Current Events > My dad recently started saying "I love you". How do I respond?

(+) Yeah! (+)

My dad was kinda shitty growing up. Prison, domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse etc etc.

anyway we talk on the phone like once a month or so and he recently started ending his calls with I love you. Bye. I dont really come from an I love you family. Usually I just say okay bye but my wife thinks I should start saying it back.

please help ce this seems like the kind of thing youd give great advice about

"I know"

dam thats good. thanks. topic ended.

Do you love him?

gesundheit
i love cake
waterloo
[RE4 meme]
cowabunga

You can say "I love you, too" if you like him or just "Thanks, dad" if you don't wanna.

"Ditto"

I love you too daddy

If you are at a place where you feel that you love him, say so.

Otherwise, stick to positive goodbyes. Things like "take care" and whatnot that show you care about him.

Responding to "I love you" with a simple "good bye" might seem colder than you intend it to.

I like how awkwardly they did this in Yakuza 4.

"I love you."
"Yeah."

I don't tell my family I love them either because I was treated like shit growing up. They tell me they love me and I just say "Okay, bye."

https://youtu.be/Hm1o4DOsj5s?si=5NNyV6DHHbbYljx3

MrMelodramatic posted...

please help ce this seems like the kind of thing youd give great advice about

I don't see any "/s" but I hope that this is sarcasm. :|

TC is Mac from Always Sunny in opposite world

I have nothing actually helpful to say

Oh my dad started doing this too once I was an adult (he was shitty, but not as extreme as your situation). My family never showed any affection growing up, so it feels so awkward. I always just kind of nod, or go 'yeah' lol

I don't think you need to feel obligated to repeat it back. Peoples' suggestions in here about substituting a different positive goodbye seem good, you can adjust that for whatever amount of affection you do have for him

Yeah my dad too, I think they just start getting sentimental in their old age.

I loved my dad, but yea, we didn't have a relationship where we said that to each other.

if you do love him, you could tell him you feel the same, but you don't feel comfortable saying it, if you don't want to.

I don't think it's a bad thing to get used to, though.

I love you.

Thanks.

My dad pretty much only says it to me when I'm leaving on one of my trips where no one is sure how long I'll be gone exactly.

My Dad never said it to me growing up, it's very strange when he does it now.

You don't have to say it if you're not comfortable with it. I do feel it should be acknowledged to a degree though. The above suggestions of "thanks" or "I know" seem reasonable enough to me.

"Awk-waarrrd!"

It was really hard for my dad to start saying it to my sister and I, his dad never said it. I loved him so I would say it back to him every time he said it. By the time I had a kid of my own he had no problem saying it and made damn sure his first grandchild knew just how much he loved her.

I really miss him and am so happy for the relationship my daughter had with her grandpa in the too short amount of time she had with him.

My advice? If you love him, tell him. He's reaching out probably as much for you as himself. He won't be around forever.

Enclave posted...

He won't be around forever.

I think this is quite a big part of it. If you're old enough to have a wife, then your dad is at least 40 years old. Given his previous lifestyle, he might be coming to terms that he won't have another decade to live, and would rather make peace with those he's harmed before he goes out.

I'm not saying you should fall over yourself to tell him you love him and he's the best dad ever - but, rather, perhaps drop the guard for a moment. Next time you speak to him, ask him about some stories from his past. Something he'd be proud to talk about. It might be as simple as the first job he had, or even the first time he saw you walking around. I expect some of those older memories are things he will be quite happy to share, and perhaps even emotional whilst doing so.

As you're older now, and know how life works, I think you'd be much more receptive to his explanations. When you're a kid, you don't really understand adulting; so if he wasn't around, of course you'll feel less enthusiastic when he tries to talk to you. The mere fact that he has kept in touch even once a month, shows that he cares.

He clearly isn't perfect, but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Ten years later, would you rather remember your dad the way you described him, or someone who tried to make amends and at least show a modicum of care to those he wronged?

