read it myself still, but it is cathartic as well.

I'm honestly very proud of myself for how I have handled things since my wife passed. I feel comfortable in my home, I am spending time with family and friends, making plans, working. It feels like the time I put in working with supports has been time well spent.

DementedDurian posted...

...how do you even pronounce that name?

Mix-its-pick-lick

More or less

SydnieStarlight posted...

I thought about posting this in the last topic, but couldn't bring myself to do it because I knew how it would come across. I don't think there's any good way to phrase what I want to say. But when you posted that picture, my first thought was, "That doesn't look like someone who's ready to die".

I think that really speaks to the grace and strength she had. Even though she was suffering that badly, even though she was knowingly that close to her final moments, she was still able to smile and laugh. Or maybe you have the right of it here, she could smile like that because all her pain was almost over. You'd know better than me, anyway.

She hadn't smiled like that in awhile. When we spoke with the second assessor and she said yes, my wife cheered. Like, actually cheered and was so happy. You wouldn't think that would be the reaction to being told you were allowed to die. I thought it was kinda sweet that as she cheered and hugged me and we celebrated I started to cry.

When she saw me cry she was like, "No need for tears my love. This is what we worked so hard for! This is a wonderful day!" I think I kinda half-heartedly said something like, "I don't know of I worked as hard as you did for this. Congratulations honey, I am happy that you will no longer have to live in such pain and misery."

She pulled my chin and so we were looking dead in the eyes and said, "don't you ever say that you didn't work as hard as I did. I know you did, I know you did. I cannot imagine how hard it is to put someone who doesn't want to exist on your back and get them as far as you have taken me"

I wouldn't dare speak for my wife but I imagine it is two different thoughts. She wasn't maybe wanting the good times we did continue to have to end but to make the pain and suffering end it was something she was more than ready to let go.

Towards the end of her life she couldn't eat solid foods. She did not want to die by living in a hospital bed while her body just failed. One of the things I truly loved and appreciated about her, despite how it drove me crazy at times too, is how proactive she was. She had to be. She tried to plan for every potential thing. Whether you say that is from a childhood where she was forced to take care of herself and plan contingencies, or just a core part of herself... she was proactive.

I am so proud of her for being proactive, looking at her life and deciding to be proactive about her own care and how her life would end. As someone who had so very little control of things, from her upbringing to her failing health, it is so wonderful to see her take control and follow through on her one last goal. Was that goal somewhat sad? Sure... but at the end of her life she had full control, and how many of us truly get that option?

One more bump

I hate the way she speaks.

I'm also willing to share something my wife said about me in her memoires/autobiography. She worked on it for quite awhile when she realized she would be dying early. Partly as a means to just work on herself, but then also to say some things she wanted to make sure were said. I told her I would only read it after she passed away, because while we were together I wanted to focus on that and not the past. These words mean a lot to me.

*********************

FINAL THOUGHTS

One of my fears is not being able to say goodbye to Jeff. I am worried one day that I will be unable to talk, breathe, or move in the end. I am worried I wont say what needs to be said to him- especially for some closure. I would want him to know that I always loved him, his smile, his personality, and who he was. He is the one person who I have truly loved, who has loved me, and has stuck by me through thick and thin. He has always been incredibly understanding as to what/who I am. I told him in the beginning that I had medical issues, but I never knew that things would get so bad for me medically. If I did, I wouldnt have put him through the hell he has had to face: Seeing me hooked up to IVs, being placed on oxygen, crying at all hours, becoming violently ill during the night, etc. Even if I was this bad in the beginning, I am sure he would have stayed by me anyway because thats the kind of guy he is. I think about the first day we spoke, all of the time. I remember how excited I was to speak to him. His smile was so warm. He was like me in the sense that he said things like they were, but more tactfully than I would. I have always appreciated his honesty about how things were/are. He has so much potential career-wise and in life. I know he says he is lazy, but I know he can accomplish great things. I always teased him that I would be scared if he put all of his effort into something. Even during school, when I gave it my all, he ran neck and neck with me during a time he claimed to not really try. His verbal skills alone make him a contender in any field. He was always truthful. I truly respect him. I need him to know these things. Even if I am gone, I dont want him to lose hope and to waste his talents. I believe he can change the world for the better. I know he has this ability because he has affected so many people even if he wont acknowledge it. He reminds me of Sebastian and Geanine in the sense that everyone loved them. Everyone wanted to be near them. Everyone would hang on their every word. Jeff is that person. Men and women love him. Even in the beginning, which I told him, I knew a girl that was interested in Jeff. Yet he couldnt see that anyone would be interested in him. I know people in Jeffs past made him feel like he wasnt worthwhile, but he didnt have the right people in his life. All of the people currently in his life love him. They know a good thing when they see it. Corinne was right when she told Jeff that someone would find him and love him for who he was. I think this pertains to all of his friends, not just me. I am glad that he was able to accept that people love him and appreciate him. I am glad I had the opportunity to take up most of his time not meaning in the caretaker role. I know tons of people who would fight for a piece of his time because his personality is so contagious. I am sure he would contest me on these issues, but I know they are true. If I am gone, I dont want him to close up again. These people that are now established in his life are reminders that he is a great person, and they will be there for him. I know Jeff and I spoke about it in passing awhile ago, but I thought I would bring it up again - that I want him to be happy. If he finds someone else, I will be okay it as long as she treats him well. He knows I would not want him to settle. I always told him that the right person will make him love again because that's what he did for me.

