Current Events > My ex-wife died in her sleep this morning

(+) Yeah! (+)

Her daughter called me and told me earlier. I am a wreck. We may have been divorced but she was still the person I was closest to in this world, I don't really have any friends or family that are close to me. We would still talk or text every few days. Last thing she said to me was about all the things she had planned to do today. She was only 51, I didn't know the exact cause but she had been fighting diabetes for the last few years and it ran in her family (her mom died of it).

I know others on here have posted about their loss. Does it help? I feel like I am responsible since I was taking care of her for 25 years. I'm sure it would've hit a lot harder if we were still together but even knowing I probably wouldn't have ever seen her face to face again I am still devastated.

Sorry if I wasted anyone's time but I had to share somewhere.

I'm really sorry, man.

RIP to her

Hey BT.

Welcome to a club nobody ever wants to join. It helps me immensely to talk about the loss of my wife and how my grief is. First of all know that it is not your fault. Poor health happens and ultimately people need to decide for themselves to take care of their health problems or not. It is not your fault.

I know this may sound weird as she is your ex-wife and all, but if you feel up to it share a story about what made her special to you.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/9/9b5dbc43.jpg

Sorry for your loss

bigtiggie23 posted...

She was only 51, I didn't know the exact cause but she had been fighting diabetes for the last few years and it ran in her family (her mom died of it).

condolences for your loss, one of my great-uncles had the diabeetus and lost his foot. i don't think it's family related but i had a brush with pre-diabetes myself until i made healthier choices on how i wanted to live my life.

posting about loss does help for some, i did the same when my uncle passed from meth psychosis and he proceeded to end himself in his bedroom after 4 days of hallucinations (nothing i could've done to stop what was in motion).

*hug* im sorry for your loss

The one thing I could share about her that made her special was she was the one person who understood me. No matter what I would say or do, no matter how silly it seemed, she would get it and back me up on it, or at least play along. We knew each other's quirks and loved them.

My condolences, TC. May they rest in peace.

bigtiggie23 posted...

The one thing I could share about her that made her special was she was the one person who understood me. No matter what I would say or do, no matter how silly it seemed, she would get it and back me up on it, or at least play along. We knew each other's quirks and loved them.

I miss my late wife more in the sense she was my best friend over being my partner. I totally get that.

That loss will always be there, but as you fill your life with other important things it becomes less the focal point. Think of your world like a circle. That loss of a best friend is a huge part of that circle right now. But if you fill your life with more love, friendship, etc... the circle that is your world gets bigger. That loss doesn't get smaller, your world just gets bigger around it.

Grieve however you need to so long as it does not harm you or others. Beyond that there is no wrong way to mourn.

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry to hear TC. Good on you, though, with carrying what sounded like a healthy relationship after divorce. You're not wrong for speaking out here of all places.

I don't mean to say anything in bad taste, but props to Jeff coming through in these topics having his own topics at the time, living out each chapter, seeing it it through, collecting himself over time, and turning that experience as a way to look out for others who experience the same/similar.

Thanks everyone for your concerns. One other question I have is how much of a chance is there of her passing making future dating awkward? I mean we have been divorced for nearly a year and I have already seen a few people since (plus she already had a new bf as well) but I am hoping I don't start feeling like I am betraying her memory now.

bigtiggie23 posted...

Thanks everyone for your concerns. One other question I have is how much of a chance is there of her passing making future dating awkward? I mean we have been divorced for nearly a year and I have already seen a few people since (plus she already had a new bf as well) but I am hoping I don't start feeling like I am betraying her memory now.

The fact that you've already been dating I think you're ahead of the game there. Sounds like it was a complicated relationship and you discovered you were better as friends and co-parents than as a married couple.

Would your ex-wife want you to hold back on your own health and happiness so as to not "betray her memory"? Sounds like you both cared a lot about each other and I doubt anyone who cares about you that way would want you to stay stuck in a sad state like that.

Sorry to hear brother.

Condolences to you and the family.

RIP to her.

My heart goes out to you TC. Im truly sorry.
Also:

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

The fact that you've already been dating I think you're ahead of the game there. Sounds like it was a complicated relationship and you discovered you were better as friends and co-parents than as a married couple.

