Current Events > I am dangerously close to cheating on my GF and I don't know what to do.

(+) Yeah! (+)

We've been together for a year now, and our relationship has been pretty standard for most of it. She's christian and was a virgin before we started dating, but we had sex pretty early on in the relationship. I have always been very respectful when it comes to sex, never initiated anything and always left that on her. She was upset with herself when we first did it, but she got over it and everything was basically normal for the first 10 months or so.

Around the 6 month mark she got on birth control and we stopped using condoms, but things started to gradually slow down sex wise from there. About 2 months ago (so 10 months dating) she said she wanted to stop having sex because she feels it's wrong and it makes her hate herself. She says the birth control has impacted her sex drive, which makes sense because things did start to slow down since she's been on it.

I love her and respect what she wants, and I've been doing my best to handle the situation, but it's pretty hard. We ended up having sex the other day (first time in 2 months) and she freaked out afterwards, like full on meltdown. She was balling her eyes out and saying she wanted to take a break...basically a massive over reaction. She initiated it, and I tried to resist but she kept going so yeah. We're good now, but I don't think I can realistically go without sex for months at a time.

She wants to wait till marriage, but that's not even an option right now. At minimum that's at least year from now before that's even considered.. I really don't want to break up with her, she's definitely the person I want to be with. I know if I go out and bang some chick it's going to mean absolutely nothing to me and will just be physical pleasure that I'm seeking. I know that's wrong morally, but the alternative is breaking up and I don't want that. I guess that's selfish and I should probably be honest with her and just tell her that the situation isn't going to work for me, but that means breaking up.

So I'm stuck with 3 options, 2 of which will make me feel like a total jackass. One, I can suck it up and just try and deal with it, but I don't think that's realistic. 2 I can break up with her and she'll hate me because I'll be breaking up over sex, especially since I've told her many times she means way more to me than just sex. 3, I can cheat on her and keep us both happy. I'd still be getting my physical needs met, and our relationship would continue as normal. But I'd be a cheating piece of **** so eh. Situation is so frustrating.
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you should just break up with her. you obviously have different expectations when it comes to sex and she's not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. it's best for you both to move on
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dump her because she deserves better
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Cheat on her and be quiet , what she doesnt know wont hurt her

Sounds like she's withholding sex to try and get you to marry her
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prince_leo posted...

you should just break up with her. you obviously have different expectations when it comes to sex and she's not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. it's best for you both to move on

Yeah I know that makes sense, but I feel like I'm to invested in her and the relationship at this point.

TheMikh posted...

dump her because she deserves better

Maybe I'm the one that deserves better?

ImmortalityV posted...

Cheat on her and be quiet , what she doesnt know wont hurt her

Nice user name man.
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frozenshock posted...

Sounds like she's withholding sex to try and get you to marry her

I considered this, but I can definitely tell the difference since she's been on birth control. She basically couldn't control herself at all before, but on bc she basically said she just barely ever gets horny anymore. Plus she knows we aren't ready to get married yet, I don't think she's trying to manipulate me into anything.
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if she was definitely the person, you would make the situation work
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If you can see yourself dumping her over this, she's not the one you want to be with for life.

Plus, there's no "the one". You'll find a chick you like just as much that puts out.
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She sounds like she doesn't trust you completely...
Maybe if you spend a little more time with her, she'll see you in a different way.
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Guerrilla Soldier posted...

if she was definitely the person, you would make the situation work

Yeah I get it, but that's exactly what I'm trying to do lol. I mean like I said, if I were to bang another girl I know it would mean absolutely nothing to me and there would be no emotional connection, just physical. I mean she won't even give me a bj for crying out loud, I'm not some 14 year old boy, I can't just survive on masturbating all the time.

OpShaft posted...

If you can see yourself dumping her over this, she's not the one you want to be with for life.

Plus, there's no "the one". You'll find a chick you like just as much that puts out.

Probably so, but I want her to be the one. Our sex life was great, and our relationship has been great. And that's kind of the problem I'm having, I can't see myself dumping her over this. That's why I'm so conflicted, I listed it as an option, but I know I won't break it off with her. So it's really going to come down to whether or not I can stay mentally strong or lose my mind and go pump and dump so random.
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Nah man. You should never seriously consider cheating on someone you intend to spend the rest of your life with.
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Darkrobotisback posted...

She sounds like she doesn't trust you completely...
Maybe if you spend a little more time with her, she'll see you in a different way.

She definitely has her share of issues, she's terrified that everyone knows she's not a virgin and thinks she's a slut. It's completely irrational, but she's a woman so that's just how that goes. It's not a trust issue at all, she was just raised as a christian, hell I was too. I just don't take things so literally and think the bible is extremely questionable.
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Sounds like she has some age old conceptions towards sex possibly because of her religion.