psvitantifail posted...

You are a very strong man rip, that last picture is so crazy she seems so healthy and lively.

Invisible disability/illness is such a horrible thing to have to deal with. Even doctors would just assume everything must be fine and that her major problem was mental health because she was young and "looked fine". She suffered with endometriosis as we began dating. She had to go to 6 different gynecologists before one figured out that was the problem and did a surgery to help her.

All because she "looked fine".

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/1/5/6/AAABltAAEuSM.jpg

This was us on our first real date. Gosh, nearly 12 years ago. At that point we thought maybe she had Celiac Disease which maybe made some of her food allergies make more sense? Little did we know at the time that was when MCAS was starting to just begin its terrible reign of terror.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/9/9/8/AAABltAAEtBm.jpg

We went to my 10 year high school reunion together. Look at that gorgeous woman; totally out of my league. Here's a lesson to ya... nobody is truly out of your league. If you love each other and you make each other happy, it doesn't matter. I ended up becoming over 400 pounds while we were together (my coping strategy without realizing it for my entire adult life was fucking eating) and she had every right to just kick me to the curb if she wanted. Instead I realized I needed to make a change and she was super supportive.

********************

One Week

I have now been a widow for one week. How are you doing? Its the main question I get asked now and I dont honestly know how to really answer. What do you compare it to? Ive never lost anyone super close to me, not really. Ive had a friend commit suicide and though we were close, we were not best friends or anything like that. Not how it was with my wife. Beyond being my partner she was my best friend. I lost both. Im not crying as much, am I doing better? I can sleep, eat, take care of myself. Does that mean I am doing better than one might expect?

Its the quiet that gets to me, what I took for granted. Ive always been a social person. I like having that other human being beside me. As a child I had my little sister play in the same room while I played video games. I cherish experiencing life with another, and that is now gone. Not on a macro level, but in my home. The place where I felt the most comfortable, confident, and loved is now just a memory of those things. I suppose it will improve as the days and weeks turn into months. At least I hope so. Right now it just feels so quiet, so still. We werent the type of people to go out to parties or anything like that, but within our space was an energy, you know? My wife was trapped in a broken body but together we filled this space with so much energy. I didnt realize how much of my energy was generated in response to hers. Yin and Yang or however you want to phrase it, Im missing half of my energy.

I fill the void with YouTube, TV shows, video games, movies... all the same things I would have done with her sharing in it all with me as we shared our lives. Is it wrong for me to fear I will never find that again? Beyond the pain and grief of missing your lover and best friend, there is this intense fear that you will never find anything even close to that again. It can cripple you if you let it. My wife wanted me to find it again and the logical side of me knows I will, but what if? Is it disrespectful to want to fill this void quickly? To find someone else to love and put all my efforts into being a duo against the world?

There are other people in my world I care about deeply... and I worry that if I express to them how much I care they will rebuke me for not taking enough time. I will miss my wife forever. Absolutely forever. That doesnt negate my ability to find joy and love in another. Ive loved before my wife and I will after my wife.

I keep finding documents in regards to my wifes medical. While living it every day it didnt really hit me how sick she was. I have an entire ream of paper that is all to do with medical diagnoses, appointments, payments, results, testing. She was so sick and struggled for so long just for me. Im glad that she did so and allowed me to spend so much time with my best friend. It was the greatest sign of selflessness Ive ever been given. For someone else to live in pain for you? I sure hope that I earned that selflessness. That I was worthy of that kind of love. She certainly didnt seem to think she earned that kind of love from me... she was always questioning how I could stay with her. How I could put all my money and time, all my energy, into a failing person? That was just as much her own childhood trauma as it was anything else. My wife led a life that was filled with pain of many kinds, and just when she found a person who would accept her unconditionally forever, her body starts to fail.

