Current Events > Poll: What should I do about bad behavior from a homeless friend I'm helping?

(+) Yeah! (+)

So here's the backstory: I've known this friend since we went to the same special needs middle/high school. As such, we both had a rough upbringing, pretty much everybody in that glorified child prison did. It was a pretty small and tight knit school community because of it. Plenty of us are still friends. Well, those of us still alive (a lot of us have died or been killed). Let's call him "Pet".

One week ago today, Pet and his girlfriend had a pretty bad breakup (this has come after a pattern of several little splits and reconciliations) and he ended up being kicked out. He was living in his car for days before he told me, apropos of nothing, and I decided I didn't want another dead friend so I invited him into my home. I offered a spacious bed, free access to our utilities and amenities (water/shower, cookware/food, Wi-Fi, etc.), and expect nothing in return. He was so happy with this that the first thing he did when he arrived that fateful night was give me a big hug while he whispered in my ear "I'll never forget this kindness". I was genuinely happy to be helping someone in a real, meaningful way. But... It hasn't gone as well as I had hoped.

Something else to note, that some of you might already know, is that I live with my boyfriend in a house.

It started out with little things, like not turning off lights after leaving a room or leaving his socks on the floor, but it's progressed to more serious things, like not locking the door when he comes home for the night and forgetting essential things in his car every night (phone charger, cigarettes, etc.) and asking to use my stuff instead of getting his own stuff. Finally, it's come to a crescendo recently. His car broke down a few days ago so he had no way to get to and from work. A co-worker drove him home the other night, but he waited until the very last minute to ask my boyfriend for a ride yesterday morning. My boyfriend hadn't showered, eaten, and was still in his pajamas at the time. Like, couldn't he have asked sooner? He got his car back from the shop now so at least it won't persist, but it was still rude in my opinion when he knew he didn't have it that day. He did something similar last night in that he went out to visit a friend around 9:40 PM, said he was coming home soon, but basically disappeared. I messaged him at 1:42 AM asking if he was coming home, but no response. I waited up until 3:30 AM for him, only slightly later than I normally stay up sometimes, but still nothing. Figuring he'd stay with his friend that night, I locked the door, turned off the porch light, and went to bed. He finally messaged me at 3:53 AM saying he had smoked a ton of weed, passed out in his friend's bed, and only woke up because his friend kicked him out of his bed and told him he had to leave. He came home, but couldn't get in since I locked up and ended up sleeping in the cold in his car basically in front of my house.

There's a lot of other stuff he does that I'm not crazy about, such as always talking like he just woke up from anesthesia, smoking copious amounts of weed day and night, and leaving the bathroom door open while he's pooping (I walked past and saw and it creeped me out), but I think some of those are more subjective.
That's not to say he's totally terrible. He doesn't break anything, he doesn't steal anything, and he buys his own food. I just don't think that's enough to offset the problems he's causing. At least, that's how I feel.
My solution is to have a house meeting tonight, the one week mark of him staying with me, and bringing these things up to him as well as enforcing more rules, like cleaning up after himself and setting a curfew if he's going to be out THAT late. So, am I overstepping my bounds for treating him like a teenager and wanting to stick my nose in his business? Or should Pet be more considerate about how he conducts himself in my home? I really need to know!! Thanks so much!!

TL;DR A friend of mine is staying with me since he was recently homeless, but he's doing annoying and rude things and I want to toughen up the rules in order to bring him in line. Is that the wrong or right thing to do?

---

Your house, your generosity, your rules.

---

BloodMoon7 posted...

Your house, your generosity, your rules.

That's the camp I'm sitting in, honestly. I don't want him to feel stressed in his time of need, but he also needs to realize the position he's in, you know?

---

It's your place, if he can't follow the rules he can be living some place else, you have been way to generous and tolerant with some of that.

---

Offworlder1 posted...

It's your place, if he can't follow the rules he can be living some place else, you have been way to generous and tolerant with some of that.

He already asked some friends. He wouldn't have been living in his car if he had any other choice. He's also been apartment hunting since day one. I don't want to slip into a mindset of "I'm doing something nice so you owe me everything". I think it's a dangerous way of thinking that leads to entitlement and oppression. I try to consider things from his perspective. He must feel so lost and depressed and scared. His life has been turned upside down. Some normalcy should do him good. Some kindness and hospitality could save him from losing hope altogether.

