Current Events > Having a rough day

(+) Yeah! (+)

My wife left last wednesday. I havent been the best husband, i was neglecting her - putting her on the shelf so to speak. She told me it was over for her a week ago from last friday.
Shes staying at her moms, been by a few times to pick things up. I miss her so much. Ive gone from 230 to 215 since Nov 29.
Going to see my therapist tomorrow morning, seems like an eternity away.
I tell her i am working on change and she says she doesnt believe me.
Weve been together for 12 years, married for 1 and a half.

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Best of luck to you dude.

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You guys have any kids?

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J03can posted...

she says she doesnt believe me.

Win her back TC!

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Error1355 posted...

Best of luck to you dude.

Thank you

DoubleDare posted...

You guys have any kids?

No kids. I want to have kids with her.

VictourieFlake posted...

Win her back TC!

Im trying so hard, but its one of those things that ill have to show her over time and shes not going to wait around

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shockthemonkey posted...

All you can do is be the best person possible for her, good luck

Thats the plan. At this point im having trouble getting out of bed

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Dont force it sadly if it is not meant to be forcing it only hurts both of you in the end. Having a child and bringing them into a forced relationship can hurt not only you but them and those they meet in the future. Divorce is very hard on children as well so please dont try to have child to try and fix thing.

This is not to say you can't fix things and make a strong relationship. First figure out what made them like you for those 12 years, and then figure out what changed and what went wrong and address those issues. Many people think having a child can fix a relationship, but that isnt a childs job only the couple can truly repair a damaged relationship, and if not it is better to have not brought a child into it only to break their heart too.

I am sorry if preachy or incorrect I also am having a very hard time right now, and my mind is addled.


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Man, that sucks. Sorry you're going through this.

I don't know you well enough to say if you can win her back or not. If she's made up her mind about the relationship being over, then that is something you're going to have to make peace with. I think it would be good for you to stay active with a hobby, friends, travel or something similar, so you don't have to torture yourself while you're alone.

Good luck with whatever you decide.


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Mistere Man posted...

I also am having a very hard time right now, and my mind is addled.

we're sorry to hear, i hope it gets better for you and the TC i'm getting through a rough financial struggle temporarily which will get better once tax time hits and hours pick up again.
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Mistere Man posted...

Dont force it sadly if it is not meant to be forcing it only hurts both of you in the end. Having a child and bringing them into a forced relationship can hurt not only you but them and those they meet in the future. Divorce is very hard on children as well so please dont try to have child to try and fix thing.

This is not to say you can't fix things and make a strong relationship. First figure out what made them like you for those 12 years, and then figure out what changed and what went wrong and address those issues. Many people think having a child can fix a relationship, but that isnt a childs job only the couple can truly repair a damaged relationship, and if not it is better to have not brought a child into it only to break their heart too.

I am sorry if preachy or incorrect I also am having a very hard time right now, and my mind is addled.

No you're right. I came off as i want to have a child to fix things - i meant that she is someone who i want to have a child with, but not anytime soon given these circumstances.

I know where i went wrong, and sadly this happened about 4 years ago. Some very stressful things happened at the beginning of september - not marriage related - and i got through them, but i kind of shut down. I thought things were ok, but i would just spend all of my time playing video games and listening to podcasts. All alone, while she did her own thing. I hardly went out, and when i did, it rarely involved her. I neglected her real bad because i just thought shed always be there

Also, edit, im sorry for your tough time too. Feel free to share if you want to

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Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Man, that sucks. Sorry you're going through this.

I don't know you well enough to say if you can win her back or not. If she's made up her mind about the relationship being over, then that is something you're going to have to make peace with. I think it would be good for you to stay active with a hobby, friends, travel or something similar, so you don't have to torture yourself while you're alone.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks, im wanting to do all of the above, its just been so recent and im so confused. I dont know what to do. Im worried about doing something to make it worse, so im just not doing anything. That being said, ive spent time last week with some good friends who have been very supportive. I just cant spend all my time with people wallowing

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Dang Im sorry, that sucks man. Best of luck to you both.

J03can posted...

Ive gone from 230 to 215 since Nov 29.

Just to clarify, this is weight right?

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Shablagoo posted...

Dang Im sorry, that sucks man. Best of luck to you both.

Just to clarify, this is weight right?

Correct

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Whenever i talk to her about changing she says "too little too late" and that i forced her hand by pushing too much.
I was pushing because things were u comfortable and i wanted us to put aside out bullshit and fix them.
God i miss her...

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Sounds like she's out then.

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Right now she is. I am doing whatever i can to bring her back

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must have a 2nd plan if things go to shit.
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Sorry man

Can't really offer advice

But fuck. That really sucks.

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Thanks guys, like i said in the TT. Its just a rough day. Dark out and raining on the snow. Its cold. Im just laying alone in bed trying to stay warm. Feeling very empty.

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I decided to go into work. I bought a chicken shwarma wrap for lunch.
Feeling horrible, probably wont stay long

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May be a dumb question, but have you aked her what you can do to change? Things obviously aren't going to go back to normal over night if this has been slowly building up over 4 years and it is very possible those 4 years pushed her limits to the edge, but posing that question to her should yield results if she actually wants to salvage the relationship. She should know better than anyone what you need to fix.

