Current Events > What does CE think was ultimately going on with this girl from work? (Long)

(+) Yeah! (+)

Its a long story but Ill keep it as short as possible. Probably will still be long though.

Anyway back in December a coworker (Ellen) told me that another coworker (Mary) had a crush on me. This came from a source (Marys relative) who also works where we do but a bit higher up. I never really talked with Mary before and was interested too but didnt know how to approach out of the blue. Anyway Ellen told the source I was also interested and all of a sudden there was a work social event organized (game night) and it ended up just being me and Mary going. I felt like we hit it off decently so I asked her to lunch after it was over. We exchanged numbers at her suggestion. I asked the following Monday if she could do Friday.

Anyway it didnt end up happening because she couldnt find a sitter for her kid (who has special needs). But she genuinely seemed to have tried. I was going to leave it be but Ellen came up to me like a week later and told me that Mary was very nervous about going since shes so awkward and that I should try texting her to get to know her better. This all came from the source who I guess Mary discussed it with. I ask if Mary actually wanted to go and Ellen assured me she did.

Anyway the next game night was coming up so I decided to test the waters and send a text about it. We pretty much texted non-stop over the next two weeks, paragraphs back and forth with her re-initiating it after it died. I felt like we were getting to know each other (a lot of common interests) and that she actually was interested. Anyway that went on a couple more weeks and I decided eh, try number 2. So I asked, and she takes a while to answer (she sometimes took a while but never days). After like two days she says we can try for Friday. She ends up not being able to again (her kid had something). I just asked for lunch btw, not necessarily something obviously romantic.

Anyway this time I feel like it was really time to back off and leave it in her court. However over the next couple months she keeps reaching out. She would text first and start conversations (ended up being super long like the others, lots of questions from her), chatting on Teams at work, etc. She misses a game night (the last one until maybe Fall, organizer is getting busy) and texts me asking how it was and that she wishes she could be there etc. We text for another few days or so but then I decide what the hell, one more try. So I ask if she wants to grab lunch since it didnt line up the last couple times. She says we can try for the weekend after the current one, and I say Ill follow up next week. However we end up texting all week that week again (I left plenty of opportunities to end the texting but she always kept it going). Finally the next week rolls around and I follow up like I said I would. No answer for two days then she finally says shes too busy (she gave reasons but I wont get into them). This time I tell her I understand shes busy and if she ever wants to hang, just hit me up instead rather than me asking. She says ok and now I havent heard from her for three weeks.

Any thoughts from more experienced CEmen? Not interested? Really that busy? Trying to not think about it but I cant help but wonder. Not really looking for advice as Im not taking further action but I cant help but wonder what was going on especially since she kept reigniting it when I was ready to let it lie.

100% conjecture - she hasn't dated since baby daddy left. she's lonely, she's tired. she wants a relationship. you seem like a nice guy, stable, fun enough, etc. you seem like what she should be going after. but either she likes a different type of guy that isn't good for her or she isn't willing to make any sacrifices / changes to what she is doing now to actually dating.

I'd send a final text, basically this isn't working for you but given an open invitation to lunch or whatever works for her if she ever figures out the baby sitting.

Norman_Smiley posted...

100% conjecture - she hasn't dated since baby daddy left. she's lonely, she's tired. she wants a relationship. you seem like a nice guy, stable, fun enough, etc. you seem like what she should be going after. but either she likes a different type of guy that isn't good for her or she isn't willing to make any sacrifices / changes to what she is doing now to actually dating.

This would kinda be my guess. Maybe she likes you and is just awkward and afraid of trying things again. Or maybe she just enjoys having someone to talk to as a friend and doesn't really have any romantic interest but doesn't want to push you away by saying that.

Yeah, there must've been some initial interest because otherwise she wouldn't mention me to "the source". That's kind of how all this started. But maybe it fizzled out in the course of talking to me, who knows.

I'd send a final text, basically this isn't working for you but given an open invitation to lunch or whatever works for her if she ever figures out the baby sitting.

I basically did that, just told her to reach out if she ever wants to get lunch and that she can pick the day. I also sent another text (at the same time) with just casual conversation related to what we were talking about before to let her know there's no hard feelings from my end etc and that of course we can still text like we were, but she never responded to that.