---

You gotta sit down with him and tell him what he isn doing isn't cool. And that if he can't respect your rules, he can't live with you anymore.

---

lay down the law. Freeloaders will always take advantage of the situation. Get him out before hes been there a month or you might have to spend thousands to get him to leave.

---

The way you told it sounds like you two have been close for a long time and have shared problems together sort of like siblings.
If thats anyway close to true Id give him another shot but make your expectations clear and dont let him get away with more than he has. If youre putting him up like that its 100% fair to have house rules

---

Arcanine2009 posted...

You gotta sit down with him and tell him what he isn doing isn't cool. And that if he can't respect your rules, he can't live with you anymore.

We actually had the meeting and I think it went really well. He seemed to understand what I was trying to tell him and agreed with my criticisms. I'll be watching him to see if he takes it to heart, though.

Norman_Smiley posted...

lay down the law. Freeloaders will always take advantage of the situation. Get him out before hes been there a month or you might have to spend thousands to get him to leave.

I did, but gently. No need to make him feel like shit unless he refuses to improve on what he needs to. And couldn't I just toss him out? I'm not giving him a key for a reason. How could he lay claim in such short time?

SirEsquireIII posted...

The way you told it sounds like you two have been close for a long time and have shared problems together sort of like siblings.
If thats anyway close to true Id give him another shot but make your expectations clear and dont let him get away with more than he has. If youre putting him up like that its 100% fair to have house rules

I wouldn't say close, I would just say we've known in each other in at least a basic capacity since we were children. But I do agree I should give him another shot. Now that we did the house meeting, I feel much better. Now he knows what he should and should not be doing. Before he had an excuse, now he doesn't.

---

SableWolfAngel posted...

I did, but gently. No need to make him feel like shit unless he refuses to improve on what he needs to. And couldn't I just toss him out? I'm not giving him a key for a reason. How could he lay claim in such short time?

If he has lived there for 30 days or longer (well, it might depend on the city / state, but 30 days is standard). The key is "establishing residency". Does he get mail there? Does he call it "home"? He doesn't necessarily need a key to establish residency.

And if he refuses to leave, you wouldn't even get to do a "cheap" eviction, which runs about $500-1500 depending on state, you would need to do an ejectment which costs $5k+ (or if you're renting, likely you would just not renew your lease, move out and make the landlord deal with it).

This is especially bad now given the pandemic eviction moratoriums, there are still quite a few state and local ones in effect.

---

Norman_Smiley posted...

If he has lived there for 30 days or longer (well, it might depend on the city / state, but 30 days is standard). The key is "establishing residency". Does he get mail there? Does he call it "home"? He doesn't necessarily need a key to establish residency.

And if he refuses to leave, you wouldn't even get to do a "cheap" eviction, which runs about $500-1500 depending on state, you would need to do an ejectment which costs $5k+ (or if you're renting, likely you would just not renew your lease, move out and make the landlord deal with it).

This is especially bad now given the pandemic eviction moratoriums, there are still quite a few state and local ones in effect.

Whoa, really?? I didn't know that!! Luckily, he doesn't get mail here and I forbid him from telling anybody he lives here. I'm hoping he won't do something scummy like that.

I'm also trying to keep his presence here to a minimum. What I mean by that is he doesn't have too much stuff here so it would be easy to pack his stuff up in bags, leave them on the porch for him to find, and lock the door so he can't get in. It's not like he has any furniture here or anything big.

My biggest worry is that he thinks credit score is a scam (and let's be honest, it kinda is since it hasn't evolved with the times) so his is kinda low. No really bad marks, but no history either. No credit cards, no loans, no inquiries, nothing. Just something in collections, but he doesn't know what it is. So when he goes to apply for an apartment, he might need a co-signer or get turned down altogether. He keeps going on about how all that should matter is his income to debt ratio, which is really good right now, but he just doesn't understand how that's not enough. We had the same conversation when he was thinking of getting a new car if his couldn't be repaired or repaired cheaply the other day. I tried to explain to him that it's like taking a college course. In a group of new students no one can tell who's going to be smart and do the work or stupid and slack off so you don't start off in the intermediate course just because the students say "I'm fine, I can do this". You all start off at the beginning and work your way up. Same thing with credit. With no history, you don't start with a car loan or mortgage, you start with a little credit card or two and work up to the expensive stuff. He just seemed to not get it... even though I sell cars for a living and offered him the best advice he's gonna get. I've seen plenty of people come through with ok or even good income and get denied because of bad or nonexistent credit. It's ok to buck the system in ways, but you still have to work within it unless you can live completely independent of it. I directed him to our municipality's apartment leasing office and he'll go there soon so let's cross our fingers and hope that goes somewhere.