Would your ex-wife want you to hold back on your own health and happiness so as to not "betray her memory"? Sounds like you both cared a lot about each other and I doubt anyone who cares about you that way would want you to stay stuck in a sad state like that.

This post hits the nail on the head, and I dont think theres a better user on this board that can offer you better advice through experience.

Shit, OP. That's terrible. 51 is far too young to go.

Im sorry to hear that brother. My heart goes out to yall

Im so sorry for your loss.

As for dating, only you can know what is right for you. Dont let anyone else tell you its too soon, or its time to get out there, or anything else. Its your choice and no one elses. You arent betraying her memory; her memory will always live within you and in her child(ren).

Sorry for your loss brotha, take care of yourself

Thanks again everyone. And I am sure Jeff was the one I was thinking about when I remember people being open with their experiences. I am sure the pain is still there for you, but hopefully with your advice I can go forward in the healthiest way possible like you have.

Talking about it is never a waste of time, I for one, will always be willing to lend an ear to someone who needs to unload.

My sincere sympathies for your and her family's loss.

Sorry for your loss, mate.

Do what it takes to get through it. Including posting here.

Im sorry for your loss, she obviously meant a lot to you and cared for her deeply, its okay to celebrate the life she had lived too.

My condolences TC. Iirc another user's wife died suddenly in her sleep Darth something but the name is escaping me.

Sorry for your loss

She sounded like an amazing person to have in your life even if marital life wasn't for you guys, i'm sorry TC.

Sorry for your loss TC

Sorry for your loss. May she rest in peace.

Well it's been a whole day now, and the shock is gone but naturally most of the pain is still there. I talked with her daughter for a while today. As the one who had been caring for her since we separated she told me more about exactly how sick my ex had been, at one point being moved to an assisted living facility. Maybe I should feel bad for not seeing it, but she was always so cheery and in good spirits.

As spiritual people my stepdaughter then told me to see it a different way, she isn't sick anymore and she gets to be with her parents and younger brother again. Which is how I choose to see things, she isn't sick in a bed in some care facility, she can be everywhere now.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, TC. It's good to hear that you guys were on good terms however. Oftentimes people become bitter towards one another following a divorce, but it seems that you two remained quite close, which I think says a lot about the both of you.

The pain of losing a loved one never completely goes away, but things do get better in time, even if that doesn't seem possible. And while I know we're all just strangers on the internet, this is a solid board with (mostly) good users, and we're all here and willing to listen if you want someone to talk to. Thank you for sharing this with us.

bigtiggie23 posted...

she gets to be with her parents and younger brother again

Not to cherry pick but I imagine losing a younger sibling does sit a certain way, and this sentiment carries more weight to it.

What it seems like is your ex had some handle on the terms by which she lived and how she wanted you to see her as.

Different fruit altogether, but when I thought of my dad passing to pancreatic cancer, I looked at upsides of the situation we take for granted in our first world living: he wasn't cheated out of life by someone else's doing. He passed on a bed (albeit hospital), not the street, nurses put up with him, he got to make some peace with the tensions he had. Family got their fair chance to see him at least one more time.

Your ex sounds like she was taken care of well, and peacefully passed. That degree of separation that existed has no animosity to it. By the way you've described things, it seems as smooth as a post-divorce relationship could be. Sounds like something to appreciate.

Im very sorry for your loss. At least there is no pain where she is now, just peace

Sorry for your loss. 51 is too young.

I'm so sorry for your loss, TC.

Sorry if I keep coming on here sharing every different thought I have about the situation. I just think of how unfair everything was to her. Tuesday night while she was in bed with her heart beating its last beats I was home doing my normal stuff, watching videos, playing games, generally enjoying myself. And I feel like I can't live that down, having fun on her last night.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Hey BT.

Welcome to a club nobody ever wants to join. It helps me immensely to talk about the loss of my wife and how my grief is. First of all know that it is not your fault. Poor health happens and ultimately people need to decide for themselves to take care of their health problems or not. It is not your fault.

