Current Events > Death. The fuck are you meant to cope with it?

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As I get older I realise how inevitable it is. In the last twelve months Ive had to watch three people I care about die. One young friend suddenly and two older relatives to illness lasting probably two months each. It fucking sucks. I dont get how the hell you are meant to cope with it. I dont know whats worse. Losing someone suddenly before there time or watch two people slowly fade away over a longer period. Im lucky Ive not lost a parent, sibling, child or partner yet but damn me if it doesnt make me weep at the very thought of it.

People who have been through it. How the hell did you cope? Id probably end up one of those people who just completely fall apart if it happened to me and end up homeless or worse.

Someone give me hope that even when the worst happens there is a way through

SHRlKE posted...

How the hell did you cope?

Out of sight out of mind.

They say running from your problems doesn't help but they're wrong.

Death is something we deal with because we have no choice, but every person you lose is trauma. You'll remember them the rest of your life, and you may never get over it. A friend of mine's mom was murdered two weeks ago and he's an absolute wreck. He'll probably never be the same.

Drugs

Tyranthraxus posted...

Out of sight out of mind.

They say running from your problems doesn't help but they're wrong.

this is why I think if someone big does die in my life I wont cope. Ill just hide in alcohol or the like and itll be game over. I fell apart from like three years after my first long term relationship broke down. It took me a long long time to come back from that.

It never gets easy, but it does get easier.

SHRlKE posted...

this is why I think if someone big does die in my life I wont cope. Ill just hide in alcohol or the like and itll be game over. I fell apart from like three years after my first long term relationship broke down. It took me a long long time to come back from that.

Yeah. It's harder when you can't run and I haven't had to go through that yet.

Like if a dog or spouse or child died, you can't just look away from that.

For the other people I've lost. I just phased them out of my mind. Didn't look at pictures. Didn't talk about them, etc.

It was particularly difficult when a friend of mine killed herself and I feel partly responsible even though I know no one else feels that way. I pretty much stopped talking to everyone in that entire circle of friends to deal with it.

It works. That's all I have to say about it.

Kind of one of those things youre going to be forced to cope with sooner or later. Whether you decide to cope in a healthy or unhealthy manner is gonna be up to you.

To me death is a pointless thing to preoccupy yourself with unless youre dying or someone close to you is dying/died. Outside of those circumstances youre just wasting your better days worry about the worse ones to come. Its important to appreciate the here and now, especially if you and yours are happy and healthy.

Solid Snake07 posted...

To me death is a pointless thing to preoccupy yourself with unless youre dying or someone close to you is dying/died.

unfortunately three people in the last few months has happened to me. Potentially have another friend who has cancer. Waiting for the results.

Ive always handled it well. Go pay my respects and remember the good times. I do not think of death at all. When it happens it happens.

idk. i've been around it my whole life so it's kind of normal to me. i had gone to at least 20 funerals by the time i was 10, so it was always just another part of life.

i don't think there's any right way to handle it, but there are plenty of wrong ways. like, it's something that will happen to everyone you know and have ever met, and is also something that might happen without expecting it. so, i think the best thing is to simply appreciate the time you spend with the people you care about because you really don't know whether that'll be the last time.
like with my grandpa, he basically raised me. i don't think he'd appreciate me wallowing in pity after he died, so instead i took a lot of the lessons he taught me and applied them to my life. just because you can't see that person anymore doesn't mean they're "gone"
basically, if you see things as temporary, it becomes harder to take it for granted. i feel that's a good approach, because even if someone you know doesn't pass away, they can fall out of your life completely. so, for me, i just try to get the most out of my time with others and not have regrets like "i wish i had said this"

Thing that bought this on on top of the deaths Ive seen is the wife is ill at the moment as well. Big spinal issues thats gonna require surgery. Just worries me so much. She also has an aneurism as well which is monitored but just something else that plays on my mind. I think this feeling all comes from I dont know what the hell Id do without her. Having so many deaths recently just bought it all home.

Time if you aren't looking at mind altering substances. I've lost many over the years, including my dad and brother. Nothing makes it better, it just gets easier over time.

you're supposed to believe in religion

CactusCat posted...

idk. i've been around it my whole life so it's kind of normal to me. i had gone to at least 20 funerals by the time i was 10, so it was always just another part of life.

i don't think there's any right way to handle it, but there are plenty of wrong ways. like, it's something that will happen to everyone you know and have ever met, and is also something that might happen without expecting it. so, i think the best thing is to simply appreciate the time you spend with the people you care about because you really don't know whether that'll be the last time.
like with my grandpa, he basically raised me. i don't think he'd appreciate me wallowing in pity after he died, so instead i took a lot of the lessons he taught me and applied them to my life. just because you can't see that person anymore doesn't mean they're "gone"
basically, if you see things as temporary, it becomes harder to take it for granted. i feel that's a good approach, because even if someone you know doesn't pass away, they can fall out of your life completely. so, for me, i just try to get the most out of my time with others and not have regrets like "i wish i had said this"

thanks this helps. Im a fairly anxious person. Been on anti depressants in the past so I guess Im susceptible to worrying about the worst. My friend is a Buddhist and explains similar to you that everything is transient and fighting against it is just a waste of energy and counter productive which in my head I know to be true but my heart just wont be told.

nfearurspecimn posted...

you're supposed to believe in religion

not a fan of organised religion for various reasons although I do believe in a personal relationship with Christ.

I just mean that humanity has always used religion to deal with the inevitability of death

I'm watching my Dad and grandmother both die from stage 4 cancer right now. Sucks ass.

But it also woke me up that I need to, "get busy living, or get busy dying."

Started going to the gym almost every day, started writing again, etc.