---

Evening bump!

---

SableWolfAngel posted...

I think it's a dangerous way of thinking that leads to entitlement and oppression.

what?

Questionmarktarius posted...

what?

Like, I don't want him to feel controlled or like he's traded one bad situation for another. I may rule the roost around here, but I feel like I should try doing it with compassion first and an iron fist second.

---

Late night bump?

---

Final bump!

---

idk, just sit down and have an adult chat with him, be gentle but direct

---

Just wordlessly beat his ass from one end of the house to the other. He'll know what he did.

---

PoundGarden posted...

Just wordlessly beat his ass from one end of the house to the other. He'll know what he did.

what kind of creature deserves such a cruel beating??

---

Kick his ass out.

---

Kick him out or fully commit to being his dad for the rest of his life.

---

nfearurspecimn posted...

idk, just sit down and have an adult chat with him, be gentle but direct

That's what I did during the house meeting a week ago. He's been pretty good after that, but he's still leaving his shit all over the place so I may bring that up again.

PoundGarden posted...

Just wordlessly beat his ass from one end of the house to the other. He'll know what he did.

I don't think I'm strong enough for that. Unless I brandished my nine iron I keep near the front door. That might give me an edge in combat.

Pepys Monster posted...

Kick his ass out.

Isn't that a little harsh? It's not like he's breaking things or stealing things or asking me for money.

nexigrams posted...

Kick him out or fully commit to being his dad for the rest of his life.

Why do I gotta be his dad? Can't I be his mom instead? I think that would make more sense.

---

Youre doing a very nice thing, but living with someone in a situation like this is just awkward. Your feelings on it are pretty reasonable.

Youre pretty much just hoping for him to find a place quickly at this point, so you're stuck with him for probably another month or two at least. Imo keep doing what you're doing with the gentle reminders. Like someone else said, you're his dad now. You probably wanted to be the fun aunt, but it is what it is.

---

Jiek_Fafn posted...

Youre doing a very nice thing, but living with someone in a situation like this is just awkward. Your feelings on it are pretty reasonable.

Youre pretty much just hoping for him to find a place quickly at this point, so you're stuck with him for probably another month or two at least. Imo keep doing what you're doing with the gentle reminders. Like someone else said, you're his dad now. You probably wanted to be the fun aunt, but it is what it is.

Thank you for that, I appreciate it. And yes, it is a little weird. Like, I can't walk around naked in my own house anymore. I miss that so much.

That's why I encourage him to go to leasing offices and search listings online pretty much all the time so he can make as much progress as fast as he can. But in the meantime, I'll keep reminding him about these things that are bothering me in hopes he'll get the message and at least change his behaviors while he's living with me. He can go back to being a stoned slob when he gets his own place. But why do I gotta be the dad?? If anything my boyfriend is the dad!! I wanna be the mom, dammit!!

---

Your proposal sounds fair.

It's disappointing how many people don't know how to be good 'mid-term' guests. Pick up after yourself, when possible, give at least 24 hr. notice of any special requests, and have yourself back at a decent hour so you don't keep your host up all night.

At least he's not inviting strangers into your home - yet.

---

This isn't scientific or anything, but this whole thing gives me bad vibes.Unless you are sure you can trust this guy (and honestly, how well can you know somebody if you've never lived with him?) I'd get him out of your house one way or another before the date he would be considered to legally be a resident.

Give him the boot before he stays permanently

---

brestugo posted...

Your proposal sounds fair.

It's disappointing how many people don't know how to be good 'mid-term' guests. Pick up after yourself, when possible, give at least 24 hr. notice of any special requests, and have yourself back at a decent hour so you don't keep your host up all night.

At least he's not inviting strangers into your home - yet.

Glad you agree.

That's what I thought! It's not like I want to control him or manage his life for him, I just want him to follow my rules. And even then they're pretty pedestrian. It's not like we're religious or have an HOA to adhere to. I'm also not a perfectionist so I don't expect sparkly clean living, but I don't like socks on the living room floor and ashes in the bathroom sink, you know? I have a hard time understanding what is and isn't socially appropriate so it's hard for me to realize what I should and shouldn't be asking of him so that's a reason I asked here.

