Current Events > Need some unbiased opinion on this juicy drama I'm on the sidelines for.

(+) Yeah! (+)

So I'm going to try and make this as short as possible, since I want an outsider's perspective on a huge meltdown between my friends/family.

A friend of mine (and her boyfriend) were renting my parents' basement for about a decade, and as a result became incredibly close with me/my wife, my parents, and my sister & bro-in-law. They effectively became part of the family.
Full disclosure here, my sister and her husband are anti-vaxxers and have a lot of bad medical opinions. The family-friend disapproved of that for years, but looked past it and tolerated it because they were still good friends.

Fast-forward to the post-pandemic era... In 2020, when everyone was working from home, these friends were working from home at my parents house. At the same time, my sister would bring her kids over a few times a week to use my parents' pool and to play with friends there. One seems to be a little behind, in social development, and the friends (one is a licensed psychologist, seemed to believe this as well) and as a result, the kids together are very loud and rowdy. The friend frequently complained to me about how loud the kids are, and was shocked at how my sister would bring them over severalt times a week like clockwork, during the summer, saying that it was distracting while she worked at home. But she never confronted my sister or said anything to her about it.
By the end of that Summer, this friend and her boyfriend bought a house and moved out. Sadly, in that same time period, her mother passed away from COVID. Similarly to the kids thing, she complained to me about my sister being anti-vaxx and how that's insensitive especially in a pandemic, but once again never confronted my sister/brother in law.

So NOW, finally present day, in the last 2 years, the friend 100% completely ghosted my sister/bro-in-law, even though they were some of each other's closest friends, but continued to be friendly towards me and my mother (whom she cites as a second mother to her, after her own passed away). When we asked why, she says it's because they're bad people, and that they abuse my mother by using the pool all the time and having my mother babysit the kids all the time. She doesn't cite the anti-vaxx opinion. And furthermore, again, they never had an argument or a confrontation over any of this. Just at some point in 2021, they decided to ghost.

But the ghosting has gotten progressively worse, to the point this friend and her boyfriend won't show up to anything that they're aware my sister will be present at. She won't even humor it to see everyone else. And now this makes it incredibly awkward for me and my mother, because we'll invite her to parties, and she'll initially say yes, but then days out if she finds out my sister attends, she'll change her mind. She talks shit about my sister and brother in law to both me and my mother, in spite of the fact it's her daughter lol.
And worst of all, IMO is we very very recently discovered that for all our other friends, this drama-friend never told any of them that she ghosted my brother in law/sister. Rather, she started telling people things like "I think they've gotten very inwardly selfish over the past few years... They don't like to show up to anything anymore... They don't reach out to anymore... It's so weird." So as a result, the rest of my friends kind of bought into that narrative, and don't really invite my sister and her husband to anything anymore, and as a result, they feel like every one of our friend group hates them, when really it's just the one.

BASICALLY, this is a long-winded way of me asking, where do you think I should go from here? I never had any issue with this friend, and she & her boyfriend still talk to me buddy-buddy like there's no drama going on. But it's super awkward! And after finding out she effectively poisoned our other friends against my sister, it was a huge turn-off. Should I still stay out of it and keep associating with this person? Or should I ghost her back?

tl;dr version in Post #2

tl;dr version:

Family friend who was extremely close with me, my mom, and my sister/bro-in-law randomly ghosted my sis/broinlaw like 2 years ago without ever having a fight or confrontation. I don't know the reason, it might be cuz my sister is anti-vaxx, but she also accused my sister of taking advantage of my mother by having her babysit their kids. This friend talks shit about my sister to our own mother, when she's not there, but will not show up to parties/things they know my sister will be at.
And just a month or two ago, I discovered that this friend told the rest of my friends that it was the other way around, that my sister/bro-in-law are the ones who don't reach out to her, don't show up to hangouts anymore, so now my friends all have a bad opinion of them as well.
But this friend still is super chummy with me and my mother, and me and mother are just sitting on the side like "Lol, what?"

I'd stay out of it and continue being friends with your friend and her boyfriend. But I may be biased because I have the same dislike for anti vaxxers.

