Current Events > Got back with the crazy person. It has gotten worse.

(+) Yeah! (+)

I am butthole666

The saga has continued for the past few months, and it was really good for a while, then really bad, then constant hell. A near-endless stream of you dont like me, you dont want me anymore, we never spend time together, and so on. I have been spending nearly all of my free time either at their place, defusing or hoping to prevent arguments, or on the phone/texting trying to calm them the fuck down. I get no sleep, I have rarely been able to sleep in my own bed, and I have work in the morning is only superficially treated as a valid excuse and will be punctuated with Im sad and I feel rejected if I do not adequately express that I wish I could stay over and if I leave before fucking like 4 AM. When were just hanging out, things are nice for a bit, and I do often stay of my own will/stay late after saying I shouldnt and they try to get me to leave; on such nights, my expressing early on that I need to leave is usually a source of sadness, and so it becomes part trying to savor the moments of peace and normalcy, part trying to prevent a meltdown when I do leave.

We havent been actually doing anything because every day has been some world-ending conflict. Always the same accusations that I dont want them, you dont value me or my time, you think Im gross; I SHOWER them with praise, say cute shit, do cute shit and still get berated about this bullshit.

Most recently, we had sex. I was their first time. There was a brief scare the second time we did it, the morning after the first time, we dealt with it, and I felt really great and really safe and close to them. I then left to go home and get ready for my osing shift, and 3 hours later I begin getting texts accusing me of abandoning them and not being there and not checking in; they knew I had work and was getting ready to go in, and it had only been a few hours since we last spoke. This kicked off the beginning of the end. Basically every day since has been some variation of the same arguments and insecure accusations, but with a newfound intensity and at more odd hours of the night. As a direct result of this constant bullshit, we havent hooked up. The other night, we did for the first time in weeks, then decided to try having sex again after doing some other shit, under the condition that I stay over after. After the foreplay, I had an extreme panic attack at the idea of sex due in part to our rocky status but primarily because of some really bad sexual trauma I have. I had to get up and leave and remove myself from it completely.

The next day, I begin getting texts saying I manipulated them, I used them, they felt gross etc etc. After hours of arguing (more just me being berated and apologizing, while grappling with my own trauma), I went to pick them up from a party, and we talked face to face and I explained what happened and how their behavior was inappropriate, how they frequently accuse people of things they do, and a number of other things. It was very civil, they apologized, in tears, for how they acted and said they had no idea what had happened. I express that I need space to deal with this. They said they need me here to deal with this. I held my ground. After talking in circles for a couple hours, as we are parting ways, they tell me again they were manipulated, after having told me it is okay and knowing that I left because it gave me flashbacks to being assaulted. Yesterday I caved and ended up going to talk to them and hang out in hopes theyd feel better. It was going well, but when I say I am not staying, and that Im not yet comfortable doing so again, the whole shit starts again. They are upset we need different things, and seemingly trying to force their needs to take precedence over mine. I left, we were to not speak for several days. They initiated contact today, and I responded out of sheer habit; I get the cold shoulder, and now at 2 AM Im getting paragraphs about it and about how I hurt them again.
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I am completely at a loss as to what to even do, because if I dont tread lightly they will likely start telling people in our shared circles that I manipulated and used them for sex, which couldnt be further from the truth. I agreed to something with full intention of it happening and of being a supportive partner, and I began having flash backs to being raped and had to remove myself from it immediately. Im now being told, essentially, I forgive you but also fuck you.

/big time blogfaqs
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i only apologize for the predicament but the relationship is too far gone to try to salvage FML.
though i'm all for the two way street thing and trying to work things out in a civil manner.
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Who the fuck is they.

I dont want to fucking salvage this shit, I just want to get out without my friends being told Im a predator or a manipulator because I wasnt able to follow through on a promise of sex
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iClockwork posted...

Who the fuck is they.

Can we just not please
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Tactical_Spork posted...

I am completely at a loss as to what to even do

no you're not. break it off, explain why in detail and then block her number and her social media

I have not been a perfect partner, however Ive tried to be receptive of things that I have done that have hurt them and of how they need to cope, and I have not always done well at fixing my shit, but I have tried. Ive tried so hard. I have run myself into the ground trying to make it good enough.

I feel awful for even letting this get this far because now we both feel awful all the time and weve both done shitty ass things. I shoukd have just let it happen when they have tried to dump me instead of convincing them to talk it out and open a dialogue. I hate this and I hate my life.
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I dont know why youre even entertaining this BS, TC. Its clear that (he?/she?) is toxic and is only going to drag you down too. Things arent gonna magically get better.
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Kaiganeer posted...

