Current Events > Okay ce, I'm 21 and definitely getting my tubes tied

(+) Yeah! (+)

Ive been on birth control for a while now, and Im over it. I love the security of knowing I cant get pregnant, but the increased anxiety, extreme mood swings and three week long periods arent worth it.

When I get it taken out in a few weeks, Ill ask about tubal litigation. I gave the implant and iud a fair shot, and neither worked. I really want to get it done. I know I will never and should never have kids.

My bf will probably break up with me if I tell him though. Oh well, better sooner than later I guess.

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Im having suicidal thoughts and crazy paranoia episodes from the increased anxiety and depression. Some moments are better than others, but Im afraid that Ill start hurting myself if I dont get it taken out soon.. it keeps getting worse. Last night I had an extreme mood swing where I started sobbing in the bathroom. I hate myself. I was incredibly close to cutting, it was insane how strong the urge was. And Ive never even entertained the idea before then because its fucking stupid. Now it keeps popping into my head as a temptation

All of this started when I got the implant

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Birth Control messed my gf up pretty bad too. She just stopped taking it.

I mean if you're sure you never want to have kids then you should do it. It sucks and its a major surgery. I would really consider the ramifications of doing it though.

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https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/contraceptive-implant/

How long have you had it in for? You should probably talk to your Doctor first off as well.

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If your boyfriend can't handle the choices you make with your body that's on him. If you are ever having thoughts of self-harm or suicide please reach out to someone. I certainly wouldn't mind consoling you

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Even in her 30s no doctor would give my sister a tubal ligation.

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WallStreetWolf posted...

If your boyfriend can't handle the choices you make with your body that's on him.

What nonsense. He probably wants kids.

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shnangyboos posted...

What nonsense. He probably wants kids.

So because he wants kids his girlfriend gets no say? It's literally her body. At most you can say he's entitled to a discussion about it and maybe exploring alternative ways to have children. There's nothing stopping him from getting a girlfriend that's more on the same page as him

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https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/doctors

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Damn dude. You should definitely do what you think is best for your own mental health. I understand that birth control causes intense mood swings as it messes with your body's chemistry.

You should have a talk with your SO. You should also talk to a doctor. You may be nipping in the bud some issues that may balloon into something much more serious.

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Conflict posted...

You just contradicted yourself.

No I didn't. I said there should definitely be a conversation about it but at the end of the day it's her body and her choice to have children. Just because I said he has a right to a conversation about it doesn't mean I contradicted myself and said he should get what he wants. Personally, I believe these are conversations you have before officially dating someone, so if it's really that much of an issue for him he's free to find a girlfriend that wants children or to live life and see if she wants to have children an alternative way someday in the future

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shnangyboos posted...

What nonsense. He probably wants kids.

They can still have kids if she gets her tubes tied....

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WallStreetWolf posted...

So because he wants kids his girlfriend gets no say? It's literally her body. At most you can say he's entitled to a discussion about it and maybe exploring alternative ways to have children. There's nothing stopping him from getting a girlfriend that's more on the same page as him

Sounds exactly like what he's likely to do. It doesn't need a "if he can't deal with your bodily autonomy" spin.

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Kastrada posted...

They can still have kids if she gets her tubes tied....

He completely ignored that part of my post

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Kastrada posted...

They can still have kids if she gets her tubes tied....

No shit, but it's pretty clear at that point she won't ever be interested.

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shnangyboos posted...

Sounds exactly like what he's likely to do. It doesn't need a "if he can't deal with your bodily autonomy" spin.

But that's ultimately what the conversation is likely going to come down to. Hypothetically, he considered having children naturally is important to him all he wants, but at the end of the day it's her decision what to do with her body

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shnangyboos posted...

No shit, but it's pretty clear at that point she won't ever be interested.

You don't know that. Maybe she will have a completely different mindset 10 years from now and consider adoption. Or maybe I'm completely wrong. Either way, you don't know that for a fact

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WallStreetWolf posted...

No I didn't. I said there should definitely be a conversation about it but at the end of the day it's her body and her choice to have children. Just because I said he has a right to a conversation about it doesn't mean I contradicted myself and said he should get what he wants. Personally, I believe these are conversations you have before officially dating someone, so if it's really that much of an issue for him he's free to find a girlfriend that wants children or to live life and see if she wants to have children an alternative way someday in the future

My God, dude, him "not being able to handle her decision about her body" is him being free to find a girlfriend that wants kids.

