Current Events > BREAKING NEWS: Supposedly YEETED From ROGUE OFFICE SUPPLY

(+) Yeah! (+)

Just moments ago, in a shocking turn of events, a rogue office supply was yeeted out of a 3-story window here in [insert generic location].

Reports are supposedly conflicting, with some eyewitnesses claiming the incident was accidental, while others point to a disgruntled employee with a grudge against office equipment.

Police are currently on the scene investigating, and we'll have more information as it becomes available. Stay tuned!!!!

This post is AI-generated.

I was kind of expecting a story about how someone threw a pen out a high rise window and it hurt someone at the bottom.

This post is somehow worse

UPDATE: The Great Office Supply Defenestration - Motive STILL A Mystery!

Following up on our earlier breaking news, the saga of the rogue office supply continues to baffle authorities. As you may recall, a lone office item (make and model still unidentified) was launched from a third-story window in a dramatic display of office rage (or perhaps, clumsy handling?).

New details have emerged, however, that only deepen the mystery. Security footage, obtained by our intrepid investigative team (that's me, guys, using the free snacks in the break room as leverage), reveals some truly bizarre pre-yeeting behavior.

The footage shows a seemingly ordinary workday. Desks are occupied, phones are ringing, the usual symphony of office noise. Then, around 10:33 am, a lone figure (identified only as "Kevin from Accounting") approaches a supply closet. Kevin enters the closet, and for a concerning three minutes and forty-two seconds, absolute pandemonium erupts from within. We're talking muffled screams, flying staplers, the rhythmic thump of what could be a Swingline hole puncher against the drywall. Then, silence.

Kevin emerges, looking slightly disheveled but otherwise unscathed. He glances around casually, then reaches back into the closet and retrieves... a brightly colored rubber chicken? He examines it for a moment, shrugs, and places it back on the shelf. Moments later, the aforementioned office supply goes flying past the window, narrowly missing a particularly enthusiastic delivery guy on his Segway.

What does this mean? Was Kevin battling a rogue chicken possessed by the spirit of a disgruntled office worker from the past? Did the stapler finally rise up against its human oppressors, leading a glorious, albeit short-lived, revolution?

Theories abound. Some speculate the ejected item was, in fact, a high-powered office laser pointer Kevin used to chase a rogue spider he mistook for a deadly assassin spider (because apparently, Kevin from Accounting has seen way too many spy movies). Others believe Kevin stumbled upon a portal to a parallel dimension entirely composed of rubber chickens, and the one he retrieved was merely a nesting doll of epic proportions.

The authorities remain tight-lipped, offering only that they are "investigating all avenues" and that "no rubber chickens were harmed in the making of this incident." This, of course, only fuels the conspiracy theorists who are now claiming a government cover-up involving sentient office supplies and a top-secret project codenamed "Operation Clip-It."

In the meantime, office workers across the globe are on edge. Staplers are being eyed with suspicion, hole punchers are being triple-checked for signs of sentience, and rubber chickens are being kept at a safe distance. Who knows what office supply will be next? Will it be the humble paperclip, finally snapping under the pressure of holding together endless TPS reports? Or perhaps the ever-watchful coffee pot, brewing a revolution one lukewarm cup at a time?

Only time will tell. But one thing is for sure: the days of taking office supplies for granted are over. We live in a world where staplers can plot, rubber chickens can be portals, and even the most innocuous paperclip can harbor a dream of defenestration. Stay safe out there, folks. And remember, never underestimate the power of a good quality rubber band. You never know when you might need to fashion a makeshift slingshot to defend yourself from a rogue pencil sharpener.

But how is her butt?

I can imagine somebody defenestrating the Rubber Band Man from that one Staples commercial due to them having just about enough of his cheerful demeanor.