So going back to the question; How am I? Im a 39 year old widow and Im scared. Thats how I am right now. I know Im not alone; I have an amazing support system around me. A wonderful family, amazing friends. But Im scared. Is that OK Lindsay? Can I be scared? Please tell me thats OK.

9 Days

I met with Jodi today, the only other person in existence who knows Lindsay and I both as individuals and as a couple. Lindsay didnt let a lot of people into her world as she expected people to let her down, to toss her aside. We spent 11 years together daily and to the very last day she expected me to turn around one day and leave her behind. Jodi knew her even longer than I did. The very injury that she sustained that had her sit in the back of the class with me, she went to Jodi to start rehabbing. To say that she knows us as a couple and as individuals, I mean it.

She hugged me as I entered the door, which was necessary. Beyond our home there were very few safe places that were OUR place, and Jodis was one of those places. As I left the home to go to a safe place, a place of healing and unconditional support and friendship, how much this relationship means to me is beyond words.

We spoke about healing, about loss and grief and how that looks. As a medical practitioner she has seen her fair share so I know it isnt platitudes. She told me how strong I am and have always been, to be the constant support, in every way, to a disabled partner, and then to a dying partner. I logically know these things, I really do... but Jodi telling me these things just means the world to me. Again, she has seen it all. She has seen people having to back away from the burden, and not even in a negative way as much as just its a reality how much someone can take. No judgment, nothing like that.

She told me she has never seen something like what we had. The physical, mental, spiritual toll that Lindsay overcome day after day and my endurance and strength to be the person she needed me to be, day after day. In moments when I am overcome with grief and sorrow, knowing how strong a person I have been and can be will really help me to feel those feelings I need to feel without being overcome.

We talked about signs. Im not a religious person, or even so-much of a spiritual person. On the plane ride home from Vancouver, on a flight absolutely jam packed full, with multiple people waiting from previous cancelled flights, the seat beside me was the only one left empty. Im still not a spiritual person, but maybe that was Lindsays sign that she was fine, and that I would be fine with that seat that had been perpetually filled beside me the last 12 years being empty. While Jodi worked with me, I received e-mail confirmation that my wifes remains were sent on their way from Vancouver to Saskatoon. While Jodi worked on me, the same place that I plan to spread her ashes.

Signs.

Lindsay wanted us both to know that she was all good and ready to take her new place at our sides.

****************************************

GATTJT posted...

Fascinating in a dark way. And you watched it all happen? I can't imagine the whirlwind of emotions I would go through.

Yeah, I was there the whole time. We cried together in the moments before she passed. They gave us the room we were in to have a final few moments together. As she always did, she apologized to me and said she wished she could have given me more. I told her she was being silly and that she gave me more than anyone could have ever asked me.

I remember the final words I said to her and I don't think I will ever forget it. I told her that had I known 12 years ago that this is how our journey together would end and all that would happen to get us there... I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I thanked her for being my wife, I thanked her for fighting so hard literally for me. I know that she did it for me and nobody else. I told her I loved her and that I hope whatever is next in this crazy universe of energy that it is everything she has ever deserved.

I held her hand until the doctor confirmed that she was gone.

DarkChozoGhost posted...

Being a caregiver to a terminally ill family member is a huge part of my identity too, so I can relate to some of the basic feelings. But I can't even comprehend how much that's weighed on you, and still does.

How much time did you spend talking with lawyers? Was that mostly to help get it to go through, or did she decide to use her story to help push MAID laws? I understand either choice, I'm just curious.

MAID doesn't require lawyers or anything like that, so we didn't need to lawyer up. The law itself was kinda designed initially for Cancer patients and other medical conditions where death was "foreseeable". I think maybe in like May of 2022 that part of the law was changed so that your physical diagnoses did not HAVE to include something that had foreseeable death. If doctors agreed that what you were living through was sorta cruel and unusual.

When we were initially denied in Saskatchewan, we could have tried to lawyer up for the right to die, but when we contacted Dying with Dignity they told us to try the doctor in BC first as she was known to really help out those with difficult cases.

GATTJT posted...

Sorry for your loss, TC. It must have been a very difficult experience to go through, doubly so for your wife. Out of morbid curiosity, what did the doctors do to help her pass on? Was it some medication injected through an IV? If this is too personal an inquiry and you don't feel comfortable answering, I completely understand.