I know this may sound weird as she is your ex-wife and all, but if you feel up to it share a story about what made her special to you.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/9/9b5dbc43.jpg

Wow that quote from Aubrey P is fucking accurate af

bigtiggie23 posted...

Sorry if I keep coming on here sharing every different thought I have about the situation. I just think of how unfair everything was to her. Tuesday night while she was in bed with her heart beating its last beats I was home doing my normal stuff, watching videos, playing games, generally enjoying myself. And I feel like I can't live that down, having fun on her last night.

You just never know man, you can't know when something you care deeply about is going to be gone sometimes.

It is not a waste of time and it is fine to vent your feelings, if not with a therapist, at least to someone who will listen/read.

I had never lost close famaily members until september of last year, and I still miss my grandpa. But this sint about me, you will have this feeling and it will be there, for better or worse you will remember the good times too which is nice.

bigtiggie23 posted...

Sorry if I keep coming on here sharing every different thought I have about the situation. I just think of how unfair everything was to her. Tuesday night while she was in bed with her heart beating its last beats I was home doing my normal stuff, watching videos, playing games, generally enjoying myself. And I feel like I can't live that down, having fun on her last night.

No, you have to share. Don't worry about that one bit.

I have a question to challenge that thought you have right now. What would have been the benefit to ANYONE, your ex-wife included, for you to have not enjoyed your life and done your regular life things the night before she died? Do you imagine it would have made her happy to think that you were just sitting there being depressed and sad?

You used the word "unfair". Her death was unfair as most death is. Since you cannot tell the future and it sounds like she legitimately hid her own health concerns from you (I'm sure as a perceived act of kindness on her part because she knew these facts would impact you), how was it unfair to her that you lived your life that night?

I would suggest seeing a therapist or counselor, mine did really great work with me.

bigtiggie23 posted...

Sorry if I keep coming on here sharing every different thought I have about the situation. I just think of how unfair everything was to her. Tuesday night while she was in bed with her heart beating its last beats I was home doing my normal stuff, watching videos, playing games, generally enjoying myself. And I feel like I can't live that down, having fun on her last night.

It's perfectly fine to share your thoughts here, I will continue to lend an ear.

And you don't need to beat yourself up. You didn't know. People pass all the time, and people spend their time doing simple things like watch tv. It's all a part of life and doesn't devalue any of it, or your feelings.

When my grandmother passed she had been living with my parents for a couple years since she couldn't live alone. I came over twice a week to visit while she lived there, helped drive her home from an old folks day center a couple times because my mom ended up needing a break sometimes and she visited there once a week.

I even sat by her bedside all night tjje night before; my father played her favorite songs for the last week or two in her bedroom on his acoustic guitar, like Puff the Magic Dragon. This was after she couldn't get up anymore. I wish i had visited more, because when I came back the next week she was nonresponsive, but alive.

After the night i stayed with her the next night, while watching, my dad came back with Arby's. Nobody wanted to cook. We knew the end was near... but what we didn't kmow was that it would happen when we weren't at her bedside, but downstairs chatting and eating Arby's of all fucking things. My mom brought up how she was independent, proud, always wanted to look strong and be a good host. Perhaps the solitude is what she needed.

It still bothers me, and I still feel bad about it. But it happens. Circumstance didn't change my sincere feelings, and it doesn't change yours. Keep telling yourself that and maybe one day we can accept it fully.

Sorry for derailing a bit with a personal story.

Im sorry for your loss.

Sincerest condolences TC. That's terrible news RIP.

I'm so sorry for your loss

My condolences

How ya doin bud?

Thank you for checking up on me. I still think about her a lot bit I do my best to stick to the happy times we had. I went back to work after taking some time off. I know this may seem weird buy I find it odd I haven't had any dreams about her yet. I say that because I dream almost every night and my dreams are heavily influenced by what went on when I was awake. All I've been thinking about her I thought that wouldn't stop just because I am sleeping.

Fuck dude
I'm really sorry.

bigtiggie23 posted...

I know this may seem weird buy I find it odd I haven't had any dreams about her yet

they'll show up at some point. i had dreams about my uncle who passed. same with my dog at times.