Board 8 > So, thinking of getting a divorce.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Think I retyped that topic title, a dozen times. Just going to let my stream of consciousness out.

Some of you know parts of the story. Met my wife 7 years ago, been married for 5 years.

Dont have a single bad thing to say about her, shes a wonderful person. It feels like weve grown, but not necessarily together.

Weve always felt more like buddies, instead of a couple. When we first got together, we both were recovering from hard times, and we were good and stable for each other, but I feel like the relationship was always based on stability, rather than romance. We both love animals and share common values, but our interests rarely line up and its resulted in very, bland conversation .

I know most married couples eventually get into a routine and excitement fades, but I dont think 5 years in to a marriage is when that should happen, and again, its really been like that for a while now.

Her own depressive habits have begun to take affect on me as well. I feel bad for concerning them a burden, but they do weigh on me. She never wants to do anything other than watch reruns of the same 3 shows, write in her journal all day, and just kind of sulk. Shes taken proactive steps to address her depression, but its a back and forth battle, as it will be. When I try to be there for her, she wants her space, and when I choose to hangout with friends, i feel guilty. I believe her when she says it isnt intentional, but she does acknowledge making me feel guilty

Ive felt this way for a couple of years and tried to process it, and finally had a conversation with her a few months ago, and have opened up to family and a few friends, for the first time. I told her how I was feeling and said I wanted to try and reconnect. Unfortunately, things went immediately back to normal and she seems to act as if everything is fine.

Ive been going to therapy to address this and my general depression and anxiety. Im still unsure of what I truly want.

With that said, I started researching how things would be for each of us, financially if we did split, and we both should be alright. Another thing that has made me hesitate, is that I never wanted to put her in a bad living situation. Thankfully, shes at a good point in her career now where she could handle it. Weve always made roughly the same salary, so things have always been fair with us and I dont see there being any major arguments over who gets what, in a divorce. If we were to sell a home, we would be able to pay off the last of our debt and both leave with more in savings.

We could both afford apartments which would provide more space then weve become accustomed to, and our budgets should be pretty reasonable month to month.

I dont know. My health has improved and and since Ive started my own medication for my depression, and I moved up into this new job, Ive been feeling happier and more content with a lot of aspects of myself, but it allowed me to look at my relationship more clearly.

Current word vomit over.

INCEPTlON posted...

She never wants to do anything other than watch reruns of the same 3 shows, write in her journal all day, and just kind of sulk.

Turn it around. How would she describe you and your behavior? If you "don't have a single bad thing to say about her", why is her description here so uncharitable?

INCEPTlON posted...

Unfortunately, things went immediately back to normal and she seems to act as if everything is fine.

Have you readdressed this with her? I'm reading this as your interpretation of her behavior, as opposed to you checking in.

INCEPTlON posted...

Thankfully, shes at a good point in her career now where she could handle it.

All other things being normal, sure. Going through a divorce could throw this in a tailspin, but I guess she'll have to figure that out.

INCEPTlON posted...

Im still unsure of what I truly want.

This is the part that concerns me the most. What DO you want? Out of this relationship? Out of this thread?

Honestly this sounds like you need to just talk to your wife about what you want out of the relationship and work it out together. Maybe suggest couples therapy if you can't deal with it yourselves.

There's seemingly a whole lot of 'observation' going on here instead of a two person discourse and that is never the way to handle this kind of thing.

I think divorce shouldn't be what you're thinking about unless things get bad bad.

What you should do is possibly push a little harder? Like try to make this the best relationship you can have and then if her issues directly prevent it you'd be able to divorce with less guilt.

Like if she's your friend I wouldn't recommend cutting off a friend until it must be done.

I should have said, that Im thinking about starting those talks, rather than going right to it.

Sorry for lack of details all. We have had numerous conversations and Ive checked in many times. Each time, shes acknowledged what shes been doing, and has told me she will try to improve. I ask her if there is anything I can do for her, but she says I havent done anything wrong, which then makes me feel worse. She then resorts to the same habits, and the cycle continues.

