Current Events > They really don't prepare you for how fucking terrible raising a baby can be

(+) Yeah! (+)

Mine has reflux or colic or some food allergy or I dont even fucking know but the crux of it is we havent been able set him down for more than ~45 minutes at a time for two months without him screaming, plus he has to eat every 1-2 hours

this means there has not been a time in two months where we are sleeping at the same time because someone constantly has to be holding him. Its harder on mom of course because she feeds him

the doctors general answer is oh it usually resolves itself by 6-12 months; meanwhile I am also expected to work a full time job

we get maybe 30-60 minutes per day where hes awake, alert, and not crying. But also hes two months old so he cant do anything fun anyway

I was told that raising a small human being was effortless.

Lairen posted...

I was told that raising a small human being was effortless.

by who

WorsCaseOntario posted...

by who

Literally everyone.

Lairen posted...

Literally everyone.

No you weren't.

Lairen posted...

I was told that raising a small human being was effortless.

I dont think this, of course

but its always couched oh theyre such bundles of joy and you dont understand how truly hard it is until youve literally not slept for weeks at a time with a tiny human screaming and punching constantly

Throw the whole baby away

seriously. its fucked. worst thing is, we all did the same thing too. go ahead. ask your parents

it does get better TC. well. kinda. my baby is 5 months old. he used to do the things you said, and doesn't for the most part now, but now his new thing is that he'll roll over in his sleep then cry because he can't turn back over. so we'll turn him back over, and he'll go to sleep, then do it all over again. tonight he did it 5 times before my wife said fuck it and just held him as he sleeps.

TheGoldenEel posted...

I dont think this, of course

but its always couched oh theyre such bundles of joy and you dont understand how truly hard it is until youve literally not slept for weeks at a time with a tiny human screaming and punching constantly

Mine was only bad when she was first born. Slept and woke up just when the fuck ever. I wasnt getting enough sleep. This asshole supervisor got on me about something really stupid one day after i had little sleep in the morning and i just started crying cause i was going nuts with work and no sleep. He fucked off but probably thought i was ultra sensitive. He wasnt my direct supervisor and left me alone afterwards.

Is your wife breastfeeding or formula feeding? If breast, maybe have her cut out dairy or other food types that potentially are the culprit. Also cut down on caffeine.

I can't say it definitely helped with our newborn vs him just getting a bit older but something to try.

Also not sure as to your leave/time off situation but my wife had 3 months and I had one month. During our shared time initially, we would take "shifts" at night to give ourselves more than a two hour stretch. She would pump and I would bottle feed him between 8pm and 4am and she would take over at 4 (or whenever he woke up again) and I would sleep until noon. It helped with the sleep deprivation

Some more key pointers: be mindful of wake windows. Newborns especially don't need/ought not to stay awake longer than 2 hours at a time. If they become "overtired" its an absolute difficulty trying to get them to sleep. This is because they get "stressed" at the feeling of fatigue/tiredness but don't know what to do about it. Once we got really good at swaddling (and I mean really good so he didn't just ninja his way out after 30 mins) he slept more soundly for full two hour stretches, especially when we didn't let him stay up too long or over stimulate him.

By 3 months, he was sleeping from 7p to 2a pretty consistently and so now it's a lot easier to just help with a middle of the night diaper while my wife got ready to breastfeed, and when we put him back down he'd sleep the rest of the night.

Ours still spits up, but it's not nearly as often as that first month, and he's a "happy spitter." (gains weight, isn't bothered when he does it).

Cheers.

Ah it's not that bad. You just got to adjust and once they reach like 8 months it becomes a lot easier.

SquantoZ posted...

Throw the whole baby away

Calm down Casey

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Mezcla posted...

seriously. its fucked. worst thing is, we all did the same thing too. go ahead. ask your parents

it does get better TC. well. kinda. my baby is 5 months old. he used to do the things you said, and doesn't for the most part now, but now his new thing is that he'll roll over in his sleep then cry because he can't turn back over. so we'll turn him back over, and he'll go to sleep, then do it all over again. tonight he did it 5 times before my wife said fuck it and just held him as he sleeps.

