Current Events > How did your childhood help shape you?

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I grew up in a religious family and always lived in small towns, so my upbringing was a very sheltered one. I didn't really understand the kind of options or freedoms I had until much later in life, and I was still pretty religious myself until about halfway through college. I feel like I've rejected just about everything about what I used to believe, but some of those core values never really changed. How about you guys?

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Parents are pretty religious. I believed in God, but never followed a specific religion. About 2 years ago or so I became an atheist after finally deciding to further look into religions. Overall I'm still a nice person who works extremely hard to get where they are in life based on seeing my parents work hard. My folks and I weren't super close growing up, but that has made me into a stronger person mentally.

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the intense stress that comes from my parents always having the highest expectations has made me burnout before high school

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It wasn't good. Dad hated me, always told me he wished I was dead. That if I were to die, he'd piss on my grave then dance back to his truck. At any sign of frustration, he'd take it out on me by beating me. Told me no one loved me, or ever would.

Mom always stood up for him, because disagreeing would earn her the same treatment. She'd often beat me too, to spare me from having dad do worse.

Just all around tons of mental and physical abuse. Was never allowed to go out because they were ashamed of me. My brother could do no wrong, but I could do no right. He grew up thinking the world owed him, while I was told I needed to repay any $ my parents spent on me, otherwise I simply owe my life to them.

I seriously HATE myself for this, but I did end up being the man my dad said I was. I'm unloveable and useless. I've been trying so hard to be a good person, someone whose worth being with so maybe one day I can get a family of my own. But no, I'm worthless to everyone. I've made costly mistakes that ruined the only good thing I had in my life.

At this point, I feel I'm too old to effectively change anything. I'm tired of trying and failing.

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Eliza-Schuyler posted...

the intense stress that comes from my parents always having the highest expectations has made me burnout before high school

Pretty much this.. being held up to standards that they themselves couldn't even uphold and being shamed for not performing to their expectations made me leave home with the biggest "screw everything and everyone" mentality that has taken me years to suppress..

Yeah my parents comparing to others was annoying. Out of all my cousins only one has a 6 figure income job. My sister who's "smarter" than me wasted my dad's money on a uni degree which she doesn't even use. Makes slightly more than me but is struggling financially in the city while I'm the one with a car (paid off in 5 years instead of 7) and a house. My dad gave her his old car and she got into an accident now won't buy another car. I look forward to where I am in my life financially 20 years from now compared to all my other family members. I won't be surprised down the road if she asks me for money and I'll be like shouldn't have wasted your own money travelling so much and buying name brand clothing.

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I grew up in a very stoic family. No one showed love or any emotion. Never saw my parents kiss, hold hands, any of that. Didnt grow up religious, thankfully.

My parents were bad parents. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. He has huge anger problems, and is very narcissistic. Cares about no one elses feelings but his own. My mom never stood up to him around us, and just tried to be as neutral as possible about him.

My dad would kick my brothers and I out of the house during the summers, telling us to go explore and dont come back inside till dinner time. Literally, wed have to find somewhere to go to kill time ALL day. As a kid, I enjoyed it because wed explore neighborhoods, check out abandoned buildings, play baseball, etc...

My parents didnt parent. They didnt help me with school, or really care about my personal life ever. Never asked if I was ok. I grew up VERY self sufficient, and was forced to mature way sooner than my friends/classmates.

Growing up, I didnt think much of it. Thought it was normal to not talk about feelings or have to figure out everything yourself without your parents help. In hindsight, its made me a MUCH stronger person being forced to grow up so fast.

I dont necessarily blame them. They were in over their heads. My mom was stuck in this relationship with a terrible person and did the best she could.

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KogaSteelfang posted...

It wasn't good. Dad hated me, always told me he wished I was dead. That if I were to die, he'd piss on my grave then dance back to his truck. At any sign of frustration, he'd take it out on me by beating me. Told me no one loved me, or ever would.

Mom always stood up for him, because disagreeing would earn her the same treatment. She'd often beat me too, to spare me from having dad do worse.

Just all around tons of mental and physical abuse. Was never allowed to go out because they were ashamed of me. My brother could do no wrong, but I could do no right. He grew up thinking the world owed him, while I was told I needed to repay any $ my parents spent on me, otherwise I simply owe my life to them.

I seriously HATE myself for this, but I did end up being the man my dad said I was. I'm unloveable and useless. I've been trying so hard to be a good person, someone whose worth being with so maybe one day I can get a family of my own. But no, I'm worthless to everyone. I've made costly mistakes that ruined the only good thing I had in my life.

