Lurker > AdmiralZephyr

424. Brandon Hantz (South Pacific, 6th place)



That's right, I hate Brandon more than anything Russell ever did. And I'll be perfectly honest, a lot of it is because of Russell, but that doesn't change the fact that Brandon himself is a pretty s***ty person and well deserving of being bottom 30 or so even without the Russell connection.

Summer 2011, and rumors are flying about that Survivor 23 will not be a Russell-free season. Instead of the man himself, we will be seeing his 19-year-old nephew. And when the bios hit and confirmed this, I almost didn't even want to watch the season. We just sat through three seasons of Russell, and now we were going to hear about him even though he wasn't in the game. I held out hope that his edit wouldn't be 90% about being related to Russell, but I knew that that was a long shot. Oh, and by the way, being 19 and married with kids isn't a good thing. It doesn't mean that you found your true love early in life. It just means that you were an idiot one night and thought you could seem like less of a prick by doing the "adult thing" and marrying the girl you knocked up. And my theory is supported by the fact that he was divorced by the time the season finished airing.

So, the season begins, and immediately we have it shoved down our throats that Brandon is Russell Hantz's nephew. Like, seriously, it was even listed as his occupation. I did however get a kick out of when Jeff brought in the helicopter with "two returning players," Edna, still oblivious to Brandon's identity, turned to Brandon and said, "Let's hope it's not Russell!" So anyway, Brandon only tells us about twelve times in the first episode that he is Russell's nephew and wants to redeem the family name by playing the game honestly and as a good person. But he doesn't want anybody to know that he is Russell's nephew because he feels that he will be voted out immediately. Unfortunately, this is going to be hard to hide, as he has a tattoo that reads, "Li'l Hantz" on his shoulder, meaning he can never take his shirt off.

On night 1 he finds himself on the beach with Coach, Sophie, Albert and Rick, and the five of them form an alliance. And to their credit, I believe that this is the largest alliance in Survivor history that lasted from day 1 until they were forced to vote one of their own out at the end. So now we know Coach has his back and he's probably going to be around for the long haul. The next day he's going out fishing with his shirt in an awkward position as to cover the tattoo, and Sophie immediately recognizes that something is up, and he totally plays it off like nothing happened. So so far Brandon is annoying the crap out of me but I don't quite hate him yet.

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Aw man, Meet the Robinsons at least 10 spots too low.

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Bump. 424 in a couple hours.

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Episode 9 is pretty much Marty vs. the World, and we all knew from pretty much 10 seconds into the episode that Marty was going home, and of course NaOnka continues to b**** about everything. The high point of her edit happens at tribal council at this episode, when she says that she hates the way Marty struts. On his way back from casting his vote, knowing full well it's his last night in the game, Marty struts back from the voting booth just to take one last shot at her, at which point she finally loses it and flips him off with a look that she's about to strangle him. And still, that was more of a fun Marty moment than it was a NaOnka moment, but a win is a win.

So by episode 10 everyone hates NaOnka. She has but one friend left in the game, and that's Brenda. So surely NaOnka wants to keep her around for safety, right? Nope. This is the episode where NaOnka literally betrays the one person left in the game that actually has some sympathy for her.

And then comes episode 11. One of the single most negative episodes for anyone in Survivor history. She's finally breaking down and decides again that she wants to quit (same with Purple Nobody, but that's another story). When the Survivors show up at the reward challenge, she announces that this is her last challenge in the game, as she is going to quit that night. Jeff looks like he's ready to bust a nut. So anyway, she, Benry, Holly and Chase win the reward to go to the exclusive premier of Gulliver's Travels just for the four of them, complete with all the movie snack and luxuries. Jeff then tells them that if just one of the four of them is willing to give up their reward, the entire tribe will be rewarded with a tarp and rice that they desperately need, as their camp has basically been destroyed at this point. Everyone looks at NaOnka, who, just having declared that this is her last day in the game, has the opportunity to take this up and go out with what little dignity she has left. Instead she shakes her head, forcing Holly to step up and take one for the team.

That night at Tribal Council, NaOnka basically rubs it in everyone's face that she just got to go see a movie and have all kinds of snacks and treats and is about to go have some again because she is leaving the game. Even after Jeff, Holly and Benry try to get her to not quit for some ungodly reason, she insists on laying down her torch with 9 days left to go in the f***ing game. Awful.

