Current Events > Scenario: You wake up tomorrow to discover you are Crash Bandicoot.

(+) Yeah! (+)

You go to sleep as usual but when you wake up in the morning you find that you're not on your bed, but instead are lying on a dirty mud floor in the open.

"Crash? Crash? CRASH!? My battery is fried, make yourself useful big brother and bring an extra battery for me!" You hear a shrill voice bemoan from next to you, waking you from your slumber.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/a/aefc9f7b.jpg

Before you could spell your name you look down and realize you are Crash Bandicoot. The voice was speaking directly to you.

How do you react?
What do you do?

Tell Coco she has a sister instead of a brother now

Pull out my phone and head to trusty old Gamefaqs to look up some cheat codes for my new life.

Woah

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u29WUpWLZJk

AndyReklaw posted...

Woah

This

Bugmeat posted...

Pull out my phone and head to trusty old Gamefaqs to look up some cheat codes for my new life.

You might be upset when you learn you need to physically abuse a polar bear cub by repeatedly curbstomping it's head over and over

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/e/ed0a776f.jpg

It sucks to be a character who has never been in a good game

https://youtu.be/AFcund-zfrI?si=Lixgf6rqOrd5qS4_

https://youtu.be/_YKRCV9YcV4?si=00kl1-U1ljg9HGxV

https://youtu.be/0sjLY_Dat7A?si=ahfIIBgOrVQzh4X0

UnfairRepresent posted...

You might be upset when you learn you need to physically abuse a polar bear cub by repeatedly curbstomping it's head over and over

That would be quite upsetting. But I think I might get over it after two or three lives.

I'd do just about anything for my unusually attractive bandicoot sister.

Well that fucking sucks. Why kouldn't it be Spyro?

darkmaian23 posted...

I'd do just about anything for my unusually attractive bandicoot sister.

I don't even know where to start here

darkmaian23 posted...

I'd do just about anything for my unusually attractive bandicoot sister.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/1/1e0d6873.jpg

The_Korey posted...

Well that fucking sucks. Why kouldn't it be Spyro?

Because you're too lame to be Spyro

Woah. Time to go and die in SO many whimsical ways.

break down crying as my dysphoria gets worse

UnfairRepresent posted...

Because you're too lame to be Spyro

Well at least you seem to know which is superior, but you still fumbled the ball. Reptiles are in my blood.

https://youtu.be/5M-9wAmdMWI?si=lCHDW8tOKVAEYMgj

WOAH woah

woah

WOAHWOAHWOAHWOAHWOAH

First thing I would do is read up on the game mechanics. Second is to buy cheat codes.

well what else do i do? stop a mad scientist with a big head and his army of mutant animal soldiers from taking over the world. with the help of my nerdy sister and a floating mask that talks ofc...

and also:

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/f/f486006a.jpg

darkmaian23 posted...

I'd do just about anything for my unusually attractive bandicoot sister.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/8/884cfd7d.jpg

Where's Tawna?

The Metamorphosis would be better if Gregor turned into Crash.

If terminal montage is anything to go by, die to basically everything while constantly getting revived by Majora's Mask's voodoo father.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPvzdNYpGkk

Sephiroth_C_Ryu posted...

If terminal montage is anything to go by, die to basically everything while constantly getting revived by Majora's Mask's voodoo father.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPvzdNYpGkk

I mean aside from the shrill screaming, that's a pretty accurate depiction of Crash 1

It's just missing the awful bridge level

Immediately assume that I'm dreaming or that I got slipped drugs in my food and drinks or something, and just go along with it for my own amusement. Eventually, I'll probably figure out it's real and have a panic attack or something since I know I won't have any extra lives to help me if I get myself killed. Still, the Crash universe overall beats this doomed reality, if only because the villains are mad scientists and brainwashed mutant animals who always lose instead of rich assholes who get to do whatever they want without consequences.

Turbam posted...

Where's Tawna?

Mainline Tawna broke up with Crash after the first game and then hooked up with Pinstripe for some reason.

Alternate Tawna won't meet Mainline Crash and Coco until Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time.

AceMos posted...

break down crying as my dysphoria gets worse

I would assume that Coco would listen, emotionally support you, and probably be able to help get you what you need. Sure, she won't be able to do anything for you HRT-wise right now since her laptop's battery just died (and as per the plot of Crash 2, you'll get teleported away by Cortex before you get the chance to get a replacement for her), but she's a supergenius and one of the good guys, so I'm sure she'd be only too willing to help her beloved big sister in her time of need. She could probably order what you need online (after she gets a replacement battery for her laptop, of course) or find some way to safely synthesize the hormones in question from home.

