Current Events > i'm gonna be alone and have a fucked up back forever

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i feel like shit right now. today i had my first physical therapy appointment following the recovery from my hernia repair surgery. i have scoliosis and chronic lower back pain, and i was in really bad shape for years, after i quit my job in retail in 2015 cuz my back couldn't handle it anymore and so i was unemployed and without insurance. it just got worse and worse and at the time i knew of no way of addressing it medically. then in late 2019 i met with a social worker and she helped me get on free Obamacare, and i started seeing a physical therapist and a pain management specialist in 2020. the pain management specialist didn't really do anything helpful for me, but the PT was life changing. i've posted about this whole saga before, on my main, DuranOfForcena (it's purged right now), so if this sounds familiar, that's why.

anyway, i had three rounds of 18 sessions there and i was doing an at-home physical therapy regimen they built for me that i continued even after my in-office sessions were completed, and it was going great for awhile, i was really satisfied with the care i had received there, because i've had disappointing and unhelpful experiences with PT before, and going to this place was like night and day compared to that. and then it came to a screeching halt in July because of the hernia. i was advised by my primary care physician and the general surgeon against doing any kind of strenuous physical activity, especially core-engaging activity, for both the duration of when i had the hernia AND during the recovery period after the surgery, so it's been almost six months since i've been able to do my PT routine, and the condition of my back pain has just been getting worse and worse again in that time. so i was really excited to start it back up again and go back to the place that changed my life so much for the better.

except when i get the call to make the appointment, the receptionist informs me that neither the Physical Therapist nor the PT Assistant who directed my care were working there anymore. i posted about this like a week ago when it happened, and how i was frustrated and expecting to be disappointed in having to start all over again with someone new, instead of being able to build off of what we had been doing before.

and today, disappointment is what i got. i gave the new physical therapist the whole spiel in a lot of detail, i wanted to make sure every compounding factor was relayed and that my history could be well understood, including how badly the pain flares up when i'm laying down, yet basically all of the new stretches this PT had me try at the office and prescribed for me to do at home are done while laying down. i was in obvious discomfort and pain when doing them, but she basically said to just push through it. even worse, she said she "disagrees with the logic" that my pelvic tilt is caused by my scoliosis, which is just ridiculous. pelvic tilt caused by scoliosis is a well-documented thing, and spinal surgeons and specialists who had decades of experience are the ones who told me about it, when i was a child and being seen for my scoliosis at the Shriner's Hospital for Children in Sacramento. she didn't even say what else she thinks might be causing it, just that it was probably something else. i didn't raise any questions about it, i kinda just let her have her say, but at my next appointment i am definitely going to ask her why she thinks it's not caused by my scoliosis and what else she is asserting it is.

what was also kind of a red flag is that the print-out she gave me for the stretches she wants me to do at home doesn't even have the name of the PT office we were at on it, it has the name of an entirely different practice in a different city with the names of a bunch of other physicians on it. i have no idea what was up with that.

it's been so long since i've been able to have a normal social life or any dating prospects whatsoever. i was even so desperate and deluded enough when i was going there last time to think that one of the aides there who was exceedingly nice and attentive and caring to me actually might be open to seeing me as more than just a patient, and, well, long story short, that just resulted in heartbreak. we did talk things out after my ill-advised attempt at asking her out, and we got along pretty normally again after that, but i'd be lying if i said i didn't still have feelings for her at that point. i just tried to ignore them.

she doesn't work there anymore either, but i was expecting that, because she had been doing a nursing school program when i was going there before, and i figured she would have graduated from that and moved on to nursing already. but i wasn't expecting the PT and PTA to not be working there anymore. i was also excited to tell them all about the small business venture selling my mini-cheesecakes at the local farmer's market that i'm planning on moving forward with as soon as i feel confident in my physical condition again, because it was their care and rehabilitation that made considering such a venture possible, but it doesn't seem likely that i will be able to let them know about it.