He does that and he's out on his ass. I am NOT putting up with that.

darkmaian23 posted...

This isn't scientific or anything, but this whole thing gives me bad vibes.Unless you are sure you can trust this guy (and honestly, how well can you know somebody if you've never lived with him?) I'd get him out of your house one way or another before the date he would be considered to legally be a resident.

Bad vibes? Can you elaborate? And I can say that about literally everyone I know since you don't often live with people other than family and partners. I have no idea how good or bad of a roommate any of my friends will be until I try it. So far my annoyances are justified, but they haven't evolved into anger or mistrust due to the less than extreme nature of his transgressions. As soon as he steps over that line, he'll be out. You can bet on that.

RoseLuck2X22462 posted...

Give him the boot before he stays permanently

Again, too harsh.

---

Explain tonhim your rules and tell him you will be forced to kick him out ifvhe doesnt do as you ask

---

If i just got up and still in my pjs I would not give a ride to anyone, I mean I might but he would be late maybe very late he would be on my time waiting for a ride

---

I feel like you let him into your home to feel like you did a good deed rather than for him.

1. In what universe is it normal to have a roommate and not give him a key? He should not be forced to rely on you for access in and out. If you didnt trust him with a key you shouldnt have allowed him to stay in the first place.
2. Why is what time he comes in and goes out any of your business? He is a grown adult. Maybe he will be home and maybe he wont. He doesnt need to check in with you.
3. The things you are upset about are minor grievances at worst. A light left on, socks, asking to give him a ride once?

You arent wrong if you dont want to deal with it. Its your home but you also didnt think about the repercussions of doing so and are now upset at him when you should have considered the ramifications beforehand. You also talk about him as if he is a child or less than capable which just seems disrespectful to me. This iI a conversation that could easily be resolved by just asking him to be more considerate. That goes both ways though.

Honestly hes probably better off not being there. For your sake but for his own as well.

---

Straighten the fuck up or get the fuck out. Be direct about it.

---

You are not responsible for him, dont feel bad if you sometimes sound mean to him, he needs tough love it seems

---

skermac posted...

Explain tonhim your rules and tell him you will be forced to kick him out ifvhe doesnt do as you ask

I did that in the house meeting. I think he got it better after that, though he's still working on some things. He's good about the door and lights now, but he's still leaving things everywhere so I'll address that again at the end of the month.

skermac posted...

If i just got up and still in my pjs I would not give a ride to anyone, I mean I might but he would be late maybe very late he would be on my time waiting for a ride

I feel the same way. I think he should have asked the night before since he knew his car was in the shop. He was also considering an Uber so it's not like he was out of options, he chose to ask my boyfriend as the first option without considering how it would play out.

Guide posted...

Straighten the fuck up or get the fuck out. Be direct about it.

I'm gonna be more direct at the end of the month if he's still doing uncouth things.

skermac posted...

You are not responsible for him, dont feel bad if you sometimes sound mean to him, he needs tough love it seems

Yeah, I think he needs structure. He said he craved it himself so I know it's on his mind.

---

MrDrMan posted...

I feel like you let him into your home to feel like you did a good deed rather than for him.

1. In what universe is it normal to have a roommate and not give him a key? He should not be forced to rely on you for access in and out. If you didnt trust him with a key you shouldnt have allowed him to stay in the first place.
2. Why is what time he comes in and goes out any of your business? He is a grown adult. Maybe he will be home and maybe he wont. He doesnt need to check in with you.
3. The things you are upset about are minor grievances at worst. A light left on, socks, asking to give him a ride once?
You arent wrong if you dont want to deal with it. Its your home but you also didnt think about the repercussions of doing so and are now upset at him when you should have considered the ramifications beforehand. You also talk about him as if he is a child or less than capable which just seems disrespectful to me. This iI a conversation that could easily be resolved by just asking him to be more considerate. That goes both ways though.

Honestly hes probably better off not being there. For your sake but for his own as well.

I think it can be both. Sure, I wanna feel like I did a good thing, but I legitimately wanted to help him. It can be argued that me not thinking about the repercussions and ramifications, as you say, is proof that I wanted to help him first and myself second since I didn't think about myself.

