Poll of the Day > Whats a good way to improve my social skills?

(+) Yeah! (+)

So I know why I used to get rejected by girls, and worked on those things. I weigh less than I ever have in my adult life, I'm more hygienic/cleaner than I ever have and my confidence is the best it ever has been, but I still get rejected.

I assume that the problem now is my social skills (or my ugly face, but there's no fixing that) so what's a good way to improve that?

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Maybe use grindr?

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don't; plague.

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If you're just looking for a relationship, it's more specific than just social skills. Just hire a relationship or dating coach after COVID ends.

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I would recommend those events where you meet a bunch of people over the course of an hour

That way youd get more comfortable and more confident introducing yourself and talking about what kind of person youre looking for. Im sure it would be awkward at first but eventually that ice would break.

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Mead posted...

I would recommend those events where you meet a bunch of people over the course of an hour

The thought of this just terrifies me. Ive been invited by a couple of friends to speed dating, theyve both got lucky from these. But yeah the idea of going to one of them gives me such anxiety yikes

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I'd say the best place to start right now with covid and all is to maybe hop on discord voice with groups of men and women to "hang out" playing stuff and do not try to strike up relationships with anybody female. Just keep it casual and be friends with everybody. Don't be that weird guy. It'll get you outta any awkward around women issues, hopefully. Dudes that only really associate with other dudes get this sorta strange, uncontrollable desperation vibe the odd time they are around chicks. Not that they are creepy guys or bad or anything, but it's just nervousness or something and it can sorta suck the soul outta the room depending.

@Muscles
As someone with mild autism I have had to practice social skills since they dont come to me naturally.

First off, it is helpful to be in a job where you have to interact with customers to fight things like anxiety or shy behaviors. This is a good starter because you know you have to do it, its required and easy because all you have to do is be polite and helpful.

Second thing is just watch a life improvement channel, like Charisma on Command:
https://www.youtube.com/c/Charismaoncommand/videos

There are very small things you need to do like how your body posture is and how you present yourself.

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FatalAccident posted...

The thought of this just terrifies me. Ive been invited by a couple of friends to speed dating, theyve both got lucky from these. But yeah the idea of going to one of them gives me such anxiety yikes

its like a roller coaster kinda

while youre going up the hill its really scary but eventually the drop happens and you realize its really fun

social interactions can be similar for some people. They find talking to people uncomfortable so they just avoid it and stay bad at it. But if you just kinda keep forcing yourself to do it you get more comfortable about it and stop giving so many fucks about what other people are thinking

If you get to that point it actually becomes kinda fun to meet people and casually talk to them and just be reminded of how many different kinds of people there are and how their view of the world might be completely different from the world you live in

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Don't dwell and don't bogart conversation.

Ask questions.

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Isn't Charisma on Command one of those alt-right gateway channels

That's all I had to say cause I don't really know, I'm not great at socializing myself either. There isn't some magic formula to it that works for everyone.

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dud posted...

Isn't Charisma on Command one of those alt-right gateway channels

lmao

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dud posted...

Isn't Charisma on Command one of those alt-right gateway channels

dont know about that one in particular but self-help as a genre tends to be pretty conservative leaning. not many degrees of separation between that and PUA type stuff

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Ive never had Charisma on Command tell me anything remotely political.

Its just how you present yourself, body posture, psychological stuff.

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Mead posted...

I would recommend those events where you meet a bunch of people over the course of an hour

That way youd get more comfortable and more confident introducing yourself and talking about what kind of person youre looking for. Im sure it would be awkward at first but eventually that ice would break.

I'll have to try that after covid, I wonder if there's any around me or if I would have to go to the city

Raddest_Chad posted...

I'd say the best place to start right now with covid and all is to maybe hop on discord voice with groups of men and women to "hang out" playing stuff and do not try to strike up relationships with anybody female. Just keep it casual and be friends with everybody. Don't be that weird guy. It'll get you outta any awkward around women issues, hopefully. Dudes that only really associate with other dudes get this sorta strange, uncontrollable desperation vibe the odd time they are around chicks. Not that they are creepy guys or bad or anything, but it's just nervousness or something and it can sorta suck the soul outta the room depending.

