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Coffeebeanz 10/04/18 2:36:24 PM #1: |
https://www.theonion.com/khalid-sheikh-mohammed-reluctantly-accepts-alternative-1819578552
However, court records indicate that just as the big game approached, Judge Ward called Mohammed to tell him his 60 days of service were complete. The man who has been linked to attacks in Kenya, Tanzania, Indonesia, Yemen, Kuwait, and Tunisia, in addition to the United States, is said to have called a team meeting to tell his disappointed players that they would have to win without him, prompting the boys to shake their heads in disgust and conclude that their coach didnt actually care about them after all. As he packed his suitcase to head back to Pakistan, Mohammed reportedly found in the pocket of his jacket a crumpled-up, handwritten batting order from his first Rockets game, and it is believed that he suddenly became emotional, ultimately deciding that he could not miss the teams shot at the league title. Hey, why arent you guys warming up? said the man who once had a $5 million bounty placed on his head by the U.S. government, arriving just minutes before the game to find his players, who believed they stood no chance of winning without their coach, sitting dejectedly in the dugout. You guys know Id never walk away with the championship on the line. Weve been through too much. Schuster, get that cannon of yours loosened up. The rest of you guys, start fielding some ground balls! Lets show them what the Rockets are made of! he added. Fans stated that despite being outmatched in size and skill at every position, the team remained even with the Knights until the bottom of the ninth inning, when, with two outs, tiny left fielder Timmy Squeaks Reynolds walked to the plate. Reportedly remembering what Coach M. had told him about big things coming in small packages, the scrawny child then belted a walk-off home run. According to sources, every jaw in the crowd dropped, a roar of applause erupted, and the victorious Rockets swarmed Mohammed in a celebratory dogpile. --- Physician [Internal Medicine] ... Copied to Clipboard!
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Coffeebeanz 10/04/18 2:37:02 PM #2: |
At first, I didnt want anything to do with coaching this team, because all I really cared about was myself, the terrorist mastermind said during a postgame speech. But you boys taught me what it means to believe in something bigger than yourself, and for the first time in my life, I found something I really, truly cared about. Im sure gonna miss you guys.
I hope you all know Ill always be a Rocket, a teary-eyed Mohammed continued. At press time, authorities confirmed the whereabouts of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed are unknown. --- Physician [Internal Medicine] ... Copied to Clipboard!
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