A) He's not a true roommate since he doesn't live here permanently. I'm not gonna spend the money getting another key cut for him to use while he's here only to surrender it once he lives. What am I gonna do with a spare key after that? And I don't trust him because I've never lived with him before. I'm just being cautious.
B) It's my business because it's my house. I have to get up in the morning to go to work just like everyone else and I don't want to leave my door unlocked when I go to bed. This isn't a flophouse and he's he here by my generosity so I would expect a little courtesy for my schedule. Even if I gave him a key, I don't want to be woken up when I'm trying to sleep if he comes home late. The roles aren't equal so he can't just do whatever he wants whenever he wants.
C) They would be minor, but it's an everyday thing. How would you feel if one of your neighbours kept letting their dog shit on your lawn and not picking it up? It's not really hurting you, but it's bothersome and they shouldn't be letting it happen over and over again. They're not punching you in the face, but it's still rude behavior.

When someone doesn't have foresight to ask for a ride the night before and dumping that responsibility on someone right at the last minute, stays out all night smoking and only comes home after it's bedtime only to end up sleeping and freezing in their car, and can't grasp simple etiquette, I consider them less than capable. And I didn't consider anything because I didn't want him to suffer. I'm sorry I should have been more selfish and thought only of how inconvenient it would be for me to help my friend putting his life at risk. I guess I should have told him to toughen up and not be in a bad situation?

And a big reason why I'm more controlling about this sort of thing is because my mother used to let wayward souls into her home in their times of need, too. All dumb young adults with drug problems or family problems that left them in unstable living conditions. She'd let them in, encourage them to find jobs, listen to them and their problems, but still let them be themselves. It was all very sweet... until it became too much. Some of those people were rotten and stole from her or damaged her property and... it ended up causing her death. I don't want to become a heartless person because of that trauma, but I also don't want to be taken advantage of like she was. That's why I won't let him have a key, that's why I want him to obey my rules, that's why I'm annoyed that he's doing things I consider bad mannered. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile. I consider him to be under my care, not an equal partner in my domicile. If he gets any worse, then he's out and I've fulfilled my duty to help a friend in need. It would just show he didn't care enough to help himself and realize what situation he landed in. Is that what you wanted to hear?

---

Ok so you let him stay with you to feign superiority as I thought. Thats fine but dont act like youre doing him a favor
SableWolfAngel posted...

I think it can be both. Sure, I wanna feel like I did a good thing, but I legitimately wanted to help him. It can be argued that me not thinking about the repercussions and ramifications, as you say, is proof that I wanted to help him first and myself second since I didn't think about myself.

A) He's not a true roommate since he doesn't live here permanently. I'm not gonna spend the money getting another key cut for him to use while he's here only to surrender it once he lives. What am I gonna do with a spare key after that? And I don't trust him because I've never lived with him before. I'm just being cautious.
B) It's my business because it's my house. I have to get up in the morning to go to work just like everyone else and I don't want to leave my door unlocked when I go to bed. This isn't a flophouse and he's he here by my generosity so I would expect a little courtesy for my schedule. Even if I gave him a key, I don't want to be woken up when I'm trying to sleep if he comes home late. The roles aren't equal so he can't just do whatever he wants whenever he wants.
C) They would be minor, but it's an everyday thing. How would you feel if one of your neighbours kept letting their dog shit on your lawn and not picking it up? It's not really hurting you, but it's bothersome and they shouldn't be letting it happen over and over again. They're not punching you in the face, but it's still rude behavior.

When someone doesn't have foresight to ask for a ride the night before and dumping that responsibility on someone right at the last minute, stays out all night smoking and only comes home after it's bedtime only to end up sleeping and freezing in their car, and can't grasp simple etiquette, I consider them less than capable. And I didn't consider anything because I didn't want him to suffer. I'm sorry I should have been more selfish and thought only of how inconvenient it would be for me to help my friend putting his life at risk. I guess I should have told him to toughen up and not be in a bad situation?

You didnt have the foresight to anticipate your current situation so how are you any better?

Getting a key copied cost not even $5. If you didnt trust him you shouldnt have allowed him to stay. Getting woken up is a minor inconvenience.

The roles are equal. Hes been there a week and you act like youre saving his life. Get over yourself.

Youre complaining about him asking for a ride as if your boyfriend is simply incapable of being an adult and saying no. I dont know why you offered to help him when you clearly dont want to.

---

It's literally @MrDrMan trying to do the thing. You don't need to acknowledge it at all.

---

Guide posted...

It's literally @MrDrMan trying to do the thing. You don't need to acknowledge it at all.

Oh wow you really got me there! @Guide Kudos for your contribution.

