Current Events > Online dating is so weird in that it's both super toxic and super necessary

(+) Yeah! (+)

Necessary for certain people I guess anyway, like me. All my friends are coupled up, I don't have any coworkers in my job, it's either approach strangers in public or use the internet to meet people for me. Without it my dating and romantic experience would be basically zero due to my shyness. It's allowed me to actually have a decent chance at a happy relationship

But of course there's the counter point of fickle behaviour, emotionally turbulent situations, and getting saddled with confidence and trust issues I didn't even realise I had

I'm so torn on it

Theres lots of ways to meet people without using online dating.

I also struggle to believe that online dating is as bad as some people claim.

Toxic how?

I used hinge for a while. Met some cool people and met my gf who i've been dating for a few years.

I get how it could be toxic for women but i feel like as a man its pretty low risk

I4NRulez posted...

Toxic how?

I used hinge for a while. Met some cool people and met my gf who i've been dating for a few years.

I get how it could be toxic for women but i feel like as a man its pretty low risk

Getting next to no matches can fuck with a guys head.

rexcrk posted...

Getting next to no matches can fuck with a guys head.

but i mean, you can go to a bar and strike out all night too. Getting rejected hurts regardless.

If you're getting rejected via online dating, you'd probably get rejected in real life. Simple as that.

It's about presentation on a profile and in person.

Also, those who say they get rejected are also probably ignoring people who are trying to match with them just because they don't find them physically attractive or don't like their profiles themselves.

I4NRulez posted...

Toxic how?

I used hinge for a while. Met some cool people and met my gf who i've been dating for a few years.

I get how it could be toxic for women but i feel like as a man its pretty low risk

I think people treat others nicer when they know them a bit, but the whole thing encourages rapid connection and judgement. There's not a lot of empathy and patience out there

Online sourced first dates can feel like job interviews.

There's like 10 guys for every 1 women. Gotta be super tall, charismatic, buff and persistent to get anything as a dude. It's way easier to meet women IRL. Not to mention so many of the people on there barely look like their photos in person.. Angle frauding to look 30 lbs lighter and conceal a big belly or give the illusion of a better body. Filters warping their faces to look like models, photos from 10 years ago before they let themselves go.

haloiscoolisbak posted...

I think people treat others nicer when they know them a bit, but the whole thing encourages rapid connection and judgement. There's not a lot of empathy and patience out there

Online sourced first dates can feel like job interviews.

Then just dont do that then. If you feel like your questions feel like a job interview then you're forcing conversation.

Online dating is risk free so ask questions you'd ask your friends. It makes you stand out.

Dont be like "so whats your favorite color" "whats your favorite food".

If you want to know those things instead say like "Me and my friends just went to this restaurant. Have you ever tried random italian restaurant?" or whatever.

I met my girl by telling her that she had really nice teeth. I think my line was something like "Why the hell are your teeth so white lol" and she responded about how thats a new one and how most men ask about her feet. Then we joked about starting an onlyfans to sell our feet pics.

I4NRulez posted...

Then just dont do that then. If you feel like your questions feel like a job interview then you're forcing conversation.

Online dating is risk free so ask questions you'd ask your friends. It makes you stand out.

Dont be like "so whats your favorite color" "whats your favorite food".

If you want to know those things instead say like "Me and my friends just went to this restaurant. Have you ever tried random italian restaurant?" or whatever.

I met my girl by telling her that she had really nice teeth. I think my line was something like "Why the hell are your teeth so white lol" and she responded about how thats a new one and how most men ask about her feet. Then we joked about starting an onlyfans to sell our feet pics.

I've met a bunch of people and had a couple of relationships off bumble and hinge, I understand the basics and stuff like that. I still think there's a certain toxic aspect to the whole thing, but maybe I just met the wrong people

haloiscoolisbak posted...

I've met a bunch of people and had a couple of relationships off bumble and hinge, I understand the basics and stuff like that. I still think there's a certain toxic aspect to the whole thing, but maybe I just met the wrong people

I dont think the issues are with online dating, just with dating in general.

I had to take a break from them. They are soooo psychologically damaging to a guy like me.

I'll eventually go back and endure more torture because I don't have a choice, but for now I need to recover a bit more.

Heartomaton posted...

I had to take a break from them. They are soooo psychologically damaging to a guy like me.

I'll eventually go back and endure more torture because I don't have a choice, but for now I need to recover a bit more.

I see lots of people say stuff like that as if its an objective fact. Why dont you have a choice? It seems to me that everybody has a choice.

