Board 8 > Anagram Ranks 145 Waifus

(+) Yeah! (+)

There will be unmarked spoilers ahead for the series of any waifu in question. I will only include spoilers from that waifu's series in her write-up, so if you see a waifu from a series you want to experience later, you can just abort when you see her name.

It's finally time for all of your favorite waifus, and all of your favorite obscure joke nominations, to be unfairly judged by someone familiar with like 50% of them, tops. Waifus will be judged by taking the average of three categories, labeled Waifu Vectors. Using this extremely scientific method, we can finally settle once and for all what Board 8's best waifu is. I should warn you, however, that this method of analysis means that the majority of waifus have scores in the 40-70 range, and only a very few are at the extremes. Let me be clear: this 1-100 scale is not meant to map to a letter grading system. Waifus with scores of 70+ would be 8/10 at the least in a normal system, and waifus with 77+ are like 9/10s or even 10/10s.

• Attractiveness: The simplest vector, this determines how physically attractive a waifu is. Little warning, I do account for the visual style of the series, so a waifu from a series with really ugly art is going to suffer for it.
• Personality: This vector determines how non-evil the waifu is, how good she is at conversation, etc.
• Girlfriendness: This vector is to determine what being in a relationship with the waifu would actually be like. Waifus with an actual job have a huge advantage over waifus who are like adventurers or something.

I'm not gonna lie to you guys: I've done research for waifus whose series I don't know, but waifus I already knew had a nontrivial advantage in every category except looks.

The full list of waifu nominations can be found here.
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1_hmACUjrmkaCqVMpgVQymzYH_ra__psryHWHa6kC-WA/edit?usp=sharing

I told all of this to you in the nominations topic... What I didn't tell you is that I was also secretly tallying the physical attributes of nominated waifus. Using these numbers, we can finally determine what kinds of waifus Board 8 prefers!

Medium
Video Game: 84
Anime/Manga: 38
Cartoon: 9
Comic: 3
Film: 3
Television: 3
Card Game: 2
Advertisement: 1
Analysis: No surprises here, Board 8 loves its video games and weeaboo pictures.

Reality
Not Live-Action: 140
Live-Action: 5
Analysis: Poor live-action waifus are clearly underappreciated. And one of them is Mothra, which is really pushing the definition of live-action.

Age
<15: 10
15-19: 62
20-29: 58
30-39: 5
40-49: 2
50-59: 1
Unclear: 5
Analysis: Almost exactly half of the nominated waifus are underage... something you want to tell me, Board 8? By the way, if a waifu didn't have an official age, I just guessed. Immortal waifus were counted as the age they appear, so if your waifu is a thousand years old but looks sixteen, that's what I counted her as.

Race / Species
Human:
White: 61
Asian: 58
Latino: 3
Arab: 2
Indian: 1
White or Asian depending on localization: 2
Analysis: More like racistfaqs, am I right? Just to be clear, if you have an ambiguous anime ethnicity but have a Japanese name, then I counted you as Asian for list purposes. I also counted things that aren't human but still look human as being human except for pokemon, which I counted as furries.

Nonhuman:
Furry: 9
Animal: 2
Alien: 1
Vegetation: 1
Eldritch Monster: 1
Robot: 1
Unclear: 1
Analysis: I was surprised by how many furry nominations we got.

Eyes
Blue: 43
Brown: 27
Green: 22
Red: 11
Black: 9
Yellow: 9
Purple: 8
Gray: 5
Pink: 3
Heterochromia: 1
White: 1
Unclear: 1
Analysis: Not much to take away from this. except that red and yellow eyes show up much more often than I expected.

Hair
Blonde: 26
Red: 24
Brown: 22
Black: 19
Purple: 12
Blue: 7
Green: 7
Pink: 6
White: 6
None: 3
Silver: 3
Yellow: 2
Gray: 1
Unclear: 1
Analysis: It is shocking how common red hair is in fiction relative to reality. If you were an alien whose only exposure to Earth is stuff we beamed into space, you'd think redheads are at least 20% of the planet.

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The actual ranking of waifus will begin whenever I feel like it, probably later today.

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Tag.
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also tag

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ya go my waifus

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Is the one advertisement that insurance spy girl thing

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Hell yeah waifus
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_stingers_ posted...

Is the one advertisement that insurance spy girl thing

No, though that would have been a great nom. It's actually Wendy.

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Predix:

#1: Mothra
#2-145: who cares not Mothra

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tag

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Anagram posted...