Tactical_Spork posted...

I am completely at a loss as to what to even do

no you're not. break it off, explain why in detail and then block her number and her social media

Yeah and then everyone in my field and community for hundreds of miles hears about how I did this and that shitty ass thing and all this fucking nonsense with no perspective of the hell Ive been in and been subjected to
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Tactical_Spork posted...

Kaiganeer posted...

Tactical_Spork posted...

I am completely at a loss as to what to even do

no you're not. break it off, explain why in detail and then block her number and her social media

Yeah and then everyone in my field and community for hundreds of miles hears about how I did this and that shitty ass thing and all this fucking nonsense with no perspective of the hell Ive been in and been subjected to

Ohhhh boy. Been there done that. There really isnt a good answer but god you dont deserve that. Im sorry TC. Theyre clearly toxic as shit and need help.

I will say this: keep receipts of their behavior so others have evidence. I learned the hard way to hold on to evidence.
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Tactical_Spork posted...

Yeah and then everyone in my field and community for hundreds of miles hears about how I did this and that shitty ass thing and all this fucking nonsense with no perspective of the hell Ive been in and been subjected to

and if it comes up you'll give them your side of the story and they'll either believe you or not, it won't be the end of the world and certainly not the fucking rocket science you're making it out to be

unless you actually like being in an abusive relationship, get off on the neediness of your partner and love acting exasperated about it after the fact

I mean I figure the fucking SCREEDS I have received while I kept my cool and tried to defuse and apologize and reach understanding are evidence enough that they fucking suck

I have not conducted myself perfectly, but nothing Ive done has been abusive or ill-intentioned
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I dont want to be a bad person, I didnt mean to just fucking get off and leave but I had to. It felt too real and I just wish that could be okay and that being told I forgive you and its okay could be taken at face value
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Kaiganeer posted...

Tactical_Spork posted...

I am completely at a loss as to what to even do

no you're not. break it off, explain why in detail and then block her number and her social media

this 100% this in bold.
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0AbsoluteZero0 posted...

I dont know why youre even entertaining this BS, TC. Its clear that (he?/she?) is toxic and is only going to drag you down too. Things arent gonna magically get better.

This. I've followed this whole situation with you loosely. You seem to keep just wanting to find and welcome misery back into your life. Nothing will change until you knock it off and move forward. Keep making the same mistakes, and keep bringing in the same problems. You already know this though. You are choosing to not let it end and drag you down. If you really want things to change, you know how to change it. Do it, or don't. It's tough being sympathetic anymore.
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The one thing they have been right about that Im realizing now, is that Ive been holding onto the idea of the relationship and the idea that it can be as good as it feels sometimes, all the time. As such Ive held onto it through so much shit and tried to keep it going in moments where we both wanted it to be over, because even though I spent so much time dreading the relatiomship, in the moment and being there when its good felt so good, and when faced with the end that is what would come to mind rather than my misery.

Does this make me a piece of shit? I dont know if Im a decent person anymore guys
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Tactical_Spork posted...

The one thing they have been right about that Im realizing now, is that Ive been holding onto the idea of the relationship and the idea that it can be as good as it feels sometimes, all the time. As such Ive held onto it through so much shit and tried to keep it going in moments where we both wanted it to be over, because even though I spent so much time dreading the relatiomship, in the moment and being there when its good felt so good, and when faced with the end that is what would come to mind rather than my misery.

Does this make me a piece of shit? I dont know if Im a decent person anymore guys

No, it makes you human. What you need to realize is there's more out there, and potentially someone for you that isn't crazy, that can make you feel that way, and is more tolerable and the relationship can be more enjoyable overall.

You are holding yourself back man. You MUST drive on and move forward. Find someone better, you won't if you don't try. Take risks, don't fear rejection, and make your love life better with a bit of effort.
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Tactical_Spork posted...

iClockwork posted...

Who the fuck is they.

Can we just not please

I was asking in honesty since I have no idea what this is about.

the way they're telling you that you manipulated them, their hot and cold behavior - you shouldn't have to deal with that. they are trying to manipulate you in some warped way and you deserve better. cut ties, block numbers, do what you have to do

sorry you're going through this
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We never even [did thing] like you said we would and its been a fucking month!

