Current Events > Welp, I just endured a verbal and physically abusive tirade from my ex

(+) Yeah! (+)

I'll admit that I'm by no means perfect. I've lied to her, specifically about watching porn behind her back, and she found out...numerous times. Yesterday, when she asked me if I do, I admitted it to her (I don't do "the deed" to it though), which caused this whole verbal dispute between us. Her main issue is that she felt we didn't have sex enough since I pretty much never initiated (which is less because I didn't want to, and more because she's always way more into it when she does the initiation).

We share an apartment together, but she's now talking about moving out. She's been harassing me about paying her $566 in prorated rent because she won't be staying there anymore, and I initially agreed to just because she physically wouldn't let me leave. But now, she's demanding I pay her $50 now and $50 tomorrow, and then the rest on Thursday (when I get paid).

At some point, she literally just started flinging insults at me and then hit me in the back of the head twice when I responded back with a sarcastic n-word (I'm black, so I wasn't using it like a racist). Eventually, I just went into the bedroom, sat on the bed and started scrolling through social media on my phone as she literally went on a 10 minute ramble just verbally abusing me. Telling me how I'm a loser, a pussy, a bitch-ass, how I'm a failure and detached from reality, and a disappointment to my family and the entire time, I just ignored her and kept scrolling through my phone. At one point, she just threw a pillow at me because I was ignoring her.

Eventually, she ended up leaving after I tried to call my mom on the spot to ask her personally if she thinks I'm a disappointment (I know she would have said no). She just kept calling me loser after she left. And even after, she texted me "Loser" and then blocked me.

Honestly, I'm fucking shaking right now. Despite all my flaws and mistakes, I really did love this woman and now after dealing with probably the worst behavior I've dealt with from any romantic partner, I have no idea how the fuck to feel right now. Just two days, we were going out to stores and joking and having fun with each other only for it to turn into this 1 day later. And tbh, I haven't been in the best place mentally since I lost my father less than a year. I just don't know what to fucking do, gents.

RchHomieQuanChi posted...

I'll admit that I'm by no means perfect. I've lied to her, specifically about watching porn behind her back, and she found out...numerous times. Yesterday, when she asked me if I do, I admitted it to her (I don't do "the deed" to it though)

do you uh
just watch it for the story or something?

ArsGoetia posted...

do you uh
just watch it for the story or something?

Tbh, I don't know why. It's probably an addiction, but I'm trying to kick it.

RchHomieQuanChi posted...

Tbh, I don't know why. It's probably an addiction, but I'm trying to kick it.

Honestly it shouldnt even be her concern.
what you do is what you do, she cannot control what you do on spare time.

I'm glad that you recognize what transpired as abuse, I hope you also recognize that an abusive relationship is not one worth salvaging.

Ok

KanWan posted...

Sorry to hear.. yeah, not good brodie. Dont let her get up in your brain about your worth, this whole thing has nothing to do with your worth as a human being and it aint even worth a second of going down that avenue.

Not a single damn second, make sure of that before you even proceed with a conversation of this or that, otherwise youll be expecting fruit out of a tree that has none.

Dunno if its worth fixing shit with someone like that at all, I dont think so personally. Whether she leaves or you leave sounds better than whatever the hell that was tbh

Thanks fam

Tbh, this isn't even the first or second time we've had a major fight. We've been together 5 years and I've made so many mistakes and broken her trust a lot over those 5 years. But at the same time, I loved her and really thought I could make it work.

But after today, I'm in a state of shock. I feel sad as fuck because all of the fun and happy moments we had now have the stink of this shit on them. But now, I'm questioning why I didn't dodge this bullet when I had the chance and I feel like I wasted my entire 20s on a relationship with this much toxicity.

Giacomo_Hawkins posted...

I'm glad that you recognize what transpired as abuse, I hope you also recognize that an abusive relationship is not one worth salvaging.

She does this thing where we'll have a big fight and maybe a day or 2 passes by and then she tries entering my orbit again, and then we're back together.

I'm hoping I have the strength and will to turn my back on her if she does it again. I really don't know how I'd ever be able to see her the same again.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


It's painful because I've never had to deal with anything quite like this in any of my other relationships. My girlfriend in college is probably the "one that got away" because she was just an amazing soul and she liked a lot of the stuff that I liked. But I wasn't emotionally mature enough to treat her the way she deserved to be treated and I can't help but think back on the last long-term relationship I had where I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells and felt like we could actually talk like adults without the insults.

