Current Events > Fighting with my wife bc we're not having sex.

(+) Yeah! (+)

When she getting it from chad at work , she doesnt need to have it with you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVzjHZiWfb0

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Zanzenburger posted...

It is alarming how many times cheating has been brought up as a solution to this problem. I mean, you do you, but if you'd like to take a more moral path, here are some suggestions.

First, and I cannot express this enough, marriage counseling is absolutely necessary here. It seems you have already tried on your own and she gets defensive. The issue is more on her than on you now (based on what you've shared). A marriage counselor can give her a more neutral third party opinion and likely support you if you've been doing things right. But I get not everyone can afford a marriage counselor (or even convince the other couple to go).

My wife and I have gone through dry spells as well. There have been times I just didn't want it, and times she didn't want it. It can happen for a multitude of reasons, from stress, fatigue, to hormonal problems as others have stated. One suggestion I may recommend is try some foreplay, but without the expectation of sex. Spoon her, touch her seductively, tell her she's beautiful right before bed. I think the other user was right in that she might be self conscious about her weight gain and that affects her sex drive. There was a time when my wife was depressed due to her job being terrible. She wasn't wanting it either. Little romantic things like that in the bedroom, without pressuring her into sex, really helped. It made her feel special. I've learned that a lot of times women don't want full on sex as much as men do, but they do want the intimacy that comes with sex. Give her that intimacy, let her feel good, and she's more likely to give you sex. Probably every other time I did this, she'd get turned on enough that we'd go all the way. Eventually, as her mental health started getting better, she would initiate it herself. Now we're doing just fine. Our sex life was active even when we fostered three difficult toddlers for a year.

If it truly is hormonal, the above may not work. Medication could help. She could have cysts in her ovaries, which affect sex drive. Or thyroid problems. or IBS. There are so many conditions that affect a woman's sex drives and it can make them self-conscious and defensive. There are treatments for this that really help, but she would need to be willing to see a doctor. It's a good idea to see one anyways, sex-related or not. <_<

If none of that seems to work, then I think the problem is more than just sex-related. At that point there is a completely lack of intimacy in your marriage, and if she refuses to even try, then there are deeper-rooted issues. It's up to you at that point if you think the marriage is worth saving or if it's time to call it quits. Fortunately, if you have documented evidence of going to therapists and doing what you can to help her, it will make the divorce easier on you if it comes down to that as judges like to see which party tried harder to make it work.

It's true that marriage isn't easy. It requires a level of maintenance that you don't have to worry about when single or simply dating. For some people, marriage is just not worth the amount of work required to keep it healthy. Personally, the rewards of having a spouse vastly outweigh the work required to keep them happy and your relationship healthy. To have that one person that knows you inside out, that supports you through your toughest times and you with them, to cheer on you during your victories and hate on your enemies for you even though they don't know them. It's amazing. I can't imagine myself in a life without my wife. We have both boosted each other up and have both picked each other up from a dark place at some points in our lives. I just felt I needed to say that because this whole topic puts marriage in such a negative light that it's easy to forget why people do it in the first place.

I admit I skipped to the end of the topic, but this is absolutely the best here.

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There's a huge difference between 2 people working together to make a marriage work than one person clearly no longer interested in the other.

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Austin_Era_II posted...

There's a huge difference between 2 people working together to make a marriage work than one person clearly no longer interested in the other.

I agree and going "I dont care what you want or feel, fuck you, were only doing what I care about forever." is the neither of those,
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im not 13 posted...

It's not as black and white as you say it is. People change situations change and it can effect

What happened before marriage can change over time. It's very common

I've fucked girls when I wasnt in the mood but they were and I ain't even married

you just nut up and do your part.

Imagine if her mother died, she said "I need to go to Cleveland for the funeral and help my father with some things, then be there for emotional support"

And your response is "nope. We're not doing that because I don't want to."

The point of being a couple is shared burdens and working together . Communication , caring and give - take is a must

otherwise you're not a couple you're just two humans occupying the same space. Basically college roommates with no college

and that's not healthy
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Teh_Dr_Phil posted...

You arent owed sex. That is the first thing you need to come to terms with. Second is to talk it out with her in detail. Lay out your thoughts and feelings and go from there. Its her vagina, not yours. Youre only going to piss her off more if you act like its something youre owed or that you deserve.