Also another tidbit I left out of the OP- I did spot her on Bumble like the week of my final attempt at asking. I didn't interact with her profile or bring it up to her (of course) though. So it seems she is interested in dating- this does push it more towards she isn't interested or lost interest in me, though.

A kid with special needs is a major factor that I don't think many here are gonna fully understand. I could see that being something that is causing her to have anxiety going out without them.

But on the other hand you have your own life to handle. It's not going to go anywhere if you can't actually go out together regardless of the reason. I think you've handled it well and leaving the ball in her court is good. You can move on in the mean time.

I doubt there's anything different happening with that bumble account personally. I don't think it has anything to do with you or what you did. I think it's her struggling to get out there. Which is also why her friends and family are trying to set you up.

Punished_Blinx posted...

A kid with special needs is a major factor that I don't think many here are gonna fully understand. I could see that being something that is causing her to have anxiety going out without them.

But on the other hand you have your own life to handle. It's not going to go anywhere if you can't actually go out together regardless of the reason. I think you've handled it well and leaving the ball in her court is good. You can move on in the mean time.

I doubt there's anything different happening with that bumble account personally. I don't think it has anything to do with you or what you did. I think it's her struggling to get out there. Which is also why her friends and family are trying to set you up.

Yeah her kid actually has autism- she was less specific at first but eventually she told me that. I think he's about 5 or 6.

I'm sure she definitely does struggle to get out- the "source" at work was apparently really excited when I said I was interested too, hence the set up attempt. Here and there I would get encouragement about it from her through my other coworker Ellen whose office is close to hers. I would get asked for status updates etc.

However the latest time I tried to get some "intel" Ellen told me that the source just shakes her head whenever it gets brought up and said that she's "afraid" to ask Mary about it.

Just one bump before I put this to rest in my mind.

CoolMaskGuy posted...

Yeah her kid actually has autism- she was less specific at first but eventually she told me that. I think he's about 5 or 6.

I'm sure she definitely does struggle to get out- the "source" at work was apparently really excited when I said I was interested too, hence the set up attempt. Here and there I would get encouragement about it from her through my other coworker Ellen whose office is close to hers. I would get asked for status updates etc.

However the latest time I tried to get some "intel" Ellen told me that the source just shakes her head whenever it gets brought up and said that she's "afraid" to ask Mary about it.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I think all of this is more about Mary than you.

She's just not interested. Don't think too much about it & move on

She might have been interested if you came in dressed as han solo, but as it is no dice.

This is indeed a long story

It seems like she may have been interested at the beginning but along the line changed her mind and now just wants a texting buddy.

There's a lot to read there so I may have missed it but you've been trying since December and have yet to actually hang out with her, besides a game night? If she was interested she would have said yes and followed through by now.

Yeah, I would move on. It can be rough to have a kid with special needs, but she would have made time sometime if she was really interested.

WrkHrdPlayHrdr posted...

It seems like she may have been interested at the beginning but along the line changed her mind and now just wants a texting buddy.

There's a lot to read there so I may have missed it but you've been trying since December and have yet to actually hang out with her, besides a game night? If she was interested she would have said yes and followed through by now.

Hmm, didnt expect to see more posts in this but yeah. Trying since February actually but not like it makes a huge difference. Theres been a few game nights.

The thing that threw me off the most about this whole thing was she kept reaching out and texting first. I really didnt think she would if she was uninterested as I had asked her to hang a couple times and you think she wouldnt want to encourage it. Honestly, I wouldve dropped this whole thing after the first failed attempt if she hadnt done that.

Anyway I do know I need to move on from this, this is kind of the last week Im letting myself think about this. It does keep coming to mind though. Anyone have any moving on tips? Lol.

I think Id be open to friendship with her eventually but I dont want to force that either. Im not texting anymore.

Might be good to block her just so you aren't tempted.

RottingGoat posted...

Might be good to block her just so you aren't tempted.

I was thinking about deleting her number but nothing more than that. That way Id have to ask for it again (which would be weird so obviously I wouldnt do it) to ever text first. I think itll be ok though, as the days go by the temptation will fade. I have at least some willpower.