Yeah cuz the two times we had planned to do it you decided wed do something else and aside from that not 12 fucking hours all has gone by all month without you having a meltdown. There were 1 or 2 instances where it was planned in addition to other plans and we ended up not having time. Fucking christ.
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Oh yeah the night after I had abandoned them we were supposed to hang out; I cancelled because I had injured my knee the night before and then worked on my feet all day on no sleep. This was a HUGE problem. Like, cancelling was what set off the fucking war
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I'm glad I removed all people from my life like this and I don't need to deal with any of that crap lol
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*paragraphs*
YOURE IGNORING ME WHEN I NEED YOU HERE
*paragraphs*
Im at work.
*paragraphs*
Im sorry, I understand, and I wish things had gone differently.
*paragraphs*
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kingdrake2 posted...

Kaiganeer posted...

Tactical_Spork posted...

I am completely at a loss as to what to even do

no you're not. break it off, explain why in detail and then block her number and her social media

this 100% this in bold.

Yeah. It's a no brainer.
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Dude get out of this

Shes clearly too immature/insecure for a relationship. It is toxic and not good for you. Honestly if I were you Id cut ties and move across the country because it seems like you surround yourself with shitty people

That they feel the need to identify as they should have been a red flag
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any moment you spend interacting with this person is contributing negatively to your life, so you need to stop doing it without exception
you cant place yourself second to their own feelings or convince yourself that the effort spent may pay off eventually because the trauma youre definitively going through now will not ever be fully mended regardless
it may feel selfish, but when you place your focus on improving your own happiness first then it will improve all of your relationships in time
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Conflict posted...

How do you honestly manage to keep dating these insanely manipulative people that threaten to spread lies to everyone around you

It's fucking nuts. Your life really is a Lifetime TV special

Because Ive only dated people that have pursued me tbh, rather than the other way around

And I dont even bitch here about my family or my job or what have you as much anymore. Im actually amazed I havent suffered a stroke lmao
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prettyprincess posted...

any moment you spend interacting with this person is contributing negatively to your life, so you need to stop doing it without exception
you cant place yourself second to their own feelings or convince yourself that the effort spent may pay off eventually because the trauma youre definitively going through now will not ever be fully mended regardless
it may feel selfish, but when you place your focus on improving your own happiness first then it will improve all of your relationships in time

But am I responsible for the trauma they are now going through? Am I also abusive in this situation? I dont know the answer or know whats right
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But not just for that, for convincing them to not break up so many times, for allowing it to continue and trying to salvage it well after it was apparent it sucked. Is that abusive or am I just sad and desperate for validation and affection?
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Like yes I agree we need to break up but stop fucking texting me about it while Im at work
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Tactical_Spork posted...

But am I responsible for the trauma they are now going through? Am I also abusive in this situation? I dont know the answer or know whats right

Tactical_Spork posted...

But not just for that, for convincing them to not break up so many times, for allowing it to continue and trying to salvage it well after it was apparent it sucked. Is that abusive or am I just sad and desperate for validation and affection?

the ultimate and most important part of this is no, and that it doesnt generate an excuse to continue your own suffering regardless of if you do decide to blame yourself
they may even cite you as the reason for their own suffering but it does not make you responsible in that you did not act maliciously to make that so
the desire to work at building a healthy relationship and the pusuit of that acted out in good faith can simply turn out to be mistaken and not leave a fix to be had, the greatest resolution here is to recognize that continuing at it will merely prolong and deepen the negative aspects for both of you
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How the hell can someone be so clingy that they flip out when you go to work? **** that, bail and never look back. Who cares what other people think, just tell them she was being completely bat **** and you tried to make it work, but she won't even let you go to work without blowing up your phone.
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iClockwork posted...

Who the fuck is they.

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You knew it was a snake when you picked it up.
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TC, I saw this a while ago and dismissed it as tumblr quote garbage, but I think it's actually very fitting in your situation. I hope it helps.


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Theyve outright asked me in the past, in tears, if they have become abusive

I said no, I comforted and reassured

I lied because a better person behind it
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How does any of this translate into a lack of empathy on my end? I wish so badly that I could take things back or be there in the way that is needed. The thought that I am unable to help someone I care about hurting has had me in tears multiple times this week

I just feel like Im not allowed to have human emotions and Im expected to always have a perfect answer
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I told them they were not being abusive towards me, because I did not want them to shoulder that guilt
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you need to let go of your mistakes and part in this. the fact of the situation is at bare minimum a toxic relationship no matter who's fault it is. you owe it to yourself to get out of that relationship even if you had a part to play in it. love yourself
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I don't know anything about the backstory. Just from the topic title:

Got back with the crazy person.

Excellent choices being made here.
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