Itd be nicer if people were more honest about it, because it feels like were constantly failing/doing him wrong so if its normal for it to be this difficult it wouldve been good to know.

BlameAnesthesia posted...

Is your wife breastfeeding or formula feeding? If breast, maybe have her cut out dairy or other food types that potentially are the culprit. Also cut down on caffeine.

I can't say it definitely helped with our newborn vs him just getting a bit older but something to try.

we are doing this, and its an extra layer of stress because we live in wisconsin so to avoid dairy and butter and cheese our options are pretty limited and then I have to spend more time cooking myself

i personally dont think its helping (its been about 3 weeks) but my wife wants to keep at it

Also not sure as to your leave/time off situation but my wife had 3 months and I had one month. During our shared time initially, we would take "shifts" at night to give ourselves more than a two hour stretch. She would pump and I would bottle feed him between 8pm and 4am and she would take over at 4 (or whenever he woke up again) and I would sleep until noon. It helped with the sleep deprivation

I took off a month FMLA + Im only working 3 days/week for another month. My wife quit her job (it was Covid tracing rn anyway so it was temporary)

we are doing where I stay up until 2-4am but she cant sleep longer than 4-5 hours at a time anyway without having to wake up to pump

Some more key pointers: be mindful of wake windows. Newborns especially don't need/ought not to stay awake longer than 2 hours at a time. If they become "overtired" its an absolute difficulty trying to get them to sleep. This is because they get "stressed" at the feeling of fatigue/tiredness but don't know what to do about it. Once we got really good at swaddling (and I mean really good so he didn't just ninja his way out after 30 mins) he slept more soundly for full two hour stretches, especially when we didn't let him stay up too long or over stimulate him.

We are working on this; he goes through periods where he absolutely will not sleep and we dont have any good tricks to get him to. The easiest thing is his rocker, but theyre not supposed to sleep in those and he wakes up immediately if you try to take him ohh

By 3 months, he was sleeping from 7p to 2a pretty consistently and so now it's a lot easier to just help with a middle of the night diaper while my wife got ready to breastfeed, and when we put him back down he'd sleep the rest of the night.

Ours still spits up, but it's not nearly as often as that first month, and he's a "happy spitter." (gains weight, isn't bothered when he does it).

Cheers.

Yeah the doctor says just wait, and hes gaining weight well so hes healthy

but its a long time to be indefinite about. Yeah it might get better soon, it might also get worse and not be over until 12 months

I got super lucky. My baby was like a big fat kitty who just wanted to cuddle and nap all the live long day. Whenever i got home from work, i would just carry that little cuddle puff around and take her on "tours" of the house and she loved every second of it.

Then it was nap time for most of the day.

TheGoldenEel posted...

We are working on this; he goes through periods where he absolutely will not sleep and we dont have any good tricks to get him to.

White noise machine, black out curtains.

And it's a personal decision because I know the recommendation is room sharing, but personally everyone involved got better sleep when he was in his own room next door and we just used the baby monitor. We'd still wake up if he cried, but the "noisy sleeping" didnt wake us and he went longer stretches as a result.

So many variables. You'll hear a lot of people with multiple children comment on particular children of theirs being easier or harder to take care of as babies. Anyway, sorry it's so difficult, sounds like you guys are doing a great job

I nearly fucking died.
That had to have been rough.

Sounds literally horrible.

TheGoldenEel posted...

Itd be nicer if people were more honest about it, because it feels like were constantly failing/doing him wrong so if its normal for it to be this difficult it wouldve been good to know.

i feel like what happens is that within the full span of raising a child, lets say 18 years, only 1-2 years of that are pure chaos. the rest of it goes by. i feel like people just dont remember.

Lairen posted...

