Current Events > coworker just surprised me with a gift and i had to tell him off :(

(+) Yeah! (+)

I don't think that you're a bad person or anything, but when I asked how you FEEL when people are trying to give you gifts to make you put in this boundary (which I think is a valid boundary to have), you just are like, "I unno"

Obviously you put up this boundary because accepting a gift leaves you with some sort of negative emotion attached to it. What is that negative emotion that you are trying to avoid that you get when you receive a gift?

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its just crazy weird

i do get that im a weird guy and that there are those who love to shit on me if they can, but at least make it make sense if u do, right

Pretty crappy of you.

shruggie

You don't like gifts?

Cheater87 posted...

You don't like gifts?

i dont, i also dont like surprises

Enjoy being alone in a retirement home if that's how you treat people

lmfao

that was good

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Can I ask why you feel odd accepting gifts?

I've always wondered why some people feel awful accepting gifts. Just curious how it makes you feel when someone wants to give you something.

Dungeater posted...

i just do, i dunno why

That doesn't at all justify the type of reaction you have your coworker.

There's a lot of things that are "just because". People can have a problem with you because they "just do". Is that a frame of mind you'd want to encourage?

Did you suspect gift was due to unrequited crush or something?

Would a totally platonic friend who saw you in stressful mood and wanting to make you feel better by thoughtfully selecting something related to something you like such as Persona make you uncomfortable?

Well, no surprises for you! lol

KaZooo posted...

That doesn't at all justify the type of reaction you have your coworker.

idt it needs justification

WingsOfGood posted...

Did you suspect gift was due to unrequited crush or something?

nah i think he was just doin somethin nice

Chewisbeast posted...

I hate getting gifts too as I hate the feeling that I have to reciprocate the action, even though I know I don't have to I still feel like I have to.

That being said if someone does give me a gift I still just take it and say thanks since it's the polite thing to do. Even if you're in a position of power over them you can still accept the gift and explain politely why gifts aren't acceptable moving forward or something. No need to completely shit on someone trying to be kind.

I was going to reply with pretty much this. I hate receiving gifts for the same reason. I'm a very generous person, but I hate feeling obligated.

But I have never refused a gift. I would rather deal with the obligation (as much as I hate it) than hurt someone's feelings who is being nice to me.

So TC, I understand and sympathize, but I could never do that. Not trying to be mean here, I'm just politely trying to maybe get you to reconsider your position. It's up to you.

There's a problem here that I just can't reconcile.

1. You feel bad accepting gifts.
2. You feel bad telling people you can't accept gifts.

I don't understand how you do both those things at the same time.

Tyranthraxus posted...

There's a problem here that I just can't reconcile.

1. You feel bad accepting gifts.
2. You feel bad telling people you can't accept gifts.
I don't understand how you do both those things at the same time.

i dont understand how these arent reconcilable? someone does something nice that i dont want, i tell them truthfully i dont want that, they are understandably disappointed, and i am understandably remiss at having disappointed them, yet still glad i stated my boundary

Dungeater posted...

i dont understand how these arent reconcilable? someone does something nice that i dont want, i tell them truthfully i dont want that, they are understandably disappointed, and i am understandably remiss at having disappointed them, yet still glad i stated my boundary

I guess what I'm trying to say is you shouldn't feel bad for not doing something that makes you uncomfortable. That kind of logic leads to dangerous places.

Tyranthraxus posted...

I guess what I'm trying to say is you shouldn't feel bad for not doing something that makes you uncomfortable. That kind of logic leads to dangerous places.

i dont feel bad bc of that, it just stinks disappointing someone. theres nothin i can do about it tho, ill live. its just a little suck, i feel like thats a pretty common feeling

I feel much worse for the coworker than the TC in this situation.

Honestly you coulda just said thanks and then later after you cooled off couldve been like I really appreciate what you did, but I typically dont feel comfortable accepting gifts, for future reference or something.

AceAttorneyist posted...

I feel much worse for the coworker than the TC in this situation.

To be honest yeah. I dont understand the gripe with a gift. Ive been given shit all the time. I jsut say thanks and never look at the item again sometimes

imo it's weird that there are adults who cant imagine ppl feeling things in different ways than they do

JustMyOpinion posted...

That wasn't Doug, that was an episode of Hey Arnold! Do you even Nickelodeon?

lol

Dungeater posted...

imo it's weird that there are adults who cant imagine ppl feeling things in different ways than they do

Its not that. Its just an odd thing to get worked up about to be honest. And I think its okay to say yeah its off. I think society has gotten too comfortable with not telling people yeah thats wrong, weird or not socially normal

People operate on different wavelengths. I do think you could have handled that a bit better tho, my guy.

he was fine when i said bye

If its a boundary you have, its generally best to set it upfront rather than to set it when it is violated.

