Current Events > Let me tell you all about my DIY car paint job, CE.

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The problem with cars in the UK is the rust. It's always the fucking rust. That hideous sprawling disease that eeks up into your wheel arches from all the salt they grit the roads with every time the weather is miserable, which is always. The council never has the funds to fix any of the potholes that have been there since the war (pick one, whichever war you like), but they seem to have an endless amount of fucking salt.

Invariably as cars here get older they develop nasty little bubblings on the wheel arches, just where all that salt and grit flicks up under the paint and tears it open. Water then sits in that gap between the metal and the paint, quietly forming into grotesque little brown spots much like the herpes ulcers forming on my penis, but far uglier.

There's this other nasty thing we have to deal with in the UK. MOT tests. You know what an MOT test is? It's an annual fuck you test. It's designed to make sure that car ownership is always depressing, no matter how great your car is. Thanks to MOT tests, you'll never see an interesting car in the UK. All anyone can afford here is a variation on the same 3 french hatchbacks. It'll have an engine originally designed to power a Lego technic set and the physical dimensions of a shoe. But more importantly it's reliable, and when they pull out the strap-on at the annual fuck you test it will hurt a little less than it would if you owned the nice car you actually wanted.

One thing they love to poke holes in at the annual fuck you test is rust. I mean that quite literally. This grimy little man will walk around your car, attempting to shove a screwdriver through anything brown. If receiving an expensive bill and needing a lift into work for the foreseeable future is your kink, this is how you get to experience it.

Anyway, I have a Volkswagen Passat. While not a french hatchback, it is the sort of car you buy when you realise your masculinity and youth died at least 5 years ago and no one bothered to tell you. It is a fine german car, full of sensible ergonomic decisions and an equal amount of unnecessarily complicated mechanical decisions. But even the germans can't stop rust from ruining my paint job. And winter is coming, and we all know that's when the rust really takes on a life of its own.

So, I went to Halfords. Halfords is like an auto-parts store where nobody knows anything about cars and nobody wants to help you anyway. I only had to look at the vacant stare that 'Gaz' gave me when I asked about paint codes to know that he wouldn't be of much use. With a little internet digging, I found the supplies I needed. Sanding blocks, primer, paint of the correct code, and a clear lacquer. I wanted to do a respectable job. Not a good job. Good jobs are for professionals. I just wanted to do a job worthy enough to stop the grimy man from assaulting my body...work.

Should I go on? I'm all about informed consent.
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This tale is riveting

I love it
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pinky0926 posted...

they seem to have an endless amount of fucking salt.

It's not just them

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Pics
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Please continue. I used to work at a body shop so this is very entertaining. I can give you some pointers too if you want.

It's best to buy cars with carbon fiber, fiberglass, or plastic body panels. Don't buy cars with sheet metal panels if you plan on owning it past the rust thru warranty period.
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Anyway so I had the gear, and some idea. My first ever job was as a luxury car detailer. That is what I used to tell people my job was when I had it, because I was embarrassed. I think "anally retentive car washer" is a more accurate reflection of what that job entailed, honestly. Do you know that Porsche owners like to keep special brushes to dust their air vents? It's bonkers. Porsche owners are psychopaths.

I'm digressing. I've also painted a wall or two before. Painting is quite straight forward really. You just need to be careful and patient and have a steady hand. Qualities I lack altogether but I can at least theorise the correct procedure one should follow when painting. I hoped I could marry up these previous work experiences and do a respectable job on the car. Enough to hoodwink grimy.

All I needed was an ideal environment to paint the car. Somewhere with cover, with minimal wind and dust, with no one nearby to inhale the fumes. So naturally I chose the farm on which my software company is located. I chose this location because it is where I work, and fuck the other sensible reasons. Why do DIY at home when you can do it on the clock?

The only real complication with this entire plan was Jerry the farmer. Oh Jerry. I'll tell you all about Jerry.
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did you use a roller / brush? i mean you CAN paint a car with one, just more often then not give interesting results from what I've seen.
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