i asked one of the other employees who still works there and who recognized me from before if i could inquire at all about what happened to them and if they're still in the area and practicing somewhere else, but like i expected about a business in regards to their ex-employees, the guy didn't really tell me much. just that they are doing private practice or whatever now and not accepting outpatients, and if and when anyone happens to be in contact with them, they'll let them know, but that they're not really in contact with them anymore since they left.

i know that one of the Physical Therapists, the only one from before who still works there, is friends with the aide i had feelings for, but i didn't get to talk to her at all because she was busy with patients. i want to maybe ask her next time if she could extend my gratitude to the aide, because actually the thing about selling my mini-cheesecakes at the farmer's market was her idea that she suggested to me, when we were talking about the cheesecakes i had brought in for them one time. she really liked them. but i'm pretty sure this PT thinks i'm a creep, and probably rightfully so.

when the aide was away at a convention or something for her nursing school program at the tale end of my last round of sessions, i was pretty bummed that i probably wasn't going to see her again, and so i asked the PT if i could write a letter and leave it for her to give to the aide when she gets back. i don't think she gave it to her. she probably just pitched it in the trash, and tbh it was probably for the best if she did. i am so pathetic. i don't know what's wrong with me. i just want to know what it's like to have feelings for someone and for that person to have the same feelings back. i don't like the feeling of knowing that i'm coming off like a creep just because i'm sad and desperate and lonely and just trying to make a connection with someone. i'm not a bad guy.

anyway, /blogfaqs.

you can do this man, dont forget.

you're already almost there. you've made great changes to your diet and have lost weight. it's not like you haven't worked hard to change yourself.

are the injuries due to your previous weight? not sure if you're still considered overweight or not. is it possible to change your physical therapist? she seems kinda shitty, and its frustrating as hell that you lost your previous one. also, what kind of cheesecakes are we talking? fucking love cheesecake so that sounds awesome.

oh, and as far as the girl goes. i get where you're coming from. just make sure to work on improving your life as well. don't put all your eggs in one basket. start that cheesecake company, get better whether the girl is on board or not.

There's a big difference between therapy being uncomfortable and therapy being painful. If the new therapist isn't listening to you when you say it's painful, they aren't the one for you. Find a new one or start doing the PT at home that was helping previously.

As for trying to find a connection, you didn't do anything wrong. Striking out is not a big deal, but I hear you when it seems like things can be hopeless. It's tough to shake. I read your previous topic about being apprehensive about going to the new therapist, so when things turn out how you feared they might, it surely helps dampen spirits.

You're doing what you can to better yourself, tho, and that's a plus.

I might read all that and empathize if you didn't shitpost so much.

Good luck with whatever that is I guess.

tl:dr

PepsiWithCoke posted...

tl:dr

literally the topic title

anyway TC I'm not reading all that right now but I hope things improve, somehow at least...

pojr posted...

you can do this man, dont forget.

you're already almost there. you've made great changes to your diet and have lost weight. it's not like you haven't worked hard to change yourself.

are the injuries due to your previous weight? not sure if you're still considered overweight or not. is it possible to change your physical therapist? she seems kinda shitty, and its frustrating as hell that you lost your previous one. also, what kind of cheesecakes are we talking? fucking love cheesecake so that sounds awesome.

oh, and as far as the girl goes. i get where you're coming from. just make sure to work on improving your life as well. don't put all your eggs in one basket. start that cheesecake company, get better whether the girl is on board or not.

thank you for reading my wall of text and responding with such a genuine response. you're a really awesome dude. if i did the whole friends' list thing here, i would send you a follow, but i dunno, i've never really gone in for that sort of thing.

it doesn't feel like i'm almost there. it feels like no matter what i do, it's one step forward, two steps back. my back pain was getting under control, now it's worse again. my new weightlifting routine was making me feel good and be confident in how i am able to present myself, then it gave me a hernia. my diet and weight loss was going great for awhile, but then no matter what i did i couldn't get any lower than 190, and now i'm back up to 210. and my family is struggling financially so much right now that we've been having to go to multiple food banks, and they don't always give the healthiest stuff, and with having to rely on them to get by, my meal planning and prepping has been spotty at best. i have worked hard, but it seems like it's never enough, and sometimes i question what it has all been for.

