Current Events > Currently feeling a little resentful about the expectations people have of men

(+) Yeah! (+)

*The expectations some people have on men sometimes, since nuance isn't topic title friendly.

Maybe some guys can relate. This is not a "women have it so easy" topic.

Finding myself in this situation where I've become a "shoulder to cry" on for several people all at once, and a punching bag for some in other cases. When people do this they sort of just expect you to understand that their fears and reactions might be heavy and irrational but you're the rock in the situation so that's ok, you'll figure it out. Not much thought or care given to you being affected by this.

When it happens in reverse, ever feel like the person listening to you wants to co-opt your feelings for them? Like now it's your responsibility to make sure you don't make them anxious with whatever you're saying.

People want me to open up to them, but why can't I shake the feeling that how they want me to open up is in a very specific way? Like my girlfriend wants me to share more of my feelings, maybe cry in a manly way at something cute or adorable, tell her about the time I shed a tear at something moving. What nobody wants is to see you show real fear, real anxiety, real "rocking back and forth in the corner in a fetal position because you're scared" feelings. Like she doesn't want to hear about how you felt ineffective and insecure in your position at work, that kind of thing.

Ever feel like your version of opening up to people is just another mask where you just show another fake version of yourself for someone else's benefit?

It feels like society has made a lot of ground on the discussion of how men should be more open with their feelings and talk to people, while at the same time not making any ground on how people actually feel about or react to that.

I told my girlfriend all of this and her counter argument was that she really moved at the time her dad broke down in tears when he saw his grandson for the first time. All I could think was...yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Another example of "man allowing himself to be emotional (but in a heroic way)" is being portrayed.

The resentful part I have is when people talk about toxic masculinity in the contexts of how men don't talk about their feelings and this inevitably hurts them and others, they rarely address the elephant in the room: men are scared to talk about their feelings because at some point in their life they did exactly that and a woman (yes, almost always a woman) visibly and instantly lost respect for them.

You guys have a time like that right? The time you cried or showed real fear or insecurity, maybe you were jealous or not confident about something - and your mother, wife, girlfriend, female friend - the admiration just died in her eyes in real time.

Not sure what the point of this blogfaqs topic was, just wanted to write some shit down.

I only cry during WW2 documentaries.

I was once ridiculed by an ex partner for getting upset when they made a particularly shitty, hurtful joke about a family member who recently passed. I stress the ex partner part. They literally told me to man up.

I dont really subscribe to masculinity much these days, but Ive stopped being afraid to be emotional, or to express my emotions. Lifes too short to keep things bottled up, and if someone thinks less of be me for expressing my emotions, theyre not someone I want in my life.

I was starting to open up emotionally around the time I was 17 or 18 and got into my first serious relationship, but she used to make fun of me for it and eventually I just learned to suppress all of it, and I became very good at it to the point where I wasn't even showing strong emotions when I was alone. Then work in factories, an auto shop, etc required you to be hard and quick witted to get respect so it really just became a part of me

I'm getting better as years go by, and transitioning gives me free reign to not have to act macho and stoic anymore, but I feel like I've got some mental scarring that will always slightly dull how I'm feeling

tl;dr u rite

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


I'm assuming that. In reality, I think she would be great.

Past experiences are colouring my feelings here. I vividly remember (like I was still there) the times I opened up to two ex girlfriends (separately) and our relationship dynamic almost immediately changed. Suddenly I wasn't a protector or a rock but a little bitch of a man who had annoying and not useful feelings - that was the shift. It was hurtful, and now I just have my guard up.

Topic reminds me of this youtube video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGxW2toAvzc

Great analysis of men crying in TV/movie scenes and how there are only few rare circumstances where it's considered socially acceptable without ridicule.

I'm a bitter individual so the way I respond to this is by not being emotionally helpful to others at all. >_>