At this point, I feel I'm too old to effectively change anything. I'm tired of trying and failing.

Jesus Christ, that's absolutely terrible.

It's never too late to make a change for the better though. You're still pretty young too! You might not be able to make any huge changes right away, but if you start small, you can work your way up gradually in time. No one is useless; everyone has value, and the ability to impact the lives of others. It's all a matter of what you choose to do with your time. Figure out what matters to you, what brings you joy; even if it's something buried in your past, everyone has had a fleeting glimpse of happiness and hope. Work towards that, in any way you're able.

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My family taught me to hide any and all weakness or else they would tear into you. Cry during Lion King and everyone makes fun of you for years. When you're sick, everyone takes the opportunity to vent their frustration with you.

I didn't like that atmosphere so I actively do the opposite. It's really shitty for your mom to remind you what a burden you are when you're sick. Im a lot more nurturing because of how much I dont want to perpetuate it.

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Well shit like this makes sense to me so....probably in a negative way.
https://youtu.be/U1rdAiKUJ6k

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MFBKBass5 posted...

I grew up in a very stoic family. No one showed love or any emotion. Never saw my parents kiss, hold hands, any of that. Didnt grow up religious, thankfully.

My parents were bad parents. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. He has huge anger problems, and is very narcissistic. Cares about no one elses feelings but his own. My mom never stood up to him around us, and just tried to be as neutral as possible about him.

My dad would kick my brothers and I out of the house during the summers, telling us to go explore and dont come back inside till dinner time. Literally, wed have to find somewhere to go to kill time ALL day. As a kid, I enjoyed it because wed explore neighborhoods, check out abandoned buildings, play baseball, etc...

My parents didnt parent. They didnt help me with school, or really care about my personal life ever. Never asked if I was ok. I grew up VERY self sufficient, and was forced to mature way sooner than my friends/classmates.

Growing up, I didnt think much of it. Thought it was normal to not talk about feelings or have to figure out everything yourself without your parents help. In hindsight, its made me a MUCH stronger person being forced to grow up so fast.

I dont necessarily blame them. They were in over their heads. My mom was stuck in this relationship with a terrible person and did the best she could.

I had a lot of this growing up too. It was better when I was really little, but as I got older I started to realize that we weren't as outwardly expressive with our love as most families. We never made any effort to talk about uncomfortable subjects, and if anything was brought up, it was quickly dismissed and never mentioned again.

It's difficult to develop that ability if it's never been taught; instead I learned how to put up a faade of normalcy, and it stunted my growth as a person for a long time.

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My parents are addicts, they fought a lot my whole life, though rarely (not never) physically.

My dad was arrested when I was 4. It happened while I was in the car, I remember we got pulled over for expired tags and my dad had a failure to appear warrant so they searched the car and he had crack, too. So they took him away for longer and my family became homeless shortly afterwards.

We lived in a homeless shelter, a car, a broke down rv in a liquor store parking lot, a shed in someone's backyard, and various illegal rental situations over the years. My mom's family helped move us across the country when I was 13 from California to Arkansas, which was the first time I had my own room since I was 4

My parents did always have high expectations of me and instilled a lot of positive values and virtues in me, too, though. My dad taught me to be generous to others because you don't know what issues they're dealing with, and my mom always stood up for her principles even in the face of professional and personal disaster.

Both the good and the bad influenced who I am today. I feel an obligation to kids who grew up like I did because I know I was lucky. So I work to change public policy to better address the needs of poor and marginalized people and communities.

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I used to ride my bikes with my brother and neighbor kids and sometimes we would run into bullies, I learned how to stand up for myself and others

Also I grew up in a time when cellphones were expensive so everything wasn't in the palm of my hand. I learned patience by having to wait and by trial and error

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I'm teaching my kids what my parents didn't do with me. Explaining as they get older about waiting and being wise with their money. I'll also mention to them a few mistakes I made in my life and how I learned from them to constantly better myself. After that if they fuck up don't expect me to save them. Learn from mistakes and better yourself otherwise too bad. Make the same mistake over and over again the problem is you.

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Pus_N_Pecans posted...

I had a lot of this growing up too. It was better when I was really little, but as I got older I started to realize that we weren't as outwardly expressive with our love as most families. We never made any effort to talk about uncomfortable subjects, and if anything was brought up, it was quickly dismissed and never mentioned again.

It's difficult to develop that ability if it's never been taught; instead I learned how to put up a faade of normalcy, and it stunted my growth as a person for a long time.

