Current Events > Online dating is so weird in that it's both super toxic and super necessary

(+) Yeah! (+)

CRON posted...

I'm past that point. My job prospects are low and based on previous job experiences, me being my age is a detriment if I'm working in retail or food service.

/r/datingover30

MedeaLysistrata posted...

/r/datingover30

Meh, I had to do dating over 40

Glob posted...

-Avoid talking yourself down. If youre a broke loser, as many people on here claim, dont actually tell them that. Low self-esteem to the extent that you talk yourself down is repugnant to most people.

This doesn't do anything, at least from my experience. For all of my faults and mental illness, I'm surprisingly a great conversationalist and socially competent. That means absolutely nothing to 99.9% of people as I'm not wealthy and at this point in my life it's impossible to get my shit together.

CRON posted...

I'm past that point. My job prospects are low and based on previous job experiences, me being my age is a detriment if I'm working in retail or food service.

Women dont give a shit lol.

I live in San Diego, most people in their 30s work in the service industry. If a woman likes you she likes you.

CRON posted...

This doesn't do anything, at least from my experience. For all of my faults and mental illness, I'm surprisingly a great conversationalist and socially competent. That means absolutely nothing to 99.9% of people as I'm not wealthy and at this point in my life it's impossible to get my shit together.

Its not all about wealth and if you think it is youre missing something. Throughout all of my adult life, whenever I decide I want a girlfriend, I have one within a month or so. Its really only the most recent one where you could claim that I was well off (which I dont think she cared about).

Apparently I got lucky. I've been in a relationship for months after only barely trying with a woman that started the conversation with more than one word and I'm pretty average, also later she told me that my profile pic made me look slightly deranged lol

I4NRulez posted...

Women dont give a shit lol.

From my experience they do. I dont have any friends and dont like the idea of having a huge social circle, but not having any friends is a red flag which prevents me from having friends and relationships.

At the end of the day, at my age its impossible to find someone whos understanding. Its not like I have any sexual worth either, as Ive dealt with a lot of abuse and nobodys going to be willing or patient enough to deal with that.

CRON posted...

From my experience they do. I dont have any friends and dont like the idea of having a huge social circle, but not having any friends is a red flag which prevents me from having friends and relationships.

At the end of the day, at my age its impossible to find someone whos understanding. Its not like I have any sexual worth either, as Ive dealt with a lot of abuse and nobodys going to be willing or patient enough to deal with that.

People will care about not having any friends, yeah. Maybe work on that first.

Glob posted...

People will care about not having any friends, yeah. Maybe work on that first.

The idea never really made sense to me. Having friends seems like its a really stressful, time consuming thing. Plus Id have people thinking about me and talking about me/judging me behind my back.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Yeah, this.

Having friends is really not a negative in any way, shape or form. Also, a long term relationship should be, among other things, a friendship. Not having friends makes people think you are not capable of making them (which may or may not be fair) which in turn makes them think that youre not going to be a suitable partner.

Glob posted...

Yeah, this.

Having friends is really not a negative in any way, shape or form. Also, a long term relationship should be, among other things, a friendship. Not having friends makes people think you are not capable of making them (which may or may not be fair) which in turn makes them think that youre not going to be a suitable partner.

Agreed. I stated once that not having friends is a red flag for many women, and I got jumped on around here.

bsp77 posted...

Agreed. I stated once that not having friends is a red flag for many women, and I got jumped on around here.

It would be a red flag for me too. Why would you want to spend a lot of time with somebody that nobody else likes spending time with?

Meeting a girl at a bookstore > all

nurleschka posted...

Meeting a girl at a bookstore > all

imagine the smell

MedeaLysistrata posted...

imagine the smell

Oh...I'm imagining it.

CRON posted...

The idea never really made sense to me. Having friends seems like its a really stressful, time consuming thing. Plus Id have people thinking about me and talking about me/judging me behind my back.

you honestly need therapy. I dont mean that as an insult. I know some lone wolfs but thinking having friends means drama and backstabbing means you got some trust issues.

My friends dont do that at all.

I4NRulez posted...

but i mean, you can go to a bar and strike out all night too. Getting rejected hurts regardless.