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Conflict posted...

You said this in response to the prospect of TC's bf breaking up with her because she isn't having kids:

When you were told that splitting the relationship would make sense when they have 2 conflicting long-term goals, this is what you said

Now what exactly would TC's bf have to do first before he'd be able to do that?

I'm honestly confused as to what you are saying. So to clarify, I'm saying if it's going to be that much of a problem for him it's most likely time to reconsider the relationship and move onto someone that's more on the same page

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shnangyboos posted...

My God, dude, him "not being able to handle her decision about her body" is him being free to find a girlfriend that wants kids.

That's one way to look at it I guess. My interpretation of the original post is that there would be some kind of argument

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sorry to hear all this. Were all here if you need to talk.

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Conflict posted...

Lol

You went from saying "if he breaks up with you over that that's on him" to "he can find a girlfriend who's on the same page as him"

The contradiction in your posts is literally staring at you in the face.

That's not a contradiction. I'm saying she shouldn't have to feel obligated to give him children, so the breakup would be on him, but that it would also be a good thing for him to find someone that's on the same page

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Let me clarify this again, I'm not saying her boyfriend is a bad person. But if he doesn't take her decision well and pressures her to give some children with her body then that's a crappy thing to do. But if he is understanding and can either go along with her wishes or amicably cut things off and find a more suitable partner, then that's a good thing.

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My main concern is that her depression and anxiety will make her more vulnerable or susceptible to feeling like she's obligated to give him children to keep the relationship going. And that's not right. I just hope there's a civil conversation about it where they both can decide what's best for them.

I'm also coming from a place of a friend's personal experience. But it's not something I really want to get into here

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This is getting weird. She obviously doesn't feel obligated to give him kids, has determined to get the surgery, and realizes he'll probably break up with her over it. You don't need to imagine her as weak, or him as manipulative.

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I'm not implying that depression is a weakness or that he is manipulative. I'm not saying I expect a huge fight but I also don't expect him to be like "okay cool"and break off the relationship wth no conversation or resistance. I'm just coming from a unique place; one of my girlfriends never wanted kids and then all of a sudden like two years later she had a baby. She had the exact same mentality as Harpie. This guy turned out to be a narcissist, sexual abuser, twisting her depression to make her sound crazy to the whole neighborhood, and yes, convincing her to have a child to keep her with them as he cheated on her anyway. And yeah that has nothing to do with this conversation really, but it's a burned into the forefront of my mind whenever someone makes a big deal about a girl not wanting kids, because one of my best friends has been abused and manipulated that way

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WallStreetWolf posted...

If your boyfriend can't handle the choices you make with your body that's on him. If you are ever having thoughts of self-harm or suicide please reach out to someone. I certainly wouldn't mind consoling you

To be fair, its less about control over my body and moreso his desire to have kids. Weve talked about it, and its something that is a definite difference between us. Hes banking on me eventually changing my mind by him showing me what a supportive family looks like. Im firm that I dont want kids, though. We both know that its a wedge, and weve avoided making a decision about our relationship yet concerning the issue. Maybe that was a mistake

Hes genuinely a really sweet guy, and I care for him a lot. Me deciding I want my tubes tied will make or break this relationship though considering how permanent it is

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If he absolutely wants children and you do not, that's a huge incompatibility and it's probably for the best that y'all split. There's tons of guys who don't want kids out there, and tons of girls who do.

Hopefully you work out the hormonal issues and get to feeling better.

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I4NRulez posted...

Birth Control messed my gf up pretty bad too. She just stopped taking it.

I mean if you're sure you never want to have kids then you should do it. It sucks and its a major surgery. I would really consider the ramifications of doing it though.

Yeah Ive heard great things and also horror stories about BC. I really wish it was a great thing for me.

I understand the ramifications. If I ever suddenly decide I want kids, adoption or fostering is always an option. My genetics are a recipe for disaster, so thats definitely off the table no matter what lol

spikethedevil posted...

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/contraceptive-implant/

How long have you had it in for? You should probably talk to your Doctor first off as well.

Ive had it in a little over a month at this point. Maybe thats not giving it enough time, but the side effects are severe enough where I dont think its safe to keep waiting. Ill talk to my psychiatrist about it next week

King Rial posted...