No, though that would have been a great nom. It's actually Wendy.

are you rating the logo or the real Wendy

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Tag

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Tag

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LeonhartFour posted...

are you rating the logo or the real Wendy

I went with the logo because it's more famous.

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Tag

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And so, the much fought-after position of last place goes to none other than...

145. Jynx

Nominator: WarTheNemesis2
Personal Familiarity: Yes
Attractiveness: 12 (142/145)
Personality: 30 (137/145 tie)
Girlfriendness: 33 (120/145 tie)
Overall Waifu Score: 25/100
Every big project topic like this always has a few people gunning for last place. Some of the entries surprised me, while others did not. Jynx falls into the category of surprised me, but probably shouldnt have. There are pokewaifus that probably would have done alright in this topic due to the triple ranking system, like Gardevoir or Lilligant, but Jynx is certainly not one of them.

Lets talk about her looks, first. Lets even interpret her design with the most generous lens possible and just assume its a gyaru thing. Can I just say that gyaru is like the ugliest fashion? Any waifu whos into gyaru is getting a penalty. Anyway, Jynx is comically short, kind of fat, and has no nose. I didnt realize before how much I value noses in my waifus. Krillin would be a terrible waifu for this reason.

Personality-wise, nope. Again, shes into gyaru and causing minor international controversies, which are not qualities I look for in a waifu. But even ignoring that, just look at her abilities. Oblivious? Dry Skin? Forewarn? First of all, if youre a waifu, and youre explicitly oblivious, youd better be the cute type of oblivious, which Jynx is not. Permanent dry skin? No thanks. And forewarn? I do not need my waifu to constantly get updates on what my moveset is, thats going to be nothing but trouble.

Even Jynxs Girlfriendness score is low. She can go into a pokeball, which is a neat party trick and lets you fit one more person into a car, but thats worth like two points, maximum. Samus somehow didnt get nominated, but if she had, that wouldnt be a big boost to her, either. The most damning issues for Jynx are that, according to the Pokedex, she speaks a language thats incomprehensible even among pokemon, and she can force people to dance by wiggling her hips at them. Combine that with being an ice-type, so she probably has an uncomfortably low body temperature, and this is just asking for trouble. And lets not even talk about the possibility of Smoochum in the future.

Overall, Jynx is an extremely weak waifu. Possibly not the worst out there, but definitely the worst nominated for this topic.

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tag

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Tag.

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Cold and dry. Not really cuddling material.

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Tag

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Tag
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It's important to note that this means 9 of the group of girls under 15 and Mothra are above Jynx in attractiveness.

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What makes you think Mothra's above Jynx?
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Tag

Mac Arrowny posted...

What makes you think Mothra's above Jynx?

You'll find out once we get to Mothra!

144. Mother Brain

Series: Captain N: The Game Master
Nominator: Raetsel_Lapin (3/4 remaining)
Personal Familiarity: No
Attractiveness: 2 (145/145)
Personality: 10 (144/145 tie)
Girlfriendness: 71 (36/145 tie)
Overall Waifu Score: 27.6/100
Hair: Gray
Eyes: Yellow
Race: Eldritch Monster
Age: Unclear
Medium: Video Game
Mother Brain is a classic bomb to drop into a waifu topic, and with good reason. Theres no way youd ever have a villain like this in a modern kid show. How did this show even get made? Like, really, no company today would loan out their IPs like late 80s Nintendo did.

Well, as far as looks go, I gave her a 2/100, on the grounds that there might theoretically be someone uglier out there, though I dont know who it could be. Everything about her is designed to be hideous, including the jaundiced eyes, super thin eyelashes, weird, wavy mouth, and hole where a nose should be. And lets not forget how she doesnt actually have a head, just a face. Shes so ugly that she shatters mirrors by looking at them. Thats canon.

Personality-wise, again, shes just the worst. Shes extraordinarily evil, wants to take over the universe, is cruel, mean-spirited, impatient, and extremely stupid. How can she stand these people? And her voice sounds like a middle-aged man doing an impression of a Disney villainess, which is what is actually the case.

However, Mother Brain makes up a lot for this in Girlfriendness. If you could somehow tolerate all of her many other flaws, and the fact that she doesnt have a body, shes the head of the Forces of Chaos, a big organization that can threaten the entire universe. Shes clearly loaded, shes got a huge castle with a billion servants, including Doctor Wily, and the one episode of Captain N Ive watched did not have act especially demanding toward her boyfriend, so yeah, shes surprisingly on-point here.

Overall, Mother Brain has one strength, but a million weaknesses. That strength is actually pretty good, and it gives her the edge over Jynx, but in the end, Im afraid its still not enough to propel her above an F in waifu status.

