Current Events > I wrote an essay on how pathetic I have been and then don't wanna post it

(+) Yeah! (+)

Cos not sure if people care and also it's embarrassing. About how I've become more and more reclused since my mental breakdown 7 and half years ago and got comfortable changing nothing. until now. I still have the draft but it's super pathetic

Lets see it fam.

SomeLikeItHoth posted...

Lets see it fam.

Ok you asked for it.

ive gotten more postive in a way and less bitter and hateful but I also became too passive and detached from everything and everyone like i didnt care but my emotions are feeling like they are stronger since a few weeks (I mean I feel more of the sadness or happiness emotions not stronger in emotional strength that's a totally different thing) and can't put up living just an existence. I watched a show and it had a life lesson about trying your hardest and it hit me cos I am half assing everything like In daily life and even my hobbies of video editing kinda.... also I gave up on college like maybe a year and half ago? I didn't keep track of when I last went. It could be 2 years even. I'm not depressed just upset at how passive I've been for these 5 years. I had a breakdown 7 years ago and I lost all my friends and when I recovered I said no to returning to the same place cos I knew I'd be bombarded with worriers and questions attention and didn't want it right that time. I got texts saying where I was and I ignored them cos I thought they all secretly hated me but they didn't in retrospect (well I still think one person out my friend group didn't like me, but still) i feel like I'm disappointing those closest to me now cos I'm not doing anything worth doing and I gave up on the college, going to places that specialise in certain topics I'm interested in, tried the gym for a bit then gave up cos i didn't like the aches and pains after working out not to mention putting in that effort in the first place... I spend too much money on gachas and try to justify it cos the rush makes me happy and the amount of time spent on it makes it worth it which is pretty dumb in a way. It's not like I spend a shocking dangerous amount on it but all the money I've wasted in it for 6 years guilt trips me a lot.

I swear I will try to better myself starting tomorrow but i don't know if I have it in me.... This all started cos I think the helper person who supports me since the breakdown is disappointed in me and I feel bad for letting them down all the time for the past 2 years. Also my feelings for them... Without them I think my eyes would still Be closed honestly. First step is to lose weight by diet and exercise then I'll continue from there. I feel a little better writing this down.

super_felicia posted...

I swear I will try to better myself starting tomorrow

me too!!

of course i did say this yesterday as well...

viewmaster_pi posted...

me too!!

of course i did say this yesterday as well...

This is a first for me I never think like this cos I was like "i feel happy enough with just playing games and doing some video editing and doing whatever in my time" as long as I'm content. But I'm not happy with how I'm fat and have no irl friends and have like no one to talk to irl besides my parent and how my old hs friends I never contact anymore from Facebook go out on holidays and have gf and bf and shit while I have never been abroad anywhere and love deprived I don't want sex but just a good companion and sitting on my ass isn't gonna do anything....

I am just 20 btw so it's like if I keep doing this I'm gonna miss out and it'll be too late....and I'll get worse if I just stay complacent