Bingo the more you want it. The more shes not gonna give it to you. Just because your married doesn't mean the chase is over.

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some women just don't feel the same after giving birth. be glad youre married and not with a hoe. go watch pron

UnfairRepresent posted...

I've fucked girls when I wasnt in the mood but they were and I ain't even married

you just nut up and do your part.

You're a guy. Works differently for women.

Besides, I'd rather have no sex than my wife feeling like she has to give it to me while she lays there lifeless. TC shares the same sentiment

And yes it is unhealthy to think just because you are my wife you need to have sex with me. Are you guilt tripping her to show you effection?

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how do you feel about a large portion of ce recommending you cheat, tc?

go see a damn marriage counselor
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legendary_zell posted...

Wow, TC, I suggest you run away from this website because the people here either hate women, have no relationship experience, or have very wrongheaded ideas about relationships. Speak to her like an adult, tell her your honest feelings, and go see a credentialed professional. The people here will lead you astray with their inexperience and bitterness. Do not cheat on your wife or disengage.

THIS.

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TooLateToGoBack posted...

this is a discussion reserved for a marriage counselor, not a GameFAQs message board

Also This

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i wouldn't come to gamefaqs for advice on which color pants to wear, much less massive life decisions and thought processes

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Tequilawhatitdo posted...

Is she on any medication or birth control? Recently? Her hormones could be whacked right now.

also this.

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Either she has a low sex drive, sex is painful for her, or she isn't attracted to you. No matter what, it won't magically get better on its own.

Physical intimacy is crucial, and if she loves you she'll agree to making this a priority. Best case scenario is you guys start saving up for therapy.

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Zanzenburger posted...

It is alarming how many times cheating has been brought up as a solution to this problem. I mean, you do you, but if you'd like to take a more moral path, here are some suggestions.

First, and I cannot express this enough, marriage counseling is absolutely necessary here. It seems you have already tried on your own and she gets defensive. The issue is more on her than on you now (based on what you've shared). A marriage counselor can give her a more neutral third party opinion and likely support you if you've been doing things right. But I get not everyone can afford a marriage counselor (or even convince the other couple to go).

My wife and I have gone through dry spells as well. There have been times I just didn't want it, and times she didn't want it. It can happen for a multitude of reasons, from stress, fatigue, to hormonal problems as others have stated. One suggestion I may recommend is try some foreplay, but without the expectation of sex. Spoon her, touch her seductively, tell her she's beautiful right before bed. I think the other user was right in that she might be self conscious about her weight gain and that affects her sex drive. There was a time when my wife was depressed due to her job being terrible. She wasn't wanting it either. Little romantic things like that in the bedroom, without pressuring her into sex, really helped. It made her feel special. I've learned that a lot of times women don't want full on sex as much as men do, but they do want the intimacy that comes with sex. Give her that intimacy, let her feel good, and she's more likely to give you sex. Probably every other time I did this, she'd get turned on enough that we'd go all the way. Eventually, as her mental health started getting better, she would initiate it herself. Now we're doing just fine. Our sex life was active even when we fostered three difficult toddlers for a year.

If it truly is hormonal, the above may not work. Medication could help. She could have cysts in her ovaries, which affect sex drive. Or thyroid problems. or IBS. There are so many conditions that affect a woman's sex drives and it can make them self-conscious and defensive. There are treatments for this that really help, but she would need to be willing to see a doctor. It's a good idea to see one anyways, sex-related or not. <_<

If none of that seems to work, then I think the problem is more than just sex-related. At that point there is a completely lack of intimacy in your marriage, and if she refuses to even try, then there are deeper-rooted issues. It's up to you at that point if you think the marriage is worth saving or if it's time to call it quits. Fortunately, if you have documented evidence of going to therapists and doing what you can to help her, it will make the divorce easier on you if it comes down to that as judges like to see which party tried harder to make it work.