Even in her 30s no doctor would give my sister a tubal ligation.

Luckily there are databases like below that help with that issue. I live in Seattle, theres hundreds of possible doctors and its very liberal up here so that helps

Lonestar2000 posted...

https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/doctors

Thank you!! I totally forgot about this resource. I used to visit that subreddit religiously lol

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King Rial posted...

Even in her 30s no doctor would give my sister a tubal ligation.

This seems to have gotten ignored but I think it's important.

It's actually really difficult if not impossible to find a doctor to perform the procedure at your age. You may be breaking up with your boyfriend over a procedure that you can't even get. You'd probably have an easier time convincing him to get snipped.

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Harpie posted...

To be fair, its less about control over my body and moreso his desire to have kids. Weve talked about it, and its something that is a definite difference between us. Hes banking on me eventually changing my mind by him showing me what a supportive family looks like. Im firm that I dont want kids, though. We both know that its a wedge, and weve avoided making a decision about our relationship yet concerning the issue. Maybe that was a mistake

Hes genuinely a really sweet guy, and I care for him a lot. Me deciding I want my tubes tied will make or break this relationship though considering how permanent it is

As someone just said, it's a huge incompatibility. I don't think he should bank on you changing your mind, because he could stay with you for years and possibly end up not fully happy even though you told him you probably wouldn't change your mind. I would suggest explaining to him that if you do ever change your mind there's always things like adoption. But if it's really that important to him, I don't think he should be optimistic about you changing your mind and should consider something else that's more compatible. And in the future I was advised not getting too serious with people that really want a family. But it's reassuring to know that he is a really good guy

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Wii_Shaker posted...

Damn dude. You should definitely do what you think is best for your own mental health. I understand that birth control causes intense mood swings as it messes with your body's chemistry.

You should have a talk with your SO. You should also talk to a doctor. You may be nipping in the bud some issues that may balloon into something much more serious.

Its a shame, especially considering I had heard so many good things about the implant. My coworker loves hers, no side effects at all. It effects everyone differently I guess.

Im dreading talking to my SO tbh. It needs to be done. Also yes about the doctor too. Ill be doing that next week

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Harpie posted...

three week long periods

Holy shit what

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Jiek_Fafn posted...

This seems to have gotten ignored but I think it's important.

It's actually really difficult if not impossible to find a doctor to perform the procedure at your age. You may be breaking up with your boyfriend over a procedure that you can't even get. You'd probably have an easier time convincing him to get snipped.

Nah, there is no way that he would ever get snipped. Maybe I wont find a doctor for a while, but Im solid in me not wanting them. Regardless if I actually get the procedure or not, its still important for us to have a serious conversation about it. Weve been avoiding it for months, and its inevitable but were both in denial I guess

WallStreetWolf posted...

As someone just said, it's a huge incompatibility. I don't think he should bank on you changing your mind, because he could stay with you for years and possibly end up not fully happy even though you told him you probably wouldn't change your mind. I would suggest explaining to him that if you do ever change your mind there's always things like adoption. But if it's really that important to him, I don't think he should be optimistic about you changing your mind and should consider something else that's more compatible. And in the future I was advised not getting too serious with people that really want a family. But it's reassuring to know that he is a really good guy

We even have core compatibility issues beyond kids that weve also purposely put on hold. It sucks because besides the few very different ideas on what we want from our future, were a match every other way. Currently we work really well together, its almost weird how alike we are in terms of common interests, humor and attitude on life. Its when we look at the future that it all falls apart

Youre right, I need be careful who I get serious with in the future. Weve known each other for years, but have only been dating for a few months so its still early. I knew beforehand that it was probably a bad idea because of this, but that didnt stop me because I was thinking with the wrong head lmao

DrizztLink posted...

Holy shit what

HELP ME

Its at least three weeks too, because its still fucking going. Maybe it could be longer, who knows. I would love to stop bleeding sometime in the next century though thanks

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There's no harm in breaking up now to avoid problems later down the line. It'll suck, cause break-ups do suck, but it'll suck less now than it would later

Ripping the band-aid off, y'know?
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You two should for sure break up
I know it's pretty shitty of me to be this blunt about it, but it's for the best. If he absolutely does want kids and you absolutely don't, then a long term relationship just means that one of you is going to be miserable throughout it.

