Current Events > You know what? I absolutely HATE the Mola Mola fish.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Disclaimer: I care about marine life more than I care about anything else on this planet, for real. Except for this big dumb idiot. And its not like an "ironic" thing, I mean, it IS hilarious to me and they ARE the biggest joke played on Earth, but I seriously fucking hate them. The Mola Mola fish, or Ocean Sunfush, is the worlds largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. And with no purpose. Every pound of this fish is a wasted pound, and every foot of it (10 x 14) is wasted space.

They are so completely useless that scientists even debate how they move around. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They could use their back fin, except guess what, it doesn't fucking grow. It just continually folds in on itself, so while the cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesnt put them where they need to fucking go. So they dont have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesnt just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up? This creature, which can barely move to begin with, can LITERALLY never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean, or itll fucking sink. EXCEPT, EXCEPT when they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently, because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, he's shit outta luck. There is no creature on this planet that needs a swim bladder more than this slap in the face of nature, AND YET, some biologists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the Sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the Sun, I guess.

But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because its basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons? Well if they're so huge, they must at least be decent predators! No. Just stop. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of at least one person before, because one of them jumped into a boat, on a human. And in 2005 it decided to re-live its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four year old boy. Luckily he sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job. Oh, and they mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they eat has zero nutritional value, and because its so stupidly big, it has to eat a ton of the stuff to stay alive. So dumb.

It has a ridiculous looking mouth that hangs open, as if to say, Oh no! What could have happened? How could this be? Don't let that expression fool you. They just dont have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and you know what, it's actually good that it floats around with such an idiotic expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all hell. They do sometimes get eaten though, but hardly. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead will usually just maim them for laughs. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them.

Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us. Yes, I know that. Thank you. But if theyre so bad at literally everything, why havent they gone extinct? Excellent question. It's because THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT ITS DOING MAYBE THE WORST POSSIBLE JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER ORGANISM. So what does it do? It lays the most eggs out of everything. Well, besides some insects, there are some ants and stuff thatll lay more. But IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDN'T BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is, EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. And this concludes why I hate this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one in person, I will punch it in the face.

This would be the perfect post if it included pics.

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I remember this from reddit.

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