This topic is dumb. Letting someone stay with you doesnt mean you are better than them or above criticism now. If youre gonna help him dont half ass it.

I dont live with TC so Ill tell you, youre treating him like shit. Oh I have more money than you so roles arent equal like wtf? In what universe is that acceptable? Either help him out or dont. He didnt ask to stay, TC offered. Accept what comes with that.

You guys are fucking delusional.

---

MrDrMan posted...

Ok so you let him stay with you to feign superiority as I thought. Thats fine but dont act like youre doing him a favor

You didnt have the foresight to anticipate your current situation so how are you any better?

Getting a key copied cost not even $5. If you didnt trust him you shouldnt have allowed him to stay. Getting woken up is a minor inconvenience.

The roles are equal. Hes been there a week and you act like youre saving his life. Get over yourself.

Youre complaining about him asking for a ride as if your boyfriend is simply incapable of being an adult and saying no. I dont know why you offered to help him when you clearly dont want to.

So letting him live in a house versus living in the cold in his car isn't doing him a favor? How does that make any god damn sense in any way?

Having foresight for something obvious is way different than trying to predict the idiosyncrasies of a person you've never lived with before. Anyone with a brain can tell you to make arrangements to get to work ahead of time when your car is in the shop, but no one can predict how someone conducts themselves at home. Two entirely separate concepts.

I also don't want him to feel <i>too</i> comfortable. He needs to have some motivation for moving out and not being able to stay here when no one's home, not having his own furniture, and not being able to keep his own schedule should push him in the right direction. I don't want him to feel like he doesn't have to leave, I want him to feel like leaving is the goal. And it doesn't matter if getting woken up is an inconvenience. I don't want it happening so I won't let it. Lemme come to your place and run a lawnmower at four in the morning and let's see how minor the inconvenience is to you, bucko.

How are the roles equal? He's not paying to live here, he doesn't do chores, he's not a permanent resident. And he's been here three weeks now, not just one. I'd say that's saving plenty. Where I live, freezing temperatures at night have started. Go try it if you're so tough.

It's not about capability, it's about respect. If that's your logic, could you lend me some money? Or let me borrow a game system? I don't know you very well, but I could always use money and entertainment. You can say no I guess since I assume you're also a responsible adult. "Helping" isn't the same as "enabling".

---

SableWolfAngel posted...

So letting him live in a house versus living in the cold in his car isn't doing him a favor? How does that make any god damn sense in any way?

Having foresight for something obvious is way different than trying to predict the idiosyncrasies of a person you've never lived with before. Anyone with a brain can tell you to make arrangements to get to work ahead of time when your car is in the shop, but no one can predict how someone conducts themselves at home. Two entirely separate concepts.

I also don't want him to feel <i>too</i> comfortable. He needs to have some motivation for moving out and not being able to stay here when no one's home, not having his own furniture, and not being able to keep his own schedule should push him in the right direction. I don't want him to feel like he doesn't have to leave, I want him to feel like leaving is the goal. And it doesn't matter if getting woken up is an inconvenience. I don't want it happening so I won't let it. Lemme come to your place and run a lawnmower at four in the morning and let's see how minor the inconvenience is to you, bucko.

How are the roles equal? He's not paying to live here, he doesn't do chores, he's not a permanent resident. And he's been here three weeks now, not just one. I'd say that's saving plenty. Where I live, freezing temperatures at night have started. Go try it if you're so tough.

It's not about capability, it's about respect. If that's your logic, could you lend me some money? Or let me borrow a game system? I don't know you very well, but I could always use money and entertainment. You can say no I guess since I assume you're also a responsible adult. "Helping" isn't the same as "enabling".

Youre not doing him a favor if youre constantly holding it over his head. Its literally that simple.

These are things you could have and should have laid out beforehand and didnt. That is entirely on you.

The roles are equal because he is a grown ass man. Who pays the rent is irrelevant. This was your idea. You cant complain about that now.

Im not gonna go back and forth. Do what you want but if you do a favor and truly expect nothing in return you wouldnt be sitting here complaining about getting nothing in return.

---

"And because you didn't lay it out beforehand, there's nothing you can do to change it now."

See how stupid that is? See?

---

Guide posted...

It's literally @MrDrMan trying to do the thing. You don't need to acknowledge it at all.

Oh, he's a troll? Then I don't have to take him seriously. Thanks!

MrDrMan posted...

