Poll of the Day > Another topic with Eclair whining about the usual nonsense.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Three months have passed since graduation and I still am working at my job I've been working at for almost three years. I am getting paid only fifteen dollars per hour, do incredibly menial work, and feel like crying sometimes--and not just because of the job. I mean, I don't even need a college degree to do this job, and for some reason, when I initially applied for it when I was still in college and without a degree, they required a four-year college degree in something I cannot recall at the mo'. It's stupid; no one needs a college degree to go on a computer, look stuff up, work with databases, and input data. It's so messed-up. It's like the requirements are there for no reason at all.

Degree requirements aside, I now thoroughly regret ever volunteering at my workplace and finding work there. I wish I had held off on it, and found a job or internship in college that I might have had an interest in. But it's ultimately my fault anyway. I had always told myself to hold off on seeking internships because I already had a job working. I had always taken classes that I may have no interest in because I was more concerned at the time with maximizing my work hours. In hindsight, I could not regret it anymore. If I have wasted anything, it was time working at my workplace that I could have spent working elsewhere or taking classes I actually might enjoy, and possibly enabling me to graduate faster. I have far too many regrets to be going on with, and all in all, I feel that I have so incredibly dull and stupid for many, many years; something that people on here are very quick to criticize me or ridicule me for.

I feel that my entire academic career has been an entire joke. First, I suffered a mental breakdown six years ago due to having to concentrate too much on homework and the like, when the first signs of a mental condition that very fatally threaten my sanity start to show and I am forced to drop out that semester to recuperate my mental state. Then I have to listen to my mother about not taking too many classes and overtaxing myself, and not allowing this condition to further inhibit my ability to live my everyday life.

Years later, I start to volunteer at this place, because I pretty much cleared everything I needed to at community college and didn't need to take that many classes that semester. A few months into that semester, I then gain employment, which I insisted on holding onto and not forgoing in lieu of a heavier academic workload or another job. I insisted that with my severe lack of skills and experience, that it would be incredibly difficult to find another job--but I can only kick myself now for not even bothering to try. "I already have a job I am content with (I didn't know then that this was a lie to convince myself to not see what is out there), why must I search? It's far too much trouble." I could have graduated maybe two years earlier if I had ditched my job for a full-time academic schedule. But even I have to admit now that that would have been a poor choice.

But it's not like I couldn't apply for internships or anything. I kept telling myself that I had no interest in those things, anyway. I was right, but it didn't stop me trying to apply. I just didn't really care about anything, then; I don't even now. Though it's not like I even had any professors with which I had built rapport with to write letters of recommendations for those internships, anyway. I could not socialize with anybody with my own age group, much less an age group whose position and intelligence I am very much intimidated by. It could not have hurt to ask, but then I just kept reminding myself that I just don't bleeding care about the internship and that making a professor recommend me for something I don't care about would be a very thorough waste of their time, and something I'd feel guilty about.
---

Last fall, my mental health started deteriorating and my depression growing to the point that my condition mentioned earlier would start to manifest once more, inhibiting my ability to work. I started talking to talk as if to an invisible person at home and during class. Sometimes, people were under the impression that I was talking to them when they don't consider the possibility that I am very ill. I started to silently break down during class (because I wouldn't allow others to see me weak and unstable, fearful of what they might think of me), and cried sometimes after class because of how much pain and distress I was in and how much stress I was under, which made it worse. It was clear at that point that I no longer enjoyed school.

At the same time, there were many, many instances during my last two semesters when I would just stay at school for a little while longer, not wanting to return home to my mother's house. So I just don't even know if I want to be at school or at home. There are many other pairs of direct contradictions that I will never be able to explain properly. It makes me wonder if I could have handled a full-time schedule. Then last semester, I just didn't care enough to put in my best effort; I got two more B's as a result.