Llarian posted...

Turn it around. How would she describe you and your behavior? If you "don't have a single bad thing to say about her", why is her description here so uncharitable?

Have you readdressed this with her? I'm reading this as your interpretation of her behavior, as opposed to you checking in.

All other things being normal, sure. Going through a divorce could throw this in a tailspin, but I guess she'll have to figure that out.

This is the part that concerns me the most. What DO you want? Out of this relationship? Out of this thread?

To answer your final question; exactly what youre doing. For people to play devils advocate

My thoughts may not be worth much as a 26-year-old who's never been in a relationship for very long, but I agree with the couples counseling idea. You both seem open to that sort of thing since you said she's "proactive" about her depressive habits and you've done therapy yourself. These don't really sound like issues that can be addressed solely on an individual basis.

INCEPTlON posted...

Weve always felt more like buddies, instead of a couple. When we first got together, we both were recovering from hard times, and we were good and stable for each other, but I feel like the relationship was always based on stability, rather than romance. We both love animals and share common values, but our interests rarely line up and its resulted in very, bland conversation .

I know most married couples eventually get into a routine and excitement fades, but I dont think 5 years in to a marriage is when that should happen, and again, its really been like that for a while now.

This is all perfectly normal tbh. Im not saying that you dont necessarily have a reason to leave this marriage (though as others have implied you probably should work harder to salvage it first), but if your primary motivation is to leave in search of excitement youre in for a rough time.

redrocket posted...

This is all perfectly normal tbh. Im not saying that you dont necessarily have a reason to leave this marriage (though as others have implied you probably should work harder to salvage it first), but if your primary motivation is to leave in search of excitement youre in for a rough time.

No, not excitement. I meant the idea of being entirely on my own again, excites me. I dont want to pursue excitement. I just want to focus on myself and my career.

I've been divorced. It really colored my expectations of what marriage should be. I think my first marriage was the happy bubbly kind and my second resembles closer to a crusader kings 3 marriage than a modern day one. Hell, we aren't even legally married because it would cost 3 grand a year in taxes and we agree the government acknowledging to our marriage isn't worth 3 grand a year. We do have a contract however.

The point is, if you are leaving your marriage because it isn't fun any more you will never be happy because the sparks always leave after a couple years. If you are leaving because your spouse is stopping you from fulfilling your life goals that could be a valid reason, but I would try to talk that through first

Go to couple's therapy first

Definitely will give couples therapy a try.

Being brutally honest, it comes off like you're longing for bachelor life again and are thus looking for things that are "wrong" with the marriage to help you feel better about leaving. Which, hey, you do you, but you probably need to take a good, long look at yourself before pursuing any future relationships.

If you havent been to marriage counseling, I cant recommend it enough.

Just over a year ago my wife and I were in trouble, we went to 4 counseling sessions and aired our grievances and it genuinely made things stronger than before.

It was extremely awkward and difficult, Im not going to lie, but the end result was very positive.

INCEPTlON posted...

Each time, shes acknowledged what shes been doing, and has told me she will try to improve. I ask her if there is anything I can do for her, but she says I havent done anything wrong, which then makes me feel worse.

Worth pointing out that people who are not doing well mentally are not always in the best place to delegate and tell you how they need help.

As in conversation, avoiding simple yes/no questions may lead to more useful information - "can I do anything for you" will likely invite a quick no and a qualifier that you aren't doing anything wrong. "what can I do for you" or "what do you need/want right now" might invite an actual response, or you could offer stuff you know she likes. "Do you want a blanket or a cup of hot chocolate" or something. People who are depressed may not always take what's offered, but knowing that you're there offering makes a big difference to them.

The rest of this post isn't specifically to you, OP. More of an educational moment to anyone else who reads this thread. The thing about being in a relationship with a depressed person that can be frustrating is you don't see an immediate, positive response to your efforts like you do with other things in life.

