Current Events > I don't feel like I want to date anymore, tbh. (serious topic)

(+) Yeah! (+)

Feeling like dropping a bit of a personal rant and unfortunately for CE, it's gonna be you guys.

From 20-27 I lived with my girlfriend. We did everything together. Pets, garden, mutual friend circles, our families were all interconnected, you name it. I had a proposal picked out. We had talked about it, don't worry, and she was on board but I could tell was hesitating hard. One day near the end we got to talking and she said she didn't want to settle down. I thought it was odd because we'd lived together for seven years, but hey, no title, whatever floats her boat.

She started to pull away. Her rules were always basically be attached but not titled. She wasn't even a fan of the term girlfriend. This comes up later but she also didn't want a car or dog, etc. But we live (And I still live) in a city with great public transportation and jobs close by so I didn't mind saving that kind of money. Anyway in a blur of memories I know that during the winter she started hanging out with a coworker of hers a lot. Originally with us three, than just them. One night it was 3AM and I woke up from bed and called her asking where she was, and it was his house. I was polite but upset and asked if she could come home because I missed her and that it was ridiculously not cool she was just chilling at a dude's house. This was the night that she was caught, btw, goes without saying.

She was furious with me and that's when I knew something was up. It didn't take long for me to find out they had been dating and when I confronted her about it she never once confessed, but rather, gaslit the shit out of me. Always unhappy, always hated me, always hated sex with me, never wanted to settle down with me. But that it was her fault, not mine, for her sticking around with a wrong choice guy.

She broke up with me last January and stayed at his house six days a week and blocked all contact with me. Sold her family some BS and they stopped contacting me. It took her six fucking months to move out and I slept on the couch until I finally called the landlord and had her evicted. She got caught at her job for fucking him (against protocol) and he got fired and she got transferred to a different location. She moved in with him last August, with her telling mutual friends that the biggest selling point was he had his own car and a dog and a house with a yard.

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I don't feel like dating anymore. I've tried. Nothing has ever been toxic in my dating life after, I just... don't feel it. I'm very polite, well spoken, attentive and used to being on the ball. I cook, clean, take care of my shit and am very relaxed. But I can't find the ability to do it all over again. Meet her family? She meets mine? Move in together? Talk about marriage? Get a car? Move to a new city? I've done it all, man, and I'm almost 30 now. I get a mental block when I think about restarting all that effort again. I get panic attacks thinking about her not being home six days a week and me sleeping on the couch surrounded by our memories, pictures together, while she was railing some other dude.

I think the easiest way I can summarize it is that there is no worse feeling than giving everything to someone, for so long, top to bottom with full transparency and not being good enough. Being replaced and cheated on. I don't know if I ever want to do it again CE.

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That's just the one woman who fucked you over tho.

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CommunismFTW posted...

It took her six fucking months to move out and I slept on the couch until I finally called the landlord and had her evicted

wut

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DespondentDeity posted...

That's just the one woman who fucked you over tho.

Absolutely it's just one, but the sunk cost and mental damage is wild. Maybe I need therapy instead of CE though come to think of it.

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AlCalavicci posted...

wut

She was a dick about it. She dragged her feet moving out for whatever reason and decided she'd just pay me the rent but never come home. She had a legally bound one-year lease at that point, and it probably took me too long to grow a pair and kick her out via the landlord.

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I know ot hurts and you will not like reading this but, you ignored some big red flags.
If you are the type who is looking for marriage, you shouldn't be with someone for 7 years before proposing.
And if they refuse to be called your girlfriend, that is a big, something is wrong here.

Ultimately though, she wronged you. There is no reason to cheat on you. She could have dumped you first if she had any decency.

My intention though is not to rub salt in the wound but one day when your hurt is healed keep in mind to not ignore red flags.

CommunismFTW posted...

One night it was 3AM and I woke up from bed and called her asking where she was, and it was his house. I was polite but upset and asked if she could come home because I missed her.

wut

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Can I get your cologne and condom collection?

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WingsOfGood posted...

I know ot hurts and you will not like reading this but, you ignored some big red flags.
If you are the type who is looking for marriage, you shouldn't be with someone for 7 years before proposing.
And if they refuse to be called your girlfriend, that is a big, something is wrong here.

Ultimately though, she wronged you. There is no reason to cheat on you. She could have dumped you first if she had any decency.

My intention though is not to rub salt in the wound but one day when your hurt is healed keep in mind to not ignore red flags.

Pure truth. I've definitely learned my lesson on all those fronts. I was gaslit; she was happy new guy had a dog and car and house.

AlCalavicci posted...

wut

A: Come on man

B: I worded that poorly. What I meant by that was why the fuck were you over another guy's house when I was home and would have chilled with her. I called her out on what she was doing when she got home and that was a wrap.

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Why did you sleep on the couch in your own apartment? Why are guys like this?

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Sometimes it is hard to ignore red flags. I met someone this year who really made me feel crazy emotions. I never felt this way before and it honestly kinda drove me crazy. Idk if she did this to you but then again those feelings do fade and a year should be enough.
But if you are in that state you can acknowledge it and admit you might be ignoring something.

sounds like that girl was just using you tbh

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Politics posted...

Why did you sleep on the couch in your own apartment? Why are guys like this?

Because I didn't want to go into our room. Surrounded by our decorations. The rug was pulled out from under me, this didn't have a build up. So I kept out of there until I kicked her out and redecorated. That's why. I didn't have a chance to kick her to the couch, she was sleeping in another bed.

