Current Events > Here's a conversation I had with a woman, come make fun of me

(+) Yeah! (+)

Context: we'd been on three dates and I tried to set up plans for this upcoming weekend

Her: I appreciate the invite, and while I have really enjoyed getting to know you and I think we have great conversations, to be totally honest I'm not feeling the romantic connection. I think you're a really cool person and I wish you all the best!

Me: Well that's a real bummer. Not that you like, owe me an explanation or anything, but was it something I did, or didn't do?

Her: I'm sorry to let you down! The truth is that in a lot of ways you did things really, really right, and I want you to know that was definitely appreciated. I really mean what I said before and I think you're a great guy for the right person. Since you asked, I do want to give an explanation because I think you deserve to know

What it comes down to is that it didn't feel like things were escalating. There wasn't any flirty touching, let alone a real move, you know? I absolutely will take some of the blame for this, because I know about this specifically i can be a little shy/closed off. But i think the fact that neither of us really went for it was a sign for me that the physical chemistry just isn't there, and that's not something i can just talk myself into, as much as I wish I could.

Here's where you make me feel worse.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

These are texts that I copied/pasted

This is where you send a dick pic and say "how's THAT for escalating things!"

At least she was honest. Gotta give her points for that.

So many people straight up abuse the "OMG I DON'T OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION" thing whenever it benefits them.

I won't make fun of you. That's mean.

learn the lesson, TC

next time, pop your collar

Intro2Logic posted...

Here's where you make me feel worse.

Nah, you handled it like a mature adult. Respect.

Could be true, but sounds like cover up for lack of sexual attraction, cause had she been really into you then she wouldnt have mind the wait. But at least she was honest. You got the experience and on to the next one.

I don't want to make fun of you. That's unfortunate. But, it is a valuable lesson. As a guy it's your role to escalate physically to show desire. If you're already dating a woman more than once then she is at least attracted to you in some way. your desire is what sparks her arousal.

you can read the situation to see if it's a first date hookup. "what are you up to after this?" is a polite sort of way to gauge that. there should be a hug after the first date and mention of a second if there's some attraction. if it's not a first date hookup or makeout session then try to go for a hug and a kiss at the end of the second.

at the end of the third make a bolder move and language, escalate flirting and light touching. she'll put up the stop sign if it's too much or unwanted at this point. she'll probably give opportunities to go further if she's not a virgin or something but those don't really exist by early 20s.

berlyman101 posted...

i don't want to make fun of you. that's unfortunate. but, it is a valuable lesson. as a guy it's your role to escalate physically to show desire.

lol gender roles

Not saying you're wrong, but it's still painfully stupid that this concept even exists in dating.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/1/2/8/AAPV5JAADUMI.jpg

Take it to heart.

And move on.

I wanted to tell her how I spent the whole ride home after our last date hating myself for not kissing her. But I knew that wouldn't change tanything.

Brutal, but you got honest feedback, perhaps your hesitancy to escalate physical chemistry had hurt your chances with prior women as well, at least you can take something do things a bit differently moving forward

Intro2Logic posted...

I wanted to tell her how I spent the whole ride home after our last date hating myself for not kissing her. But I knew that wouldn't change anything.

You are correct. It almost certainly wouldn't have changed anything. Learn from it, move on and make your romantic intentions known sooner. If you aren't confident enough to try and kiss her on the first date then you should definitely go for it on the second date. A second date is a pretty solid indicator that she's into you.

This woman does seem pretty awesome though, based on the simple fact that she was up front about it, instead of
just ghosting you or making excuses until you go away.

Pretty sure I told you to kiss her on the second date and even stated that I personally would have on the first. This isn't to make you feel bad, but because I really do hope you learn from this.

Edit: also, you are doing well at getting dates

JuanCarlos1 posted...

Could be true, but sounds like cover up for lack of sexual attraction, cause had she been really into you then she wouldnt have mind the wait. But at least she was honest. You got the experience and on to the next one.

Well, women often don't have as much sexual attraction if the guy doesn't make a move. So it can sometimes be somewhat one and the same.

What's to make fun of? You had 3 dates and she wasn't feeling it.

Far from the worst thing I've read on CE. She was honest and nice and it was a learning experience for you

You aight man. I was expecting some actual CE tier horribleness lol

And yeah, live and learn. Good luck bro.

You have dates with anyone else planned? I can't remember if I told you my method of getting an end of date kiss, assuming it didn't already naturally happen. At the end of the date, just give her a basic hug, then pull your head back slightly. If she does the same, your faces are now inches apart. If she makes eye contact or glances down at your lips, it is pretty safe to go in for the kiss. Sometimes it is a basic kiss, and other times she will respond enthusiastically and make it a full blown make out.

LinkFanatic posted...

lol gender roles

Not saying you're wrong, but it's still painfully stupid that this concept even exists in dating.

you're right but where else would gender roles play a bigger role than in dating?

I am dating a woman that eschews many of them though and it's cool

Stupid fucking anxiety

Sucks man. Lessons learned. Pick yourself up and get back out there.

also kudos to her for being mature and communicating those issues well. You wouldnt believe how rare that is these days.

Intro2Logic posted...

