Current Events > For those of you who can't get girlfriends, what do you think is the problem?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I feel like its so damn easy these days with the internet and all these apps.

Back in my day the main form of social media was facebook. Other than that you pretty much had to find girls irl and talk to them to get their numbers. I settled down during this era and got married. But I have so many friends that have used apps to find girlfriends and even get married. It doesn't seem that hard.

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For me, I just wanted to take a break from the whole thing, and get my life back on track. I have been in very short relationships in the past and they were never pleasant. I've used apps like POF, OkCupid and Tinder and its just full of lying manipulative people that have really skewed my trust. Plus where I'm in my mid-30s now I really don't have time for those types of people and would rather see myself become successful and happy before even thinking about settling down.

It's no longer the case for me, but back when I was basically an incel, I couldn't get a girlfriend because I lacked confidence and didn't participate meaningfully in society; didn't go out with friends, have hobbies, etc. That, in addition to the fact that I expected the women to automatically know that I liked them despite me not communicating that fact. Inability to communicate meaningfully was the biggest barrier.

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I'm a loser. No confidence or self esteem. No social life.

Idk, everything about me screams at people that I'm not worth their time.

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KogaSteelfang posted...

I'm a loser. No confidence or self esteem. No social life.

Idk, everything about me screams at people that I'm not worth their time.

Why don't you just change that? Work out, get a hobby other than video games to make friends

I used to be just like that and that's all I did. Found something outdoors I mildly liked, joined a club, got in shape, became normal

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If guys who have no experience with dating/relationships wanna get into it, just realize it is 100% a bunch of bullshit and personality testing...but women are just regular people too like you and it's not that big of a deal.

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I can only speak for myself, but for me, feeling content in the fact that I'm beholden to no one and can do whatever I want was trumping the risk that would come from opening myself up to people and the potential pain that could feasibly come. Yes, I could end up actually "happy" with my life, with someone to share everything with, but I could just as easily be more miserable if the compatibility wasn't there.

Also there's the self-loathing that makes you worry you're the person who would make others miserable. Having friends who support you can get you out of that (and got me out of that), but if you don't have that, it's a never-ending cycle of doubt in your own ability to contribute to a relationship.

Plus there's a fair amount of luck to it, which you counter by constantly putting yourself out there and never stopping, which can get exhausting and discouraging.

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My wife, biggest cock blocker I know

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i think its because i keep having sex with men

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Fear of getting hurt again after my last two passed away.

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Njolk posted...

Why don't you just change that?

I hope you realize how absolutely silly this question comes off as in regards to someone having deep-seated self-esteem problems. Even if you gave pointers afterwards
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I don't have the social skills to intimately pursue women and I'm not attractive enough to match on dating apps.

If you're old you don't get it, the internet made things harder for mediocre men because now they're competing with all the high tier men who are a click away on the apps. Back in the day you were only competing with the men in your local area.
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Getting into the dating is like learning how to swim. There's no easy way into it, you will feel like you're failing until you get a hang of it. Then you'll learn to float, then you'll learn to swim. I feel like people are just afraid to get in the pool. They dip their toes, feel that it's cold, then give up.

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Ivany2008 posted...

For me, I just wanted to take a break from the whole thing, and get my life back on track.

This, basically.

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I'm too nice, being a gentleman gets you nowhere today

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I get the feeling a lot of guys these days don't even try. Even with the apps and stuff, they're content to say fuck this, I'm not participating. It's definitely a self esteem thing.

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Protopet posted...

I get the feeling a lot of guys these days don't even try. Even with the apps and stuff, they're content to say fuck this, I'm not participating. It's definitely a self esteem thing.

Maybe because social media has painted unrealistic expectations of what it takes to actually attract a women?

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I don't really have the drive to try sometimes and when I get waves of depression I tend to get kind of aloof which puts people off...

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One_Day_Remains posted...

I hope you realize how absolutely silly this question comes off as in regards to someone having deep-seated self-esteem problems. Even if you gave pointers afterwards

I literally was this person, though

The difference is I tried

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Toxic Masculinity

I'm a much better "wife" in a relationship, and most women don't find that attractive. I'm a great cook, like doing house work and yard work, I'm awesome with kids. I'm much better staying at home and keeping the home life down while the person I love goes to work and makes the money and gets to home up to a relaxing, loving home after work.

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Purely speculation but it's the only thing that I can think of.

Back in preschool, I had a best friend. Our families liked each other and looking back it seemed like the kind of friendship that would last a long time. Well she moved. I never saw her again, I never talked to her again. My parents never got her info. That shit hurt. I'm starting to suspect that that deeply wounded me in a way I didn't even realize and is the reason I make friends easily but find it extremely hard to keep in touch. Why I can flirt in person but find it extremely hard to keep it through texting/calling. I may be subconsciously pushing back so that I don't get hurt like that again.

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Most of the girls online are fake scammers even on legitimate dating apps, on the plus side I did date a lady i met in a aol chat room in the late 90s

I've met my last 2 girlfriends on tinder and a few hook ups from that as well and girls I've met through work but otherwise I haven't really went out of my way to find a gf because I've never felt ready to provide that emotional and financial support.

I'd like to get my life together and learn to love myself before I can do that with someone else. I'm 31 now and most of my friends got engaged or married and I'm still living a single life. I think it's a self esteem issue along with social media false ideas of what a relationship should look like.

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Another big issues is that I never feel it's okay to flirt with girls, like I'm being a creep or something if I just kind of flirt like, "wow, your hair looks great like that," especially when it comes to them working. I would never hit on a coworker because of this, and I never hit on waitresses or cashiers. I don't hit on girls at the bar because I don't know how much they've had to drink. I wouldn't hit on someone I've known for a long time because I don't want to cross a boundary. I would never hit on a random girl walking up the street.

Not because of fear or rejection, but the fear of coming off as a creep or sexual harasser.

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Njolk posted...

I literally was this person, though

The difference is I tried

So if you were that person, you should know that it's not something that can be done in the flick of a switch

Also, self-esteem is way easier to tackle when you have actual friends and emotional support giving you encouragement. Expecting someone to sufficiently do that by themselves is stupid
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I havr a small weiner

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I've had a fair few hook-ups over the last while but I haven't met anyone who I'm interested in pursuing past that.

So I'm busy banging chubby moms TC, damn, cut me some slack.

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Dont really know how to talk to people outside of work and stuff. Im a shut-in.

I can't make regular friends (even on the internet), let alone a girlfriend.

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I already have one girlfriend I don't think I could handle more tbh
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KogaSteelfang posted...

I'm a loser. No confidence or self esteem. No social life.

Idk, everything about me screams at people that I'm not worth their time.

This but also if there is ever a lady who thinks it's a good idea to go out with me, I shut that shit down.

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DrizztLink posted...

I've had a fair few hook-ups over the last while but I haven't met anyone who I'm interested in pursuing past that.

At least you know you can attract someone.

DrizztLink posted...

So I'm busy banging chubby moms TC, damn, cut me some slack.

:/

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I am over 100lbs overweight and have an income of less than 12k a year so...that is pretty much why. My last girlfriend was an idiot and could not hold her own weight which caused me to end up with a felony and completely without money so i also live with my parents. Pretty sure finding a girl when you live with your folks at 30, have a mental disability, are 100lbs overweight, have no car, make less than poverty income level and have a criminal record is pretty difficult.

If anyone has some solutions besides praying i would love to hear them.

My wife.

Damn, #8 said it

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I don't put myself out there enough to meet new people.

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An app doesn't help you get a girlfriend, it adds extra steps.