Current Events > Parent divorce arc ongoing. No idea how to respond to my mom's texts

(+) Yeah! (+)

So yesterday they officially told my sister and I they are getting a divorce

Context: I am 24, work remotely at my parents house to save on rent. Sister is 31, single mom with a nephew also at my parents house (it's kinda a big house).

Just now my mom texted me. First she said she is at a hotel because she has an early appointment in a nearby city. Ok. Then she added she is scared of my dad, and her "therapist told her to be very careful, so she is."

Next text says she asked my sister to ask my dad to secure all the guns in the house because "[my mom] worries about [my nephew]."

Then she sent a picture of one of my dad's guns in its holster next to his wedding ring and some old dolls in the basement. and a sentence describing that same imagery. That is the final text.

I am at a loss of how to respond to this honestly. So like, yeah, the guns in the house generally speaking could be better secured. It's been like this my whole life though and she is only bringing it up now. Like there's a whole case of rifles & ammo in the laundry room that has a lock but the key is always in the lock.

If she is scared of my dad then fair enough, I have talked to him about the divorce and I got no sense he was violent about it, in fact he presented as very sad and in pain that she says she is afraid of him. But there are two sides to every story i guess.

IDK again I don't know what I'm supposed to respond to these texts with. Like there's no prompt with the last text with the gun picture for me to respond to you know what I mean.

This post maybe reads unhinged or dumb but this is a surreal situation for me. I feel like I am perhaps being indirectly asked to take a side about something or something.

storing guns like that is literally a crime in many(if not all) states, she has a right to want it fixed. if anything happens with one of those guns she would be responsible too if she was living there

I agree but there is no law about it in Indiana as far as I know. What I'm trying to respond to is why she's sending this to me this moment

Tell both your parents My name is Paul, and this shit is between yall.

And yeah, that is a joke and kind of flippant, but they will want you to pick sides, and you dont have to. Their problems are their own, and while ideally they should be able to talk to you and your sister about these things, if they are trying to drag you into the shit show of their divorce, you are absolutely entitled to disconnect. Its harder, because you are living at home, but anytime they bring something up that feels like an emotional trap or sabotage, just shut that shit down and go on your way. Best advice I have, from someone who went through it, though in my teenage years.

P.S. This may be different for you, depending on your parents and your relationship with them, but I refused to trust anything either my mom or my dad said about the other, while they were in the thick of the break up. Both parties, when emotional, tend to exaggerate or outright lie about the faults of the other. Again, that may be different for you, but it is my experience.

Sounds like two separate issues though perhaps the divorce triggered her to think of this and do something about it. That gun shouldnt just be in a pile of toys tbh

honestly it sounds like divorce drama. your mom have a divorce lawyer? if you've never seen a sign of abuse, and from experience i can safely say that children will notice that shit in the house they're living in, then it sounds like she's trying to set a narrative for some favorable divorce outcome.

personally i'd refuse to engage, it sounds like you've had a good relationship with both parents up until this point but honestly their drama is their own they shouldn't involve their children into it.

thronedfire2 posted...

storing guns like that is literally a crime in many(if not all) states, she has a right to want it fixed. if anything happens with one of those guns she would be responsible too if she was living there

pretty sure only MA has a law requiring storage of a gun. a couple other states have regulations, but by and large this isn't a country that requires any form of gun storage. the NRA lobbies hard to prevent stuff like that after all. fuck they even sell bed holsters for shotguns, because nothing says safety like waking up in the middle of the night because of a noise and panic firing on your SI as they come back from the bathroom...

boomgetchopped3 posted...

That gun shouldnt just be in a pile of toys tbh

100% agree with that, nobody deserves to suffer a tragedy of a loved one being lost due to an unsecured gun.

Yes it occurred to me she might be documenting stuff like the picture of the gun and dolls to present as evidence and possibly to put the idea in my head to go downstairs to the basement so I would be a witness to it. For all I know, she put his gun there for example. I'm not saying she did, but I just don't know. My dad does have secure placements of guns (he has a lot of them). There are metal safes in the garage and he has cases with digit locks for handguns. The one in the picture might be a current carry although I don't generally know him to actively carry. It's the one case in the laundry room that is admittedly low effort.

When she wrote about being afraid of my dad honestly it feels like she is trying to plant the idea in my head that my dad might hurt me which is very hurtful because I have never once in my life felt that way. But she could be feeling this all genuinely so I have no idea. The other day my dad was talking to me about this and it was the first time I saw him cry.

I just texted her okay and I love her and did she want me to do anything and she said no. So that is that for now.

ok so one of the first things a divorce lawyer will often tell a woman is that she is in potential danger. honestly, its not really wrong, divorces are messy and they can bring out the worst in people and sometimes that worst can be physical violence. doesn't sound like an issue in your case though so again i'd just refuse to engage in the situation.