Luckily it came to me very naturally even from early on. Have always been an extremely empathetic person, and I was clearly the outcast of my family because Id actually express how I felt about things.

My parents tried to force me into therapy as a kid/get me tested for ADD/all sorts of shit because I was different from them. My mom would call me bipolar without any clear understanding of what that actually meant. I was the rebel of my family, as my brothers grew up to be exactly like my dad.

If I ever have a family, Id make sure its 100% opposite of what mine is like. It sucks, because I never really got to know any extended family(they live on the other side of the country), and my immediate family and I are not close at all. Sometimes it feels like I straight up dont have a family.

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If anything, it left me formless, I didn't have an identity.

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KogaSteelfang posted...

It wasn't good. Dad hated me, always told me he wished I was dead. That if I were to die, he'd piss on my grave then dance back to his truck. At any sign of frustration, he'd take it out on me by beating me. Told me no one loved me, or ever would.

Mom always stood up for him, because disagreeing would earn her the same treatment. She'd often beat me too, to spare me from having dad do worse.

Just all around tons of mental and physical abuse. Was never allowed to go out because they were ashamed of me. My brother could do no wrong, but I could do no right. He grew up thinking the world owed him, while I was told I needed to repay any $ my parents spent on me, otherwise I simply owe my life to them.

I seriously HATE myself for this, but I did end up being the man my dad said I was. I'm unloveable and useless. I've been trying so hard to be a good person, someone whose worth being with so maybe one day I can get a family of my own. But no, I'm worthless to everyone. I've made costly mistakes that ruined the only good thing I had in my life.

At this point, I feel I'm too old to effectively change anything. I'm tired of trying and failing.

Fuck, man. That explains your self worth issues.

You always seems a decent and reasoned person here, for the record.

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Pus_N_Pecans posted...

Jesus Christ, that's absolutely terrible.

It's never too late to make a change for the better though. You're still pretty young too! You might not be able to make any huge changes right away, but if you start small, you can work your way up gradually in time. No one is useless; everyone has value, and the ability to impact the lives of others. It's all a matter of what you choose to do with your time. Figure out what matters to you, what brings you joy; even if it's something buried in your past, everyone has had a fleeting glimpse of happiness and hope. Work towards that, in any way you're able.

I've tried. I got into therapy a few years ago and ended up with the worst therapist. So, talked to my doctor and tried medication as well, ended up having loads of side effects and no real benefit.

Anyway, I'm approaching 40. My birthday is in September, and I'm turning 37. Even if I did start turning my life around right now, would it be worth it? My biggest goal in life is to have kids... I'll be an old man before they're adults. I want to be around for them, not die when they're just starting their lives. Not like that's even a possibility anyway, I fully expect to die a dateless virgin.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

There's nothing to love. I don't deserve that.

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Evening_Dragon posted...

Fuck, man. That explains your self worth issues.

You always seems a decent and reasoned person here, for the record.

Thanks. I've made some mistakes that I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for though. Because of those, I can't see myself as a good person any more.

I get triggered HARD when I feel unwanted. Sets me off emotionally and I freak out.

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Well if that's how you feel unfortunately it just plain sucks for you.

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In short, I was basically an elementary school dropout. I tried HS briefly, but 5 years of isolation made me stunted in socialization, and I dropped out of that as well. I'm also math dyslexic; I can't comprehend anything past basic order of operations.

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My parents divorced when I was three, right after my brother was born. Both of my parents were very loving and I never felt alienated from my parents or like I wasn't loved. Mom worked constantly to support my brother and I so she was never home. As a result, my brother and I were latchkey kids by definition, we were often home alone and became very independent as a result. An ex girlfriend said that my brother and I lived like stray dogs. My dad was a disgraced professional boxer who fell into a deep depression when both his career and family fell apart. He struggled with drug and alcohol addiction and eventually would develop dementia later in life.

Mom was the structure, while dad was the chaotic exploratory force in my life. I drank first with my dad and he would always buy my friends and I booze when we were teens. Since mom worked nights, we would often throw parties without her even knowing at the house.

While my dad wasn't the best parent, he and I were very close and were almost like brothers in a lot of ways. One of my earliest memories was playing Super Mario Bros. with my dad and I would not have developed my love for video games if it weren't for him, I believe.

Neither parent was religious though my mom was the spiritual crystal lady for a while.


