Current Events > Non straight CEppl: How is your view on coming out for your partner?

(+) Yeah! (+)

Recently met a man who has been out since 79 or before pretty much. He told that he had demanded guys to come or they are through etc.

For me and my bf, I feel my bf has his journey and I support him any way possible, last thing I want to do is putting pressure on him.

Im interested in your thoughts, even straight people can answer about this topic, what do you think?

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I'm straight, but I feel something like this should be a part of someone's personal journey.

yea, it would be nice to be with someone who's open with who they are, but there's often a real threat that "coming out" might burn some bridges for the original, or at least change the dynamics in some of their other relationships.

for some people, it might be easier to say, "if you don't accept me for who I am, I don't need you in my life," but for others, they might not feel ready ready to potentially lose the bond they might have with a sibling, change how their parents might see them, and so on.

so at the very least, I don't think ultimatums like that are helpful to anyone.

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g0ldie posted...

I'm straight, but I feel something like this should be a part of someone's personal journey.

yea, it would be nice to be with someone who's open with who they are, but there's often a real threat that "coming out" might burn some bridges for the original, or at least change the dynamics in some of their other relationships.

for some people, it might be easier to say, "if you don't accept me for who I am, I don't need you in my life," but for others, they might not feel ready ready to potentially lose the bond they might have with a sibling, change how their parents might see them, and so on.

so at the very least, I don't think ultimatums like that are helpful to anyone.

I really like how you think


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thanks.

I have a couple of cousins (as far as I know) who haven't come out to the family, and I think it's largely because they fear the backlash.

they came out to those they're closer to, but not officially.

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Here's a story:
For the first three or four years of dating my now ex, my parents did not know we were together, and they did not know I was gay. In fact, it wasn't really my choice to come out to them, but just an unfortunate circumstance that led to them knowing because they met my then ex.

When we first started dating, I told my ex that it would be a long time before I could come out to my parents because they are very religious and have told me before that homosexuals would go to hell. (Not even like, angrily. It was just like a "aw, too bad homosexuals go to hell because they seem nice" sort of thing). So obviously I was very apprehensive about coming out to them. My ex was totally fine with that...at first. My brothers knew, however, because the three of us are very close and they're a lot less religious than my parents are (and, you know, good people.)

After a couple years, though, it was definitely taking a toll on my ex because she's was a very family-oriented person, and meeting my family was important to her. (I hate my family except for the previously mentioned brothers, so I kinda did not understand where she really was coming from. So what if my giant family didn't know?)

A part of me wishes my parents never found out. My dad was nice to my ex and I, and even kept the "gays go to hell" thing to a minimum. The circumstance that led to them finding out made my mother double down on religion, though, so I would find pamphlets around the house advocating about finding Jesus or whatever on days she would visit, which weren't many.

Now that we have broken up, my parents have just assumed that I am straight again. They never mention my ex, they always say "when you find a husband, etc," and my dad straight up told me he doesn't want me dating women again. (I'm 27 and moved out, but he still thinks he has some kind of hold over me lmfao). The relationship between my parents and I was always awful, but now there's this elephant in the room whenever my future comes up, and I hate it. I legit don't know if I wish they never knew, because even now that they do know, I feel like its something I have to hide regardless, and its pretty draining.

I shared this story because its the reason I would never want a partner to come out to anyone unless they were 100% certain they were comfortable. As much as I didn't care what my parents thought, I still needed their financial support at the time, so I couldn't come out then. And now the repercussions of them finding out have strained our relationship. Again, it wasn't anyone's choice that my parents found out, just a shitty happenstance, but I kind of wish it never happened. I wouldn't want it to happen to anyone else unless they were ready to face what would come.

Also this only applies to my parents and extended family. Its pretty funny that literally all my coworkers, all my friends, and everyone in between knows I'm a giant lesbian except for my family.

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I would never think of putting an ultimatum like that on someone

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I think it's fine for people to prefer privacy of their personal lives and relationships. That can be said regardless of a person's sexual orientation. It would be kind of difficult to come out without simultaneously welcoming other people into the details of your personal life. Once you open that door, suddenly your friends or family think they need to be in the loop about everything you do from that point on.

That isn't to say you should feel nervous about your identity, or feel like you have to go out of your way to conceal your relationships, or force your partner to walk on eggshells. That's quite different from simply being a private person.

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I'm straight so my opinon matters little on the topic, but I would think that most partners want their significant other to be open about the relationship instead of hiding it. Fully understand that its not necessarily easy or what you may want to do, but I think alot of people want their relationship to be "Official" to the public.

But that said, its truly a personal choice and not something the partner should dictate.

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ApherosyLove posted...

Here's a story:
For the first three or four years of dating my now ex, my parents did not know we were together, and they did not know I was gay. In fact, it wasn't really my choice to come out to them, but just an unfortunate circumstance that led to them knowing because they met my then ex.