Nowadays, I hate my job, as previously explained. They don't pay me enough to afford rent. I could have been doing something else right now, if I were not so hasty and rash in making decisions about my employment. I know fully well that I will be ridiculed and chastisted for saying this. Almost three months ago, I took a full-time job here, being too afraid that my severe lack of skills (aside from the handful I've picked up in my time here as a part-time employee) would not enable any company to hire me. It was this fear that convinced me to take the job, believing I was suited for nothing better. I don't know; it's very entirely possible that it's true, anyway.

Like I keep telling you lot, I don't know what I want to do, because I generally have lost all enthusiasm and interest in life. Everything looks like dung, no job or career looks interesting, and I just don't really care about anything anymore. I have said that last line over again so many times I cannot even count. But dear Lord, I cannot emphasize how true this statement is. Life has lost all its fun, everyone around me is either horrible or insufferable to talk to or be around.

People outside are afraid of me because I always scowl. How can I smile when there is absolutely nothing to be happy about? Everything sucks now, and these days I feel myself becoming angrier and angrier about how it seems that way. My only acquaintance has not answered my text in over a month and I do not feel like I am in the mood to try contacting her again. All I asked her was what she was doing until graduate school. I don't know why she hasn't responded... I mean she never really responds when I ask her stupid nonsense that might lead her to believe I have texted the wrong person. Now that I think on it, it's a likely possibility.

Anyway, I'm just so angry at the mo', see. I am starting to view my entire academic career as a waste, a means to further nothing in my life. It feels as though I have squandered my time for nothing. And overall, I am more than angry at myself for it. I regret not doing anything fun during college. Most of the events they hold aren't really for me, on the other hand. I guess I just didn't care in college. I don't even care right now. In the past week, I've been daydreaming more and more about school, and as usual, when I reminisce, I start to remember the bad aspects of school. I remember being scolded for things I am far too ashamed to say on here. I remember being hated by some classmates and professors. It's an awful feeling. Sometimes I feel as though I don't want to return and cause more trouble for them...
---

Not like I can anyway, with my lack of preparation for graduate school. I didn't even consider the possibility then, and I'm not considering it right now. I told myself that I'd clear myself of my mental problems and return to school only if I knew for certain that I'd enjoy academia again. It's mostly my insufferably large inferiority complex that holds me back in school, really. I am far too proud and arrogant to accept help for others, and will brutally chastise myself if they had given me help with understanding something that I could not have done otherwise. It makes me feel worthless and exactly like a complete imbecile incapable of achieving things on one's own. I never would be proud of presenting others' work as my own.

I remember during one of my senior seminars where I just drafted up this ten-page paper about math with my own research and cunning. I remember being thoroughly proud of it. I had obsessed fervently over editing it for up to six hours straight in a day, until I submitted it to my professor for review and correction a little past midnight. I had to shorten it, ultimately, to a five-page presentation paper because I had far too much to present about in a fifteen-minute presentation time limit. I was heart-broken when for some reason, it got deleted from my computer one day. I regretted not backing my data up. Anyway, when other people presented, I noticed that at least two of my classmates that I went to class with at some point had ripped off their presentations directly from their lecture notes of the class they were to present material from. I cannot be mad at them for doing this, but I was a bit disappointed at their lack of originality. Sometimes, it feels like creativity barely exists these days, and it kind of depresses me. But I'm likely being silly or overly pessimistic when I say this. Anyway, how was your Sunday, board?

I must have these answers.
---

Im gonna go out on a limb and suggest that maybe, just maybe, this is better discussed with an actual therapist and not GameFAQs users.

The past is the past! We can't go back and undo the things we've done, but every day is another chance to change our life.

You're not stuck at your job. Spruce up the ol' resume and start searching! Life is pretty much a bunch of lost kids trying to navigate life; no one really knows what they're doing! You don't have to have an interest in something to work in it; a lot of the interest is made from learning, seeing your own knowledge grow, and getting good at it.
---

EclairReturns posted...

I must have these answers.

I'd give you an actual answer but that's way too much to read.
---