my physical difficulties aren't really "injuries" per se, cuz there was no single instance of trauma or anything that caused them. i have hereditary idiopathic scoliosis, which means my spine is curved, and that i was born with it, and there was no known cause besides genetics, my grandfather had it, and it gets worse as you go through regular skeletal growth. i have two curvatures, a lumbar one that is more pronounced and a thoracic one which is less pronounced. i had to wear a Boston Brace around my entire torso for 22 hours every day from when i was diagnosed in 5th grade up until i was 18, to try and limit how much the curves could progress. they told me back then that scoliosis isn't necessarily going to cause back pain later in life, and that once my skeletal growth was complete, the curvatures shouldn't get any worse, but both of those turned out to be false, because an MRI i had done a couple years back showed that the curvatures had indeed progressed by about 10 degrees each since what they were when i was 18 (enough to rob me of about an inch and a half of height btw, fml), and because i definitely have the most pain in the areas where my skeleton and musculature are most affected by the scoliosis.

that being said, the excess weight is definitely a compounding factor, as was the deconditioning i inflicted on myself after i quit my job and let myself be so sedentary. i shot all the way up to about 290 then. before i got back on Obamacare, i knew the weight was just making everything worse, and i knew that was one of the only things under my control that i could work toward changing, so my weight loss journey began then. i was already down to about 250 when i started physical therapy.

i am thinking about going back to my primary care physician and asking for a referral to a different physical therapist. i don't like how things are starting with this new person. i am willing to give it at least a few visits though to see how things progress, and to question her about why she thinks my pelvic tilt doesn't have anything to do with my scoliosis, despite that being a well-known effect of having scoliosis.

thank you for asking me about my cheesecakes! my recipe is adapted from a recipe that was passed down to me by my grandfather, who unfortunately died from COVID back in August. the way i do it is a little different, and i do a bunch of different flavors with it that he never did, but i still consider it his recipe. it is Italian style instead of the more common New York style, so it uses ricotta cheese instead of cream cheese, but people do generally prefer the creaminess and richness of New York style, so i also incorporate an Italian cream cheese in the recipe to make it more familiar to the typical American palate. awhile back i was gifted a set of 4" mini springform pans, and recently i have realized that those are the perfect size to sell at a trendy farmer's market in the upscale downtown area of a wealthy college town, because college girls tend to go wild over miniaturized anything in trendy flavors like pumpkin spice and brownie bottom and Oreo, etc. so there is definitely a market there ready to exploit lol. i just have to get back to the point where i am confident that i will be physically able to make dozens or even hundreds of mini-cheesecakes every week.

i even have what i believe should be enough funding to get it started, since i never did anything with the money i had elected to be taken out of all my paychecks i earned at Walmart and put into a 401k. and i never even looked to see exactly how much was in there until earlier this year, and even with the taxes and fees and penalties i would have to pay to withdraw it early, i think it will be enough to get started. at least, it was back when i was pricing things at the beginning of this year. though the price of the 150 count eggs at Smart and Final for instance has gone up from 20 bucks to 60 bucks since then, so i'm definitely gonna have to do some recalculating when it comes time.

the funny thing is, as shitty as i am feeling in general today, as i was typing up the paragraphs about the cheesecakes just now, i realized that in my mind i was feeling optimistic about it. i guess i just need to focus on that feeling, and focus on the things that give me that feeling. thinking about as far as the girl situation goes though definitely does not give me that feeling. i know i shouldn't, but i still really wish i could have gotten to know her better outside of the PT place, and it pains me to know i never will. i know i shouldn't still be hung up on her, i know that's ridiculous and pathetic, and is a severe case of oneitis in the worst way, but i can't help how i feel. sometimes i imagine what my life would be like if she were in it. the experiences we would share together. i haven't really met anyone or even been in a position to try and meet anyone in the time since i last saw her, so it's hard to shake those feelings. i know if i can get this cheesecake thing off the ground that that might be a potential avenue to put myself out there and meet new people, but it still seems so far off. it doesn't do a whole lot to help my loneliness right now. and i can't help but think that whoever i may meet, they won't be her. i know i have to stop thinking like that, but it's hard.

anyway, sorry for the second wall of text lol, and i am grateful for your words of encouragement and support.