It's true that marriage isn't easy. It requires a level of maintenance that you don't have to worry about when single or simply dating. For some people, marriage is just not worth the amount of work required to keep it healthy. Personally, the rewards of having a spouse vastly outweigh the work required to keep them happy and your relationship healthy. To have that one person that knows you inside out, that supports you through your toughest times and you with them, to cheer on you during your victories and hate on your enemies for you even though they don't know them. It's amazing. I can't imagine myself in a life without my wife. We have both boosted each other up and have both picked each other up from a dark place at some points in our lives. I just felt I needed to say that because this whole topic puts marriage in such a negative light that it's easy to forget why people do it in the first place.

Hey, appreciate the effort here. That's great advise and the "most correct" path to take here.

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im not 13 posted...

Spend more time with her without the pressures of sex. Go out on date nights, listen to her needs, help more,

Be smart with your approach don't do the usual things like just flat out asking for sex. Ask to have a shower with her, offer her massages, nice stay in a hotel etc

If all of that fails then tell her how much it effects you and be straight up with her

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I have had significant others become less interested in sex before, but I broke up with them. For me sex is the only reason to have a relationship instead of a friendship so if they expect monogamy but aren't interested in sex, breaking up is the best option. In Japan a lot of people's wives stop sleeping with them after they have kids, but sleeping with prostitutes or having one night stands isn't frowned upon as much. My SO doesn't consider either of those cheating.

A lot of times I feel like people are pigeonholed into a no win situation. You can't make your wife be attracted to you again, and there is no guarantee any amount of therapy or whatever will fix it. Cheating isn't the solution, but allowing you to sleep with other people or ending it over sex is absolutely a viable path. This idea that his sex drive doesn't matter and he has to just deal with it is just as ridiculous as saying she has to just have sex she doesn't want to have.

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Zanzenburger posted...

It is alarming how many times cheating has been brought up as a solution to this problem. I mean, you do you, but if you'd like to take a more moral path, here are some suggestions.

First, and I cannot express this enough, marriage counseling is absolutely necessary here. It seems you have already tried on your own and she gets defensive. The issue is more on her than on you now (based on what you've shared). A marriage counselor can give her a more neutral third party opinion and likely support you if you've been doing things right. But I get not everyone can afford a marriage counselor (or even convince the other couple to go).

My wife and I have gone through dry spells as well. There have been times I just didn't want it, and times she didn't want it. It can happen for a multitude of reasons, from stress, fatigue, to hormonal problems as others have stated. One suggestion I may recommend is try some foreplay, but without the expectation of sex. Spoon her, touch her seductively, tell her she's beautiful right before bed. I think the other user was right in that she might be self conscious about her weight gain and that affects her sex drive. There was a time when my wife was depressed due to her job being terrible. She wasn't wanting it either. Little romantic things like that in the bedroom, without pressuring her into sex, really helped. It made her feel special. I've learned that a lot of times women don't want full on sex as much as men do, but they do want the intimacy that comes with sex. Give her that intimacy, let her feel good, and she's more likely to give you sex. Probably every other time I did this, she'd get turned on enough that we'd go all the way. Eventually, as her mental health started getting better, she would initiate it herself. Now we're doing just fine. Our sex life was active even when we fostered three difficult toddlers for a year.

If it truly is hormonal, the above may not work. Medication could help. She could have cysts in her ovaries, which affect sex drive. Or thyroid problems. or IBS. There are so many conditions that affect a woman's sex drives and it can make them self-conscious and defensive. There are treatments for this that really help, but she would need to be willing to see a doctor. It's a good idea to see one anyways, sex-related or not. <_<

If none of that seems to work, then I think the problem is more than just sex-related. At that point there is a completely lack of intimacy in your marriage, and if she refuses to even try, then there are deeper-rooted issues. It's up to you at that point if you think the marriage is worth saving or if it's time to call it quits. Fortunately, if you have documented evidence of going to therapists and doing what you can to help her, it will make the divorce easier on you if it comes down to that as judges like to see which party tried harder to make it work.

It's true that marriage isn't easy. It requires a level of maintenance that you don't have to worry about when single or simply dating. For some people, marriage is just not worth the amount of work required to keep it healthy. Personally, the rewards of having a spouse vastly outweigh the work required to keep them happy and your relationship healthy. To have that one person that knows you inside out, that supports you through your toughest times and you with them, to cheer on you during your victories and hate on your enemies for you even though they don't know them. It's amazing. I can't imagine myself in a life without my wife. We have both boosted each other up and have both picked each other up from a dark place at some points in our lives. I just felt I needed to say that because this whole topic puts marriage in such a negative light that it's easy to forget why people do it in the first place.

