Current Events > That feel when OCD

(+) Yeah! (+)

It starts with a single thought. It's unbearable. It's 8PM. You perform the standard ritual, a meager, desperate attempts to clear your head.

There is no release. The thought repeats. You don't realize it, but it has amplified in intensity by an imperceptibly small margin. You repeat the standard ritual.

After a few tries, your brain begins working on auto-pilot. You're capable of doing basic or essential tasks. After a while, you think you've forgotten about it. Your mind, for a moment, feels at ease.

It's 9PM. You feel your head begin to dully ache, and your throat is dry. You remember the thought. You remember the ritual.

You try to distract yourself. You play a game. You watch a movie. You close your eyes. When you open them again, you don't even remember what's happened for the past half hour. The thought, having accumulated strength with each repeated instance, is three times as strong as it started. Your perception begins to shift. Looking out of your eyes feels like looking out of a long hallway. You're trapped in your own mind. Who is moving your body?

It's 10 PM. You feel a knot in your forehead. Someone is reaching into your skull and squeezing your brain. Somebody talks to you. You try to pay attention. You feel guilty, because you're pissed off at them and you don't know why. You can feel a hot prickling in your scalp. You feel short of breath. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

It's 11 PM. You're doing nothing. Your head is sore, but you don't even notice the pain. You close your eyes. You had plans tonight. You accomplished nothing. Maybe tomorrow, you tell yourself.

It's midnight. You're on the verge of unconciousness, jolted back to reality by the intermittent prodding of your illness. You try to focus on the sound of a familiar show. You've seen it so many times, you can visualize each scene perfectly in your head. Eventually you trade one delusion for another. You fall asleep.

It's the morning. You wake up. The first think you remember is the thought. You wonder if today will be better.

Sometimes it is.

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TC, do you actually have OCD?

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I actually had bad OCD for awhile back in 2016-2017. It's so stressful.

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