Oh, and let's not forget the little gem that happened after she was out of the game. It's time for the jury to vote on who gets the million dollars - Sash, Chase, or Fabio. It's fairly clear that it's going to be 4 votes Fabio, 4 votes Chase, with NaOnka having the deciding vote. So who does she decide to give a million dollars to? Fabio, the guy who she had a rocky relationship with from day 1, or Chase, one of the few people who actually gave a s*** about her? That's right, Fabio. And not that I'm complaining, because I love that Fabio won and would have hated if Chase won, but it just goes to show how bats*** she is.


Hint for #424: Someone who was still in the running for the million dollars at the beginning of the final episode of the season

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425. NaOnka Mixon (Nicaragua, 9th place)



And as everyone saw coming, right behind Colton for the terribad award comes NaOnka. Well, that's not entirely fair, because NaOnka at least isn't racist, but she does share most of the rest of the qualities that I hate about Colton - narcissistic, selfish, loud, obnoxious, bullied somebody who was different just because they were different, epicly hogged up screen time, and left the game in a way in which we didn't get to see her get embarrassed, and even didn't seem apologetic at the reunion. I think the reason she outranks Colton is that, of the three castaways in Survivor history who actually made me uncomfortable to watch, she made me feel less uncomfortable than Colton and more uncomfortable that the person who ranks at #424. The fact that Nicaragua isn't quite as fresh in my memory as One World is probably helps her cause as well. But let's get into her in a bit of detail.

Pre-show I didn't get too much of a vibe from her either way. She just seemed like the typical sassy black chick. She was one of the several people that season that instead of forming any type of pre-season opinion of, I decided, let's just see how it plays out for her. And first episode she didn't do much. She announced that she was upset with the choice that her tribe made to give up the Medallion of Power, and that she didn't want Kelly, the girl with one leg, to get to the final 3 because she felt that she would win in a 9-0-0 vote just because of her situation. And she was probably right. So she was still middle-of-the-pack for me at that point. In episodes two and three she announced that she hated Fabio for no particular reason and started becoming unbearably b****y. Whatever. She's now fairly low on my list, but she's not a complete trainwreck yet.

Then episode four comes, and this is where I start to hate NaOnka. She and Kelly both see a clue for a hidden Immunity Idol at the same time. Kelly reaches for it first, but NaOnka has the bright idea to tackle her in order to get it for herself. Yeah, that's right. She tackled a girl with one leg for a little piece of paper. Later on when Kelly approaches her, like an adult, about the situation, NaOnka declares that she hates Kelly, for no apparent reason, and even threatens to knock her prosthetic off. Seriously? Is this b**** for real?

Next episode the tribes swap and she ends up with her friend Chase on her new tribe. And suddenly, the rain comes pouring down. So what is the first thing she does? Contemplate quitting. Like, seriously. That's all she's talking about all episode, that she's done and wants out. And then what happens? All it takes Chase telling her a story about how he saw a rainbow the day his dad died to get her to not quit. So, that was just a stupid episode. Next two episodes were pretty much The Marty Show, so we didn't see too much of her.

Then the merge hits, and it's the NaOnka show again. Kelly is long gone at this point, so she has to find someone new to piss off for no reason, so she chooses.... everybody. She hides the merged tribe's food and cooking supplies because she's in a bad mood, an act that is seen by Holly and later discovered by Alina. Later, when the tribe discovers that everything is gone, Holly calls NaOnka out and NaOnka, the world's greatest liar, insists that it didn't happen. When everybody begins to believe Holly's story, NaOnka then switches up her story that it was both her and Alina who took the food, which led to Alina being voted out.

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I guess I can't really give my opinions on anybody for a while... :-P

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He was in the minority alliance, and was causing tension between the two tribes, meaning that in a swap/merge situation, it would have been impossible to get any of the girls to potentially work with him. And despite being young and fit, he wasn't THAT good in the challenges. Jay, Mike and Troy were all more useful in challenges than he was.

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My EE&E writeup will be posted tomorrow to get this over with, as I've already begun my new ranking, and it is a massive one - all 426 Survivor contestants ever!

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MartinFF7 posted...

That Colton summary... he mad.