Don't forget the kids in future too. If their grandad made peace with his demons and what he did, then you can speak positively about your dad to your kids. Again - yes, he wasn't a role model, but when those little nippers say "daddy, tell me about grandad" - you won't have to awkwardly move the conversation on. You can repeat a story he told you about your own childhood.

Above all else, this isn't an easy subject to discuss so I hope this has been of some help.

My dad has never said it to me, or my brother as far as I can remember.

I can only recall a single time he's said it to anyone. That was when he didn't know he had an aneurysm, and it ruptured. He was totally unconscious but regained consciousness in the helicopter on the way to a heart specialist. He thought he was going to die, and asked the paramedics to tell my mom that he loves her. That did a lot to humanize him in my eyes, as he's always been a monster to us. But in that moment he was a scared old man, alone in a strange place, with no one there for him and he was reaching out.

After all of the hate and abuse, he wanted his last words to be those of love for his wife. That was the hardest part of it all.

...of course, afterwards he returned to his vindictive, hateful, and mean spirited self. Even when the stent they put in got messed up and ruptured again, he didn't have anything to say then. Claims to have never said it the first time, but I choose to believe that deep down he does have a heart after all, and even he doesn't know it. Or, the paramedics lied to us.

just curious: what is it that makes you not wanting to saying it in return?

my mother and I dont see eye to eye and treat me like a damn child yet even tho Im in my 30s and got two of my own kids

i just think about forgiveness when I think about the times she hit me and yell and w/e cause revenge belongs to Allah. She herself got beat tho at a young age by my biological father and I want to forgive him too but dont know him

just say something else like I appreciate you or similar

qwerti posted...

just curious: what is it that makes you not wanting to saying it in return?

first line, first post

Just say "i like you...kinda"

Love is good for the person being loved but it's also good for the person loving.

Similar for me as well.
My dad was shit. In later year (last 1-2) he started saying "Thank you" and tried to sound excited about things after a past of trying to start fights and suggesting pulling a gun on me.

On one of his last days he told me he was sorry.

I think it's natural remorse. He had an ego, and had to take a lot of meds to pile on that. Maybe, just maybe he never meant to be how he was, but there was no solving him as a kid growing up and trying to protect major progressions in life. Sucks to think about in that sense, but if you can't reciprocate with your dad, I can imagine you're coming from somewhere and it's to a point you just can't up and change tune like he did.

"Just remember: Trevor is a stupid name"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0LhJY3XRwg

MrMelodramatic posted...

My dad was kinda shitty growing up. Prison, domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse etc etc.

Older people who change like this are usually facing a life-altering event like their own mortality. Take that information for what it's worth.

I remember stories of people who talk to their friends with a certain customary farewell, only to change it up right before they die, and then they die soon thereafter. So it's something.

I'd ask why he started saying it.

I kind of thought this would be a shit post, but forgiveness isn't really something up to CE.

You don't have to say it if you don't want to. You can show it instead if you want. Or maybe just keeping in touch sometimes is enough.

Also,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaqEw_bMxdo

My dad and I are very close, but hardly ever said I love you. He did a few times as an adult. Now hes dying of cancer and sedated so I wish we could have said it more. If you love him, and feel safe to express it back then maybe you should say it back. Otherwise a take care or something is good probably.

My dad is an even bigger asshole than when I was growing up and he says that shit.

It's like, how about you just quit putting effort into ruining my life?

This can be hard. I too came from a family where saying I love you simply was not a thing. Albeit I did not have the shitty dad part of our relationship. We never did see eye to eye in things but that was really the worst of it. I also in the past couple years have started saying this to both my mom and dad. It can be weird at first, but if you do love him it will become easier. If you still have reservations and doubts based on him being a shit dad when you were younger then the answer to your question is a deeply introspective one. We can give whatever advice we can, but ultimately it comes down to you and how you feel .

I hope you find the right answer for you my friend.