When we first started dating, I told my ex that it would be a long time before I could come out to my parents because they are very religious and have told me before that homosexuals would go to hell. (Not even like, angrily. It was just like a "aw, too bad homosexuals go to hell because they seem nice" sort of thing). So obviously I was very apprehensive about coming out to them. My ex was totally fine with that...at first. My brothers knew, however, because the three of us are very close and they're a lot less religious than my parents are (and, you know, good people.)

After a couple years, though, it was definitely taking a toll on my ex because she's was a very family-oriented person, and meeting my family was important to her. (I hate my family except for the previously mentioned brothers, so I kinda did not understand where she really was coming from. So what if my giant family didn't know?)

A part of me wishes my parents never found out. My dad was nice to my ex and I, and even kept the "gays go to hell" thing to a minimum. The circumstance that led to them finding out made my mother double down on religion, though, so I would find pamphlets around the house advocating about finding Jesus or whatever on days she would visit, which weren't many.

Now that we have broken up, my parents have just assumed that I am straight again. They never mention my ex, they always say "when you find a husband, etc," and my dad straight up told me he doesn't want me dating women again. (I'm 27 and moved out, but he still thinks he has some kind of hold over me lmfao). The relationship between my parents and I was always awful, but now there's this elephant in the room whenever my future comes up, and I hate it. I legit don't know if I wish they never knew, because even now that they do know, I feel like its something I have to hide regardless, and its pretty draining.

I shared this story because its the reason I would never want a partner to come out to anyone unless they were 100% certain they were comfortable. As much as I didn't care what my parents thought, I still needed their financial support at the time, so I couldn't come out then. And now the repercussions of them finding out have strained our relationship. Again, it wasn't anyone's choice that my parents found out, just a shitty happenstance, but I kind of wish it never happened. I wouldn't want it to happen to anyone else unless they were ready to face what would come.

Also this only applies to my parents and extended family. Its pretty funny that literally all my coworkers, all my friends, and everyone in between knows I'm a giant lesbian except for my family.

That's rough. I can't imagine how it would be without a supportive family, so I'm very lucky in that aspect. I'm the other way around, my family is the only one that knows, my coworkers doesn't. I don't have any friends other than my bf so yeah. I'm afraid of being open at work because there are some coworkers who are religious with different religions that are pretty anti-gay, but I still don't know if they think like that.


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How is your view on coming out for your partner?

Depends. I don't want to be a dirty secret. I'd like to go OUT on dates and have shared experiences together. I'd like to bring him over to hang out with my family/friends and all their events. If he's scared to even go into a gay bar for fear of being outed, that's too much for me.

If he's a little averse to PDA, I could roll with that. I personally like hand on the thigh or knees touching while sitting. Or a kiss goodnight. I don't want him looking over his shoulder while we're outside of either of our private homes.

If he's not out to his family? I could respect that, but I'm out with mine and he's invited over for christmas and shit.
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Cokewave posted...

I'm straight so my opinon matters little on the topic, but I would think that most partners want their significant other to be open about the relationship instead of hiding it. Fully understand that its not necessarily easy or what you may want to do, but I think alot of people want their relationship to be "Official" to the public.

But that said, its truly a personal choice and not something the partner should dictate.

I get that. And your opinion still matters. Personally it would be nice to just be able to be like "everyone else", but things are complicated, especially when we have such a big age gap.

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Living a secret life isnt it, dawg. If your family cant accept you, they arent worth it. Literally no exception imo.

I completely understand some peoples aversion, and went through it myself, but its so much better when you can finally accept yourself and be yourself.

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philsov posted...

Depends. I don't want to be a dirty secret. I'd like to go OUT on dates and have shared experiences together. I'd like to bring him over to hang out with my family/friends and all their events. If he's scared to even go into a gay bar for fear of being outed, that's too much for me.

If he's a little averse to PDA, I could roll with that. I personally like hand on the thigh or knees touching while sitting. Or a kiss goodnight. I don't want him looking over his shoulder while we're outside of either of our private homes.

If he's not out to his family? I could respect that, but I'm out with mine and he's invited over for christmas and shit.

I get that absolutely. I think that if my partner shows some signs of progress it's good, or has goals and wants to progress to coming out.

I don't think I could deal with being permanently a secret. My bf is taking steps, even if it's very slow. Just a month ago he told some friends about me. I've met his best friend several times etc. I've yet to meet his kids. (who are around my age). I'm not a total secret to them, they know me by name and being a friend at this point.

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it's a really brutal ultimatum, especially if the relationship has evolved for a good period of time. i'd probably be more patient and understanding than most because people have a lot of valid reasons to not come out and i don't want them to risk family relationships just to keep me happy. at the very least, we should at least have financial stability in case things go bad

i'm not sure if being i can deal with their being closeted forever though, but i think i'd be willing to wait at least a year and a half for sure. but what do i know lol, i have cp and have never had a date on my own. i think my experiences with bullying and low self-esteem makes me feel heavy empathy for anyone going through internal struggles