If nothing else, you could ask N. Brio to hook you up with something after you help him blow Cortex's global mind control satellite to hell. He made a potion that turned him into a poor man's Hulk, I'm sure he can easily whip up some estrogen and antiandrogens for you (if not invent a new form of all-in-one HRT solution that you only ever need to take once), and he'd owe you big time for helping him stick it to his ex-boss (and the guy who stole the credit for his magnum opus, the Evolvo-Ray).

I'd just go "Whoa!" and spin like a madman. Because that's what Crash Bandicoot does.

Woah

darkmaian23 posted...

I'd do just about anything for my unusually attractive bandicoot sister.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/5/58e26bc0.jpg

Eat a wumpa fruit with Tawny

I immediately jump on a crate.

Go see Tawna I guess

firedoom666 posted...

It sucks to be a character who has never been in a good game

Good thing Crash has been in several great games!

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

You don't have a choice in the matter, it just happened

SMAP- posted...

Good thing Crash has been in several great games!

I dunno if I'd say several lol. 2, 3 and CTR are great. 1, Bash and Wrath are kinda iffy. The rest are just straight bad. Though I haven't gotten to 4 yet.

1 is great and better than 2 and 3 in my opinion. Twinsanity is a flawed but extremely fun game. The remake of CTR, Nitro Fueled is like a brand new game in many respects, lots of new content and probably the best kart racer Ive ever played. I even thought that Rumble online game they put out a couple years ago was pretty cool

ironically, I hated Crash 4 lol

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/1/17e88b7e.jpg

SMAP- posted...

1 is great and better than 2 and 3 in my opinion. Twinsanity is a flawed but extremely fun game. The remake of CTR, Nitro Fueled is like a brand new game in many respects, lots of new content and probably the best kart racer Ive ever played. I even thought that Rumble online game they put out a couple years ago was pretty cool

ironically, I hated Crash 4 lol

Nitro Feuled Tarnished an amazing legacy with its bullshit microtransactions

Nitro Fueled's microtransactions were like the least offensive ever. The only thing they offered was shop credit for cosmetics and you could easily earn enough shop credits to buy the cosmetics you actually wanted just by playing the game normally.

The load times are awful, the adventure map chugs, and the online was always buggy, but it was otherwise a great remake.

I would be surprised and start dancing right away.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SakRaPl8b8Y

Hambo posted...

Nitro Fueled's microtransactions were like the least offensive ever. The only thing they offered was shop credit for cosmetics and you could easily earn enough shop credits to buy the cosmetics you actually wanted just by playing the game normally.

Why not roll over so they can stomp on the other side of your face?

It's predatory as fuck. You need to be online to access it, it wasn't in the copy that critics reviewed, using "Wumpa Coins" to hide how much you're really paying is gross and scummy as fuck, the amount things cost to unlock without paying real money is ludicrious.

It's a nasty way to milk whales and kids who know their parents credit card, on top of a game that did not need it whatsoever.

It's a textbook example of the worst part of modern gaming and you're defending it because it's not as bad as some other games.

A real stain on what would otherwise be an amazing game.

I mean, it's not a positive aspect of the game. But it's not a damning stain on the game's legacy to me. It isn't intrusive and it never felt like I was missing out on anything by not paying. Because I wasn't. The battle passes were free and all the content in them was added into the regular shop rotations after each season. The game really doesn't push you to pay or exploit FOMO like so many games with mtx do.

Like, sorry to anyone whose kids snagged their credit card to buy a million coins or whatever. That genuinely sucks. But idk, it was also just a fun game with a lot of fun stuff to do, and Activision's little money grab in it wasn't part of my experience with it.

I won't deny that it was really scummy using a day 1 patch to implement the system so they could avoid putting "in-app purchases" on the box and marketing though.

I admittedly forgot about the shitty microtransaction stuff since its been a few years, but I never paid a cent for any of that, I got all of the stuff just because I did a lot of races and found the game really fun. Still shitty its there

2025 and now this shit is so accepted that people are flat out defending anti consumer predatory bullshit practices because "IT didn't ruin the game for me"