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Anagram posted...

Hair: Gray

Mother Brain has hair?

Jesse_Custer posted...

Mother Brain has hair?

I may have been looking at that gray thing behind the brain and spine when I wrote that.

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....... you mean the cerebellum?

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What creature was mother brain the brain of? Deep thoughts.

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MrSmartGuy posted...

....... you mean the cerebellum?

Derppppppp

Look, I made those categories super fast while plowing through pictures, they may not be 100% accurate.

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It's what passes for hair in this case.

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143. Elaine Parks

Series: The Love Witch
Nominator: Snake5555555555 (3/4 remaining)
Personal Familiarity: Yes
Attractiveness: 59 (91/145 tie)
Personality: 24 (143/145)
Girlfriendness: 11 (144/145)
Overall Waifu Score: 31.3
Hair: Brown (21/22 remaining)
Eyes: Brown (26/27 remaining)
Race: White (60/61 remaining)
Age: 20-29 (57/58 remaining)
Medium: Film (2/3 remaining)

Elaine Parks (I keep wanting to write Benes) has the dubious honor of being both our first human and our first live-action waifu to drop. She also has the less dubious honor of being one of the few waifus I went and watched an entire movie for for this list for others, I watched an episode or looked up some clips, but I actually watched this movie.

I guess this is subjective, but its my list, so Im going to say it: any girl whose primary method of making money involves murdering her husbands is not the ideal waifu. Add to that how her main method of finding new boyfriends involves cursing them with magic and drugging them, and how she deals with rejection by stabbing you to death and just imagining shes having a wedding, and I am sad to say that shes low-tier in both personality and girlfriendness. As a character, she has sympathetic qualities, and as a film, I get what the movie is trying to say, but I guess one of the things Im looking for in a waifu specifically is an unstated agreement not to murder me with a ceremonial Satanic blade, and Elaine just doesnt meet that minimum requirement.

Also, and again this is subjective, I think the character is less attractive than the normal actress? Elaine is always wearing this heavy blue eyeliner, but the normal actress looks better without it. Tell me Im wrong.


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What does it say about me that I wouldn't even care? XD

I think both the character and actress look great! I love Elaine's outfits and I think she can be pretty adorable outside of the whole drugging & murdering thing.

I'm just happy you watched the movie too, did you like it overall?

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Snake5555555555 posted...

I'm just happy you watched the movie too, did you like it overall?

I enjoyed the film as a story, and I thought its themes were interesting. I learned more about witch bottles than I think I ever needed to know, though.

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142. Dot Warner

Series: Animaniacs
Nominator: Eddv (3/4 remaining)
Personal Familiarity: Yes
Attractiveness: 34 (139/145)
Personality: 30 (138/145 tie)
Girlfriendness: 44 (96/145 tie)
Overall Waifu Score: 36
Hair: Black (18/19 remaining)
Eyes: Black (8/9 remaining)
Race: Furry (8/9 remaining)
Age: <15 (9/10 remaining)
Medium: Cartoon (7/9 remaining)

Before I go on, I want to say this: it took my until I was in my thirties to realize that in the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot, Dots name referred to the period in Warner Bros.

So, Dots got the same problem that basically any classic cartoon character would have: theyre all really annoying. As a character meant to entertain, she does her job well, but can you imagine being around this person for more than one minute? Even ignoring the physical abuse shed put you through, imagine being with someone who thinks its witty to respond to every single thing you say with some kind of comeback or sarcastic quip. It would be like dating Iron Man or Bugs Bunny. Dot would be the most intolerable girlfriend ever. I know people like that, and its only caused my ability to deal with that kind of constant quippage to go down over time.

This is to say nothing of what Dot actually does with her time: she runs around the Warner Bros. lot and causes mayhem. Now, I already live in LA, so this is actually not a problem for me as far as location goes, that place is like twenty minutes from me. But this is just going to be nonstop trouble. And hey, Ill just say it: sometimes you want space, sometimes you dont want your girlfriend right up in your face 100% of the time, and Dot has a provable history of being locked out of a place and then just appearing in it with cartoon physics.

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Look i cant be held responsible for your commitment issues man.

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Anagram posted...

in the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot, Dots name referred to the period in Warner Bros.

Wait, what?

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Anagram posted...

Before I go on, I want to say this: it took my until I was in my thirties to realize that in the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot, Dots name referred to the period in Warner Bros.

big if true

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azuarc posted...

Wait, what?