I'll have to look into that, but I have female friends so that hasn't been a problem,l. It's just really when I'm into a girl and start getting tongue tied around her that I feel it becomes a problem

deoxxys posted...

@Muscles
As someone with mild autism I have had to practice social skills since they dont come to me naturally.

First off, it is helpful to be in a job where you have to interact with customers to fight things like anxiety or shy behaviors. This is a good starter because you know you have to do it, its required and easy because all you have to do is be polite and helpful.

Second thing is just watch a life improvement channel, like Charisma on Command:
https://www.youtube.com/c/Charismaoncommand/videos

There are very small things you need to do like how your body posture is and how you present yourself.

I do work in a job where I interact with customers occasionally but my issue has never been conversating with customers/coworkers (at least not since my first job). Honestly it seems like my issues are specifically with asking girls out

SunWuKung420 posted...

Don't dwell and don't bogart conversation.

Ask questions.

Ohh trust me, I try to always keep any conversation on the other person

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Muscles posted...

Ohh trust me, I try to always keep any conversation on the other person

Trying to relate is a good idea.

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Put more stat points into charisma after a respec.

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Huh they make those clickbaity video titles talking about how awesome Jordan Peterson and Ben Shaprio are. I've seen those in my recommended before actually, cause I thought they sounded familiar, even though I never watch that kind of crap. Totally not political though

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*shrug* Trying to think of things others haven't mentioned... Um... outside of video games, do you have any hobbies?

dud posted...

how awesome Jordan Peterson and Ben Shaprio are.

Yeah, don't take advice from anyone who references folks like these buffoons, btw.

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dud posted...

Huh they make those clickbaity video titles talking about how awesome Jordan Peterson and Ben Shaprio are. I've seen those in my recommended before actually, cause I thought they sounded familiar, even though I never watch that kind of crap. Totally not political though

wow two whole videos, theres a lot of celebrities they focus on a certain trait to try to use.

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Gaawa_chan posted...

Yeah, don't take advice from pick-up artists or anyone as far to the Right as these buffoons, btw. You don't want to confuse people who genuinely want to help with people who are out for your pocket-book or people who are wanting to twist your mind to suit their political agenda.

To be fair, it's pretty much all bullshit, politics aside. I'm not saying it's all bad advice or that it never helps people, but fundamentally it's still an industry driven primarily by monetary interests. Most self-help outcomes end up being more about people patting themselves on the back and thinking they've done something when they really haven't, cause you can't just reduce human psychology to so little. Like they tell you to be confident and shit, and that's like, duh? I think that's common sense to most people, but you can't just wake up one day and solve personaly confidence.

deoxxys posted...

wow two whole videos, theres a lot of celebrities they focus on a certain trait to try to use.

Those guys really stretch the definition of "celebrity", they're YT alt-lite darlings who have benefited from its twisted recommendation system, and this guy is trying to take advantage of it which is scummy given their bigoted politics. And it would be one thing if they were just actors or something who happened to have whatever political views, but they're people whose career relevance is politics.

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dud posted...

To be fair, it's pretty much all bullshit, politics aside. I'm not saying it's all bad advice or that it never helps people, but fundamentally it's still an industry driven primarily by monetary interests. Most self-help outcomes end up being more about people patting themselves on the back and thinking they've done something when they really haven't, cause you can't just reduce human psychology to so little. Like they tell you to be confident and shit, and that's like, duh? I think that's common sense to most people, but you can't just wake up one day and solve personaly confidence.

It's weird to me that some people spend so much money on self-help when they could spend all that money on therapy instead. Like... if you have the money to blow, why waste it on shitty self-help books and not get actual professional assistance?

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Gaawa_chan posted...

It's hard to judge exactly what measures you can take because I don't know how large your off-line social sphere is or what kind of place you live in and how extroverted/introverted you are. Advice shifts depending on these factors quite a bit. *shrug* Trying to think of things others haven't mentioned... Um... outside of video games, do you have any hobbies?

Yeah, don't take advice from pick-up artists or anyone as far to the Right as these buffoons, btw. You don't want to confuse people who genuinely want to help with people who are out for your pocket-book or people who are wanting to twist your mind to suit their political agenda.