It's all done through IV. So the first thing they do is give you a med that makes you fall asleep. Something like if you were going to get a colonoscopy or something like that. My wife snored quite loudly after getting that med. The doctor was quick to be like, "That's normal! It's all very normal" and we kinda laughed together about it. After that they give you just a boat-load of muscle relaxing medication. Enough so that your muscles stop working... like the heart and lungs.

She fell asleep and never had to wake up again.

I've been kinda writing now and then in I guess a journal? I will share what I have so far with you all. It's gonna be in multiple posts but you'll sorta see the format and know when I'm "journaling" for lack of a better word.

********************************************

July 17th, 2023. 5:31pm PST

My wife passed away holding my hand this minute. My world is completely different. Five minutes before I took a picture of her laughing and smiling with the doctor without a care in the world. It was the kind of freedom and happiness I hadnt seen from her in many years. I keep looking at this picture and smile, as tears flow. I thanked the doctor, a wonderful human who has saved my wife from any more pain and anguish.

Fifteen Minutes

There is an open pharmacy in the same building. My wife had to bring a small pharmacy with her everywhere she went. Prescription medications, over the counter, allergy lists, splints, everything. To exist she needed these things, to exist in pain and distress. I walk up to the counter and ask them if I can leave medications with them to dispose of properly. Lindsay talked to me about this and that emptying her meds will make it easier for me to travel back. She always needed a doctors note and even then it took the airport like 20 minutes to go through all this stuff to ensure that it wasnt a danger. I wore my sunglasses so they couldnt see me crying. Im not typically afraid to show my emotions, but this is all so new and so raw, I dont want to have to explain myself. The pharmacist lets me pour out medications into a ziploc bag to hand over for proper disposal. I shakily begin to pop open bottles, pour their contents out. This is all so new to me. Lindsay took care of her own things. With all her allergies and my having to work in a world where Im just going to have those around me, we both understood that whenever possible, she would take care of packing those things, opening them up.

It feels so invasive. I take some deep breaths and continue to work. Im reminded of the words of the doctor... No more pain, no more medications. No more worrying, no more stress. I look back to that picture, a beacon of happiness and hope in a world that is crashing down around me. I smile, and finish up my work.

One Hour

Ive let my entire support network know. They all knew what was happening, I kept them in the loop. For as strong as Ive had to be for so long, I knew that in my moments when I potentially just couldnt be strong anymore they would allow me to be weak. Everyone asks me if Im OK. Yeah Im OK. Im OK. Im OK. If I say it enough will it be true? Its not wrong, Im not lying from a certain point of view. Im in a taxi making my way to the airport. My flight hasnt been cancelled. Im not going to hurt myself, nothing like that. Im going to cry. Im going to miss my wife, Im going to be in a place I dont know and just have to make it home. My family keeps asking me if Im sure I want to return to my home. I can stay with them instead, I can avoid it if its too hard. I know I need to do it and made up my mind a LONG time ago that this is what I would do. I would return to my home and begin the process of making our home a place that is my home. For now though, its a taxi ride to the airport. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. The arduous task of redefining my entire life is a lot less scary when I just do things one step at a time.

Two Hours

My flight home is confirmed. Now I just have to sit and wait. I make sure to grab something to eat. Im not really hungry but I know I need to eat. I snag an entire roll of toilet paper from a bathroom so I have something to wipe up my tears and snot and all that lovely stuff. I find some comfort in people watching. Yes, my entire world has changed... but there is so much out there. So many experiences, so many people just heading around and out and about. I sit down and start up a game on my Switch... Wonderboy 3: The Dragons Trap. It transports me back to being 7 or 8 years old, my only worry being which breakfast cereal Im going to eat today, and what my friends and I were gonna do once school was out. Its comforting and I know right now I just need comfort, escapism. I listen to others around me flying stand-by, their flights cancelled earlier in the day. So many experiences. I dont want to be rude so I stop living vicariously through a stranger and turn back to my Switch, trying not to focus on what happened just hours ago.

As I go through security a bit later they pull me aside and ask about Lindsays bag and if there are liquids in it. I remember clumsily blurting out that maybe there are from some over-the-counter meds but they can take whatever they need out of there since my wife passed away earlier in the day and Im just trying to make it home. They exchange a look and apologize for the inconvenience and hand her bag back to me. These were the first people not intimately in the know about the situation that I muttered those words to. I really hope every other stranger I need to pass this information to are wiling to be this understanding. Kindness is so easy to do and I wish we all did it better, myself included. Its something my wife was great about and it will be something I take with me forever.