In a very odd way, watching them die has kinda saved my life. Sad but true.

however you can. get to the next day

I lost my dad when I was 10.
I was a wreck for years.
Angry, violent, mistrudting, no regard for anyone but myself.

It wasn't until I was 17 that I started improving, and took even longer for me to get to a food place. 22 or 23 easily.

meestermj posted...

I lost my dad when I was 10.
I was a wreck for years.
Angry, violent, mistrudting, no regard for anyone but myself.

It wasn't until I was 17 that I started improving, and took even longer for me to get to a food place. 22 or 23 easily.

well done on bettering yourself. I guess the only competition that truly matters is the one with yourself and trying to do better every day. Im rooting for you man. X

I've lost quite a few friends, an ex who I was still very close to, and a husband. It's always rough, you never get over it, but at some point you just have to find a way to make peace with it. Took me a good five or six years before I made peace with losing my husband. I still love and miss him, still have a great relationship with his parents. I've since remarried but there's always that part of me that's still somehow waiting for him to come home. I don't think that feeling of...wrongness...ever goes away entirely.

Spiritlittle posted...

I'm watching my Dad and grandmother both die from stage 4 cancer right now. Sucks ass.

But it also woke me up that I need to, "get busy living, or get busy dying."

Started going to the gym almost every day, started writing again, etc.

In a very odd way, watching them die has kinda saved my life. Sad but true.

sorry man I know someone going eol on cancer at the moment which was one of the things that prompted this topic. In fact we visited him today in hospital. Its hard for the person with cancer obviously but Ive realised for me the hardest part is seeing how it effects other people like family and friends.

My gran bless her they were together for 60 years. Now my grandad has gone a few months back shes just a shell of her former self which is obviously not surprising at all but damn is it hard to watch.

TheOtherMike posted...

I've lost quite a few friends, an ex who I was still very close to, and a husband. It's always rough, you never get over it, but at some point you just have to find a way to make peace with it. Took me a good five or six years before I made peace with losing my husband. I still love and miss him, still have a great relationship with his parents. I've since remarried but there's always that part of me that's still somehow waiting for him to come home. I don't think that feeling of...wrongness...ever goes away entirely.

respect to you for trying to move on. How does your new partner feel about your feelings for your previous?

https://youtu.be/HzM5NKgd_YA

Here you go

How do you cope with the amount of death that statistically happens daily?

SHRlKE posted...

respect to you for trying to move on. How does your new partner feel about your feelings for your previous?

He's completely understanding and supportive. I really couldn't have gotten involved with someone who wouldn't be. Like, what kind of douche would be jealous or weird about someone having complex feelings about a deceased partner, you know? Never waste time with people who don't respect your feelings, and don't ever let someone tell you your feelings about deceased loved ones are inappropriate. Like, I guess thats my advice - don't let anyone tell you that you need to "get over it," regardless of who the decedent is to you.

Live for them.

How I cope at least. On the off chance we see eachother again in the afterlife Ill have some great stories to share with them.

never gets easier though (hasnt for me at least). Its a constant battle.

Not a big deal. Kinda vital on my roadmap to become a lich.

VandorLee posted...

How do you cope with the amount of death that statistically happens daily?

Does someone really need to explain the difference between losing friends and family to death, and random people dying around the world?

For me I will always have other people to be happy and healthy for. Like my kids and wife so Ill cope with them and move in for them.

My brother was shot to death by his wife. I'll never believe it was a suicide because he loved his children (who his ex wife took away from him) and honestly wasn't the type to do that, cliche it may sound.

After his death all his "wife" and ex wife (mother of his children) could do is fight over who got his life insurance money. It was fucking disgusting. The bitch who shot him shortly after moved on to sleeping with multiple men and sucking them for their resources too.

Watching your mother and father grieve over the death of a child is one of the most heart wrenching experiences you could ever experience in life. My mother walked into my room shaking like a leaf with a complete look of shock/terror on her face telling me he had shot himself. I'll obviously never forget it. The images are burned in my mind.

It happened in 2010. I wish I could say it has gotten better, but in some ways it feels worse at times. Lots of emotions to cycle through. Anger/rage and bitterness towards the women who destroyed his life, and complete sorrow over his death in general and watching my parents move on etc.

Religion doesn't help, I can't buy into it. I have to accept the fact that I'll probably never see him again or hear his voice/laugh etc. I'm married but once my parents pass I don't know what I'll do. I think I'll be a complete fucking mess. With the exception of my wife, they are the only two people left on this planet that I love. (His kids grew up to be complete monsters like their mother, nephew came down a year ago and he stole from my parents, hadn't seen him in years).

Don't know how to deal, simply living one day to the next. If there is a god they have a ton of bullshit to explain for how fucked everything is.

Death doesn't scare me half as much as getting old. Like if its 70 or 90 or whatever the day I can't be independent or do stuff I love then fuck it I'll be ready.

MabusIncarnate posted...

Does someone really need to explain the difference between losing friends and family to death, and random people dying around the world?

Theyre someones friends and family.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

This, though I tend to take the stoic view on it. Death is inevitable, it comes for us all. Some sooner, some later.
In the past 4 years I've lost my father, my grandmother, and been diagnosed with and beaten cancer. It's given me a different perspective than what I had in the past.
The finiteness of our lives is what gives it's value and meaning. If we had an infinite amount of time to live then what value would any amount of that time have?

Brief is mans life and small the nook of the Earth where he lives; brief, too, is the longest posthumous fame, buoyed only by a succession of poor human beings who will very soon die and who know little of themselves, much less of someone who died long ago. Marcus Aurelius

It's not that we should fear death, it's we should fear not enjoying the small time that we have to live. If you fear the death of loved ones then try spending more time with them, or enjoying the time that you have rather than taking it for granted.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

I don't agree with that logic tbqh

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/9/9/8/AANJGaAADJ52.jpg