This asshole supervisor got on me about something really stupid one day after i had little sleep in the morning and i just started crying cause i was going nuts with work and no sleep.

damn :(. sleep is the one thing that's needed to face the day.

Then after they ruin years of their lives by having a baby, they shame other people for not putting themselves through that mess.

No fucking thanks.

TheGoldenEel posted...

Itd be nicer if people were more honest about it, because it feels like were constantly failing/doing him wrong so if its normal for it to be this difficult it wouldve been good to know.

I feel like this is true of both child rearing and marriage. People like to pretend it is all heartwarming and romantic and that you'll never encounter any problems.

Then a young couple has a baby or newlyweds encounter their first argument and panic that maybe there is something wrong with them. These stupid unrealistic expectations just set people up to think they might be the problem since their experience isn't effortless.

It's ok to hate your baby, you probably still love them!

Look into dr brown bottles if the baby is colic
helped us a lot. Dont be scared about asking if you can try a different formula

Man, I was looking back at baby pictures...

My kiddo had a rough time. Dr's said she had a food allergy that led to pretty bad eczema somehow, all over her face and arms/legs.

She looked absolutely terrible. Like, abused, terrible. We tried all kinds of formula, with no luck. Had to settle for creams and whatnot and antibiotics when she inevitably got infected. From about 6 months to 18 months, she was just a little raw baby that had to be bundled up when she slept so she wouldn't scratch too much.

Then, it just stopped. No idea why. Skin cleared up, although she does have sensitive dry skin nowadays and can get breakouts. But she also is smart enough to lotion up when she notices patches of dryness.

The part I remember most is that she never cried. We know it bugged her because she scratched and rubbed and wanted comfort, but she never cried.

I dont think anyone can really prepare you for how hard it will be until you live it. I had all these cute lounger type things for a baby that everyone swears by. Snuggle me, rockaroo, baby swing... she hated all of them. She wanted to be held AND be in motion so I had to walk her around the house at all times she was awake. Sometimes Id plop her in a stroller and walk around the house to keep her happy. I could never set her down anywhere where she could just chill. Getting her to sleep was 15-20 minutes of bouncing her on a yoga ball. My back has suffered so much Im scheduling physical therapy.

It does get better in some ways but whenever one thing gets better, they learn something new and then that gets hard again. Rolling, crawling, standing, cruising, teething, etc

TheGoldenEel posted...

Itd be nicer if people were more honest about it, because it feels like were constantly failing/doing him wrong so if its normal for it to be this difficult it wouldve been good to know.

we are doing this, and its an extra layer of stress because we live in wisconsin so to avoid dairy and butter and cheese our options are pretty limited and then I have to spend more time cooking myself

i personally dont think its helping (its been about 3 weeks) but my wife wants to keep at it

I say make foods with little seasonings. So no take out. You dont know what could be causing issues and an elimination diet is usually the best course.

Simple foods - pan sear chicken breasts with just salt & pepper, the cover and let cook through. Use the crock pot. Get a piece of pork with a nice side on fat, pan sear, then put in the crock pot fat side down. Just add water, a couple tablespoons of cooking wine (to help break down the fat), and let cook during the day on low. At the end you can make a gravy with the fluid thats in the crock pot because it has the broken down fat. Put in a pan add salt, pepper and flour to make the gravy.

the first year was bad. i spent hours every night carrying her around as she was rigid and screaming her lungs out. after three hours or so, she would relax and go to sleep.

now, tho, she helps me so much...it was way worth it

MrKapowski posted...

Man, I was looking back at baby pictures...

My kiddo had a rough time. Dr's said she had a food allergy that led to pretty bad eczema somehow, all over her face and arms/legs.

She looked absolutely terrible. Like, abused, terrible. We tried all kinds of formula, with no luck. Had to settle for creams and whatnot and antibiotics when she inevitably got infected. From about 6 months to 18 months, she was just a little raw baby that had to be bundled up when she slept so she wouldn't scratch too much.

