Current Events > Let me tell you a story... of the world's fattest man on a mission to Mars

(+) Yeah! (+)

This is a story not any CEman would tell you. It's a Gamespot legend

In 1996 scientists decided that human exploration of Mars was necessary.

One man would go, but none would return.

They needed a true hero, a man with nothing to lose.

A man who has everything.

Can do anything.

Can be anything.

so they chose The World's Fattest Man.

In order to give the worlds fattest man true courage, the US government paid 1 Billion Dollars to any and all sexy celebrity women who would sleep with the world's fattest man.

Once sexing all the women of his dreams, the world's fattest man (henceforth referred to as the worlds fattest man or 1tonstramrolleverything) had nothing to lose.

He then, of course, agreed to go on a One Man Suicide Mission to Mars.

To Save Us All.

The Rocket that carried 1tonsteamrolleverything to his destination was the B-128-22--1-n!. Shaped like a coconut crab, and sprayed top down with internet memes, the craft was deemed invincible.

Inside The Craft the worlds fattest man would ride around is in Rascall, or simply SteamRoll in small spurts to get around, eat, or sex the many many women provided by the holodeck.

Upon landing, 1tonsteamrolleverything looked up at the Sun and began his long trek to the top of Olympus Mons.

The entire world watched him, we laughed, cried, and Anne Hathaway said that she would never ware underware again in his honor.

eventually the worlds fattest man reached his destination.

NASA said, "OK 1ton, it's time to do your thing, good luck and godspeed"

He said "STEEEAAAMMMMROOOOLLLLLL EVVVVEEERRYYYYTHIINNGG!!!"

Then he bit down on all the yummy cyanide pills he could, detonated the Nuke, and SteamRolled.

He rolled on

and on

and on and on

and saved us all.

And so everyone on Earth got attractive and then got laid.

And freedom and food and drugs populated the world.

and Rainbows, everywhere.

The Universe was conquered much sooner than thought as a result.

The govt made catgirls and everyone liked that too.

Thank you sexy celebrity women

Thank you worlds fattest man.

One day we to will learn to SteamRoll, perhaps on Earth too.

We will teach our children, and our childrens children what they can really do the second they hit 1 Ton.

One day

to save us all

Once again...