Sing a sad song to turn it around tc

Fossil posted...

May be a dumb question, but have you aked her what you can do to change? Things obviously aren't going to go back to normal over night if this has been slowly building up over 4 years and it is very possible those 4 years pushed her limits to the edge, but posing that question to her should yield results if she actually wants to salvage the relationship. She should know better than anyone what you need to fix.

Thats a good question and yes i have and we have talked about it. I have been emotionally negligent towards her for about 6 months. I wasnt spending time with her and my plans wouldnt really include her. I was ignorant to it - not blind, but i kept telling myself i would make it up to her - and just push that off.
Also, in arguments, i could get pretty shitty in the things i would say to her. Of course id say things i didnt mean and would apologize after, but, we all know thats not ok at all.

Ive been seeing a therapist who is helping me to figure out why i have been doing these things, but through all this self discovery, i know i dont want to lose her. The problem is, ive lost her...

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Seriously? So she is going to throw away a 12 year relationship complete with recent marriage for a short time of bad?

The problem may not be you tc.

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Mistere Man posted...

Seriously? So she is going to throw away a 12 year relationship complete with recent marriage for a short time of bad?

The problem may not be you tc.

Another thing here is that this has happened before 4 years ago, and we both vowed this wouldnt happen again and it has. She says shes breaking the cycle. I say the difference this time is that i have a therapist.

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J03can posted...

Thats a good question and yes i have and we have talked about it. I have been emotionally negligent towards her for about 6 months. I wasnt spending time with her and my plans wouldnt really include her. I was ignorant to it - not blind, but i kept telling myself i would make it up to her - and just push that off.
Also, in arguments, i could get pretty shitty in the things i would say to her. Of course id say things i didnt mean and would apologize after, but, we all know thats not ok at all.

Ive been seeing a therapist who is helping me to figure out why i have been doing these things, but through all this self discovery, i know i dont want to lose her. The problem is, ive lost her...

That's a lot to work with. The best advice I can offer is to keep seeing the therapist and discovering yourself.

Truth is a lot of people commit to relationships when they have no idea who they really are. So the individual ends up relying on their SO more than they realize. All that self discovery ends up becoming a joint effort and a burden on the SO because neither they or the individual has ever really "dealt" with the issues that pop up along the way. (I'm not saying this is you, but you mentioned self discovery, so just something to think about.)

Fossil posted...

That's a lot to work with. The best advice I can offer is to keep seeing the therapist and discovering yourself.

Truth is a lot of people commit to relationships when they have no idea who they really are. So the individual ends up relying on their SO more than they realize. All that self discovery ends up becoming a joint effort and a burden on the SO because neither they or the individual has ever really "dealt" with the issues that pop up along the way. (I'm not saying this is you, but you mentioned self discovery, so just something to think about.)

You are definitely onto something here. I thought i knew who i was but i dont like who that is and neither does she. I wasnt consistently like this, but it shows up once in a while. Its good to be seeing a therapist about it now, but man the regrets that keep flooding my head... im back at home in bed now.

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J03can posted...

You are definitely onto something here. I thought i knew who i was but i dont like who that is and neither does she. I wasnt consistently like this, but it shows up once in a while. Its good to be seeing a therapist about it now, but man the regrets that keep flooding my head... im back at home in bed now.

Well it's good you recognize things you don't like, that means there's lots of room for self improvement. All you can do is make an effort to change. It'll take a lot longer than you want and make the process of trying to reconcile with your wife seem like ages, but it'll be worth it in the end. Even if things don't work out between you guys, you'll be a much better person as a result.

Yes youre right, but man these days are hard. Like so fucking hard. Im not eating and am just kind of numb, then a wave of realization hits and it sucks me down into a pit. I just picture her face and the happy times and it hurts more.

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Like its 330pm and i just wish it was midnight and time for sleep

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How old are you both? Had she brought up the issue before now? I have a hard time believing its been 6 months of you neglecting her without her mentioning how it effected her.

I also feel like there is more to the story. It seems extreme to throw away 12 years and a marriage because your spouse has been neglecting you 6 months. I wouldnt call it a pattern if the last time it happened was 4 years ago. Every marriage/long term relationship will have its downs and the key is to work through them as a couple.

Heartbreaking to hear. I hope things work out in your favor however they might.

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J03can posted...

Whenever i talk to her about changing she says "too little too late" and that i forced her hand by pushing too much.
I was pushing because things were u comfortable and i wanted us to put aside out bullshit and fix them.
God i miss her...

Ya if you waited until she actually followed through with her threats to leave before you actually made a change that kinda proved her point though unfortunately.

Shes going to get some freedom back and be gone dude. It's hard but best thing you can so at this stage is continue to better yourself so you'll be a better guy for your next relationship.

People split it happens. Trying to amend it is fine but dont go down a desperate road if and when shes clearly moving on.

Cleo_II posted...

How old are you both? Had she brought up the issue before now? I have a hard time believing its been 6 months of you neglecting her without her mentioning how it effected her.