The funny thing is that this board is literally the only place in the world other than maybe his hometown that the vast majority of people don't agree with me about him. The majority of Sucks hates his guts, and even Jeff Probst said that the majority of production, including himself, hates him, and not in a "love to hate him" way like Russell. In a "never bring him back" way.

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Troy was only responsible for voting out Matt, which was a fairly smart move at the time. He didn't have much power to sway anything in Bill's elimination. And I'll get to my thoughts on Troy later in the list. That's going to be a hell of a write-up as well.

Speaking of which, don't expect all of the write-ups to be this long. Probably only the bottom 6 and top 5 will be like this. 6-25 will get semi-decent ones, and most of the rest will be a paragraph or two tops.

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And then comes episode six, which now cements him as a bottom-5 contestant of all time. Christina knows she is next to go. She's on a tribe that won't win unless the challenge is who can imitate a limp noodle the best, and everybody on her tribe is going to vote against her at the next tribal council. So what does Colton do? He rubs salt in the wound. He makes fun of her to no end, screams at her like a child during the challenge, even though Tarzan was doing worse than her, and all he said to him was "Come on, you can do it!" and verbally gives her three options - enjoy your last three days, quit, or jump in the fire and get medivac'd. At this point I hate this guy so much that now I want one of two things to happen to him - he gets blindsided with the idol and cries, or he makes the final three and gets torn to shreds by the jury like never before. But nope, God has other plans. That night, Colton begins to feel ill, and of all people, Christina, the one who he relentlessly made fun of, is the one person who gives a damn and tries to nurse him. So how does he respond? The next morning he says that he isn't grateful and he thinks she just did it to improve her position in the game. Smug little a******. Then what happens next is the very definition of poetic justice. Remember how he told Christina to jump in the fire and get medivac'd? Well his pains from the night before come back and begin to worsen, the medical team responds, and decides that he needs to be pulled from the game. A lot of people were happy to finally be done with him, but not me. That to me was the worst thing about Colton's story. We didn't get to see him get embarrassed.

And then comes the Reunion. His actions here (as well as his actions on Twitter, which are a whole other story) are what finally made me rank him as the worst of all time. He nonchalantly apologizes for his actions in the game, and smugly says that some of it was just joking and that "Everyone on the internet said the season got boring after I left." But he's the reason it was boring at all. He didn't bring entertainment to a boring season. He made the season boring. He was the reason that entertaining people like Bill and Monica were eliminated in the first few episodes. He was (even if indirectly) the reason we had a boring final five. And his unprecedentedly bloated edit was the reason that nobody else got any sort of development whatsoever for the first half of the season. And oh yeah, one more thing about the reunion. His MOM felt so bad about his actions and (lack of) apology that she stood up and apologized for him. What a horrible person. Dead last.

Hint for #425: A post Heroes vs. Villains female

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So come second episode and the girls eventually strategically tell him off, to which he becomes ridiculously depressed because now the girls have outcasted him and he has outcasted himself from the guys. So he makes his first strategic play of the game and gathers Leif, Troy, Tarzan and Jonas, the four guys who have no current solid alliance with anybody, and suggests that they form an "Misfit Alliance." And let's face it, who DIDN'T look at the men on this season before it even started and say "Okay, Matt, Mike, Jay and Bill are going to form a young, prettyboy alliance, and the other five are going to form an out-of-shape misfit alliance"? I know I did. So now Colton has gone from the bottom of the totem pole to the top, because his band of misfits have the numbers. Fine. I still don't HATE him.

Then comes episode three. And out of nowhere, Bill emerges as this over-the-top goofball personality. And while the rest of the men are embracing his positive attitude, how does Colton respond? My pretty much outing himself as a racist, calling Bill "ghetto trash" (which Bill is pretty much the most non-ghetto trash black guy in the whole world), saying he should go back to the slums, and even going as far as to say he should kill himself. Now I'm starting to hate this guy.

