Current Events > Playing F Zero GX (Spoilers)

(+) Yeah! (+)

Just finished Luigi's Mansion, seeing how this thing holds up.

Prologue: The legend himself D E A T H B O R N is making hurtful remarks and deriding the lowly Batman cosplayer black shadow after easily dumpstering him in a race.

Black Shadow says he can win the grand prix this time, but he doesn't sound very self-assured.
Deathborn gets in his car and ditches Black Shadow, leaving him in the middle of some random colossal F Zero highway, possibly with a broken machine.

Much pain lies ahead.

Chapter 1 intro looks like what I want the Yakuza franchise to be. A big bustling city full of excitable part-time racers as opposed to a bunch of moody territorial dispute participants.

I completed chapter 1 on the first go and then my pride was stifled when hard mode unlocked. You get 15 tickets for beating chapter 1. I assume these are speeding tickets.
In the post chapter 1 cutscene, Black Shadow is on TV, something is on fire behind him. He says he'll win the F Zero grand prix. He says it in a campy way but if you've played chapter 7 on very hard mode you know he means it.

Captain Falcon was in this chapter. Cool.

Chapter 1 hard mode down.
I thought I was only going to do the story. I don't know why I am subjecting myself to this.
An opportunity like this to show Captain Falcon my moves. I suppose it would be a shame to let it pass.

probably the greatest untapped well of pure meme material

Can I get you a towl to bite or a soft toy to throw in rage

(Beats chapter 1 on very hard)
FORGET WHATEVER TYPING PATTERNS I NORMALLY USE I ACTUALLY DID IT I AM VIEWTIFUL JOE IN REAL LIFE

Edit: I HAVE BEEN BAPTIZED IN PAIN I HAVE SHOWN CAPTAIN FALCON MY MOVES I HAVE STARED DOWN MY AGE-WITHERED REFLEXES AND PREVAILED
Edit: Oh my god actual excitement and a sense of accomplishment from a video game it's been so long I've searched so tirelessly

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/7/1/3/AAA_aCAAEVRh.jpg

For the record that's only the second time I've ever done ch1 very hard.

Chapter 2.
A samurai with some incredible dissonance between his body language and his voice acting challenges CAPTAIN FALCON to a race.
It's normal difficulty so I'm not going to remember who he was or be very good with the details of the race.
It went about as well for whatever his name was as you'd expect.

Chapter 2 hard mode.
A samurai who I believe was named Gordon the Samurai or something, challenges CAPTAIN FALCON.
There were some rocks falling.
It's hard to see you're going in the later parts of the track but Gordon was Falcon Kicked.

Chapter 2 very hard.
Samurai Goroh challenges CAPTAIN FALCON to a race in Red Canyon which has a lame custom where if you lose you forfeit your machine.
There's lots of giant falling boulders everywhere. You straight up cannot see at the end. I dare say it sucks which is a weird thing to say about F Zero GX but eh.
Samurai Goroh lost, Captain Falcon didn't bother trying to take his machine, then Goroh's machine exploded. Neat.

Memory card is dead set on formatting and wiping everything. This sounds catastrophic but this happens all the time. Old tech.
If it's gonna be difficult I'll just cut the higher difficulties and play for the over the top cutscenes.

I like how the chapter 3 intro cutscene looks.
It's like the chapter 1 cutscene with the idealized Yakuza game but instead of night it's at sundown and you actually get to see more of the other characters.
Captain Falcon helps rig some bets.
Level was free. First try.

"Once again Black Shadow is running wild in the Lightning area."
He just does this every other day I guess.

Chapter 4. I remember this one having no middle ground. It's either lots of fun or tedious. You just side attacks/spin people for five weeks then do the same to Michael Chain.
Common thugs have access to high powered jet cars in this universe.

Chapter 4 done first try. Free.
For some reason even though I took out all of Michael Chain's minions, he has more in the ending cutscene. Oh also even though Michael Chain's car was destroyed in the level (As in it was the actual objective, not an extra thing I chose to do), it seemed fine in the end cutscene.
That was a fun one. I'd turn the diff up and see how much less fun it can get but I'm kind of on a timer now with the memory card up.

Chapter 5.
Captain Falcon has the misfortune of talking to John Tanaka who just gives me mook vibes. The kind of guy who would jump up and down and clap whenever someone quoted the Portal 2 Space Core for literal years after the game came out.
The kind of guy who watches Vtubers and uses isolated clips as his reactions to things.
The kind of guy who wouldn't escape an exploding power plant in under 50 seconds by collecting green boost things.