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CommunismFTW posted...

A: Come on man

wut

JK. The way you worded it sounded like you were living together, wake up at 3am to find that she either never came home or left after you went asked to go to some dudes house, so you called her politely and asked her to come home because you missed her. Sorry to say, that this part of your story and the other part I quoted make this story seem fake. The way you reacted in those situations make it sound like its made up because its so ridiculous.

That said, ill give you the benefit of the doubt. As some others said, there are some major red flags that now you have seen are major, so you need to do better the next time around in noticing those and sticking up yourself. That doesnt mean what she did is your fault, just that you need to learn whether someones actions and commitments are worthy of your time and effort. If you really feel like you dont want to be with someone, dont force it. Work on yourself. The right one will come along when you least expect it.

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AlCalavicci posted...

you need to do better the next time around in noticing those and sticking up yourself. That doesnt mean what she did is your fault, just that you need to learn whether someones actions and commitments are worthy of your time and effort.

100%. You're right.

I'd post any of the six million pictures we have together to prove it's real but I don't want people reverse searching or snooping around in my life. I wouldn't make up a disaster of a seven year relationship just for attention on CE.

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don't

dating is a scam

WingsOfGood posted...

I know ot hurts and you will not like reading this but, you ignored some big red flags.
If you are the type who is looking for marriage, you shouldn't be with someone for 7 years before proposing.
And if they refuse to be called your girlfriend, that is a big, something is wrong here.

Ultimately though, she wronged you. There is no reason to cheat on you. She could have dumped you first if she had any decency.

My intention though is not to rub salt in the wound but one day when your hurt is healed keep in mind to not ignore red flags.

This is a good response

You probably could have found it in yourself to get away from this girl a lot earlier and saved yourself a lot of this time and sunk cost you talked about.

But she fucked you over, no denying it.

But I see what you're saying. I'm in a similar boat. 5 years with a girl and we just drifted apart. Split up and went our different ways, no biggie. Now going on dates and getting to know new people, talk about their family blah blah is such a bore. Feel like I've done it so many times I just dont care.
Maybe after enough time we'll feel the need to try again , who knows

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My wife wants me to stop dating toom

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KalimariX8 posted...

But I see what you're saying. I'm in a similar boat. 5 years with a girl and we just drifted apart. Split up and went our different ways, no biggie. Now going on dates and getting to know new people, talk about their family blah blah is such a bore. Feel like I've done it so many times I just dont care.
Maybe after enough time we'll feel the need to try again , who knows

Both you guys might find women who had men pull this kinda bs on them and you might could share a bond because of it. Or maybe you guys should hang out ;)

WingsOfGood posted...

Both you guys might find women who had men pull this kinda bs on them and you might could share a bond because of it. Or maybe you guys should hang out ;)

maybe you will even fall in love with each other !

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WingsOfGood posted...

Both you guys might find women who had men pull this kinda bs on them and you might could share a bond because of it. Or maybe you guys should hang out ;)

I like local music and long walks on the beach ;))

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It's perfectly okay to just take a break for a while, tc. That's a hard struggle. I was with a girl for a decade, the breakup was far more amicable, but I took almost a year of just keeping to myself before meeting new people. And if you need longer, or shorter, whatever, do what's good for you.

Incidentally, I turn 30 in a few months, too.

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When I read stuff like this I understand why people become "red pillers". You have to respect yourself and not let people walk all over you. She isn't going to be sexually attracted to you if you are just a doormat. You should take a break, but you also need to approach dating as you being good enough and not letting people use you. If you just want to exchange resources for sex it's a lot cheaper and easier outside a relationship.

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Was she your first real girlfriend? You sounded a bit naive ignoring those red flags but I'm glad you learned from it. People will walk all over you if you let them.

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That's rough man. I can only imagine what you're going through. You should definitely take some time off from dating and relationships and allow yourself to heal. It might take a couple years honestly. You spent almost 1/4th of your young life with that woman, so it's going to take time to recover.

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I've been with my fiancee for around 8 years now, living together since we got together early in college etc. I can understand man. That sucks.

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R1masher posted...

Can I get your cologne and condom collection?

Hehe...
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All I gotta say is if you aren't even 30, your love life is so far from being over, it's not even worth worrying about right now.

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ssjevot posted...

When I read stuff like this I understand why people become "red pillers". You have to respect yourself and not let people walk all over you. She isn't going to be sexually attracted to you if you are just a doormat. You should take a break, but you also need to approach dating as you being good enough and not letting people use you. If you just want to exchange resources for sex it's a lot cheaper and easier outside a relationship.

I'm not a doormat though. After seven years this just happened and I reacted in ways to hope to salvage it because I still loved her until what she did was confirmed. Were there red flags, and like another guy said, could I have justified a split earlier to save face? Maybe. But seven years of seeing someone every single day, falling asleep together, hanging out together resulted in a fantastic time that I do believe was mutual. I wanted to seal the deal and it scared the fuck out of her and she cheated on me and found a guy more compatible to her last minute "oh shit" realizations on her own end. I wasn't a lump for almost a decade, but I get your point.

smoke_break posted...

Was she your first real girlfriend? You sounded a bit naive ignoring those red flags but I'm glad you learned from it. People will walk all over you if you let them.

Far from my first, but my most serious for sure.

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A lot of people think this could only happen if the signs were obvious, but that isn't always the case. Sometimes, lies are just real good lies.

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