It's different when at bar because not everyone there is available. But on a dating site everybody you have to swipe left or right on is available. So when you swipe through hundreds of girls it can severely hurt you and make you feel unwanted. This gets even more severe when you lower your standards or use dating websites for an extended period of time.

I used dating sites for almost 10 years and people tell me I'm a pretty decent looking guy but I tell you convincing a girl to come over to chill or go on a date was like winning the lottery. Getting matches in itself wasn't too difficult but there's not much point if only 10% of those respond another 10% to continue responding, and then another 10% beyond that actually agrees to go on a date and then you still can fail.

I feel bad for my older friend who's almost a 33-year-old virgin ( he had sex once), who is pretty bland and he told me when he tried to use tinder he got next to zero matches.

i've had way better results asking girls out IRL than I have online in the last year. but i've also gotten pretty tired of the online stuff and don't really put effort into it anymore

deoxxys posted...

almost a 33-year-old virgin ( he had sex once)

i think that means he's not a virgin anymore

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

<_<;

It's very obvious to me when a guy is trying to 'act normal' and I just don't like it.

What I'm saying is 9/10 I'm that guy that is not interested in the person trying to be completely inoffensive and milquetoast

deoxxys posted...

It's different when at bar because not everyone there is available. But on a dating site everybody you have to swipe left or right on is available. So when you swipe through hundreds of girls it can severely hurt you and make you feel unwanted. This gets even more severe when you lower your standards or use dating websites for an extended period of time.

I used dating sites for almost 10 years and people tell me I'm a pretty decent looking guy but I tell you convincing a girl to come over to chill or go on a date was like winning the lottery. Getting matches in itself wasn't too difficult but there's not much point if only 10% of those respond another 10% to continue responding, and then another 10% beyond that actually agrees to go on a date and then you still can fail.

Yeah this. Obviously it various from person to person because everyone's different and has different responses to things, but the effect of being completely ignored 90% of the time should not be underestimated.

I like online dating Wouldnt have really met many people without it Without it, my dating/hookup count would be much lower

Conflict posted...

Which is easily something that can be learned

While they can be learned, I wouldnt say its easy for everybody

CRON posted...

The idea never really made sense to me. Having friends seems like its a really stressful, time consuming thing. Plus Id have people thinking about me and talking about me/judging me behind my back.

Thats not the way to think about friends I think the problem is how you think of friendships, tbh That said, I personally dont care if someone has friends or not

deoxxys posted...

I tell you convincing a girl to come over to chill

If this was what you were pushing for, it does make it a lot harder. Sounds like sex only.

I always asked something like, "I am really enjoying chatting with you and would like to continue the conversation. Are you available to meet for happy hour after work next week? I am open Monday, Tuesday or Thursday?"

Specific enough to be assertive but generic enough to not allow an easy "no". This worked every single time, something like 25 times.

Also, I asked them after just a few messages. Just get a back and forth going and ask.

I4NRulez posted...

you honestly need therapy. I dont mean that as an insult. I know some lone wolfs but thinking having friends means drama and backstabbing means you got some trust issues.

My friends dont do that at all.

It's all I know. I've never really had a concept of a family and never had a concept of friendship. I just don't like the idea of having friends. You got people texting you and calling you, you gotta worry about going to places and doing things that you don't want to and can't afford to.

I see a friend maybe once every 2 months, talk maybe once a week to one. It isn't the hassle you think it is. Keeping up with gfucks drama will be more work

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Nobody, in any context (whether it's friendship or a relationship) is going to be patient and understanding; that's just how the world works. It's not like I'm some quirky, eccentric twentysomething anymore. I'm a mentally ill, paranoid, constantly-fearful failure who's about to turn 30 with nothing to show for it. On an objective level I have zero worth.

I have positive qualities but they don't mean anything at this point. I'm not even considering a relationship due to all the sexual trauma I have that nobody is willing to put up with. Putting the shoe on the other foot, there's nothing I can offer outside of being a gOoD pErSoN, but even then, I've been conditioned to be a doormat. Part of me wonders whether I want to see if I can find a friend and/or partner because that's what society expects of people, or if I would truly enjoy it and find it fulfilling in the long run.

CRON posted...

Nobody, in any context (whether it's friendship or a relationship) is going to be patient and understanding; that's just how the world works. It's not like I'm some quirky, eccentric twentysomething anymore. I'm a mentally ill, paranoid, constantly-fearful failure who's about to turn 30 with nothing to show for it. On an objective level I have zero worth.