Stupid fucking anxiety

It gets easier with practice. I used to suck at dating. At least you can get dates, lots of guys here can't, so it's only a matter of time.

bsp77 posted...

You have dates with anyone else planned? I can't remember if I told you my method of getting an end of date kiss, assuming it didn't already naturally happen. At the end of the date, just give her a basic hug, then pull your head back slightly. If she does the same, your faces are now inches apart. If she makes eye contact or glances down at your lips, it is pretty safe to go in for the kiss. Sometimes it is a basic kiss, and other times she will respond enthusiastically and make it a full blown make out.

honestly, if I feel like we have good chemistry, I'll generally just be direct and say "I want to kiss you."

My entire sex life has become very routine and sad.

Starts out on tinder, text casually for a day or two until someone finally says "Wanna fuck? ;)"

Meet up and be awkward for an hour before finally banging and then go back home and text each other again.

If it was good there might be a couple more meetups but then things usually fall off, start to talk less and then I'm onto the next girl.

Okay

YugiNoob posted...

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/1/2/8/AAPV5JAADUMI.jpg

I could've swear I saw noct with a phone

Honestly I think asking " can you tell me what I did wrong" is really lame (I know those aren't the exact words). Even asking "why" would be better. You're automatically assuming she's one in the right and that you're the one to be judged by her instead of it being mutual.

You could just be like, "ah yeah just not used to moving fast, I liked getting to know you but I didn't wanna feel like I was forcing something since you did seem a little shy and reserved". Then invite her to your place or to a place around your house and mention that it's close to your place when you set it up

Or just move on

TentacleDemon posted...

You are correct. It almost certainly wouldn't have changed anything. Learn from it, move on and make your romantic intentions known sooner. If you aren't confident enough to try and kiss her on the first date then you should definitely go for it on the second date. A second date is a pretty solid indicator that she's into you.

This woman does seem pretty awesome though, based on the simple fact that she was up front about it, instead of
just ghosting you or making excuses until you go away.

Yeah, if you go about it that way. Odds would be better if you hit her with a playful "Damn, should've kissed you after the second date huh haha." Still low, but better. When I was younger I started off too slow and had some success recovering with some humor about it. Don't get me wrong, it's still better to make a move at an appropriate time instead of hesitating, but you never know. Probably too late now though that the conversation is over.

Intro2Logic posted...

Here's where you make me feel worse.

Look at TC, every body! He's actually communicating respectfully and politely with another human being. Can you imagine!

averagejoel posted...

honestly, if I feel like we have good chemistry, I'll generally just be direct and say "I want to kiss you."

Yeah, just be direct next time. Well, unless a moment naturally presents itself where you know it's perfect. But there's seriously nothing wrong with voicing your desire about stuff like this. Even if you're uncertain. Maybe especially then! It avoids any misunderstanding, puts you both on the same page, and it's great to establish open communication early on. Then when you get to the bedroom, you're both already comfortable talking about what you want with each other.

MisterPengy posted...

Look at TC, every body! He's actually communicating respectfully and politely with another human being. Can you imagine!

It's not the conversation itself, as much as my continued inability to read signals and make a first move.

She was very respectful and mature about it. The best response would be something similar back and move on.

--Zero- posted...

She was very respectful and mature about it. The best response would be something similar back and move on.

Yeah I responded with:
Thank you for the honest response, like I said, you didn't have to do that. Best of luck again.

You got honest and constructive feedback delivered in a respectful way. Take this as a positive learning experience.

She's actually wise. Both you guys need to find someone willing to fill the role you can't.

You guys are the same end of the battery. You can't power anything like that

Oof. I know how that feels TC. I got a similar message after 3 dates with this woman. I was trying to take it slow because she said she wasn't trying to rush into things and she likes to be friends first. Live and learn though lol

NoxObscuras posted...

Oof. I know how that feels TC. I got a similar message after 3 dates with this woman. I was trying to take it slow because she said she wasn't trying to rush into things and she likes to be friends first. Live and learn though lol

Well now that sucks because you got massive mixed messages. I usually give guys a hard time about not making a move by the second date at the latest, but not sure how you were supposed to navigate that.

bsp77 posted...

Well now that sucks because you got massive mixed messages. I usually give guys a hard time about not making a move by the second date at the latest, but not sure how you were supposed to navigate that.

Well I appreciate you not giving me a hard time. I'll just chock that one up to being my first date in a long time and keep moving.

NoxObscuras posted...

Well I appreciate you not giving me a hard time. I'll just chock that one up to being my first date in a long time and keep moving.

Lol. Well, when I give a hard time it is because I care and hope for change. I like TC

Sorry, TC. I feel your agony. The lady Ive been seeing just told me she got a job offer quite far away, so it seems like our time together is drawing to a close. It hurts a lot more than Id have expected. Hope things get better for you.

Poorly posted...

I could've swear I saw noct with a phone

Its much more personal to ask for nudes with a hand written letter delivered via dog mail :3

Feels bad, man

It sucks, yeah, but you handled it well.

Notes for next time, try for a hand or thigh touch if the vibes are right, I usually find that the easiest way to begin flirty touching.

She seems like a cool girl.

I do recommend escalating to physical contact by the second date. Always works out for me.