Four Hours

In a flight jam-packed with people and with stories I heard from others who were riding stand-by... the seat beside me is the only one that is empty. Im not a religious man, nor am I even spiritual... but in that moment I smile and thank my wife for giving me some peace and quiet for this flight home. Im not normally one for quiet solitude, but on a packed flight home right after my wife died? Yeah, let me have my space unless youre someone I love who wants to give me a hug.

Seven Hours

My bed is so much bigger when Im the only one in it. Im going to force myself to use the entire bed though. I need to. My wife is gone and the more I experience that the more OK I will be.

*****************************************

Kaiganeer posted...

i've seen the title of that other topic several times and never cared to open it, but i just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel guilty if you felt some sense of relief when someone with a long-term illness that you've had to care for passes away

it doesn't make you a bad person

I made my peace with that. I began working with a psychologist when my wife and I discussed her wanting to use MAID and I agreed to get her to the finish line, for lack of a better word.

There are some very stunning realities of being a caregiver to a substantially sick partner. We have a physiotherapist that worked on us both who meant the world to my wife. Really the only medical practitioner who had her back the whole time. She was a surrogate mother figure and she and my wife met about one month before my wife and I started dating. I will be burying my wife's ashes on her property under a magnificent, beautiful tree.

When she was working on me once, when my wife was in hospital and couldn't come with, she literally hugged me and told me that so many people do not do what I did. They cannot be a caregiver to a consistently sick partner, a dying partner. She told me she was very proud of what I was doing and encouraged me, in the safety of her office, to just say to another human being for the first time ever that this is hard and that I will feel some relief when my wife passes.

So I did. For the first time ever I said those words, and I bawled like a baby as I said them because I felt such immense guilt. Between her and my psychologist I really did some work on myself and understanding that I am allowed to feel relief now.

I told my psychologist that my greatest fears in her passing weren't even necessarily my wife dying. I didn't "fear" that, if that makes sense. We all die, and my wife wanted her pain and suffering to end. I was happy to get her to the point of when I took that picture. I told my psychologist that I didn't know who I was right now beyond being a caregiver to a dying partner. Like I know I'm a good friend, I'm an excellent youth care worker, a devoted member of my family... but deep down who I have been for nearly twelve years? I am the devoted husband to a dying wife. I am the singular caregiver to a suffering soul. Remove that element from my life and who I am? What am I? That thought scared the fuck out of me.

Hello CE.

For those who have not yet dipped their toes into my journey, my wife passed away on July 17th, 2023. She passed away utilizing the MAID program in Canada (Medical Assistance in Death).

To make a very long medical journey short, she had multiple medical conditions that made her life just not something she wanted to continue living. I will discuss it here briefly to give some context.

Ehlors Danlos - A degenerative connective tissue syndrome which causes your joints, limbs, and organs to rip and tear. There is no cure nor really any sort of significant treatment options right now. Most people who have bad Ehlors Danlos eventually have a trip or fall that causes one of their major organs to rupture and thus pass away. There are degrees of how bad it can be. My wife's specialist in a prognosis update in July stated that my wife had one of the most debilitating experiences of Ehlors Danlos he had ever seen. My wife had a pacemaker installed in her early 20's due most likely to Ehlors Danlos. The only real treatment that exists is pain management, which was impossible due to...

Mast Cell Activation Syndrome - Mast Cells are what are responsible in your body for allergic reactions. Basically, my wife's Mast Cells were in constant overdrive. She would have allergic reactions to most things. We could not use laundry detergent, most types of soap, she could barely eat anything and eventually towards the end of her life was on an all-liquid diet. This also impacted her ability to use medication and her body could only tolerate Tylenol near the end of her life, which did basically nothing. She tried literally hundreds of different medications, almost all of which caused her allergic reactions.

Long Covid - What prompted us to even discuss MAID in the first place was when we both, in September of 2022, got COVID. I had to be off work for a week and during that week my wife sat me down and told me what her day to day life was like and that outside of the time we spent together, her life was misery. I recovered from COVID fairly well with no linger side-effects, my wife had weakness and breathing problems that stayed until she passed away.

She had a multitude of other things that came as a result of the medical problems. Lots of mental health tied into it, from a sexually and physically abusive upbringing to being gaslit by the medical field, from a mother struggling with bi-polar, being a rape survivor... just kinda had a rough go of it for most of her life. I met her right as her health started to seriously decline. She would apologize to me almost daily for me being "forced" to take care of her as these conditions materialized, worsened, and eventually made her life not something she wanted to continue.