Seems pretty reasonable to cut out anti-vaxxers after losing someone close to covid tbh. I did the same thing. Though she may not have cited that as the reason it probably most likely is.

Your friend is being out of pocket. Especially that line of your sister taking advantage of you and your mom, if that's not the case. You should set them straight. Their failure to communicate to your sister and brother-in-law is the first issue. Without resolving those issues, your friend resorted to being passive aggressive and pretty rude talking about them behind their backs. A lot of this could be resolve by just communication.

Whatever issues you have with my sister are between you and her, and I would appreciate it if you keep those issues between you and her. You also need to understand that she is my sister and both myself and my mother have no issues with her and will continue inviting her and her family to events and gatherings. I understand and respect your decision to not attend those events, but please keep your issues with her separate from your relationship with myself and my mother. Thank you.

Hard to have any sympathy for an antivaxxer tbh.

Funkydog posted...

Hard to have any sympathy for an antivaxxer tbh.

This.

Guys its not about the antivax. It's about the weird situation it puts him and his mom in.

We don't even know his family's view on them being anti-vax.

CommonStar posted...

Your friend is being out of pocket. Especially that line of your sister taking advantage of you and your mom, if that's not the case.

Yeah this part stood out to me too. This woman is using you and your mom against your sister, and then turning around and acting like she is your friend. I don't want to tell you to cut her off if this is a friendship you value, but you definitely should tell her cut the bullshit and make it clear that you see everything she is doing and it is negatively affecting your family.

CommonStar posted...

Guys its not about the antivax. It's about the weird situation it puts him and his mom in.

We don't even know his family's view on them being anti-vax.

TC asked if he should continue being friends with her, or ghost her in retaliation. We're taking the friend's side, so we're still answering that question.

bigblu89 posted...

Whatever issues you have with my sister are between you and her, and I would appreciate it if you keep those issues between you and her. You also need to understand that she is my sister and both myself and my mother have no issues with her and will continue inviting her and her family to events and gatherings. I understand and respect your decision to not attend those events, but please keep your issues with her separate from your relationship with myself and my mother. Thank you.

This is more or less what I've said to her in the past. Like basically, I can't disown my sister, and that I don't like feeling like I have to choose between the two. Her response is usually "I totally understand and respect that! I appreciate your making us feel included even if we can't be around them."

And then next time I do see them, they'll be taking shit about my sister again lol.

The friend just might like your sister. Which is fine, sometimes people just dont jive with you or rub you the wrong way. But its shitty and immature to wield that as a weapon, especially between family.

Smashingpmkns posted...

Seems pretty reasonable to cut out anti-vaxxers after losing someone close to covid tbh. I did the same thing. Though she may not have cited that as the reason it probably most likely is.

She's repeatedly told me verbatim that the anti-vaxx shit has nothing to do with it. Hell, if she said that was the reason, I would 100% understand. But again, they never had any arguments or conversations regarding vaccine stuff, they never had a big fight ever. That's what makes it so weird...

Also this same friend also remained friends with a guy who has Jim Crowe and blackface memorabilia in his man cave. So it especially doesn't seem like they're taking moral high ground here lol.

LostForest posted...

She's repeatedly told me verbatim that the anti-vaxx shit has nothing to do with it. Hell, if she said that was the reason, I would 100% understand. But again, they never had any arguments or conversations regarding vaccine stuff, they never had a big fight ever. That's what makes it so weird...

Also this same friend also remained friends with a guy who has Jim Crowe and blackface memorabilia in his man cave. So it especially doesn't seem like they're taking moral high ground here lol.

It sounds like she doesn't like direct conflict. Instead of confronting your sister about the problems she has, she just avoids her and vents to you guys about it.

That would start to get annoying though, if you've told her to cool it with the angry rants, but she keeps doing it anyway. Would you be comfortable with cutting her off the next time she does it? Like when you notice she's starting the conversation into a rant about your sister, interrupt her. Make her aware that she's doing it and aware that you're going to stop her from continuing.

your sister sounds like a low IQ subhuman