I will read tomorrow

Aridi posted...

There's a big difference between therapy being uncomfortable and therapy being painful. If the new therapist isn't listening to you when you say it's painful, they aren't the one for you. Find a new one or start doing the PT at home that was helping previously.

As for trying to find a connection, you didn't do anything wrong. Striking out is not a big deal, but I hear you when it seems like things can be hopeless. It's tough to shake. I read your previous topic about being apprehensive about going to the new therapist, so when things turn out how you feared they might, it surely helps dampen spirits.

You're doing what you can to better yourself, tho, and that's a plus.

yeah, i get that there is a difference between PT being uncomfortable and being painful. the stretches she had me do were mostly just uncomfortable, and i could feel a good stretch from some of them, but the painful part was having to lay down to do them. they felt like they were for the most part stretching areas that other stretches i got before were also stretching but that didn't require me to be laying down, only seated. i brought the printouts of those stretches and exercises that i was given, and she looked over them, and i did make it clear to her that laying down makes the pain flare up the most. but she still wanted me to lay down for these new stretches. i will try to do them at home up until my next appointment and see if they get any easier, but if they don't, i am definitely going to say something about how it is difficult for me to do stretches laying down and that some of the stretches i was given before that only had me sitting down seemed to stretch the same areas and were a lot easier for me to do. the team i was seeing before was really good with letting me gauge my body's feedback and substituting different stretches and exercises in place of ones that i felt were too painful for me to do. we'll see if this new person is the same in that regard.

and as far as striking out goes, thank you for trying to tell me i didn't do anything wrong, but you must have missed the topics i posted about that whole saga when it went down, lol. i did plenty wrong. i thought at first that the attention she was giving me was just because she was nice in general and she was acting in the way that was expected of her in her role as a caregiver, and i really should have stuck with that assessment, but i deluded myself into thinking it could be something more. at times it really did feel like it could be something more. but it wasn't. and when i finally decided to shoot my shot, i made way too grand of a gesture of it. the week before Thanksgiving, i was telling her about my pumpkin mini-cheesecakes that i like to make during the holidays, and she said they sounded good, so i said i was thinking about bringing some in to show my thanks for everything they had all done for me but i wasn't sure if that kind of thing was kosher, given that COVID was in full swing at the time and it was before the vaccines and everything, but she said it would be more than okay, that they have patients bringing in sweets and stuff all the time, and that she would look forward to tasting my pumpkin cheesecake.

so, sounds good, right? then i get the ridiculous and cringey idea to make one especially for her using one of this set of novelty heart-shaped mini springform pans that i got a long time ago, and to try and ask her out when i gave it to her at my appointment during their busiest week of the year. luckily i didn't get the chance to embarrass myself right in front of her because things were so hectic there was literally no time to, but i did leave a note for her with a short message and my number on it, and never heard from her, until my next round of sessions a couple months later where she basically had to sit me down and explain to me that she doesn't try to make herself seem available to patients and that there is a line there, etc. etc.

it was utterly humiliating for both me and her and i hated myself for making her have to set me straight. to make matters even worse, apparently she had been going through some difficult times in her personal life at the time that i was not privy to. i feel like i fucked up so much. we pretty much made nice at the end of it, but i could barely even bring myself to talk to her at all for awhile after that. but then she left on a temporary leave of absence, and when she came back a few months later during my third round of sessions, we got to talking again and it was nice for awhile. i thought i was over her then. things were going well right up until she left for the convention or whatever for her nursing school program that i mentioned above, and i was just so bummed out that i would probably never see her again. i should have never written her that letter. it was so long and rambling and desperate. there was just so much i wish i could have told her and asked her, and there was never enough time during the sessions where i had her as my instructor. i don't know what is wrong with me. i had no right to try and impose something like that on her.