I have a few friends, not a huge circle but I don't feel like I'm lacking in friendship. I'm pretty introverted but not afraid to talk to people. As far as other hobbies, I like to read.

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Muscles posted...

I have a few friends, not a huge circle but I don't feel like I'm lacking in friendship. I'm pretty introverted but not afraid to talk to people. As far as other hobbies, I like to read.

(This is assuming you are not interested in online dating, which is completely understandable)

I'm not the best person to ask, but my sisters usually had long-term relationships originating from prospects recommended to them by friends. This may seem like a bit of an odd take, but I think one thing you could do to increase your chances of finding someone is to simply expand your general sphere of friends/acquaintances. If you can develop a good reputation among people in general, and then tell them that you're looking for a relationship but you feel like you've had no luck finding anyone on your own, your friends will actively help you look about for single women of similar interests (especially female friends, btw. If you become friends with women, get a good reputation with them as being a cool guy, there's a pretty good chance that they'll help you find someone if you ask them... maybe broach the topic with a woman who's already in a relationship so you don't accidentally "friend-zone" someone? idk?).

After the pandemic is over, take a look around your town and see if there are any organizations that cater to your interests/hobbies, like book clubs, etc. You're not necessarily fishing for dates so much as you are connections in general. This is easier to do if you live in a city but even small towns tend to have SOMETHING worth poking your head into. If there's nothing catering to your pre-existing interests, move on to see if there's anything you've never tried before that seems like it could be fun or useful to try out; cultivating even mild interest in a variety of things will make it much easier for you to find and talk to people.

This is, admittedly, tougher for introverts. :(

If you're not too confident in your social skills, it really does take practice. You'll get better as you do it more, and doing it less can erode your social skills in turn. Aiming for just making more friends/acquaintances is a good way to ease the pressure on things while getting more practice in.

If you want some more specific advice... try not to be too self-deprecating when talking to folks who don't know you that well. Don't neg (if someone tells you to neg, don't listen to anything else they have to say; pickup artists are basically sabotaging your ability to healthily interact with other people when they do that). Try to avoid lying as much as possible; it's usually not worth it. And try to remember when you get rejected that the odds are extremely low that you're the reason why. I can think of dozens of reasons off the top of my head why someone would reject someone else with it having nothing to do with the person asking.

I wish I could give you better advice, but tbh this is most definitely not my area of expertise. I'm better at telling people what they shouldn't do rather than what they should when it comes to this subject. :-/

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Confidence & Sense of Humor

If you sound sure of yourself and can make people laugh (with you, not at you), you're golden.

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Gaawa_chan posted...

Yeah, don't take advice from pick-up artists...

I always forget how much of a thing that became for a little while... It's hard to believe that happened. And it's funny (see: sad) that some of those guys still exist.

dud posted...

Those guys really stretch the definition of "celebrity", they're YT alt-lite darlings who have benefited from its twisted recommendation system, and this guy is trying to take advantage of it which is scummy given their bigoted politics. And it would be one thing if they were just actors or something who happened to have whatever political views, but they're people whose career relevance is politics.

They spotlight spiderman actor, at some point, hes quirky.

So do you have any evidence of any biggoted things this channel has EVER said? Or you just kind of judging them based off 1 or two personalities they pick out a specific trait to spotlight?

I dont know if you sound like you have ever watched one of their videos to be honest, the videos are never about converting people to a political view XD, its shit like this:

• "keep a good posture"
• "a good coverall question to ask in awkward situations"
• "maintain a 80/20 or 75/25 eye contact ratio."

Just pretty tame stuff like that.

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For starters ya need to stop looking at the opposite sex as only for relationships. Thats just show youre thinking with the wrong head. Also share more about yourself instead of letting others fill in conversations about themselves. It can come off weird.

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A gun.

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SunWuKung420 posted...

Don't dwell and don't bogart conversation.

Ask questions.

Radical word choice.

dud posted...

Isn't Charisma on Command one of those alt-right gateway channels

That's all I had to say cause I don't really know, I'm not great at socializing myself either. There isn't some magic formula to it that works for everyone.

I tried watching a few of the clickbait videos in the past and, while the whole thing has a very culti-ish feel, I remember getting more of an alt-left impression.