I have positive qualities but they don't mean anything at this point. I'm not even considering a relationship due to all the sexual trauma I have that nobody is willing to put up with. Putting the shoe on the other foot, there's nothing I can offer outside of being a gOoD pErSoN, but even then, I've been conditioned to be a doormat. Part of me wonders whether I want to see if I can find a friend and/or partner because that's what society expects of people, or if I would truly enjoy it and find it fulfilling in the long run.

None of that is true. Not everything is based on your "worth". A friend can just be someone that you share common interests with.

Just think about gamefaqs. You come in here and talk about video games and current events, right? You can do the same thing with friends. I have a best friend that I've known for 20 years. We talk every now and then and usually it's about video games or anime.

And if we do hang out in person, we do something that we both find fun, like video games, a movie, bowling, etc. And when I wasn't working and didn't have money to go out and do those things, my friend would pay for me and say it's okay, I could just pay for them in the future, when I'm able. Your friends aren't going to judge you.

You say that you don't offer anything beyond being a good person? For many people, that's all they need. I've hung out with guys that I thought were assholes before. I didn't want to hang out with them again after the first time. It's the kind people that I kept around.

CRON posted...

It's all I know. I've never really had a concept of a family and never had a concept of friendship. I just don't like the idea of having friends. You got people texting you and calling you, you gotta worry about going to places and doing things that you don't want to and can't afford to.

But thats not a friendship. Friends most likely will call or text you, because they like to talk to you and stuff Though, I guess you could tell them not to Not sure why that would be a big deal, though And you dont have to go to places with then if youre not up to it. They wont make you do things you dont like. And if you cant afford something, friends will sometimes pay You seem to only think of the bad parts or friendship But Im even sure what you had before was a friendship if this is all you think about when having friends As other said, therapy might be helpful I think there is something else going on, tbh

CRON posted...

Nobody, in any context (whether it's friendship or a relationship) is going to be patient and understanding; that's just how the world works. It's not like I'm some quirky, eccentric twentysomething anymore. I'm a mentally ill, paranoid, constantly-fearful failure who's about to turn 30 with nothing to show for it. On an objective level I have zero worth.

I have positive qualities but they don't mean anything at this point. I'm not even considering a relationship due to all the sexual trauma I have that nobody is willing to put up with. Putting the shoe on the other foot, there's nothing I can offer outside of being a gOoD pErSoN, but even then, I've been conditioned to be a doormat. Part of me wonders whether I want to see if I can find a friend and/or partner because that's what society expects of people, or if I would truly enjoy it and find it fulfilling in the long run.

Why do you want to date then? All relationships take effort and work. Even more so when you have a significant other.

If you can't handle a basic relationship with friends why do you think you can handle a relationship with a SO? There's more compromise and work that goes into it. There are petty squabbles, sacrifices, boredom etc. Its not all rainbows and sex.

I4NRulez posted...

Why do you want to date then? All relationships take effort and work. Even more so when you have a significant other.

If you can't handle a basic relationship with friends why do you think you can handle a relationship with a SO? There's more compromise and work that goes into it. There are petty squabbles, sacrifices, boredom etc. Its not all rainbows and sex.

I've always felt a lack of acceptance, love, companionship and belonging. My ex was a terrible, evil, abusive person but she always told me "you have a lot of love to give", and as bad as she was, that always stuck with me. Also I'm getting old and I need to do what normal people do.

Only way any of us can help cron is to recommend therapy to help his self-confidence.

CRON posted...

Also I'm getting old and I need to do what normal people do.

You are not old. I changed my life at 40. C'mon

super_felicia posted...

I'm reading this topic and I'm like "I find it perfectly OK to not have a girlfriend ever" all I'm interested In are good friends to hang out with. Doesn't have to be romantic for me to feel loved I just like normal friends.

I think I'm aromantic...just stating my thoughts it's probably different for others

Aromantic or asexual is cool. All that matters is that people are happy.

CRON posted...

I'm a mentally ill, paranoid, constantly-fearful failure who's about to turn 30 with nothing to show for it. On an objective level I have zero worth.

I'm this as well (except I am 30 already)... and even I have friends... And they're not the burden you seem to think they are...