Edit Chapter 5 done.
Little over 40 seconds. That's fast enough to beat hard mode and fractions away from beating VH. Cool I'll take it.
Oh yeah Jody Summers was trapped in the building. After rescuing her, Captain Falcon irresponsibly deposits her into the arms of known Reddit/Discord user John Tanaka and flees after Black Shadow.

I like the part where Black Shadow is dancing around celebrating the carnage and Falcon takes it completely seriously.

Chapter 6
Captain Falcon and Black Shadow finally meet and talk to each other. Black shadow uses a magic stun spell that produces no sound effects. Then it instantly creates Blood Falcon, fully clothed and aware of the plan he's been created to participate in.
Random mellow elevator music plays as Captain Falcon's car accelerates out of control with a speed sensitive bomb strapped to it.

I think this one's too long considering there's only 4 obstacles. The cars that split at the start, the narrow part, the dirt you have to boost over and the blind turn at the end.
I was assuming the end cutscene would have the least to make fun of but Captain Falcon does make a couple of dumb moan sounds.

I forgot they don't give you enough tickets just by beating chapters.
Just did a standard diff ruby cup and only got 20 tickets. Definitely going to time trial mode if it pulls this again.

Chapter 7.
They introduce a bunch of people who won't win. They're not actually trying to win. I'm convinced Michael Chain, Samurai Goroh and Pico's AI is just set to get in the way and attack you.
Mighty Gazelle, The Skull and Zoda are here to crush your morale by blasting ahead of you with their boosts every few seconds.
Black Shadow and Blood Falcon actually intend to win.

Captain Falcon shortens this to "YOU'LL NEVER BEAT ME!!"

CH7 down. Couple of tries. Used the mines at the end to win. Didn't feel like trying to snipe Black Shadow at the start and paid for it a few times.

More elevator music. Playing while Deathborn appears out of a portal to the underworld, kills Black Shadow and then demands Captain Falcon have a car race with him.
I like Deathborn. He's in one game and it's this one. That's a good record.

CHAPTER 8: D E A T H B O R N
Deathborn's pizza factory is kind of a fun track. There's pizza everywhere, explosives and a sharp turn at the end. I'd like this as a normal grand prix track. I've been going max speed everywhere but I can't remember how bad that last turn is so I'm gonna take a little accel this time round.
I don't even know how Captain Falcon got to the underworld, seems to me he's just driving around a cave/construction area and eventually he finds a big iron door that happens to lead to hell.

In F Zero the essence of both the regular world and the underworld are condensed and preserved within racing championship belts. Deathborn hopes to destroy the world by winning a car race and taping two belts together.

My favorite part about that is that he's in this game, which means he will fight tooth and nail to make his silly plan happen. This ain't no Bowser/Ganondorf hyping themselves up only to quickly go down in 3 hits. This guy came from the Dr Wily school of looking stupid and then bringing his A game to the actual fight.

Chapter 8 down. DEATHBORN, NO!!!

CAPTAIN FALCON WILL ALWAYS BE FOUND, HOT ON THE TRAIL, TRACKING ROGUES DOWN

GIVE IT UP FOR THE CAPTAIN

Chapter 9. Captain Falcon vs his haunted belt.
This has the most underappreciated Captain Falcon scene.
The Creator, or God, the actual creator of the F Zero universe shows up and declares Captain Falcon will take Deathborn's place. Captain Falcon's response?
"Come off it! You think you can beat me?! No way!"

It's the best.
Other characters in this game have made similar declarations and threats. Captain Falcon takes them seriously. A deity makes the same kind of threat? Captain Falcon can barely contain his laughter.

It is done.
The creator of the universe has been destroyed by being slower than Captain Falcon.
"That'll teach you to be a relatively slow staff ghost that uses my vehicle." Captain Falcon presumably thinks as he removes his helmet and walks off.

A race or two as the newly unlocked Deathborn. And then...

Some of the story mode races can fuck right off.

That game fucking rules. I'm terrible at it but I've spent a lot of time playing it

A real lyric from the ending song.
When myopic confusion threatens your lunch
Falcon will be unleashing a Falcon Punch

Super Smash Bros confirmed not to be a fighting game nor a party game, but confusing myopia in video game form.

Well, it's been a fun ride. A live fast, die because you did not collect 35 glowing orange things fast enough kind of ride, but a fun one.
This game still kicks ass. I had a slight controller delay which I could have done without but this thing is still the real deal. What a great series, I wonder what Nintendo's done with it since there must be what, 3 or 4 new instalments by this point?

Captain Falcon had the creators to contend with. I had a dead memory card to contend with.
At least I got to see what the character select screen looks like with only Rainbow Phoenix unlocked. Pretty funny and also incredibly satisfying.
(Crushes save data)
(Scatters it to the wind)
(Drives off in Blue Falcon as the 1st place fanfare plays)