Current Events > I think i am having an identity crisis

(+) Yeah! (+)

I do not know who i want to be.

This year i have a chance to start over, to become someone. I chose youtube to just do vlogs and ramble. I thought i wanted to be a video editor but i am not sure i can handle the pressure. I just want to be someone in this world.

I used to be somebody until my mental illness kicked in and turned me into this doubtful version of myself.

I see that so many of my peers have gone off and become super successful. Meanwhile i have actually spiraled downward. The worst part is that i used to be a mega douche and i have become a better person now, but its like i dunno...everything i know has crumbled.

You are, in fact, the weakest link.

I've been having a bit of this lately. I used to be ravenously curious about all things. Then a lot of responsibility happened, and I had to hustle and stress out a lot, and now that curious part of me feels burnt and blunted. Trying to force it is about all I can do. Sometimes I get the old spark back, today was pretty good.

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I'm a loser that never had a chance. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

Check out the enclosed instruction book.

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Guide posted...

I've been having a bit of this lately. I used to be ravenously curious about all things. Then a lot of responsibility happened, and I had to hustle and stress out a lot, and now that curious part of me feels burnt and blunted. Trying to force it is about all I can do. Sometimes I get the old spark back, today was pretty good.

I know how that is, i have a brain disorder so sometimes i feel in the zone and others not so much.

TrollTrace posted...

I know how that is, i have a brain disorder so sometimes i feel in the zone and others not so much.

Does that zone contribute to how you function now? For me it can stack. If I'm doing good, I feel good, which makes me do better, and the reverse is true, too. The issue is that momentum is harder to build in the right direction.

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Guide posted...

Does that zone contribute to how you function now? For me it can stack. If I'm doing good, I feel good, which makes me do better, and the reverse is true, too. The issue is that momentum is harder to build in the right direction.

No, i literally feel no momentum cuz i take antipsychotics. Everything is sort of mellow all the time and that gives me no highs which makes everything feel like monotonous work. Thats why i will psych myself out about something and set goals but accomplish them at a snails pace. I am literally home all day, on disability, all i have to do is a 30 minute tutorial to educate myself and i cannot even do that.

I will be lucky if i do a 30 minute tutorial in 2 weeks for example. Even though nothing is stopping me except my brain.

Avolition doesn't get enough attention. It's not depression or lack of capacity, it's just... not being able to care, even when you want to care,

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Guide posted...

Avolition doesn't get enough attention. It's not depression or lack of capacity, it's just... not being able to care, even when you want to care,

I do care, i understand i need to lose weight, i understand i need to eat healthy. Its more like i am not in control of my own behavior.

Gamefaqs is one of the few places i can be myself sort of without a filter and even then i try to be mindful because everything here seems to get under somebodies skin.

We have become reactionary to reactionaries.

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I do not know what that means so i will agree.

Better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody

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TrollTrace posted...

I do not know what that means so i will agree.

Eh, I don't wanna bring politics into this. put simply, a lot of people are looking for the worst in others, to the point of misinterpreting things in the worst way possible, and attacking that without really thinking.

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refmon posted...

Better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody

Thats what i feel a lot of people are like. Fake somebodies. I know guys who have reached the epitome of their fields who are mediocre, they have awards and medals to show for it and everything. I do not see how you can be legitimately proud of yourself knowing there are guys who have not traversed the political spectrum the former had to with less than 2 years experience but 10x the talent. It makes zero sense to me.

Thepoint is to be a real somebody, and you can be a real somebody but things just have to align. I used to be a well known name 10 years ago when esports were just starting out, so it hurts when you fall from grace and go from real somebody to real nobody.

Guide posted...

Eh, I don't wanna bring politics into this. put simply, a lot of people are looking for the worst in others, to the point of misinterpreting things in the worst way possible, and attacking that without really thinking.

Yeah i have noticed, i just block trolls now. Or people who make me feel like crap. Like, whats thepoint in having them? The weird thing is whenguys have nothing better to do than to keep creating emails and alts, that behavior is downright stalkerish.

YouTube is good, even if you dont get a milllion views or make money if you find yourself enjoying it you should keep making vlogs

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ncsonic posted...

YouTube is good, even if you dont get a milllion views or make money if you find yourself enjoying it you should keep making vlogs

I do enjoy it. I went through a period of attention when i resurfaced after 10 years. I nearly got 2k views in the month of february, but now ill be lucky to get 300 views in a month if i put out 30 videos.

TrollTrace posted...

No, i literally feel no momentum cuz i take antipsychotics. Everything is sort of mellow all the time and that gives me no highs which makes everything feel like monotonous work. Thats why i will psych myself out about something and set goals but accomplish them at a snails pace. I am literally home all day, on disability, all i have to do is a 30 minute tutorial to educate myself and i cannot even do that.

I will be lucky if i do a 30 minute tutorial in 2 weeks for example. Even though nothing is stopping me except my brain.

You doing one task a day you actually want to do is more than 90% of the planet actually do. Baby steps are fuck ton better than not any.

Get routines going. It's not a fair comparison but everyone has ruts; most people are not 'in the zone' more than fractions of their lives. Will is something you have to fucking summon. For me it was quitting drinking and just taking time every day to accomplish basic stuff to slowly piece things together. I still do it every day.

Sticking to your strengths is always good. Did you produce and film your own content? Keeping that stuff up is always good. I sit down and play music EVERY SINGLE DAY. I always make time for it, and then I can at least say I did that. Put time into what you want to do, in one form or another. If you're still figuring it out than try to make a step in the right direction. You're on disability, so all you have is time. Even once a week or two weeks is better than nothing.

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