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I grew up watching my mother be mistreated by a series of different men. I dedicated myself to absorbing their mistakes and behavior and being the complete opposite. I saw (and still see) romantic relationships as the most important thing in life, and I wanted to be the best at it. I threw myself at the subject and studied endlessly about how relationships work.

But, I'm the quiet type, and I have no confidence to speak of. I failed to find anyone, and due to the high standards I placed on myself, I started to view myself as an abject failure in and of myself.

Now I'm 30 and still alone. Part of me still has hope that I can find someone, and because of that I still maintain profiles on just about every popular dating site, but the rest of me is made up of self-loathing and disgust. I don't believe that I deserve to be happy anymore.

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Balrog0 posted...

My parents are addicts, they fought a lot my whole life, though rarely (not never) physically.

My dad was arrested when I was 4. It happened while I was in the car, I remember we got pulled over for expired tags and my dad had a failure to appear warrant so they searched the car and he had crack, too. So they took him away for longer and my family became homeless shortly afterwards.

We lived in a homeless shelter, a car, a broke down rv in a liquor store parking lot, a shed in someone's backyard, and various illegal rental situations over the years. My mom's family helped move us across the country when I was 13 from California to Arkansas, which was the first time I had my own room since I was 4

My parents did always have high expectations of me and instilled a lot of positive values and virtues in me, too, though. My dad taught me to be generous to others because you don't know what issues they're dealing with, and my mom always stood up for her principles even in the face of professional and personal disaster.

Both the good and the bad influenced who I am today. I feel an obligation to kids who grew up like I did because I know I was lucky. So I work to change public policy to better address the needs of poor and marginalized people and communities.

This sounds really difficult too. I'm glad you're working to help other people in similar situations. A sense of obligation can be a great motivating factor, as long as you don't let guilt from not being able to do more swallow you up.

MFBKBass5 posted...

Luckily it came to me very naturally even from early on. Have always been an extremely empathetic person, and I was clearly the outcast of my family because Id actually express how I felt about things.

My parents tried to force me into therapy as a kid/get me tested for ADD/all sorts of shit because I was different from them. My mom would call me bipolar without any clear understanding of what that actually meant. I was the rebel of my family, as my brothers grew up to be exactly like my dad.

If I ever have a family, Id make sure its 100% opposite of what mine is like. It sucks, because I never really got to know any extended family(they live on the other side of the country), and my immediate family and I are not close at all. Sometimes it feels like I straight up dont have a family.

That's good. I was the same way, but it still took me a long time to really work myself out of that mindset. I had plenty of therapy when I was younger too, but for something completely unrelated that's probably a bit tmi for a public forum.

DespondentDeity posted...

If anything, it left me formless, I didn't have an identity.

I'd say you built one up for yourself now though. I had a lot of identity/body related issues growing up for obvious reasons, but I remember always feeling worried that I'd forget who I was at some point.

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Pus_N_Pecans posted...

This sounds really difficult too. I'm glad you're working to help other people in similar situations. A sense of obligation can be a great motivating factor, as long as you don't let guilt from not being able to do more swallow you up.

I appreciate it, but honestly I wouldn't trade childhoods with some people here. I get Maslow's hierarchy and all, but my parents never told me crap like boys shouldn't cry; just the opposite. When someone teased me that the little mermaid was for girls they were like 'well do you like it? Yeah? Are you a girl? No? Well there you go'

I can't even imagine living with the kind of emotional abuse some people suffer from

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KogaSteelfang posted...

Thanks. I've made some mistakes that I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for though. Because of those, I can't see myself as a good person any more.

I get triggered HARD when I feel unwanted. Sets me off emotionally and I freak out.

Have you ever tried going to therapy? Honestly, even if youre sharing things that you already know internally, I think it really helps to articulate them with someone. Ive only gone a few times myself, but I do think it still helped with opening up with other people about it too.

Balrog0 posted...

I appreciate it, but honestly I wouldn't trade childhoods with some people here. I get Maslow's hierarchy and all, but my parents never told me crap like boys shouldn't cry; just the opposite. When someone teased me that the little mermaid was for girls they were like 'well do you like it? Yeah? Are you a girl? No? Well there you go'

I can't even imagine living with the kind of emotional abuse some people suffer from

Thats good. I lot of that toxic masculinity stuff can bury itself deep inside a persons sense of self.

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dad died from a life of drug abuse, so i've never so much as touched a joint and i refuse to drink.

