Current Events > coworker just surprised me with a gift and i had to tell him off :(

(+) Yeah! (+)

i had just gotten off a complaint call and was stressed out and writing an email, when coworker snuck up behind me, played persona music, and put a joker amiibo on my desk (my desk has lots of persona shit)

it scared the hell out of me first off, and second i hate receiving gifts. i said "blank i cant accept this, plus im dealing with annoying shit right now im sorry"

he apologized hard and went back to his desk

i finished what i was workin on and brought the amiibo to his desk and said "i appreciate you thinking of me, but please dont give me gifts, i dont like receiving gifts" and said he understood

i feel shitty man

Can I ask why you feel odd accepting gifts?

I've always wondered why some people feel awful accepting gifts. Just curious how it makes you feel when someone wants to give you something.

that sucks.

not necessarily that he gave you the gift or that you don't like receiving gifts, but that we sometimes operate on different wavelengths that aren't always compatible, and one (or more) of the parties might end up either being hurt and/or feel like they're bound to a convention that makes them uncomfortable.

How hard would it have been to just say 'thanks very much', and not make someone feel bad for being thoughtful?

Yeah you should have considered their feelings.

ClayGuida posted...

Aita?

Yes, you are.

im not asking if im an asshole here, tho i dont feel having firm boundaries is being an asshole

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Can I ask why you feel odd accepting gifts?

I've always wondered why some people feel awful accepting gifts. Just curious how it makes you feel when someone wants to give you something.

i just do, i dunno why

Baron_Ox posted...

that sucks.

not necessarily that he gave you the gift or that you don't like receiving gifts, but that we sometimes operate on different wavelengths that aren't always compatible, and one (or more) of the parties might end up either being hurt and/or feel like they're bound to a convention that makes them uncomfortable.

yea im not hurt or anything i just don't need extra stress

ai123 posted...

How hard would it have been to just say 'thanks very much', and not make someone feel bad for being thoughtful?

im not gonna sit here and pretend like im okay with it tho. its my boundary and i am setting it for future ref

Dungeater posted...

im not gonna sit here and pretend like im okay with it tho. its my boundary and i am setting it for future ref

That's an "Assertiveness versus Aggression" thing that shows up in a couple therapeutic circles.

It is entirely possible to communicate boundaries without hurting someone's feelings.

In this case, you may have snapped at him a bit at first, but you're going through a lot of shit right now, it's understandable.

The second thing you told him afterwards was perfectly reasonable.

I get that you were stressed but literally all you had to do was say thanks

Dungeater posted...

im not gonna sit here and pretend like im okay with it tho. its my boundary and i am setting it for future ref

So the boundary you chose to stress is "don't ever think of giving me things if you see that my day is going shitty"

Weird flex but ok. If those are boundaries you set for gift-giving then whoo boy I can only imagine how the other joys of work go in your day-to-day. Sometimes it's good to pick your battles. A coworker being thoughtful and wanting to cheer you up is certainly better than a coworker who dogs on and mocks you for having a shitty day (and there are lot more coworkers like these).

DrizztLink posted...

That's an "Assertiveness versus Aggression" thing that shows up in a couple therapeutic circles.

It is entirely possible to communicate boundaries without hurting someone's feelings.

In this case, you may have snapped at him a bit at first, but you're going through a lot of shit right now, it's understandable.

The second thing you told him afterwards was perfectly reasonable.

yea. i didnt yell at him or anything the first time, just a clearly stressed tone

BlueBoy675 posted...

I get that you were stressed but literally all you had to do was say thanks

nope, didnt want it

"I had to tell him off"
no you didn't, that's straight up jackass shit

all you "had to" do was communicate your boundary
you were in a bad mood and you chose to spread it around

nobody I hate more than people spreading their misery

i am always amazed at how ppl extrapolate much crazier scenarios from what i write

like, i simply meant "i had to decline his gift"

does what i said to him in the op sound like being told off

if so might i suggest a spine

like ftr, i feel bad about declining his gift, not about standing firm for myself

I get that it's your boundary that you're allowed to set, but tbh I can't help but feel really bad for the coworker who clearly put thought into identifying an interest of yours and picking out a gift that went with that theme, only to be made to feel like they're some kind of selfish asshole by the recepient.

There were definitely better ways to handle this situation, the way you handled it was really bad imo

thats fine w me

Dungeater posted...

does what i said to him in the op sound like being told off

To be fair, you did put "I had to tell him off" in the topic title. But what you put in the OP didn't sound too harsh to me.

Hopefully your coworker understands and doesn't take it personal. I've worked with people before that didn't want gifts and people were usually pretty good about respecting that.