Glob posted...

I see lots of people say stuff like that as if its an objective fact. Why dont you have a choice? It seems to me that everybody has a choice.

To some people getting somewhere with strangers in person feels impossible

Yea you got be attractive. That is the number #1 thing with online dating. The other stuff comes in second. And even if you get matched the women arent going to carry the conversation. You got to do most of the talking. I remember seeing a TikTok and Youtube video where women tried being men on dating sites and rage quit at the lack of engagement women gave them.

haloiscoolisbak posted...

To some people getting somewhere with strangers in person feels impossible

But its not impossible. People do it all the time, Im not just talking about tall, handsome, rich guys. Plenty of regular guys dont have this problem. Its a mentality.

Glob posted...

I see lots of people say stuff like that as if its an objective fact. Why dont you have a choice? It seems to me that everybody has a choice.

Because agoraphobia makes meeting new people in person absolutely terrifying to the point where I quite literally can not do it.

Online, I can become familiar enough with someone beforehand to where that obstacle disappears.

Glob posted...

I dont think the issues are with online dating, just with dating in general.

Maybe yeah, I guess I wouldn't really know. I know that I felt so much less pressure connecting with girls when I used to work with them before I changed jobs and with female housemates I've lived with, but maybe that's just because I wasn't trying to date them

Glob posted...

I see lots of people say stuff like that as if its an objective fact. Why dont you have a choice? It seems to me that everybody has a choice.

Not everyone has the social skills to approach others in person without being awkward and creepy about it.

Hoodroar posted...

Not everyone has the social skills to approach others in person without being awkward and creepy about it.

Theyre skills. Theres a clue in the name. You can learn them.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


While I haven't had anything that bad, I have received some pretty brutal feedback online

I remember I was going through an issue with my housemate and opened up(only a few sentences) about it because the person asked me how my day was going, and they just replied "sounds like baggage" and instantly unmatched

That nastiness just wouldn't happen I suspect offline

haloiscoolisbak posted...

Maybe yeah, I guess I wouldn't really know. I know that I felt so much less pressure connecting with girls when I used to work with them before I changed jobs and with female housemates I've lived with, but maybe that's just because I wasn't trying to date them

I think this is important.

I see so many people online who moan about nobody ever being interested in them, but the fact is, many of them arent interested in girls. They just want to get laid.

Women are told by society that its shameful to just be another notch on somebodys bed post. They might overlook it for a particularly fine specimen but most of the time theyre going to be looking for people who see them as people rather than just objects for sexual gratification.

I'm in a weird situation. I'm not socially awkward and I'm pretty decent at conversations but I hate social settings and groups due to my extreme anxiety. I've had nothing but bad experiences with online dating. The nosedive my mental health has taken probably doomed me forever, so I can't imagine going on something like Hinge.

If I were to miraculously get my shit together it'd still be too late.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

This happened to me often even though I'm not necessarily unattractive.

Glob posted...

Theyre skills. Theres a clue in the name. You can learn them.

Conflict posted...

Which is easily something that can be learned

For some people. Others are on mental spectrums that complicate matters.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

The idea that there is a skill that will make everyone like you is so fucking laughable

haloiscoolisbak posted...

I've met a bunch of people and had a couple of relationships off bumble and hinge, I understand the basics and stuff like that. I still think there's a certain toxic aspect to the whole thing, but maybe I just met the wrong people

then yeah, if you feel its not for you despite success then take a step back

Online dating is so weird in that it's both super toxic and super necessary

its not its really not lol

people who dont use dating apps still manage to find each other fine cause apps aint the only way to do it, never was
u all way too dependent

NonDairyMiltank posted...

its not its really not lol

people who dont use dating apps still manage to find each other fine cause apps aint the only way to do it, never was
u all way too dependent

I'm about to turn 30 and it's pretty much my only option. I don't drink and don't go to bars.

MedeaLysistrata posted...

The idea that there is a skill that will make everyone like you is so fucking laughable

You dont need everybody to like you.

You think the men who have girlfriends have never been rejected?

CRON posted...

I'm about to turn 30 and it's pretty much my only option. I don't drink and don't go to bars.

So stop racing for the finish line.

Going to bars to pick up girls is something you do to get laid, not to get a relationship. Of course, there are exceptions.

If you want a relationship, build one that isnt centred around sex and see what happens.

Glob posted...

You dont need everybody to like you.

You think the men who have girlfriends have never been rejected?

I'm not sure what you're getting at. At that point why even learn this "skill" if you just need one person to like you?