His racism only gets worse in episode four when, even after his tribe wins immunity, he convinces them to give it up to the women and deliberately go to tribal council just to vote out Bill. And folks, two things happened that night that have cemented Colton as a bottom-10 contestant of all time. First, the most racially-heated argument in Survivor history took place. The Yasmin/Ben fight from Samoa had nothing on this episode. Like, this tribal council actually made me uncomfortable. It made me miss all the Jonathan/Victoria scenes from Amazing Race 6, which I once thought was the most uncomfortable that reality TV could get. Colton basically admits that he dislikes Bill because he feels he is not equal to him socially or economically. When the others accuse him of being racist, he defends himself by saying that his housekeeper is African American. Note to self - do NOT hire Colton as a lawyer. He will prove you guilty with his defense. And of course, instead of taking this opportunity to blindside Colton, the guys are frightened of being on his bad side and side with him to vote out Bill, who took it like a man and probably had the classiest final words in Survivor history - "[Colton] judged me for my differences, and I accept him for his." The second thing that happened that night is that Colton ruined the outcome of the season. Had this not happened, the guys would have gone into the tribe swap, and subsequently the merge, with a majority, and since the men were more willing to work with the women than the women were with the men, if the men had a majority, we might not have had the third straight Pagoning. But instead we ended up with an uninteresting, all-estrogen final five. Not that I'm against a women's alliance - the Black Widow Brigade from Fans vs. Favorites has my every respect. But the way it happened here was just disgusting. Oh, and for those who don't remember, the above pic is his reaction to Bill's torch being snuffed.

So episode 5 comes around and Colton is just doing his usual shenanigans. The tribes swap and Colton ends up on the physically weakest tribe in Survivor history. Bar none. And he knows this. He even admits that he's "on a tribe that sucks." So what does he do? He arranges the blindside of Monica, the strongest person on the tribe. Great job, Einstein. Nothing of note here. Except that hearing him scream like a little girl for help when Mike tackled him during the challenge was probably the high point of his entire edit for me.

*CONTINUED IN NEXT POST*

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426. Colton Cumbie (One World, 13th place)



Over the years, many contestants have held this dreaded last place spot on my list. You all know that I was never a Russell fan. Osten's quit pissed me off enough to throw him down here. Yet Osten and Russell were topped in awfulness by subsequent contestants, and Coach is one of many contestants who I have actually come to appreciate over the years after hating them for quite some time. I don't see either of those things happening ever again. Maybe it's because One World is so recent, but I truly feel like it would take somebody raping or murdering somebody on the show to top my hatred for Colton. The kid is probably the closest thing to pure evil that has ever been on the show.

When the One World cast was first announced, Colton annoyed me quite a bit in his video, but I did respect three things about him. First, he announced himself as a Republican. As a young Republican myself, I feel like too often we get shafted. Our generation is clearly a left-wing majority and Republicans are often seen as just regurgitating what our parents believe, which isn't always true. At least in my case, my father is mostly liberal, and my mother, while she usually votes Republican, doesn't really give a s*** about politics. So yeah, I respected that. Second, as I always do when one comes along, I respected the fact that he was a huge superfan. Nothing pisses me off more than someone just going on Survivor to be on TV. No, Colton is a hardcore, would-do-anything Survivor obsessive, and frankly, I would love to see a season of 16-20 of those. I know we had Fans vs. Favorites, but here's a little-known fact about that season - only Erik and Jason were actually truly superfans of the show. The rest were just recruits who happened to have seen a bit more of the show than the typical recruit. Third, and finally, I respected him because anybody who has the cajones to come out as gay at age twelve is okay in my book. I've never had to go through that experience myself, but I can say that middle school is tough enough socially for anyone, let alone establishing yourself as "different." Also, probably a good 30% or so of my close circle of friends in high school were either gay or bi, and most of them didn't come out until at least 9th or 10th grade. So 12 years old is really gutsy. So right from the start, while Colton annoyed me, there was a chance that I was going to like him.

And we get to the first episode and what does he do? Within the first two minutes of the season, rather than try to fit in with his all-male tribe, he immediately establishes himself as "different." That's right. Nobody called him out for being gay. Not Matt, not Mike, not Tarzan. It was Colton himself. And still the rest of the guys just said, "Whatever dude, doesn't make a difference to us." So what does Colton do with this newfound acceptance? He decides to find other ways to establish himself as an outcast just so he can have this come-from-behind outcast story. He lays around camp and does nothing all day while the other 8 men work their asses off, and when they politely try to get his ass moving, he completely shuts off all contact with them and goes over to hang out with the girls. While it isn't necessarily a bad thing to be making relationships with the other tribe early, you can't shun your own tribe because they're the ones who currently have the power to vote you out. And he cries to Sabrina that he needs the Immunity Idol because the other guys hate him (which they don't), and he gets it, which only adds to his ego. So first episode I dislike him, and he's probably in my bottom 100 contestants ever, but nowhere near this dreaded spot.