Noname13 posted...

I think society has gotten too comfortable with not telling people yeah thats wrong, weird or not socially normal

Is this really the direction you want the argument to take, because it's an incredibly slippery slope and has a very unfortunate implication

KaZooo posted...

That doesn't at all justify the type of reaction you have your coworker.

There's a lot of things that are "just because". People can have a problem with you because they "just do". Is that a frame of mind you'd want to encourage?

People thinking that them feeling assertion way gives them carte blanche to react to any and all stimuli as they please snd not to be judged for it is a big problem with people today

Yes we all have boundaries and preferences; but so do the people we interact with. Navigating that is a 9art of learning how to interact with society and be an adult.

Dungeater posted...

imo it's weird that there are adults who cant imagine ppl feeling things in different ways than they do

I mean, you're kind of doing that yourself right now, aren't you?

I can understand that you don't like to receive gifts, that's not a particularly weird social norm, and a lot of people don't feel comfortable receiving gifts, especially from people that they don't know on a personal level as anything more then just a co-worker.

But your responses through this entire topic don't particularly paint you in an altogether good light, nor does it really help the fact that you were very clearly an asshole in this situation, yet have the mindset of "No I wasn't, I just have boundaries".

Cool, that's great, but did you ever consider that the other person might have societal boundaries too, and that the shitty way you handled the situation might have triggered that same emotional response in him that you don't like when you receive unsolicited gifts? Because it sure as hell doesn't seem like it did.

"Oh but I apologized to him later, and he seems cool now" means fuck all. You're not him, you don't know if he's just smiling and saying "No, it's no big deal", when in reality it IS a big deal to him. The way you handled the situation is shit, the way you're acting towards criticisms towards how you handled the situation is shit, and frankly, it doesn't paint you out to be a particularly good person.

I'm going to go with what others in the topic are saying - I feel worst for your coworker for the way you handled a completely harmless, good faith gesture.

CoyoteTheGreat posted...

If its a boundary you have, its generally best to set it upfront rather than to set it when it is violated.

sure, generally. i dont think i could have expected this to happen tho

was he flirting with you or making moves on you?

Or was he just giving you a gift?

I think you were a bit aggressive, unless there was more to this story.

Main character vs npc

this reminds me of a time i posted about how a guy at my old overnight job insisted i pick something out from the store for him to buy me. he motioned for me to come out from behind the register, put his hand on my shoulder, and waited. i too got called names because they couldn't see how being stopped and put on the spot, let alone touched when you don't want it- can make someone uncomfortable.

so i'm not gonna judge anyone for the boundaries they want to set, but i do still feel bad for the guy in TC's story

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You absolutely do not need a degree to make that statement lmfao.

Some behavior is anti-social and anti-conducive to a healthy environment. Tcs behavior is one of those examples

I don't get the issue lol. I think TC handled it just fine.

I do have a degree not in psychology. But I dont need a degree to say, you doing too much

Super_Slash posted...

I don't get the issue lol. I think TC handled it just fine.

And yet the tc felt the need to create a topic about it, and even said they feel shitty about it. That sounds like the exact opposite of fine to me.

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I'm not ragging on the TC, I'm just saying it definitely wasn't a fine situation.

Noname13 posted...

Its not that. Its just an odd thing to get worked up about to be honest. And I think its okay to say yeah its off. I think society has gotten too comfortable with not telling people yeah thats wrong, weird or not socially normal

In that case I'm gonna tell you that your obsession with this boogie guy is weird. Stop making topics about him, it's unhealthy.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


No one has an issue with TC presenting their boundary its how they did it.

Statements such as "You should just say thanks and move on" runs contrary to any advice a therapist or psychologist is going to suggest.

TC didn't go to a therapist. They went to gamefaqs. You don't go to gamefaqs and expect a therapists opinion. You dont go ANYWHERE that is not a therapist and expect a therapists opinion unless the place you go has a therapists present.

So when you support statements that runs contrary to what licensed therapists/psychologists are going to recommend; I'm going to question not only the person's credentials but where those statements came from.

You're on gamefaqs. You shouldn't be expecting therapist takes either.

"Society" has learned to become softer and is becoming more aware to various social stigma and difficulties people may possess and more empathetic regarding them.

But thats not what TC did.

What's your qualifications for making the declaration that the TC's behavior is anti social? I see a lot of people making very strong claims

Yes, that is going to happen when you go to a message board and solicit opinions on an action you took part in. Im no scientist, but its not reasonable to expect otherwise.

Perhaps anti social is the wrong term, but I think the idea has been communicated.