TC, this is the best advice give here. Please read this.

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Holy shit this topic is depressing.

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BCAM1984 posted...

im not 13 posted...

Spend more time with her without the pressures of sex. Go out on date nights, listen to her needs, help more,

Be smart with your approach don't do the usual things like just flat out asking for sex. Ask to have a shower with her, offer her massages, nice stay in a hotel etc

If all of that fails then tell her how much it effects you and be straight up with her

Yeah that's a better take tbh. The thinking of cheating thing is something that happened to me personally so not the best general advice

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either shes cheating or youre......not good at what you do

Shes being selfish. You are NOT in the wrong. If she doesnt want to make love to you, that means one of 2 things. She has someone else on the side, or she doesnt love you anymore. People fall out of love, its normal...

Dont waste any more time with her and then regret it in the future because 18 miserable years flew by. You owe it to yourself to find someone else that WILL be happy with you, make love to you, and cherish you.

I know women that stay around with a guy for 20 years that beats them.. And they suck his dick like a vacuum and treat him like a King. Get the fuck out of here. Either she loves you or she doesnt, I dont have patience in life for that bullshit anymore and neither should you.

I hope this inspires somebody.

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just fyi it definitely doesn't mean she's cheating on you if her sex drive went way down after having a kid lmao don't take advice from this message board though.

talk with your wife.

Do you help around the house?
Did you let yourself go or still taking care of yourself?
Do you guys try to go on dad nights, just spending time with you only without kids?

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Fuck other girls on the DL.

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Romes187 posted...

just fyi it definitely doesn't mean she's cheating on you if her sex drive went way down after having a kid lmao don't take advice from this message board though.

talk with your wife.

He literally spells out for you in his post, and I quote from him: I tackled all of the issues she complained about me and bettered my self, but its even worse so that tells me it was all excuses.

This also goes to people asking him if he let himself go or anything. Clearly the man stated that he fixed ALL the issues she had given. So if he was fat, hes not anymore. He tackles the problem. For people to be ignorant to this and just keep asking him questions means theyre illiterate and didnt read his post.

Dump her.


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zinezinzadan posted...

He literally spells out for you in his post, and I quote from him: I tackled all of the issues she complained about me and bettered my self, but its even worse so that tells me it was all excuses.

This also goes to people asking him if he let himself go or anything. Clearly the man stated that he fixed ALL the issues she had given. So if he was fat, hes not anymore. He tackles the problem. For people to be ignorant to this and just keep asking him questions means theyre illiterate and didnt read his post.

Dump her.

To be fair (and I am on TCS side ) we've only heard his side of the story

he could be lying or misrepresenting her when he claims he "fixed everything "
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Luckily, my wife and I both are most likely down to please the other person even when one of us isnt in the mood. When we arent on the same page, itll usually be a quicky.

Weve been married over a decade. Its not good for a marriage to hold each other hostage. What harm is there in having a mutually agreed quicky if one of you really need/want it? We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week.

Talk it out, for the sake of the marriage, there needs to be an agreement that works for both of you.

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Exactly my point too zine.

You can try marriage counselling similar to what I did but it won't work if she's not interested in you. My ex was the same. Then shortly after like 3 months (she was upset our 2nd child was a boy again instead of a girl cause she really wanted a girl) I told her I'm down to adopting a 4 or 5 year old child, but I don't wanna have any more kids not only with her, but with anyone. She said she was all of a sudden willing to work with me if I gave her a 3rd kid. I told her stepdad and he told me that's blackmail. We tried date nights. We use to cuddle on the couch. She just kept making excuses. And as a I said after our first child we waited 4 years to have our 2nd child and sex declined more so when only she wanted it. And shocking enough she was all into it more when I agreed to have a 2nd child. There are many tell tale signs.

I dated women in the past who did the same. Where they were done with me but didn't wanna dump me or something (probably too shy or something) but they didn't want any physical contact anymore like cuddling. It's a sign to move on.

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OmegaStriver posted...