In September of 2022 she let me know her intention to use the MAID program. She gave me an out then, and many days after that. She told me she understood if I didn't want to literally watch her die. I told her there was no way in hell she would ever do this alone and that the last thing she would ever see is the face of her loving husband as she got to say goodbye to her pain and suffering. It's hard to watch the person you love most in this world die. It's hard to watch her suffer. But spending time with her? Sharing in her world? It was as natural as breathing to me.

The journey wasn't easy. She was declined here in Saskatchewan where we live... a province we were ALWAYS gaslit in about her health. It was so much easier for doctors to just assume my wife was somatic and that her problems were mental health related. We had to go see a specialist in Alberta to get her Ehlors Danlos and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome properly diagnosed. Even then, doctors here would question those diagnoses and claim that they didn't believe her. We contacted Dying with Dignity who told us to reach out to a doctor in BC who helped CREATE the law.

She spoke with my wife over Zoom and in a 45 minute conversation with her and looking at her medical history, agreed that she could use MAID. We needed to find a second doctor who would do it... and due to some legal challenges (that won't go anywhere but are still annoying), none of her colleagues were willing to see her. She got a different Saskatchewan doctor to try to be the second assessor... and he demanded documentation from mental health experts on all the work she tried to do with them (mental health is not part of MAID yet, it is about physical maladies). Thankfully after hearing about that, the first assessor in BC FINALLY found someone willing to do it. She chatted with us for 25 minutes and said yes.

With this final approval on July 12th, my wife and I bought tickets to BC, flew out on the 16th, and on the 17th at 5:31pm, my wife... the strongest person I've ever known and one of the most beautiful souls to ever be, was finally allowed to put down her burdens.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/1/3/7/AAABltAAEuR5.jpg

I got this picture of her 5 minutes before she passed away. Look at that smile. For probably the first time in her life TRULY, she was completely free and unburdened. In a life full of just... taking all the shit life had to offer, she could finally just let it all go. I held her hand as she passed away and I took my flight back home later that night.

So now I'm here, August 3rd. This whole process has been chronicled in two topics, now heading into this third one. I'm sure the regulars from my previous topic will follow along. Follow along with me as I just kinda document the process, what I'm doing, how I'm handling things.

If you're new to the journey, don't be afraid to ask questions. Unless you're just a flat out asshole you won't offend me. This is an... unusual journey for someone to talk, though there are some fellow CE'ers who have lost their partners through health troubles as well who have been just wonderful in sharing their own experiences too. It's been a very healing set of topics for me. Given me a safe place to just spill my guts and so many people have shared their own stories and we've been supporting each other. It's been really quite beautiful and I've been using GameFAQS for over 23 years now.

Thank you Lindsay for the greatest gift anyone has ever given me... sharing your life with me. I know it wasn't everything we had hoped for, but it was filled with a love and support I simply didn't know existed before sharing our lives together.

The very best things about you I can only hope have become a part of me forever to share with the rest of the world. I will work hard to make you proud of me for the rest of my days. I promise you this and while I'm not a religious person or spiritual, I hope I'm wrong and I will see you again when my journey is complete.

I think it's only fair to end this topic speaking about my wife and sharing more stories.

When I first asked my wife to date me, she shot me down. Not in the sense that she didn't like me or that she wanted to spend less time together, but she had left a relationship about 4 months before and told herself she wasn't going to date for "awhile". I remember her explaining to me that she didn't want to date me because she just didn't imagine herself dating anyone so soon.

Apparently without breaking a sweat and with an unearned confidence I said to her, "I understand... I think we will end up together though. I just cannot imagine us not trying this. I adore spending time with you and we find excuses to spend as much time together as possible. Let me know when you want to make this more official, but I just want us to keep being together"

I felt... so confident. More confident in this relationship than ANYTHING in my entire life. In my mind and heart I just knew. We fabricated so many stupid excuses to spend more time together. We would say we were gonna study and instead we would just watch movies together and love every second of it. I thought I came across in that exchange as confident... my wife said I came across almost creepy in a way. XD

Go ahead a month and she asked me if she still wanted to try being a legit couple. She said, "So, you still wanna date me? You need to know I'm a mess and my health might be an issue, I dunno..." and I just kissed her as she was trying to give me every reason not to date her. I told her right then that there was nothing that would stop me from loving her and that for as long as she wanted me, I was hers.

^_^

DnDer posted...

Won't judge you on this. Heart wants what it wants.

But.

You've been very... productive and forward-moving since your wife's passing. Really thrown yourself into all the projects to take care of the things on your plate that follow after that, plus going back to work.

I might take a minute and breathe in if I were you. You have every right to pursue it and be happy in that choice, but your positivity and productivity feels a bit manic?