*CONTINUED IN NEXT POST*

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Oh, and before I go on, I should probably put up the obvious disclaimer that this topic WILL contain massive spoilers for all 24 seasons of Survivor.

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After watching and watching this show for the last ump-teen years, I think I've finally decided on a definitive ranking (for now anyway) of the 426 contestants (this number includes people who played multiple times and people who either quit or were eliminated before the game even started). And they're basically split up into 6 tiers. My bottom six and top 25 will all receive full write-ups, since they deserve them because I feel that strongly about them. Most of the rest will receive just brief write-ups, except in certain circumstances where I feel I really need to explain myself on a controversial ranking.


So we'll begin by announcing the first tier...


TIER 6: The Dreaded Bottom Six

There have been Survivors that I have hated, Survivors who I got sick of, and Survivors who I never wanted to see brought back but they still were. These six, however, deserve special recognition for being absolutely horrible in every way, shape and form imaginable. I loathed them for nearly every single second that they were on my television screen and will defend to the death their awfulness, no matter how much people like them, and there are certainly a couple down here that have massive fan-bases, including at least one who won Fan Favorite for their season. I feel like these six players helped ruin their respective seasons (and in fact, there are only five seasons represented in this tier - one is there twice), no amount of trying to convince me that "they added something to a boring season" will make me like them, and I have no qualms about separating them from a group this large.


#426 will be posted tonight, and the hint is that it is a male who has only played once.

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Xuxon posted...

Every season before Samoa is worth watching.

Cook Islands says hi.


Thailand spoilers:
Brian is in a similar situation as Kim in terms of a winner-edit in that they were both shown to be the only remotely competent strategic player after the merge, but were given very little in terms of character development. Rob could be thrown into this group as well, but he was given a little bit more character development than those two.

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Eh, Melody Time a bit too low given some of the s*** that's still in. Bottom 10 for sure, but not bottom 3.

I guess Dinosaur is next.

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Well, for my Overall Rankings this summer, I've managed to so far file all the players from the following seasons in place:

Marquesas
The Amazon
Pearl Islands
Guatemala
Nicaragua
South Pacific
One World

Out of those seven seasons, my top 10 consists of...
2 from Marquesas
1 from Amazon
2 from Pearls
1 from Guatemala
3 from Nicaragua
0 from South Pacific
1 from One World
7 men, 3 women

My bottom 10 consists of...
1 from Marquesas
0 from Amazon
1 from Pearls
0 from Guatemala
3 from Nicaragua
2 from South Pacific
3 from One World
6 men, 4 women

Of course, these are highly unlikely to STAY my top/bottom 10 overall, but my #1 and my #426 have already found their spots out of those 7 seasons.

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Naomi, did you still want to do that dual topic where you watch TAR and I watch BB?

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CrimsonOcean posted...

I wish all the seasons were easily accessible on DVD and I could just sit down and power through them all. I feel like there's so much I've forgotten. Clearly there is when I've blocked entire seasons out of my memory >_>

Seasons Borneo through Exile Island plus Heroes vs. Villains are, at least.

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I know Karo is gonna flip, but I honestly have no qualms about either of these two being below Saludos Amigos (which is probably next).

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Cook Islands is meh anyway.

Panama is another amazing season.

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Amazing season.

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Naomi_Diamond posted...

darkx, you should watch BB.

I know I should. I've been meaning to for quite some time now.

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Mik_Pick posted...

In regards to season 25:

I will be visibly upset if any of the returnees don't make at least jury. I feel like that would be such a waste since I personally <3 returnees. (Except on RI)

So far the only returnee in a season where less than half the cast was returnees that has failed to make at least the jury has been Russell in RI, so I think odds are at least two of the returnees should at least make the jury.

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Kirby

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Strahax

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More Kirby plush!

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Squall (III)

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Glad to see Chicken Little in last place. It may not necessarily be mine, but it's certainly in my bottom 5 and is a well-deserved last place on any list.