Oh wow you really got me there! @Guide Kudos for your contribution.

This topic is dumb. Letting someone stay with you doesnt mean you are better than them or above criticism now. If youre gonna help him dont half ass it.

I dont live with TC so Ill tell you, youre treating him like shit. Oh I have more money than you so roles arent equal like wtf? In what universe is that acceptable? Either help him out or dont. He didnt ask to stay, TC offered. Accept what comes with that.

You guys are fucking delusional.

I'm not saying I'm better than him. Now you're just reaching. I'm not half-assing shit. I'm setting boundaries. Do you live alone or something? Sounds like it.

I don't have more money than him. He makes about the same amount as I do. I just so happen to have a more stable living situation, that's all. You're the one that's delusional if you think letting someone in means letting them walk all over you and not holding them accountable for their actions. It's funny you give him the title of full grown man, but don't expect him to actually act like an adult. Something tells me you don't know how to do that yourself, being a troll and all. But hey, plenty of bumps! At least you're helping! Feel good about that, guy.

---

Guide posted...

"And because you didn't lay it out beforehand, there's nothing you can do to change it now."

See how stupid that is? See?

I never said TC was wrong to feel how he feels or that he cant do anything. Hes wrong to think he is also not partially to blame for his current situation.

You cant make a point without straight up lying about what I said. Please stop acting like youre smart. The lack of self awareness in this topic is astounding. Get over yourselves.


---

SableWolfAngel posted...

Oh, he's a troll? Then I don't have to take him seriously. Thanks!

I'm not saying I'm better than him. Now you're just reaching. I'm not half-assing shit. I'm setting boundaries. Do you live alone or something? Sounds like it.

I don't have more money than him. He makes about the same amount as I do. I just so happen to have a more stable living situation, that's all. You're the one that's delusional if you think letting someone in means letting them walk all over you and not holding them accountable for their actions. It's funny you give him the title of full grown man, but don't expect him to actually act like an adult. Something tells me you don't know how to do that yourself, being a troll and all. But hey, plenty of bumps! At least you're helping! Feel good about that, guy.

You set boundaries beforehand. You dont make them up as you go and then get upset when people dont abide by boundaries you never even set.

If common sense is trolling then sure Im trolling.

I actually have a roommate. He does plenty of stuff that gets on my nerves but I dont complain about it because thats what I signed up for. You keep saying he does this, he does that but you havent once acknowledged that you also could have handled it better by just setting expectations beforehand.

THAT is what means to actually be an adult.

---

MrDrMan posted...

Youre not doing him a favor if youre constantly holding it over his head. Its literally that simple.

These are things you could have and should have laid out beforehand and didnt. That is entirely on you.

The roles are equal because he is a grown ass man. Who pays the rent is irrelevant. This was your idea. You cant complain about that now.

Im not gonna go back and forth. Do what you want but if you do a favor and truly expect nothing in return you wouldnt be sitting here complaining about getting nothing in return.

I don't hold it over his head at all. I simply ask him to pick up his shit and not make messes. I'm not his mommy so I'm not picking up his stuff. I shouldn't be expected to. What, you think he comes home and I give him a lecture about what I'm doing for him? That's weird, man. Do you do that? Sounds mean. Maybe don't do that?

Oh I did. I laid out plenty basic rules. But it's a process, not a one step thing. Now I really do believe you live all alone since you don't understand that. Bummer.

Glad to see you're so generous. Since we've established you fly solo, can I come live with you? I won't be paying, of course, but I'm a grown up so it should be all good! Oh, and I need my own room, my own television, and unlimited access to your streaming services. Gotta be totally comfortable! You have Netflix, right?

Your idea of "nothing in return" is totally wrong. It means, like, monetary compensation or other trading of goods. It doesn't mean "treat me like a personalized charity". Thank god he hasn't asked me for money or you'd be up my ass about that, too. You'd be all like, "You let him in so you gotta give him money since it was your idea. Cough it up!". Speaking of which, where's that money I asked you for? You didn't say no so it must mean yes!

Guide posted...

"And because you didn't lay it out beforehand, there's nothing you can do to change it now."

See how stupid that is? See?

I know, right? And I did lay our basic rules. I don't know where he got that from. I couldn't predict what he'd do so I didn't go on and on about every little tiny thing I could think of. I also gave him the benefit of the doubt that I wouldn't need to explain simple shit like "throw away trash in the trash can" and "use the toilet if you have to go to the bathroom". Smh this dude is crazy.