Pace yourself and check in with yourself before you jump back in to too much, you know?

I hope she says yes whenever you ask, though.

I know what you mean. It's something I guess with spending nearly a year going through the process? My wife and I discussed MAID back in September. We decided together that this is the correct path for her and I dedicated myself in my entirety to getting her to that finish line. It was beautiful and moving and powerful, beyond being sad and distressing.

I loved before my wife and I told my wife that I would find love after her. She encouraged me to do so and even told me to use the story to get laid cause, and I quote, "Your story will get you fucking laid"

My colleague has always been really cool and I've always enjoyed our time together. I would really enjoy spending time together. Am I in the position to be thinking about a long term relationship? I don't really have any sort of motives in so much as I think she is cool and I'd love to spend more time with her. It's been something that has been on my mind.

I have myself a bunch of plans with friends this weekend. I'm looking so forward to it all. I have a party with my colleagues tomorrow, then have some friends over for Summer Slam on Saturday, and then some family time on Sunday!

I'm feeling good. Also, and I've kinda avoided saying this for fear of judgment, I kinda have a bit of a thing for one of my colleagues so I might ask her out on a date. >.>

Lairen posted...

Girls want and like attention. They do things for that. I mean its fine and ill look but its cheap attention. But if thats what you wanted......

People. People like attention.

I voted for Locke because LOL Cloud wins.

Did you all fuck a bear yet?

So Hawkeye is just now you play the next card there, it is a +3?

I thought it was saying it is a sequential thing. +2 the first time you do it, +3 the next time. So if you play it in bounce you could get like, 1/6?

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


And the fact remains to be pro-life, for that to be a consistent, well thought out argument you also need to care about the life you are forcing a woman to give birth to.

I get not wanting people to "murder" others. I do, and that thought is very powerful. But to suggest that protecting life only means birth is not a coherent argument at all.

Hmmm, the change to Hawkeye is different on the app?

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/6/7/7/AAABltAAEuKt.jpg

Jupiter posted...

I used to go in and request credit limit increases all the time knowing full well I would NEVER get close to the limit (I only spend what I have and then pay it off literally right away). I did it for the easy credit boost lol. It's how I got my credit score into the 800s. Literally all I have to do is just raise my credit limit and my score increases automatically. I tend to have either a $0 balance or close to it each month unless I forget to pay before the statement date.

I suppose I could just do it and keep paying it off. Ever since I got into some trouble with it like 6 years ago, I've always paid it down to 0

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Nah it's just something they are offering me. They mentioned it when I deposited some rolled change at the bank today.

From 13.5k to 21.5k.

Cause you know, I need a credit card with that type of limit. I'm sure I will be safe with it and never get into trouble with it.

Again. >_>

Well good news, it was released in early access like 2 years ago. It's kinda been bug tested by early adopters and should be running great.

It depends.

If they are pro-life and actually vote that way, put money and resources into the social systems necessary to care for children who have parents who cannot take care of them? Are willing to have increased taxes for school systems and support reforms that will help those who are being forced to give birth? Sure.

How many of those pro-lifers exist? I don't know.

Closing out my wife's bank account and paying off Visa. Sending out documentation to get her student loans canceled and a survivors benefit from CPP here in Canada.

I'm getting things done today.

Oh my fucking god, the Circle Game came from Malcolm in the Middle?

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/0/2/5/AAABltAAEuAh.jpg

Tony Gwynn was fucking absurd.

BlazinBlue88 posted...

Any plans to continue this topic after the 500?

Yuppers.

Bumpies!

vycebrand2 posted...

i have some voice mails on my phone I don't feel I should delete. I have listened to them a few times since. It's hard....Jeff. Give it more time. Trust me.

Not gonna lie, I went back to listen to a podcast before you even responded. I was OK with it. It was comforting and reminded me of times we enjoyed together. It was nice.

Bump

Metal_Gear_Raxis posted...

What happened, I heard Luffy died.

Depends on your definition...

15 Days

I received my wifes ashes today and the death certificate. This means I can do more of the work needed to get done. Closing out bank accounts, cancelling student loans, paying out the rest of the credit card debt, basically letting the rest of the world know that she has left this existence. In the immortal words of Peter Pan, To die would be an awfully big adventure. Funny thing is Lindsay hated that movie.