Not great at advice here but I think I love you always works.

monkmith posted...

honestly it sounds like divorce drama. your mom have a divorce lawyer? if you've never seen a sign of abuse, and from experience i can safely say that children will notice that shit in the house they're living in, then it sounds like she's trying to set a narrative for some favorable divorce outcome.

personally i'd refuse to engage, it sounds like you've had a good relationship with both parents up until this point but honestly their drama is their own they shouldn't involve their children into it.

pretty sure only MA has a law requiring storage of a gun. a couple other states have regulations, but by and large this isn't a country that requires any form of gun storage. the NRA lobbies hard to prevent stuff like that after all. fuck they even sell bed holsters for shotguns, because nothing says safety like waking up in the middle of the night because of a noise and panic firing on your SI as they come back from the bathroom...

oh I live in MA, guess that's why I thought it was a more common law >_>

monkmith posted...

honestly it sounds like divorce drama. your mom have a divorce lawyer? if you've never seen a sign of abuse, and from experience i can safely say that children will notice that shit in the house they're living in, then it sounds like she's trying to set a narrative for some favorable divorce outcome.

personally i'd refuse to engage, it sounds like you've had a good relationship with both parents up until this point but honestly their drama is their own they shouldn't involve their children into it.

This was actually the first thing to cross my mind as well when I read the first post. There are always going to be things between your parents you don't know but if you're confident your father isn't a threat it's likely a divorce lawyer encouraging her to do stuff. Some lawyers can recommend some really unethical behavior.

BlackScythe0 posted...

This was actually the first thing to cross my mind as well when I read the first post. There are always going to be things between your parents you don't know but if you're confident your father isn't a threat it's likely a divorce lawyer encouraging her to do stuff. Some lawyers can recommend some really unethical behavior.

Yeah, and it's bullshit. Anyone seen Marriage Story?

I hope you are doing okay, Doe

Now this morning she texted me that "I am welcome to attend" her counseling session with her if I want. Then she followed up that "she knows I am working, she has another session next week, so I can plan to take some time off". I feel like this is inappropriate to ask of me

My parents have been teetering on divorce for the last year or two after 50 years or marriage. It's kind of wild. Me and my brothers will listen to them if they want, and offer a place to stay if needed, but we won't sit there and take sides, even if we clearly think there is a right side and a wrong side.

It's honestly amazing how 70 year old adults behave like children.

Even if he's a great, caring person....everyone will be better off with guns secured during moments of EMOTIONAL VOLATILITY. Not that he's a bad person, but it just takes a few drinks and a bout of rage to get the worst out of some people.

Not saying this will happen. I think the focus is good gun hygiene and prevention.

I can't imagine what it's like being in a house full of guns like that. I think I'd be terrified all the time whatever was going on.

I'm a little wary when people start trying to plant fears in your head. Especially when backed by 'my therapist said' (never the most impartial of advisors). Make up your own mind on what's going on with your parents.

Doe posted...

Now this morning she texted me that "I am welcome to attend" her counseling session with her if I want. Then she followed up that "she knows I am working, she has another session next week, so I can plan to take some time off". I feel like this is inappropriate to ask of me

She no longer has her husband to bounce thoughts/emotions off of so you're the next 'man of the house' that she's going to for that.

Has she always tended to seek approval before taking an action?

Edit: This comes across as very gendered but I'm really talking about archetypes and roles. 'Man of the house' just seemed like the best phrase to embody the chain of command so to speak.

CARRRNE_ASADA posted...

Even if he's a great, caring person....everyone will be better off with guns secured during moments of EMOTIONAL VOLATILITY. Not that he's a bad person, but it just takes a few drinks and a bout of rage to get the worst out of some people.

Not saying this will happen. I think the focus is good gun hygiene and prevention.

you'd hate my state, they passed a law a few years back that allowed concealed carry in bars.

They're going to be picking at you to take sides for a long time. If you can't get them to stop, you're still young enough to at least exploit this for material gains.

Doe posted...

Now this morning she texted me that "I am welcome to attend" her counseling session with her if I want. Then she followed up that "she knows I am working, she has another session next week, so I can plan to take some time off". I feel like this is inappropriate to ask of me

Yeah, that's gross. I'd give a very firm "no" to that.

As far as securing guns go, yeah, they should be secure. I personally don't feel safe around them at all. All it takes is an episode of paranoia, psychosis, drugs, heated emotions, or just a plain accident for their to be tragedy. But in this context, if it never bothered your mother before, she is probably attempting to use her "fear" to bolster her position in the divorce, get people on her side, or just feel sorry for herself and get attention.

Id talk to your dad at greater length and let him know you love the guy if you guys are on good terms

Your mom too, ofc, but he may be.. uh.. yeah maybe doing a lot worse

The mother is very clearly trying to manufacture drama and possibly lying about feeling endangered so that she can win the divorce. There is no reason that you should need to go to therapy with her, that is obvious manipulation.

Doe posted...

Now this morning she texted me that "I am welcome to attend" her counseling session with her if I want. Then she followed up that "she knows I am working, she has another session next week, so I can plan to take some time off". I feel like this is inappropriate to ask of me

Oof. This really comes across as weird and gives a strong vibe of some sort of shenanigans on her part. Emotional manipulation to get you to support her or some other tactic to "win big" in the divorce.

Tell her that you feel therapy is a private thing between her and her therapist and you simply would not feel comfortable attending someone else's therapy sessions. Then stick to that. Tell her if she wants to arrange some sort of family therapy thing, where everyone would be there, you could do that. But not private therapy sessions with your mother.