FL81 posted...

big if true

Blew my mind to realize it.

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141. Fang
Series: Primal
Nominator: Pirateking2000 (3/4 remaining)
Personal Familiarity: No
Attractiveness: 19 (141/145)
Personality: 65 (44/145)
Girlfriendness: 31 (114/145)
Overall Waifu Score: 38.3
Hair: None (0/1 remaining)
Eyes: Yellow (7/9 remaining)
Race: Animal (1/2 remaining)
Age: Unclear (4/5 remaining)
Medium: Cartoon (6/9 remaining)

If I had a category for most random waifu nominations, Fang would probably win. Not just an animal, but a T-Rex, at that. Are dinosaurs the most done animal type for movies? Has there been a single good dinosaur movie since Jurassic Park?

Anyway, Fang. As far as T-Rexes go, fairly sexy. Which is to say, not tremendously sexy overall. I do like her stripe patterns, but the distinct lack of feathers signals to me that theres something wrong with her.

She makes up for this a lot with personality. Caring, loyal, and brave, which are all good qualities in a waifu and a person. Normally Im not super into revenge, but when she goes for revenge after her children are murdered, well, okay, thats reasonable.

Girlfriendness is a mixed bag. I imagine most of Fangs time is going to be spent prowling the jungle for prey, which is something Im not going to be able to really connect with her on. Shes also too tall and wide to fit into most doors. On the other hand, shes clearly a hard worker and very dedicated to what she thinks is important, so a relationship is probably still possible.

Overall, I think the inherent difficulties in forming a meaningful emotional connection between a large, bipedal carnivore and a typical urban human is going to doom this relationship before it starts, sorry.

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140. Eliza Faust

Series: Shaman King
Nominator: LavaLord (3/4 remaining)
Personal Familiarity: No
Attractiveness: 39 (135/145)
Personality: 51 (94/145 tie)
Girlfriendness: 26 (134/145 tie)
Overall Waifu Score: 38.6
Hair: Blonde (24/26 remaining)
Eyes: Blue (42/43 remaining)
Race: White (59/61 remaining)
Age: 20-29 (57/58 remaining)
Medium: Anime (37/38 remaining)

Eliza Faust is a difficult waifu to really rank. On the one hand, shes a trained nurse, loving happy, and smart. On the other hand, she died and was resurrected as a semi-sentient animated corpse. Eventually she reaches a point where her soul can be called, but Im not going to lie, this is all a huge dealbreaker for me. Also, she apparently cant talk, or can only barely talk (saying only one line after she dies). Thats also something of a hit against her. Call me old-fashioned, but I like my waifus able to, yknow, communicate. Add to that that the style this art is drawn is just kind of ugly, and a waifu who really could have hit the upper half of the list is knocked way, way below where she probably deserves to be.

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Anagram posted...

141. Fang
Series: Primal
Nominator: Pirateking2000 (3/4 remaining)
Personal Familiarity: No
Attractiveness: 19 (141/145)
Personality: 65 (44/145)
Girlfriendness: 31 (114/145)
Overall Waifu Score: 38.3
Hair: None (0/1 remaining)
Eyes: Yellow (7/9 remaining)
Race: Animal (1/2 remaining)
Age: Unclear (4/5 remaining)
Medium: Cartoon (6/9 remaining)

If I had a category for most random waifu nominations, Fang would probably win. Not just an animal, but a T-Rex, at that. Are dinosaurs the most done animal type for movies? Has there been a single good dinosaur movie since Jurassic Park?

Anyway, Fang. As far as T-Rexes go, fairly sexy. Which is to say, not tremendously sexy overall. I do like her stripe patterns, but the distinct lack of feathers signals to me that theres something wrong with her.

She makes up for this a lot with personality. Caring, loyal, and brave, which are all good qualities in a waifu and a person. Normally Im not super into revenge, but when she goes for revenge after her children are murdered, well, okay, thats reasonable.

Girlfriendness is a mixed bag. I imagine most of Fangs time is going to be spent prowling the jungle for prey, which is something Im not going to be able to really connect with her on. Shes also too tall and wide to fit into most doors. On the other hand, shes clearly a hard worker and very dedicated to what she thinks is important, so a relationship is probably still possible.

Overall, I think the inherent difficulties in forming a meaningful emotional connection between a large, bipedal carnivore and a typical urban human is going to doom this relationship before it starts, sorry.

Well, if you spend enough time with her, Im sure youll be a part of her life forever.

We need a pic of FANG

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not my type

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WarThaNemesis2 posted...

We need a pic of FANG

Whoops!


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