Different people like different things. Putting yourself out there is not a skill.

MedeaLysistrata posted...

I'm not sure what you're getting at. At that point why even learn this "skill" if you just need one person to like you?

Different people like different things. Putting yourself out there is not a skill.

Im not talking about a skill, but several. Also, it was brought up as an excuse for why people cant be successful. Im just challenging that notion.

It worked for me so maybe try harder?

Glob posted...

Im not talking about a skill, but several. Also, it was brought up as an excuse for why people cant be successful. Im just challenging that notion.

Can you outline these skills?

Some people have to change, so they can't be successful as they are. That's common knowledge. There are still people who would date such a person but finding them is a real challenge.

Heartomaton posted...

I had to take a break from them. They are soooo psychologically damaging to a guy like me.

I'll eventually go back and endure more torture because I don't have a choice, but for now I need to recover a bit more.

I'm just jumping back in after a year long break. I figure I can't "work on myself" forever lol.

But yeah just being reminded how tough it can be out there

Glob posted...

So stop racing for the finish line.

Going to bars to pick up girls is something you do to get laid, not to get a relationship. Of course, there are exceptions.

If you want a relationship, build one that isnt centred around sex and see what happens.

I wouldn't know where to meet anyone, plus I'm a broke loser, so all of my good qualities are irrelevant.

Glob posted...

Theres lots of ways to meet people without using online dating.

I also struggle to believe that online dating is as bad as some people claim.

It's pretty bad for men. Online dating services has also gated people from getting a certain amount of matches and your profile noticed, unless you pay premium. This really primarily affects men though.

Just stick with it, stay positive, and don't take rejection personally.

Make sure your profile is great. Have others, including women, look it over. The right pictures can elevate almost anyone from average to above average, or below average to average. Average guys can get matches if they also set their standards accordingly.

Also, use real life options too. It doesn't have to be the bar scene, as doing curated social activities can help, such as using Meetup. It's not a dating app, and should not be directly used that way, but it can help expand your social circle with other singles.

Arcanine2009 posted...

It's pretty bad for men. Online dating services has also gated people from getting a certain amount of matches and your profile noticed, unless you pay premium. This really primarily affects men though.

Except you got matches, you got dates...

Arcanine2009 posted...

It's pretty bad for men. Online dating services has also gated people from getting a certain amount of matches and your profile noticed, unless you pay premium. This really primarily affects men though.

But I am a man

CRON posted...

I wouldn't know where to meet anyone, plus I'm a broke loser, so all of my good qualities are irrelevant.

Hmm

I used to work in a restaurant, lots of women around my age and status and etc (well, foh and boh but yeah). Maybe I could have dated someone from there or one of their friends. I just never tried.

MedeaLysistrata posted...

Hmm

I used to work in a restaurant, lots of women around my age and status and etc (well, foh and boh but yeah). Maybe I could have dated someone from there or one of their friends. I just never tried.

I'm past that point. My job prospects are low and based on previous job experiences, me being my age is a detriment if I'm working in retail or food service.

Its toxic because youre skipping the slow burn of getting to know someone, and skip right to the part where there are expectations.

It can also become addicting for people who always need to level up, and always worry about what else they could have.

Then there are people who just lie on their profiles, etc.

It isnt all bad but wow it is a dumpster fire at times.

MedeaLysistrata posted...

Can you outline these skills?

Some people have to change, so they can't be successful as they are. That's common knowledge. There are still people who would date such a person but finding them is a real challenge.

Okay, sure. This is not an exhaustive list and Im not trying to claim to be an expert, but based on some of the posts I see on this board Id say some people need to work on these skills:

-Understanding when something comes off as creepy
-Understanding what to keep to yourself in the early stages. Maybe you like playing games, and thats fine, but dont use it as your opener.
-Making yourself interesting. This is about having a broader range of experiences, which is absolutely something people can choose. If all people can talk about is sitting around watching anime all day then most people would tire of that quickly. If you want to be an interesting person, do interesting things.
-Know when to drop a subject. No matter how interesting you might feel one of your hobbies, or jokes or anecdotes is, they might not feel the same. Knowing when to back off and change direction is important. Some people are happy to listen to me talk for ages about my days as an athlete. Others check out immediately. Read the room.
-Reading people. If shes not into you, dont force it. Theres plenty more women out there.
-Avoid talking yourself down. If youre a broke loser, as many people on here claim, dont actually tell them that. Low self-esteem to the extent that you talk yourself down is repugnant to most people.
-Listen and show empathy. Its not all about you.