Luckily, my wife and I both are most likely down to please the other person even when one of us isnt in the mood. When we arent on the same page, itll usually be a quicky.

Weve been married over a decade. Its not good for a marriage to hold each other hostage. What harm is there in having a mutually agreed quicky if one of you really need/want it? We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week.

Exactly!

This 1000%

Communication
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TC already communicated...

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I wish my girlfriend was like that. She wants too much sex. I dont like that she wants it more than me.

Ive had more sex in the past month with a girl im hanging out with than i did all of last year with my wife.
Divorce sucks. Its a really tough bunch of months (or more), but if youre not truly happy, its totally worth it.

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Also I spoke with my ex wife's stepdad asking why his marriage ended he said his ex wanted a better life or something cause she thought she was some bigshot so she ended it and now she's working at some retail store hardly something to end a marriage over and break a family apart. I guess deep down similar to my situation she just wasn't happy with the person she was with even though he's an amazing hardworking nice guy similar to me.

I wanted a dog my ex was against it. She after a month when he ended it is now with a guy who has a dog. She wanted me to sell our house and get something bigger which would put a financial strain on myself and now she and him are renting a dump.

If someone likes you for who you are they won't ask you to change much. Period!

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Lol, unfair has never fucked anybody
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Theres definitely a reason why you cant turn her on.

Hormones and depression definitely play a large part in things as well

If anything is abnormal with hormones it can kill the sex drive

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Southernfatman posted...

It's messed up how many people say he should cheat. Of course if this were the other way around they'd be calling the woman a no good home wrecking whore.

No fucking way. If TC refused to have sex and was complaining here about his wife resorting to cheating, CE would be mocking him relentlessly and calling him a cuck, all while suggesting that the wife hook up with them instead.

I think TC should talk to his wife about having an open relationship. No sneaking around, just discuss it like adults and stand firm on the issue. A marriage counselor might work, but I have my doubts.

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Get out when the last kid turns 18.

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Youneed couples counseling

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JuanCarlos1 posted...

Pretty much my friends advice and at this point...I d do it.

Don't even think about it! If worst comes to the worst and you separate then divorce, you'll be utterly fucked if it comes out - and it does, that you were cheating.

Marriage counselling would be the better option.

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Couples counseling. At least offer it. Divorce, if not. You'll have to sacrifice. Don't cheat. It's a short term fix that compounds problem. Better to move on.

If you're in the States don't cheat. I believe she can technically sue you if you have a partner prior to an official separation or divorce at least. Look into your rights from a lawyer. Pay for like 30mins or 1 hour service. Well worth the money to ask questions. Make a list of questions.

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Sounds like he's gonna get wrecked either way.

Don't cheat, get divorced, lose everything

Cheat, maybe get caught, lose everything

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He won't lose anything if he looks into his rights. She makes more money than him. He's entitled to 50/50 custody especially in today's world. The issue would be if they have a car and/or house in both their names and they can't agree who gets to keep it. If the other doesn't let the other do a buyout then a mediator or judge will decide or sell the house and take 50/50 and buy another house.

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Unite posted...

When she getting it from chad at work , she doesnt need to have it with you.

XD

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Austin_Era_II posted...

Also I spoke with my ex wife's stepdad asking why his marriage ended he said his ex wanted a better life or something cause she thought she was some bigshot so she ended it and now she's working at some retail store hardly something to end a marriage over and break a family apart. I guess deep down similar to my situation she just wasn't happy with the person she was with even though he's an amazing hardworking nice guy similar to me.

I wanted a dog my ex was against it. She after a month when he ended it is now with a guy who has a dog. She wanted me to sell our house and get something bigger which would put a financial strain on myself and now she and him are renting a dump.

If someone likes you for who you are they won't ask you to change much. Period!

I want to put all of your posts on a billboard.

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AssGender posted...

I am a proud virgin, so imma gonna have to give her an applause for her for fighting for what's right. Sex is overatted nowadays when we had all other alternatives besides sex like going on a trip or play sports or something. Dont limit urself and widen ur perspectives.

lol

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There should be a sticky topic for my divorce <_<

Luckily her and I talked things cause we know battling with lawyers just means blowing money on lawyers when her and I don't have that much money. It's best to work it out without one. Notarizing doesn't cost much.

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