TheWitchMorgana posted...

dont know about that one in particular but self-help as a genre tends to be pretty conservative leaning. not many degrees of separation between that and PUA type stuff

...lol

As for self-help and conservatism, I suppose to a certain extent we associate people wanting to better themselves with conservatism whereas people wanting government to do it for them with liberalism. However, both sides of the political spectrum have self-starters and it's somewhat silly to suggest that things like personal accountability and ambition are solely conservative, especially since that suggestion is a backhanded diss at liberals.

dud posted...

Huh they make those clickbaity video titles talking about how awesome Jordan Peterson and Ben Shaprio are. I've seen those in my recommended before actually, cause I thought they sounded familiar, even though I never watch that kind of crap. Totally not political though

...and a simple search shows that they also have videos for alt-left personalities like fucking Sam Harris. Seriously, could you try to misinform people any harder?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjGBfrlhMEw

And oh look, he has a clickbait video for Obama. Remind me when Obama became an alt-right darling?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3aWbte8DxU

It's pretty clear he's just doing clickbait in general to cast a wide net for subscribers.

Gaawa_chan posted...

It's weird to me that some people spend so much money on self-help when they could spend all that money on therapy instead. Like... if you have the money to blow, why waste it on shitty self-help books and not get actual professional assistance?

Which is a hilarious assertion since the same criticism has often been leveled at therapists who also frequently embroil themselves in scummy practices. No matter where you go for help, there are good providers and bad providers. There are plenty of therapists out there who aren't worth shit and who string their patients along for years, if not decades for easy money while upselling other products and services they offer, in much the same way that the very worst offenders in the self-movement do. And you also have well-intentioned, but worthless therapists, self-help people, etc, who don't engage in scummy practices yet ultimately don't offer any more value than the scummy ones do. Just like anything else, you have to research who you go to.

Personally, I have no idea whether or not CoC engages in scummy practices (largely because the only real differentiator between productive experts and predatory "experts" is the results they drive and the back-end business model), but I dislike the channel in general. (Largely because I don't find him credible, in no small part because he doesn't strike me as being particularly assertive or charismatic and he piggybacks on celebs & pseudo-celebs for clickbait nonsense. That and I remember his voice being grating. As such, I've never understood some PotDers' fixation on the man, since quite a few people have gone through fads where they kept bringing his channel up.

And on a technical level, there's nothing particularly weird or inherently predatory about a channel focused on any subject selling materials regarding that subject. The fact that somebody has gone to the trouble of writing a book doesn't magically invalidate them or expose them as crooks. Likewise, the fact that he seems to offer other products doesn't automatically make him scummy, provided that the products provide some level of value and he's not engaging in certain less ethical practices.

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There is no such thing as "alt-left", but whatever you think that is, I can tell you they aren't really big fans of people like Sam Harris and Obama lol

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FrndNhbrHdCEman posted...

For starters ya need to stop looking at the opposite sex as only for relationships. Thats just show youre thinking with the wrong head. Also share more about yourself instead of letting others fill in conversations about themselves. It can come off weird.

I said multiple times in this topic that I have female friends, I'm not sure why you think that

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Muscles posted...

I said multiple times in this topic that I have female friends, I'm not sure why you think that

You say that but it doesnt mean ya act like it. Personal relationship dynamics arent difficult but your insistence you know something is why youre here asking fam.

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FrndNhbrHdCEman posted...

You say that but it doesnt mean ya act like it. Personal relationship dynamics arent difficult but your insistence you know something is why youre here asking fam.

I'm here because I'm batting 0.000 so there must be something I'm doing wrong, and I already worked on other things people told me to work on so it must be something else (or I'm just ugly, but I see seen plenty of ugly men with girls so it can't be just that)

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dud posted...

There is no such thing as "alt-left", but whatever you think that is, I can tell you they aren't really big fans of people like Sam Harris and Obama lol

You claim that while simultaneously, but you freely admit you don't actually watch any of their shit (any more than I do) and then base your claim that they "like" one side solely based on some clickbait videos they produce while ignoring all of the other clickbait videos they produce that directly contradict your claim.

And the alt-left is as much a thing as the alt-right. What isn't a thing are your arguments.

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Use memes to talk

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