Then, it just stopped. No idea why. Skin cleared up, although she does have sensitive dry skin nowadays and can get breakouts. But she also is smart enough to lotion up when she notices patches of dryness.

The part I remember most is that she never cried. We know it bugged her because she scratched and rubbed and wanted comfort, but she never cried.

My oldest child often had bad rashes all over her body. After a few too many months we realized it was something in our laundry detergent that was causing it. Still has sensitive skin to this day (and still tries to stay up all night.)

My daughter is so easy Im worried any other kids are going to have twice the problems to make up for it

josifrees posted...

My daughter is so easy Im worried any other kids are going to have twice the problems to make up for it

Ha. My baby is a lot of work when awake but we are very lucky that she sleeps through the night and has been since she was 3 months old. Lately shes down 7-7:30pm and wakes up between 6-7 am. We have a unicorn baby with that, never sleep trained her. We just know if we have a second the universe will make us pay.

My younger brother's almost 34 years old, and he's already greying. He's got two boys, one four and one newborn. Yeah.

It does tend to get better (or can get better, anyway) after the newborn phase and first 1-2 years.

Why people say its so great and the best thing in life..? Either they block all the bad stuff out of memory and just try to forget it, or they flat out lie since who would want kids if they knew how bad it gets during this time?

My wife had pretty bad postpartum depression with ours so that was pretty hellish, so maybe Im just jaded as well.

The newborns are always the hardest, I nearly ripped my own hair off dealing with mines. 8 months in and I can tell you it gets MUCH easier from then because you can actually sleep. The baby becomes more fun to play with and the "hard" stuff becomes second nature to you. Taking care of a baby isn't for everyone and no doubt our educational system doesn't do a damn thing to prepare anyone for a newborn. I hope you have some friends or family support to help you because my mom played a big role in helping us deal with our newborn.

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What you have to look forward to ^^

I was an ugly baby

Are there any grandparents in the picture that could watch the kid for a day? My sister's youngest had the same problem, so our mom and dad took him one day a week just to give my sister and her husband a small break.

Have you tried returning it?

My oldest daughter had similar issues and we ended up even going to the Mayo clinic in Rochester MN and still never figured out exactly what the issue was. Luckily, it eventually resolved itself through careful eating and my other daughters have been much easier.

I got ear buds to help with the screaming. Being entertained and blocking the stressful sound did wonders

As long as I'm not ignoring the kids, it's fine. They're gelatinous until they're a year old

I figured this out years ago.

Never having kids. It's noon, I think I'll have a whiskey.

Robot2600 posted...

I figured this out years ago.

Never having kids. It's noon, I think I'll have a whiskey.

This is the way.

TheGoldenEel posted...

Itd be nicer if people were more honest about it, because it feels like were constantly failing/doing him wrong so if its normal for it to be this difficult it wouldve been good to know.

I think it's because people don't want to freak out expecting parents. Because holy shit those first months were hard. You just have to power through it and support each other as best as you can.

Once you reach the point where your baby starts sleeping longer (the "when" varies per baby), it gets a lot easier.

Every single parent I know explained how much lack of sleep will be accrued. Who the fuck you talking to

My daughter gave me the longest and sweetest hug after I was done with work today. She wouldnt let go. Just had her little arms wrapped around my neck and buried her head in my shoulder. She just started to hug me back recently. Its those kind of moments that honestly make it worth it TC. Just hang in there. The first few months are the hardest since theyre in potato mode.

That's rough man, I feel for you. My gf and I have one child, a son who is now 6, and we got so lucky with him that we're committed to only ever having one. He wasn't colicky, slept through the night every night, teething was a breeze, and was just generally an easy going baby. He never got even got sick, probably due to being breastfed. I still can't believe how easy we had it during those early years of his life. We aren't going to push our luck, because we know things will probably even out and our next child would be a total gremlin.