The person you love doesn't magically bounce back once you bring them a sandwich or a blanket, once you give them a cool gift, or take them out someplace neat. You could have a fun day together, and the next day they could be shrimping at their computer like it never happened. They may feel a little better, even if they're still low energy by 'normal' standards.

Your person won't be magically cured one day, no matter how hard you try. But that's not the goal - the goal is to build a relationship, to show the other person that they're valuable to you. They are your priority. You want to make life a little easier on them - after all, their own brain is beating on them in a way you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. That means doing the little things, no matter what response it gets or doesn't get.

How do you dig a trench with a spoon? One spoonful at a time.

masterplum posted...

I think my first marriage was the happy bubbly kind and my second resembles closer to a crusader kings 3 marriage than a modern day one.

I would take this a step further and posit that many (most?) long term successful marriages are closer to Crusader Kings 3 than the media driven narrative of the ideal marriage.

HashtagSEP posted...

Being brutally honest, it comes off like you're longing for bachelor life again and are thus looking for things that are "wrong" with the marriage to help you feel better about leaving. Which, hey, you do you, but you probably need to take a good, long look at yourself before pursuing any future relationships.

Thats the other half of the equation, right? Trying to figure if I actually genuinely miss that. My family doesnt have the best history of finding pleasure in others company. My mom and dad have admitted to staying with each other out of convenience. Grandparents before them were similar.

INCEPTlON posted...

No, not excitement. I meant the idea of being entirely on my own again, excites me. I dont want to pursue excitement. I just want to focus on myself and my career.

I have this feeling every now and then.

I highly recommend you and your spouse take solo vacations.

Its a thing, and when you put some physical distance between you it helps you realize what your real feelings are.

INCEPTlON posted...

but I dont think 5 years in to a marriage is when that should happen

Not really the most important part of the post, but why? 5 years is a long ass time.

INCEPTlON posted...

Thats the other half of the equation, right? Trying to figure if I actually genuinely miss that.

You don't lol

redrocket posted...

I would take this a step further and posit that many (most?) long term successful marriages are closer to Crusader Kings 3 than the media driven narrative of the ideal marriage.

What does this mean exactly? I think that's a 4x game? Is the idea that it's more of a partnership?

I think for a marriage to have any real longevity it has to evolve into a sort of partnership. Passion only gets you so far.

For what it's worth, I think 5 years is pretty normal for it to get "boring"

Sounds like 7 year itch coupled with other things.

Would definitely try to work things out via therapy.

I'm gonna echo what everyone else has said about couple's therapy. My ex and I have been doing it for a few years and while we are still getting divorced, it's helped us resolve a lot of hurt feelings over it and the separation is totally amicable. Even if you guys don't work as romantic partners anymore, it sounds like you're pretty good friends and therapy can help you preserve the friendship even if the marriage ends.

INCEPTlON posted...

My family doesnt have the best history of finding pleasure in others company. My mom and dad have admitted to staying with each other out of convenience. Grandparents before them were similar.

On some level, this is what you're expecting from relationships, but theirs doesn't have to be yours.

Since you have different interests, investing in your shared interests is a solid strategy, as is talking about your individual interests. The aim is to be able to be happy for each other, even if you have no clue what the other person is on about, or why they would find that subject interesting. Bolo likes strategy games and cute magical girls. I like old films and morbid historical horror stories. We have overlap, but we also have plenty of ways in which we couldn't be more different.

You can learn more about what brings them joy and fulfillment, and help bring them even more of that satisfaction. "Hey, isn't this kinda like that thing you like" is an attempt. Even if you're wrong, it shows that you're trying to understand and connect - which is often more than acquaintances or even friends may try to do.

don't get a divorce, go to joint marriage counseling

INCEPTlON posted...

Weve always felt more like buddies, instead of a couple.

It's called "companionate love" - you don't get married for the purpose of fucking. Being a good couple means you're best friends first, lovers second.

This sounds like a perfectly fine relationship that can be recovered if you work together. It sounds to me like neither of you is doing that.