Her religion is making her feel guilty and she feels like she is letting god down. Its utterly ridiculous...what people will do in the name of religion, especially since she has a desire to marry you. At that point, it wouldnt matter to me. If Im set on marriage with X person, we are gonna do it and Im not gonna feel guilty
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prince_leo posted...

you should just break up with her. you obviously have different expectations when it comes to sex and she's not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. it's best for you both to move on

This.

If you cheat you're a dick, there's no excuse for that. Break it off before pursuing something else.
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sex is a fundamental part of relationships so it needs to be fixed

are you giving it to her right?

maybe go down on her or do foreplay to get her more enthusiastic?

should probably just break up imo if its really THAT big of a deal

or cheat

ImmortalityV posted...

what she doesnt know wont hurt her

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I don't know what to do

Don't cheat?
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Caution999 posted...

Sounds like she has some age old conceptions towards sex possibly because of her religion.

Her religion is making her feel guilty and she feels like she is letting god down. Its utterly ridiculous...what people will do in the name of religion, especially since she has a desire to marry you. At that point, it wouldnt matter to me. If Im set on marriage with X person, we are gonna do it and Im not gonna feel guilty

It's 100% this. I even brought up the same point, and she got mad because she couldn't counter it and told me to drop it lol.
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GodSlayer15 posted...

prince_leo posted...

you should just break up with her. you obviously have different expectations when it comes to sex and she's not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. it's best for you both to move on

Yeah I know that makes sense, but I feel like I'm to invested in her and the relationship at this point.

a year is an insignificant amount of time in a new relationship. his advice is sound.
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GodSlayer15 posted...

Yeah I know that makes sense, but I feel like I'm to invested in her and the relationship at this point.

Sunk cost fallacy
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Eevee-Trainer posted...

If you cheat you're a dick, there's no excuse for that. Break it off before pursuing something else.

I know, and I don't know if I actually will end up doing anything or not. I know the right thing to do is break up with her if I'm going to do that, this topic is probably more about venting some frustration then anything. I'm terrified of getting caught even if I was seriously going to try and cheat, so I likely never actually will.
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EpicMickeyDrew posted...

GodSlayer15 posted...

Yeah I know that makes sense, but I feel like I'm to invested in her and the relationship at this point.

Sunk cost fallacy

I get this as well, but it's not about that. I know it sounds like that based on that quote, but I genuinely love this girl and want to marry her someday, it's not about not wanting to start over with someone else or being with her too long that I don't want to waste throw that investment away. If it was that I would just dump her and move on.
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I don't know much about relationships (not really interested in having one), but what if you got a vasectomy? Or at least offered to get one. If you do get one, she won't even need birth control anymore, right?
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GodSlayer15 posted...

Caution999 posted...

Sounds like she has some age old conceptions towards sex possibly because of her religion.

Her religion is making her feel guilty and she feels like she is letting god down. Its utterly ridiculous...what people will do in the name of religion, especially since she has a desire to marry you. At that point, it wouldnt matter to me. If Im set on marriage with X person, we are gonna do it and Im not gonna feel guilty

It's 100% this. I even brought up the same point, and she got mad because she couldn't counter it and told me to drop it lol.

Yup. I mean she sounds like a nice person. You may have to wait it out . Id advise against cheating because that might open up a whole new can of worms. You could develop feelings with a FWB or vice versa. This comes down to how much youre willing to stand for the person you love.
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You should break up with her and get with someone who doesn't have massive hangups over sex. I get don't mean to sound disrespectful to her, or to imply sex is the most important thing to you (or anyone). But clearly you're not on the same page here.
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@ImmortalityV posted...

Cheat on her and be quiet , what she doesnt know wont hurt her

And you wonder why youre single?
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Don't break up just because of sex, that's stupid. Sex is not that important man, I don't know why you feel you need it so much. Why don't you just settle for oral sex and try to find a middle ground? Or just jerk off. This is a phase she's going through brother, you were her first and if you play your cards right you can be her only as well, don't be an idiot and throw away a great girl just because you're not busting as many nuts as you need. Go to couples counseling or something man.

Caution999 posted...

Yup. I mean she sounds like a nice person. You may have to wait it out . Id advise against cheating because that might open up a whole new can of worms. You could develop feelings with a FWB or vice versa. This comes down to how much youre willing to stand for the person you love.

Yeah I really want to be able to do this. The last 2 months have been rough for me though, I don't know if I can handle a year+ of that. I was super frustrated and horny all the time and just kept burying it, if we didn't end up having sex the other day I was ready to lose my mind. Like I generally feel like I have good morals and would never cheat, but until your in that situation...it's tough.

