Current Events > Damn you, Onion with your lengthy article headers that are too long for Gfaqs

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Evangelical Leaders Announce J.K. Rowling Finally Bigoted Enough That Its Okay For Kids To Read About Witchcraft

COLORADO SPRINGS, COFollowing a series of transphobic comments by the Harry Potter author, the nations top evangelical leaders announced Monday that J.K. Rowling had finally become bigoted enough to make it okay for kids to read about witchcraft. While I always appreciated Ms. Rowling making the greedy banker goblins a thinly veiled stand-in for the Jews, it is only with her assertions that trans women arent women that Ive finally come around to allowing children to read her books, said evangelist and Focus on the Family president Jim Daly, explaining that while he still did not approve of the satanic imagery embedded throughout the Harry Potter series, Rowlings consistent dehumanization of people who are different from her had prompted him to reconsider. I understand that her tacitly justifying slavery though the depictions of house elves was meant as an olive branch, but now, with her steadfast commitment to demonizing trans people, she has finally won us over. And look, Im not thrilled about the idea of my children potentially learning spells, but Im willing to overlook that considering one of the only Asian characters in the entire franchise is named Cho Chang. At press time, Harry Potter received a full-throated endorsement from evangelicals for introducing an entirely new set of bigoted slurs to explain half-magic and non-magic people.

So the onion doesnt do joke articles anymore?

i see the onion has switched from "satire" to "seethe" as its new form of content

The Onion always delivers