I know it's shitty to think that way, but fuck, I've really fucked up in my relationships.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


I know, and before, I stupidly kept making excuses for it. But I just can't anymore. I literally stopped responding to her just so she couldn't escalate the situation, and yet she still kept verbally attacking me.

What's fucked up about it is that SHE was always the one dumping me, and yet after a day or two, she'd go right back to talking to me and trying to rekindle the relationship. I don't expect that to happen this time because her family basically hates me from everything she told them. But I just don't know what to do. She was pretty much my only friend down here, so now I just feel lonely and depressed. I'm honestly considering moving back to New Jersey to reconnect with some old friends and family and just to get away from her.

But the really stupid part of me is hoping it can be fixed. I just feel like shit.

One thing is for sure, if I ever date again in the future, I'm going to be a lot more picky and I won't be such a doormat

She seems like a miserable person to call your mom and ask that. You don't deserve that. People make mistakes and if you can't move past someone fucking up then is it really even worth salvaging the relationship? Or would she rather just bring it up every time she's mad at you to use it against you.

They can fuck off with that prorated rent nonsense. Don't give her any money. If she chooses to leave early, that's on her.

Carljank posted...

She seems like a miserable person to call your mom and ask that. You don't deserve that. People make mistakes and if you can't move past someone fucking up then is it really even worth salvaging the relationship? Or would she rather just bring it up every time she's mad at you to use it against you.

I probably misworded that. I called my mom, a) to hear straight from her how she really feels about me and b) to prove her wrong.

TC, it probably wont be much comfort, but in the future, youll hopefully be super relieved that youre no longer with her. Even if she was amazing up until just recently, what shes showing you now is indicative of something that was always there, even if shes at her lowest right now. Im sure youre shaken up and will be for a while, but I hope that those feelings will transform after enough time has passed.

I went through something similar with my ex-wife except a lot more physical. She's a toxic person and you're better getting out of the situation before you get that battered spouse syndrome and you get stuck in that circle of hell with her. You'll love again. You might be bad at communicating and meeting her standards which can be hard to match sometimes. She sounds controlling too getting mad about porn and controlling how the rent is paid. You should consider saying fuck it and telling her you're done with her and then block her number. The moment a partner lays their hand on you is the moment you should get out of the mess.

After 6 months to a year of being away from her you'll realize how much better your life is.

PerseusRad posted...

TC, it probably wont be much comfort, but in the future, youll hopefully be super relieved that youre no longer with her. Even if she was amazing up until just recently, what shes showing you now is indicative of something that was always there, even if shes at her lowest right now. Im sure youre shaken up and will be for a while, but I hope that those feelings will transform after enough time has passed.

--Zero- posted...

I went through something similar with my ex-wife except a lot more physical. She's a toxic person and you're better getting out of the situation before you get that battered spouse syndrome and you get stuck in that circle of hell with her. You'll love again. You might be bad at communicating and meeting her standards which can be hard to match sometimes. She sounds controlling too getting mad about porn and controlling how the rent is paid. You should consider saying fuck it and telling her you're done with her and then block her number. The moment a partner lays their hand on you is the moment you should get out of the mess.

After 6 months to a year of being away from her you'll realize how much better your life is.

To be honest, even while I was in the relationship, I felt more relaxed and comfortable when it was just me and our dog in the apartment. I really enjoyed her company, but I always felt like I could end up saying or doing the wrong thing at any given moment before she gets mad and gives me the silent treatment.

This is just gonna be the roughest breakup I've ever experienced. With most of my other exes, we split on amicable terms. And we didn't have an apartment or a dog together. So even if I wanted to avoid seeing her, I can't.

I think I need to just smoke and find something to watch on TV to distract myself. I just don't feel good at all because I'm used to spending every single night with her and now the apartment just feels empty.

She literally physically and verbally assaulted you. If it were me, she'd be fucking gone.

And I hope you recorded her tirade, so she can't throw any bullshit charges at you.

Bump

RchHomieQuanChi posted...

I think I need to just smoke and find something to watch on TV to distract myself. I just don't feel good at all because I'm used to spending every single night with her and now the apartment just feels empty.

You should fuck her friend to feel better.

Carljank posted...

You should fuck her friend to feel better.

I don't say this to be mean, but she doesn't really have any friends she's still in touch with. It pissed me off because I would always encourage her to go out and make friends and do stuff with people who aren't me, but she'd find really petty reasons to just let friendships fall apart. Like if somebody wasn't the perfect friend, she decided that they didn't need to be in her life.