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Grew up in a non-religious household, I didn't even step foot into a church until I was in my early teens. Dad was messed up in the head from Vietnam, he was drafted a few weeks after his 18th birthday, he wasn't cut out for the military and spent 2 years in an infantry unit. He would wake up in the middle of the night and scream, or rage out, and took it out on me and my brother constantly. My mom did what she could at times, but there really wasn't any stopping him. He worked a great job, was the vice president of a reinsurance company, we didn't grow up rich, but we grew up very well off.

As a result of the ongoing mental abuse, and battling with his sexuality, my brother inevitably killed himself. He was ridiculed and bullied because he talked with a slight lisp, and I took a few beatings, and gave a few beatings standing up for him in school. I was eventually expelled for the fighting and had to attend a private school to finish my diploma.

From 3rd grade until graduating high school, I spent every summer break with my grandfather who had a home on the Atlantic, we spent the summers fishing and crabbing, I helped him work, he paid me. It was the only part of my childhood that felt normal. He passed 5 years ago.

I joined the Army out of high school, and now i'm a functioning alcoholic with a solid job and a home and land that I own, and been married nearly 17 years now.

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its made me very independent and im thankful for that. it has shown me the only person to rely on is myself. always keep in mind at any moment ur best people can stab u in the back or disappoint u. to me its the only way to stay happy, strong and detoxed

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Pus_N_Pecans posted...

Have you ever tried going to therapy? Honestly, even if youre sharing things that you already know internally, I think it really helps to articulate them with someone. Ive only gone a few times myself, but I do think it still helped with opening up with other people about it too.

I did try therapy once. It lasted 6-7 months seeing him once per week. Things didn't go well, and I stopped going. Also stopped my meds at the same time.

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it literally shaped me by making me fat

also, i cant think of anything else. i guess i might hate people cuz i had a horrible upbringing? who knows

So many of these stories are just tragic. I'm sorry everyone. :(

MabusIncarnate posted...

Grew up in a non-religious household, I didn't even step foot into a church until I was in my early teens. Dad was messed up in the head from Vietnam, he was drafted a few weeks after his 18th birthday, he wasn't cut out for the military and spent 2 years in an infantry unit. He would wake up in the middle of the night and scream, or rage out, and took it out on me and my brother constantly. My mom did what she could at times, but there really wasn't any stopping him. He worked a great job, was the vice president of a reinsurance company, we didn't grow up rich, but we grew up very well off.

As a result of the ongoing mental abuse, and battling with his sexuality, my brother inevitably killed himself. He was ridiculed and bullied because he talked with a slight lisp, and I took a few beatings, and gave a few beatings standing up for him in school. I was eventually expelled for the fighting and had to attend a private school to finish my diploma.

From 3rd grade until graduating high school, I spent every summer break with my grandfather who had a home on the Atlantic, we spent the summers fishing and crabbing, I helped him work, he paid me. It was the only part of my childhood that felt normal. He passed 5 years ago.

I joined the Army out of high school, and now i'm a functioning alcoholic with a solid job and a home and land that I own, and been married nearly 17 years now.

How old were you when you lost your brother? I'm sure that'd be hard to cope with, especially if you were similar ages.

KogaSteelfang posted...

I did try therapy once. It lasted 6-7 months seeing him once per week. Things didn't go well, and I stopped going. Also stopped my meds at the same time.

It still doesn't mean there's no hope for you. You've obviously already been through a lot, but that doesn't mean that there's no chance for love or self improvement out there. You have to open yourself up to the idea of something better before you can work towards it I think.

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Even though my upbringing was alright all things considered I still hold a lot of anger towards certain people including a few family members. My mom was loving if a bit over assertive and dad loved me and my brother too but the only part of parenting he seemed to have any interest in was yelling. Mom has bad relations with her siblings and my brother and I absorbed some of the fallout. Even when she got along wits my uncle he couldn't try to correct children without throwing a bitch fit in the process. My parents split when I was 7 and though they never admonished the other for how they disciplined me or my brother it was clear they didn't see eye to eye and screamed at each other frequently.

I also refuse to forgive those who bullied me in middle school. At the time the system rewarded being a punching bag and punished fighting back. (These days they've learned a bit and getting hit will give you a suspension albeit a lesser one.) Even when it didn't get physical I was still treated terribly by other students and my parents did little to help. Dad said little other than offer outdated advice about sucking it up and ignoring bullies. Mom refused to understand nuance or understand that the assistant principle would always give detention if you got called into his office. This isn't to say I was totally innocent by any means but I wasn't totally guilty either.

As for religion I was brought up Methodist and am now a deist. I don't have any regrets about being brought up in the church whatsoever.

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