I feel like Im doing really well with all this. Im proud of myself and I know that Lindsay would be too. Is it weird that thought makes me cry? I know how much Lindsay was proud of me and I know how much everyone around me is proud of me. While Lindsay was with me I dont recall her having said that word to me very often. Maybe it was so self-evident that she thought it silly to even mention? It was one of the things I told her often; how proud I was of her. How strong she was, right to the end of her life. She was the strongest person I ever knew and she would scoff when I would tell her that. Maybe she thought I would scoff at the idea of her being proud of me.

Some of the youth I serve have hugged me and told me how sorry they were for my loss. My colleagues let me know they were asking about me like... 3 days into my being gone. It was so hard to put my all into both work and being the kind of partner Lindsay needed, but those kids telling me how much they missed me and how they wish I didnt have to lose my wife, I dont know if there is any other kindness that can be shown to me that would mean more. Kids are truthful to a fault once you have their trust. They have no reason to feign kindness.

Every day it feels a bit more normal. Being a widow, telling people about my deceased wife. Going back to work it was strange since when I would drive around the city, I would often have called Lindsay just to chat. Whether it was about whatever anime we were watching together, maybe a video game she was playing, if she heard back from this doctor or that one, or just to hear the sound of her voice. We did an anime channel together on Youtube for awhile. I havent yet listened back to any of the videos. Maybe I should, just to hear her voice again.

This might seem kinda like... not heartless, but very business-like I guess.

Sit down with her and go through your concerns, point by point. See if she can address these concerns in a realistic way. Not some pie-in-the-sky type thing, but really go through it and see what can be done. If you have trust issues, is there anything she could honestly do to make you feel like you can trust her. Address your financial concerns with her and ask her realistically what can be done so they you aren't "on the hook" for a lot of debt.

Is she prepared and willing to completely cut off her family? I'm recently widowed but my wife had to literally cut off all contact with her family because ANYTHING they could offer her was not worth the toxic relationship that existed.

You said you were not willing to have her live with you right now. Honestly that would likely be a way to deal with A LOT of issues. She would have a place to stay, she could cut off her family entirely, and you could really see if being together is something that you can handle long term. I know you feel it was rushed into, but part of me thinks that the pressures of her current living situation mixed with the financial reality of her situation will very negatively impact her mental health.

Knowing that is a POTENTIAL solution to some problems, what holds you back from giving that a chance? It didn't work previously from the sounds of it, do you believe she has the capability to grow and change? Is it honestly something you simply don't want?

These are all things that you can have a serious grown-up conversation about. You need to. If at the end of that conversation you aren't convinced that being in the relationship is something you can handle, then you know. You could TRY living together and make it very clear to her that it is something you are trying, not something that she can count on for eternity.

Relationships are hard, and it sucks to love someone but a relationship just not be feasible. I've been there before with a previous relationship. Loving someone and being partners in life are two very different things.

https://youtu.be/gmJMAifqzd4

Phantasy Star is one of those few RPG series that Genesis fans can point at those Nintendo kids and be like, "Well yeah, so what you got Final Fantasy 4, 5, 6, Chrono Trigger, Secret of Mana, Breath of Fire 2, etc. etc. etc. We got PHANTASY STAR baby!"

I have actually only beaten the first game, as a re-release on the Switch (gotta love Sega Ages releases). As a kid I did get to play the second game but never beat it. Not gonna lie, I want the entire quadrilogy re-released as one package with some improved graphics and stuff. I'm woefully ignorant on the whole series besides the first game.

Previous Poll Results

Aero the Acrobat - 20 played, 7 did not
Beyond Oasis - 22 played, 10 did not
Cool Spot - 34 played, 8 did not
Dynamite Headdy - 12 played, 8 did not
Ecco the Dolphin - 43 played, 3 did not
Fatal Labyrinth - 7 played, 14 did not
Golden Axe - 60 played, 10 did not
Gunstar Heroes - 35 played, 9 did not
Jurassic Park - 30 played, 6 did not
Kid Chameleon - 29 played, 18 did not
Landstalker - 16 played, 21 did not
Mutant League - 10 played one or the other, 9 played both, 10 played neither
NBA Jam - 45 played, 2 did not
Out of this World - 16 played, 12 did not

Spoilers for the most recent episode!!!!

https://youtu.be/uB8cPQiNDok

Oooof, Orioles beat us up.

DeJong is likely better than Santiago Espaol, who would be our option currently.

I will for sure.

I'm quite proud of myself for how I've done all of this. I feel I've done even better than I had hoped. I'm handling things, I'm being healthy and emotional while also moving forward with the rest of my life.

I think Lindsay would be really proud of me right now too. Well, not just right now. Lol

We picked up DeJong from St. Louis. Makes me think Bichette might be out more long term.