I hate getting gifts too as I hate the feeling that I have to reciprocate the action, even though I know I don't have to I still feel like I have to.

That being said if someone does give me a gift I still just take it and say thanks since it's the polite thing to do. Even if you're in a position of power over them you can still accept the gift and explain politely why gifts aren't acceptable moving forward or something. No need to completely shit on someone trying to be kind.

Dungeater posted...

like, i simply meant "i had to decline his gift"

judging by everything else you said, it was probably just as aggressively uncomfortable as your title suggested, when it didn't have to be

people telling you to take the gift anyway are probably orbiters, sure, but there's a reason they're calling you out. you handled this wrong and you made the topic proving it, there were obviously betters ways to achieve what you wanted to and you were too angry to manage it

NoxObscuras posted...

To be fair, you did put "I had to tell him off" in the topic title. But what you put in the OP didn't sound too harsh to me.

yea thats on me, i didnt realize how much more srs that sounded

i think going up to him after and thanking him and relaying what i sound in a more chill way resolves it pretty neatly

Chewisbeast posted...

That being said if someone does give me a gift I still just take it and say thanks since it's the polite thing to do. Even if you're in a position of power over them you can still accept the gift and explain politely why gifts aren't acceptable moving forward or something. No need to completely shit on someone trying to be kind.

yea i dont really compromise for social conventions like that. i mean i pick and choose my moments sure, im not gonna be like no i dont want it every time someone tries to give me something. and i would never completely shit on someone for it either

Honestly i were the friendly co-worker I'd probably tell you guys to quit picking on Dung at this point; I don't think he would want this level of aggressive support against someone he was trying to cheer up.

Dungeater posted...

im not gonna sit here and pretend like im okay with it tho. its my boundary and i am setting it for future ref

If I had boundaries that prevented people being pleasant or thoughtful towards me, I would ask myself why that was, and are they actually doing me any good.

thats fine i dont feel picked on, im confident in myself on this so it doesnt bug me if other ppl think its worse than it is

edit: at absolutebuffoon

You didn't "have" to, you chose to, because you're a weirdo, and everyone here already knows that. Just say "Thanks blank, I appreciate it" like any other person would have.

ANort posted...

You didn't "have" to, you chose to, because you're a weirdo, and everyone here already knows that. Just say "Thanks blank, I appreciate it" like any other person would have.

nah. im setting the record straight so he doesnt do it again

obv i chose to lol. do u understand how language works i obv do not mean i was compelled with no agency

Dungeater posted...

nah. im setting the record straight so he doesnt do it again

Yeah he really needs to learn how unacceptable it is to be considerate of others and make kind gestures

TMOG posted...

Yeah he really needs to learn how unacceptable it is to be considerate of others and make kind gestures

Man you guys are really making a mountain out of a mole hill. TC even told the co-worker that he appreciated the gesture

TMOG posted...

Yeah he really needs to learn how unacceptable it is to be considerate of others and make kind gestures

ur doing that internet thing where u extrapolate what i said into a completely different broad thing

why do you still feel shitty after clearing up how you first responded to the coworker?

Blastia posted...

why do you still feel shitty after clearing up how you first responded to the coworker?

cuz empathy. it just stinks when something like this doesnt work out, thats why i went over to him after

Dungeater posted...

cuz empathy. it just stinks when something like this doesnt work out, thats why i went over to him after

that's fair, i get that.

it happens. i think you're poster that has a long distance BF, right? if i remember correctly, you posted about how work has been stressful. didn't you put in a request for leave or something? how's that turning out?

Literally you should probably talk to a professional about this because it is not normal or healthy.

i only just put the request in. been corresponding with my provider for the steps. should be locked in soon

@ Blastia

Dungeater posted...

i only just put the request in. been corresponding with my provider for the steps. should be locked in soon

@ Blastia

hope it goes through soon. burn out is the last thing you wanna go through for sure

You just sound like a mean person. Just say "thanks" and move on to your day.

an unfortunate amount of ppl conflate firm with mean

Sounds like you handled it well enough. If something makes you uncomfortable, you shouldnt have to pretend. And yeah it sucks when you gotta make someone feel bad, but it wasnt malicious.

an unfortunate amount of ppl conflate firm with mean

you feel mean over how you reacted to a nice gesture. that's why this topic was made. you know you weren't in the wrong to set a boundary and to be firm. but right now you feel like doug in the karate episode after he blasted the guy who just wanted to know when the bus was coming.

i would ask how you'd respond if he were to tell you that he thought it was mean.

Aw man, that's a shitty situation all around. Good to maintain boundaries, but I get it can still feel shitty.

great job, you think only about yourself and not about how you affect others

standing firm and being full of yourself. fantastic. congrats. we should all applaud you.

bruh lol