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Gourmet Theme from Kirby Super Star

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How the hell are they going to allow him to be there?

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Roy Koopa

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Suggestion - nix save-trading for just one contest. Please?

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Tarzan

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Thanks for reminding me that I need to try this by the end of the month.

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Squall (II)

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Squall (I)

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Chaotic Good the best.

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Whoever is running the Boadys next year needs to create a new category - Best Rivalry. Even if ertyu/Swift is the obvious winner, my vote still goes to Sanity/Inviso.

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ExThaNemesis posted...

I'm kind of annoyed that she's acting like Disney is responsible for this when it's really just one douchebag. Makes her seem a lot less sympathetic, really.

Yeah, I didn't get this impression either. Seems to me like since her phone was stolen by one of their employees she just expects to get some kind of compensation, which any reasonable company should do.

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lordloki12 posted...

Wonder how long it takes for him to get canned.

Probably not too long. I also suspect she'll be getting some kind of free park or cruise passes from Disney.

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Oh yeah, and top 10 prediction (again, no particular order):

Peter Pan
Beauty and the Beast
The Little Mermaid
Tangled
The Princess and the Frog
Sleeping Beauty
The Jungle Book
The Lion King
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Fantasia

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Hm, I guess I'm the only one who actually kinda liked MIB2? I mean, the first one was far superior, but the second wasn't completely unwatchable.

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It's sad that one of my favorites finally makes a final and is getting absolutely slaughtered. :-\

Hook!

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Kat

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Yay! I plan on doing this later in the year as well, perhaps leading up to the release of Wreck-It Ralph.

My prediction for the bottom 5 (in no particular order):
Saludos Amigos
Home on the Range
Chicken Little
Atlantis
Make Mine Music

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2. Time Squad (2001-2003)

After a long wait, tons of work call-ins, family emergencies, and sometimes just plain laziness on my part, the reveal of #2 is finally here. And while I'm not shocked that Time Squad got loads of "ZOMG what is it still doing in the running?" over the course of the list, especially in the second half, I'm here to debunk it all. First off I must say that when Time Squad was first announced, I wasn't sold on the concept, but after watching just a couple of episodes, I knew it was a diamond in the rough. For those of you who haven't seen it (and it seems that there are a few of you in this topic), the premise is this - history is like a rope. As more rope is added on one end, the other end begins to become untwined, and things in those eras start to go awry. So it's up to a troop of time cops known as Time Squad to go back in time and correct any errors that may begin to occur, be it Eli Whitney inventing the flesh-eating robot instead of the cotton gin, Beethoven becoming a professional wrestler rather than the great pianist/composer that he was, or Montezua, leader of the Aztecs, taking a shot at stand-up comedy. Some of the less-farfetched ones include Napoleon being a pushover to his demanding wife and Amelia Earhart being a germophobe. The division that we primarily see is a rather dysfunctional one, consisting, as do most of the squads, of a human and a robot, but a unique addition to their troop is a 21st century orphan that they "adopted" (cough kidnapped) on one of their missions. Now, history has over the years become my favorite subject and I'm going to school to be a high school history teacher, so I've come to appreciate this show even more, which is why I rank it higher than most people do. The best part about the show I have saved for the "Best Character" section, though, as you will see. Tragically, what could have been a long-running masterpiece was not to be, as Time Squad, despite being a ratings success, only ran for two seasons, and the second half of season two came dangerously close to not being aired. What was the problem? Internally, the production was a disaster. The cast hated each other, the production crew constantly bickered about who was more important, and a nasty letter ended with the firing of the creator's wife. Rather than prolong the inevitable collapse of the project, they decided to wrap up the story at the end of the second season. And of course I would be remissed if I failed to mention that the voice of the Larry 3000 is none other than Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill.

Best Character(s): Buck Tuddrussel, The Larry 3000, and Otto Osworth

I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't justify giving this to one of the three main characters and not the others. The best part about this show is that the three main characters compliment each other so well that you could really put them in any given situation and comedy would ensue. In fact, I seriously considered putting this show at #1 for this reason alone. Even the Eds can't attain the level of chemistry (or perhaps antichemistry?) that these three have.

Worst Character:...

Well, considering I already used up the only three regulars...

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how the $@$% do I log out of Facebook (timeline)!?!?!?

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