I also feel like there is more to the story. It seems extreme to throw away 12 years and a marriage because your spouse has been neglecting you 6 months. I wouldnt call it a pattern if the last time it happened was 4 years ago. Every marriage/long term relationship will have its downs and the key is to work through them as a couple.

Im 37 and shes 31. Yes there is a lot more to the story here, theres been lots of ups and downs over the years. There have been more ups but the downs could be pretty down.

linid0t posted...

Ya if you waited until she actually followed through with her threats to leave before you actually made a change that kinda proved her point though unfortunately.

Shes going to get some freedom back and be gone dude. It's hard but best thing you can so at this stage is continue to better yourself so you'll be a better guy for your next relationship.

People split it happens. Trying to amend it is fine but dont go down a desperate road if and when shes clearly moving on.

Im trying my best to not go down the desperate road. This topic is helping me in not texting her begging (which i havent done, although i have been desperate when seeing her in person). So thanks to everyone just keeping with the questions to keep me occupied. This is so hard

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linid0t posted...

Shes going to get some freedom back and be gone dude

gawd damnit >< he's screwed.
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She never wasnt free in our relationship. We have always had our own things that we do. Its what worked so well for so long, but, then we stopped doing things together, and she was saying it and i kept putting it off. Ive been lost in video games and my own bullshit

But yes, that's probably whats going to happen

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Today feels like the worst day of my life. Nothing new, just empty. I had a therapist appointment in my calendar for 10am, but when i got there he had an appointment with someone else. He said that we were scheduled for next Tuesday (even though ive been seeing him once a week for 4 weeks now). He called an hour later and is able to see me at 2pm.

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Things have been getting better since seeing my therapist. He paints a pretty bleak future for my marriage but gave me good advice on how its ok to feel like i am, and is helping to make changes that hopefully brings my wife back.
I dont know how id be right now if i didnt end up seeing him.

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J03can posted...

Things have been getting better since seeing my therapist. He paints a pretty bleak future for my marriage but gave me good advice on how its ok to feel like i am, and is helping to make changes that hopefully brings my wife back.
I dont know how id be right now if i didnt end up seeing him.

Let's end it together

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inloveanddeath0 posted...

Let's end it together

He asked me if i was going to hurt myself and i said no, but if i were to get in a car wreck and died, that wouldnt be the worst thing

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J03can posted...

He asked me if i was going to hurt myself and i said no, but if i were to get in a car wreck and died, that wouldnt be the worst thing

No dude, no. Don't even entertain those thoughts. Things are bleak, but no.

Have you told her how much you miss her? That you recognize how you neglected and ignored her? Sure, she can counter it's maybe "too little too late" but at this point your only option is honesty and win her back if you wish to save anything. I wish you the best, and hopefully you can show her you're still the man she fell in love with

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powerman1426 posted...

No dude, no. Don't even entertain those thoughts. Things are bleak, but no.

Have you told her how much you miss her? That you recognize how you neglected and ignored her? Sure, she can counter it's maybe "too little too late" but at this point your only option is honesty and win her back if you wish to save anything. I wish you the best, and hopefully you can show her you're still the man she fell in love with

Thanks man. I wont hurt myself. Im just really down. Yeah ive told her all those things, neglecting her like i did really hurt her. One of the things my therapist said was she was probabably emotionally seperating and going through these stages on her own for a while. In reteospect i know thats right. All i can do at this point is try to keep a level head and make some positive changes in myself that hopefully she notices AND comes back. Thats a longshot but the worst thing that comes out of that is i dont have her but ive made some important changes for myself.

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J03can posted...

All i can do at this point is try to keep a level head and make some positive changes in myself that hopefully she notices AND comes back. Thats a longshot but the worst thing that comes out of that is i dont have her but ive made some important changes for myself.

You're right to make positive changes, for yourself and her. You're right that if the worst happens, you've recognized and bettered yourself.

But honestly, you're gonna have to win her back. If she's already set to leave, you're going to have to try. Consider it back to square one, but this time you at least know her well. Show her how much she means, it may take time, and hopefully she'll give it to you, but it'll be a long road either way.

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Thanks man. Yes it is, and seriously im going to do my best but she is pretty stubborn and pretty set on this decision. That being said, it is a process where we need to get legally separated, and then finally divorced. Ive heard it takes a year or so. But during that seperation who knows, she might meet someone that sweeps her away, and if that happens, i have to accept it.

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Also, one of the things shes said to me is "ive made my decision, i dont want to be won back"

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You're J03can, not J03can't. Cheesy joke, but honestly, I hope you can fix things. If not, it's gonna be rough but you'll get through.

Edit: Saw your post. That's a bummer, I guess it still doesn't hurt to try. Sorry dude, all I got

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Im going to keep trying. Thanks so much. This blogfaqs topic has been extremely helpful for me. Its been pretty lonely here and this helps to make it less lonely.
All i can do is my best, if it doenst work out, in time ill be ok

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https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jCmaMoWh2i0&t=19

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Mistere Man posted...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jCmaMoWh2i0&t=19

Haha accurate

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