---

Telling him to clean up after himself is entirely reasonable, it's your house. Instead of saying he has a curfew I'd just say you're going to lock up the house at a certain time and if he can't make it home by then he needs to stay where he's at.

Basically the same thing as a curfew but sounds less like you're treating him like a child.

As far as stuff like the ride to work, honestly your bf should have just said he'll take him but he needs to give him more of a heads up in the future.

---

MrDrMan posted...

You set boundaries beforehand. You dont make them up as you go and then get upset when people dont abide by boundaries you never even set.

If common sense is trolling then sure Im trolling.

I actually have a roommate. He does plenty of stuff that gets on my nerves but I dont complain about it because thats what I signed up for. You keep saying he does this, he does that but you havent once acknowledged that you also could have handled it better by just setting expectations beforehand.

THAT is what means to actually be an adult.

I did set them beforehand, sillybuns. He's just unfocused so he doesn't remember them all the time.

Oh cool, so you DO have someone living on your dime! So, what do you do when you have to go to work and they just sit around all day? Since it's you, I guess they just play games all day, eat your food, and do whatever they want since, you know, it doesn't matter who pays for what. Man, what a sweet gig! I hope that doesn't get awkward for you when you're trying to sleep and they wanna stay up...

---

Bro youre complaining about a sock, being woken up and not giving him a ride but the fact that he even asked for a ride. This whole topic just stinks of superiority. Otherwise why are you so bothered about him asking a simple question?

Grow up and just tell him to leave or just accept that when you invite someone into your home your day to day life is going to change a little bit.

Notice how you keep bringing up rent, charity, living on your dime this and that when you were the one to say you didnt need money. Then why do you keep talking about it then? Pick one.

---

Solid Snake07 posted...

Telling him to clean up after himself is entirely reasonable, it's your house. Instead of saying he has a curfew I'd just say you're going to lock up the house at a certain time and if he can't make it home by then he needs to stay where he's at.

Basically the same thing as a curfew but sounds less like you're treating him like a child.

As far as stuff like the ride to work, honestly your bf should have just said he'll take him but he needs to give him more of a heads up in the future.

Yes, exactly! I just don't want his stuff all over the place. What am I supposed to do with it when I find something of his while doing my own chores, you know? I don't want to leave it, but I don't want to clean up after him, either. And I suppose I could approach it like that, yeah. It seems like a shuffling of words to me, but maybe the attitude would be more positive for him. It's worth a shot!

That's exactly what he did. He just got lucky that it was my boyfriend's day off and he wasn't going anywhere. And as much as it can be argued to say "let him do Uber", that's just more money he'd spend on rides and less money saved for his moving fund. He already had to repair his car and is now facing a big vet bill for his cat so the more money he saves on unnecessary expenses the better. He'll just be here longer if I leave him to flounder too much. As long as it doesn't go beyond that, it's ok as long as he asks first.

---

MrDrMan posted...

Bro youre complaining about a sock, being woken up and not giving him a ride but the fact that he even asked for a ride. This whole topic just stinks of superiority. Otherwise why are you so bothered about him asking a simple question?

Grow up and just tell him to leave or just accept that when you invite someone into your home your day to day life is going to change a little bit.

Notice how you keep bringing up rent, charity, living on your dime this and that when you were the one to say you didnt need money. Then why do you keep talking about it then? Pick one.

The sock is an example. It's not just socks, it's other clothes, food, bags, weed, his coat, and other stuff he leaves lying around. And the windows he leaves open when I'm running the heat. And other stuff like that. You're focusing on the wrong things, which isn't surprising. I'm guessing you're a slob too if you think it's ok to leave a bunch of shit all over the floor... and in the bathroom, kitchen, living room, dot dot dot.

And I have accepted some changes, like I've also welcomed his cat. I got lucky that his cat gets along with mine, but it was never my plan to get a second cat. I also accept him wanting to smoke weed all the time, even though I don't like the smell. I've accepted him hanging out in the space I usually occupy in the living room and watching football, even though I don't like sports and I'd rather watch cartoons or movies. If I didn't accept change, I'd tell him no on everything. Instead, I tell him no on reasonable things.

So is that a yes or a no on giving me some of your money? You clearly don't care about expenses so why not throw some around? Why are YOU so bothered about me asking a simple question? How about YOU pick one, man? Gimme dat money!!

---