Current Events > Not sure how to keep myself distracted

(+) Yeah! (+)

Back in early February, felt some discomfort in my right testicle. So I felt it a bit, and it felt hard. Went a doctor the next day and said it was probably epididymitis and nothing to worry about. Prescribed some antibiotics and anti inflammatory medication and told me to wait a month and come back.

Go back in a month, no change. So he orders some blood tests and schedules an ultrasound. I have the blood drawn the same day, which all came back okay. And I wait about 3 weeks for the ultrasound appointment.

A day after the ultrasound, the doctor calls me and says they didn't see any solid masses but did see increased blood flow to it. They say not to worry, and refer me to a urologist. I'm thinking, no solid masses, sounds like a good thing, so I'm not worrying too much. I wait the month it takes to get into the urologist.

Last Friday, I go to the urologist. He immediately says there is a chance it could be 'something not good' and ordered more blood tests, looking for tumor markers. I get them done at the hospital immediately after leaving the urologist. I'm panicking so bad, I had to sit in my car at the parking garage for an hour before I felt able to drive home.

I get a call yesterday from one of the urologist's front desk people, she said he wants me to come in to review the results on Friday. Going in to get results, that's almost always bad, right? After the last appointment, they made a follow up appointment for the 18th, so if it wasn't something bad, they'd probably just have me come in then, or at least that's what I'm thinking.

So now I'm freaking out, trying everything to keep my mind distracted. It's not working. I'm more scared than I've ever been. I've got my wife of 3 years, the kindest woman in the world. I've got an amazing 1 year old girl. I'm terrified of not being there for them.

Growing up in an extremely dysfunctional home, having my own family was always my dream. I've actually had it come true, and now I'm so scared of it all coming to an end. I'm scared of leaving my daughter without her father.

I know I'm probably putting the cart before the horse... but I tend to overthink everything in general, and I'm having a hard time putting this out of my mind. Every time I think about it, my heart starts racing and I start hyperventilating, and I've still a couple days before the appointment.

I'm trying to put on a brave face, for my wife, for the baby, so I thought maybe venting here might help.