From everything she's told me about her family life, disputes were settled with shouting matches and people talking over each other, so her idea of communication almost feels like a gladitorial battle where she's trying to win over the other person instead of making any room for compromise.

RchHomieQuanChi posted...

One thing is for sure, if I ever date again in the future, I'm going to be a lot more picky and I won't be such a doormat

Exactly. And you should date again. My ex wife treated me like shit and emotionally abused me, but I am so happy with my fiance. It gets better if you don't shut down.

But, and this is not excusing her behavior, you also can learn lessons. You likely could have been a better partner. Realizing what you did wrong isn't weakness; it is empowering as it gives you control.

Finally, find a non-insecure chick who can handle porn. Better yet, watch it together.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


It certainly feels like an addiction, that's for sure. I'm now realizing just how awful she made me feel about myself sometimes, and yet when it was good, it was practically perfect. There were times when she just gave me so much positive encouragement. She was supportive during the hardest time of my life when my dad passed. She genuinely did care about my wellbeing and tried to get me to be a better person for not just her, but for my family and myself. But it's like if I failed to meet that standard, she became so nasty.

But I guess the whole thing with that is that if it were all bad, I wouldn't have even stuck around for this long.

bsp77 posted...

But, and this is not excusing her behavior, you also can learn lessons. You likely could have been a better partner. Realizing what you did wrong isn't weakness; it is empowering as it gives you control.

I definitely could have been better, no arguments there. I know a lot of things are a "me" thing because as I mentioned before, I did screw up things with a genuinely great girl before in the past, who I never had the communication issues with that I had with my now ex. I'm probably gonna take a look at some therapy to see if they can "fix" me.

bsp77 posted...

Finally, find a non-insecure chick who can handle porn. Better yet, watch it together.

The crazy part is we DID watch it together. But I was only "allowed" to watch it if she was present and performing sexual favors on me.

What really gets me is that she was mad about us not having sex enough, but it's not like I ever rejected her. Whenever she intiated, I always recipocrated and always offered to go down on her. She was mad specifically because I didn't initiate enough.

RchHomieQuanChi posted...

I definitely could have been better, no arguments there. I know a lot of things are a "me" thing because as I mentioned before, I did screw up things with a genuinely great girl before in the past, who I never had the communication issues with that I had with my now ex. I'm probably gonna take a look at some therapy to see if they can "fix" me.

It is such a chicken and the egg thing. I have serious anxiety issues (plus I am autistic), but my communication skills are so much better with my fiance because she allows me to be better. She gives me a safe space to state my needs and understand her needs. I try to do the same in return.

We don't actually argue. Not that we don't ever state that we didn't like something, but it is simply: "I didn't like x". "I'm sorry, I won't do x again". End of discussion.

These women are out there, but you have to be open to being that man as well.

Edit to your edit: initiate sex more next time. But once again, you need to be with a more open partner so you feel more open.

bsp77 posted...

It is such a chicken and the egg thing. I have serious anxiety issues (plus I am autistic), but my communication skills are so much better with my fiance because she allows me to be better. She gives me a safe space to state my needs and understand her needs. I try to do the same in return.

I think that's the key. There's times where she'd be understanding of my feelings, but it always felt like it was conditional on her mood. If she was upset, it was basically impossible to get her to be considerate of my feelings.

You called her the N word? Not cool

Best advice I can give u is, watch the porn and do the deed while she's watching you.

We have nothing to do with each other.

The universal eight word response to a shitty clingy ex.

A lot of women are extremely vindictive when they don't get what they want. Don't let anything she says or does get to you. This is more evidence that you need to separate from her as soon as possible and live a happy life moving forward.

With how emotional she's getting she probably will try to circle back some day but you need to stay strong and do whatever you need to do to get her away from you because it can turn into a potentially dangerous situation for yourself.

Lean on Family and Friends as well

RchHomieQuanChi posted...

But after today, I'm in a state of shock. I feel sad as fuck because all of the fun and happy moments we had now have the stink of this shit on them. But now, I'm questioning why I didn't dodge this bullet when I had the chance and I feel like I wasted my entire 20s on a relationship with this much toxicity.

Don't worry about that take it as a learning experience you're going to be free soon. Just stay strong and don't look back

This might have already been answered in the topic, but can I ask why you're still living with your ex and why you're talking about your porn habits with her?