Melzargard posted...

I might read all that and empathize if you didn't shitpost so much.

Good luck with whatever that is I guess.

lol you're a conservatroll masquerading as an enlightened centrist type, so i don't really care whether you think i shitpost too much, and something tells me i don't really want you empathizing with me anyway

PepsiWithCoke posted...

tl:dr

yeah i know

You could reach out to your physical therapist if you know their name and can find an email address. I've done it before. If you're lucky they'd still be able to see you if they're close, but if not you can tell them what you wanted to say.

In the meantime, find another PT. I know you're feeling down about all this, but you can (and will!) take the same steps as before, it'll just be a bit more effort at the start.

berlyman101 posted...

You could reach out to your physical therapist if you know their name and can find an email address. I've done it before. If you're lucky they'd still be able to see you if they're close, but if not you can tell them what you wanted to say.

In the meantime, find another PT. I know you're feeling down about all this, but you can (and will!) take the same steps as before, it'll just be a bit more effort at the start.

don't know their emails, but i've been able to find their LinkedIn pages, though i don't have an account there and i don't know how to go about contacting someone through it. i thought you had to be a business or employee of a business or something to contact other people on there. and also, neither of their pages have been updated to show that they are no longer working at the PT place, so i don't know if they are actively maintaining it or checking it or anything.

Tc I had chronic lower back, neck and shoulder pain for years. I did a bunch of PT, changed my workout routine, stopped working out alltogether, etc. The one thing that really helped me was yoga. Not even going to a class or anything, literally yoga sessions on youtube. I would recommend yoga with adriene (youtube channel). She is a very good teacher and communicates the poses very well. She has hundreds of yoga videos for all levels. There are plenty of yoga sessions for beginners, then if you feel comfortable after that try one of her 30 days of yoga playlists. Starts of very basic and slowly builds each day, with good instruction along the way. I'vs been pain free for years now, and got back to my old weightlifting regiment. But i still implement yoga multiple times a week.

It worked for me, and it may or may not be beneficial for you. But if you havent tried yoga before i would highly encourage you to give it a shot. If you do try it, don't stress over doing every pose, just do what you can and maybe later on you will be able to do more.

That's more about making professional connections so I dunno about reaching out to treatment providers on there.

I know it sucks but hopefully there's another practice near you that can help provide some relief and get you out of this doom mindset.

Fin_Dawg_004 posted...

Tc I had chronic lower back, neck and shoulder pain for years. I did a bunch of PT, changed my workout routine, stopped working out alltogether, etc. The one thing that really helped me was yoga. Not even going to a class or anything, literally yoga sessions on youtube. I would recommend yoga with adriene (youtube channel). She is a very good teacher and communicates the poses very well. She has hundreds of yoga videos for all levels. There are plenty of yoga sessions for beginners, then if you feel comfortable after that try one of her 30 days of yoga playlists. Starts of very basic and slowly builds each day, with good instruction along the way. I'vs been pain free for years now, and got back to my old weightlifting regiment. But i still implement yoga multiple times a week.

It worked for me, and it may or may not be beneficial for you. But if you havent tried yoga before i would highly encourage you to give it a shot. If you do try it, don't stress over doing every pose, just do what you can and maybe later on you will be able to do more.

what a coincidence, the PT that i was seeing before was studying to become a yoga instructor and was incorporating some yoga techniques into her PT practices! she showed me how to do one pose in particular that was really beneficial, the "child's pose". i haven't tried to do it in awhile. i should maybe give that a shot again.

i am a little hesitant to start up any kind of routine based on just Youtube videos alone though. i have so much shit wrong with me physically and so many compounding factors, that i think it really takes individualized care in order to address. i don't want to risk messing anything up further because i'm doing something i shouldn't be and don't know it.

berlyman101 posted...

That's more about making professional connections so I dunno about reaching out to treatment providers on there.

I know it sucks but hopefully there's another practice near you that can help provide some relief and get you out of this doom mindset.

yeah, that's what i was thinking. oh well.