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King Rial posted...

Even in her 30s no doctor would give my sister a tubal ligation.

This will be a big challenge, a lot of doctors think they know better unless a woman has had 2 or 3 kids already.

Is there anyone whos already had it done who can recommend you a doctor wholl trust that you know what you want for your own body?

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Turbam posted...

You two should for sure break up
I know it's pretty shitty of me to be this blunt about it, but it's for the best. If he absolutely does want kids and you absolutely don't, then a long term relationship just means that one of you is going to be miserable throughout it.

Yeah, there is no point in trying to keep the relation going in the face of such a massive stumbling block, when each of the parties involved is banking on the other one eventually changing their mind. From personal experience, thats what can turn a great relationship into a toxic resentful one.

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Seems weird to say fuck it and eat the plastic bottle all of a sudden; you can always adopt later fer sure

Why not just like, use condoms >_>

Also like, why have kids in your 20s? <_<

Yeah I guess just break up with the dude if thats what you really want lol

FrankJaegr posted...

Why not just like, use condoms

I can answer that one.
Condoms fucking suck.

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Turbam posted...

I can answer that one.
Condoms fucking suck.

Idk, Im a if pregnancy happens this just the next step of whatever in my life type-o dude

so I try to pull out, Ive even made a damn I think I got her pregnant CE topic here lol

but if thats the decision someone wants to make - sure

the mental health portion is one thing and the actually wanting a baby sounds like a personal one

goodluck TC

I legitimately see no point in dating someone who doesn't want kids.

Him waiting it out until you possibly change your mind is incredibly naive. Just end it and move on with your lives before this turns into an unnecessary train wreck.


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BettyWhite posted...

Him waiting it out until you possibly change your mind is incredibly naive. Just end it and move on with your lives before this turns into an unnecessary train wreck

Honestly, that^ I guess - I mean I dont get how you could just decide you absolutely have this opinion about kids that I will never want them absolutely never in the history of absolute decisions but I dont get how he can expect someone who has dug their heels in really hard to budge on that

so I give up, make a decision lol

Wii_Shaker posted...

You should have a talk with your SO. You should also talk to a doctor. You may be nipping in the bud some issues that may balloon into something much more serious.

I'm in on this. If it leads to a breakup, so be it; it's near impossible to really reconcile a difference in desire of children. The guy can always find someone who wants to have kids if he really desires.

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Jessie Marrs of Pacific Gynecology Specialists did mine after another doctor at the same group wouldn't. The doctor who wouldn't was happy to recommend sight unseen vasectomy appointments and did endorse me as "definitely not crazy." Dr. Marrs was perfectly adequate, though I only spoke with her three times (before, day-of and one follow-up), so I don't know much about her ethics beyond that.

Don't let anyone tell you the tubal ligation itself is major surgery. It has a major effect, but the procedure is very minor and the chance of side-effects nearly zero.

I was 25 and had to lie a little about how long I'd been married to get it, so they're unlikely to do it for a 21 year-old (they made a big deal about how young I was). You may have better luck saying you want it done for dysmorphia than saying you want it done because you have the right to not. There are lots more gender clinics that will give you a recommendation than gynecologists, unfortunately.

(I never had trouble with hormonal birth control other than it didn't stop the cystic issues it was supposed to, so I spent a year or two on BC after getting my tubes tied, too. I got my tubes tied for reasons that include, but go beyond, not wanting kids, so hit me up if you've got questions.)

Heads up: The doctors at Swedish are ghouls, though. After signing eighty forms releasing their liability for everything from minor skin tears of IV needles to sudden death a week after, they waited until I was in the operating room and prepped before saying "Also, we need a cath [for a sub-30 minute procedure you already emptied your bladder twice for]." It wasn't on any of the forms. I said "I do not consent to this, please give me a waiver for any ruptures or infections during surgery" and one of the nurses literally shrugged and said "It's hard to consent when you're asleep." Their shitty catheterization job is still causing me problems six years later. Since partial urinary incontinence was one of the things I wanted to avoid by never giving birth, I have to honestly say that I would reevaluate the procedure if I knew what I know now.

I'd almost certainly totally still do it though; dysmorphia is slightly less; barebacking is phenomenal; and all the end-of-late-capitalism dystopia feature a eunuch elite, so I'm ahead of the game.

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