To be completely in love with someone and super attracted to them, on top of constantly being horny, and having no intimacy with that person? It's like torture. I was wacking it every day basically and that wasn't even helping.
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Sounds like you two arent compatible so you should either talk about this like adults and if a solution cant be reached break up.

Cheaters are the scum of the earth.
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lincoln002 posted...

Don't break up just because of sex, that's stupid. Sex is not that important man, I don't know why you feel you need it so much. Why don't you just settle for oral sex and try to find a middle ground? Or just jerk off. This is a phase she's going through brother, you were her first and if you play your cards right you can be her only as well, don't be an idiot and throw away a great girl just because you're not busting as many nuts as you need. Go to couples counseling or something man.

I'd be more than content with oral sex, but she feels exactly the same way about that. And jerking off only gets you so far and doesn't really fulfill sexual needs, at least not for me.
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Go_Totodile posted...

Sounds like you two arent compatible so you should either talk about this like adults and if a solution cant be reached break up.

Cheaters are the scum of the earth.

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Go_Totodile posted...

Sounds like you two arent compatible so you should either talk about this like adults and if a solution cant be reached break up.

Cheaters are the scum of the earth.

We do talk about it, I will probably have give it more time before trying to talk about it again. It's too sensitive right now. I don't think I'm going to cheat on her, I think I just needed to vent about the situation because I can't really talk to her about right now without her breaking down.
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Youre not asking for too much, youre just asking the wrong person.
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Infinite 2003 posted...

Go_Totodile posted...

Sounds like you two arent compatible so you should either talk about this like adults and if a solution cant be reached break up.

Cheaters are the scum of the earth.

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Couples counseling would probably be a good idea, if she is breaking down everytime you try to talk about why she gets so upset after sex an impartial 3rd party may be needed.

Honestly I think the reason she is getting so upset is because of the religious bs of no sex out of wedlock or your a whore garbage christians are brow beat with especially women.

Sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship so going without is not going to help this situation it will only agitate and piss you off due to frustration.

DO NOT CHEAT on her though, break up if you must but dont be the shit bag who cheats cause his woman is not keeping him sexually satisfied.

@GodSlayer15
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TC, did you see my post?
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Either abide by her wishes and stop having sex altogether while you are in a relationship with her, or you should break up with her and find someone whose views on sex are more compatible with yours. There is no middle ground that is going to work for both of you.
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>_>
<_<

ImmortalityV posted...

Cheat on her and be quiet , what she doesnt know wont hurt her

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prince_leo posted...

you should just break up with her. you obviously have different expectations when it comes to sex and she's not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. it's best for you both to move on

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prince_leo posted...

you should just break up with her. you obviously have different expectations when it comes to sex and she's not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. it's best for you both to move on

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Youre sexually incompatible. Thats a perfectly good reason to break up. Stop being a nice guy about it. Have an honest conversation with her and see how it goes. If it doesnt get better, then leave. Theres nothing wrong with that.

Breaking up is the only option.
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GodSlayer15 posted...

lincoln002 posted...

Don't break up just because of sex, that's stupid. Sex is not that important man, I don't know why you feel you need it so much. Why don't you just settle for oral sex and try to find a middle ground? Or just jerk off. This is a phase she's going through brother, you were her first and if you play your cards right you can be her only as well, don't be an idiot and throw away a great girl just because you're not busting as many nuts as you need. Go to couples counseling or something man.

I'd be more than content with oral sex, but she feels exactly the same way about that. And jerking off only gets you so far and doesn't really fulfill sexual needs, at least not for me.

If cheating would only be physical what sexual needs does sex provide you with that jerking off doesn't? Because the endgame is the exact same in sex and masturbation, orgasm.
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TheMikh posted...

dump her because she deserves better

hey man, he's done nothing wrong yet. her views make her seem batshit tbh; she says sex makes her feel morally fucked and yet she initiates it and strongarms him into it anyway only to guilt him after.

HE deserves better tbh, so ditch her tc. form a relationship w whoever you were gona cheat on her with. and don't pick another crazy religious nut.
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If you've talked to her frankly about your needs and she still doesn't want to have sex, I don't think you have any other option but to leave. Because she's probably not going to get off of birth control even if you're married, so the sexual dysfunction is going to persist. The worst would be to cheat on her. If she had sex with me and she started crying and bawling afterwords, that'd be enough for me to leave.

What's more important - the feeling of sex (which you can get from anyone) or your relationship with her?

If you end up cheating on her, just leave.
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the_cajun88 posted...

What's more important - the feeling of sex (which you can get from anyone) or your relationship with her?

It's barely a relationship if she refuses sex. It's not even like she just stopped showing an interest - by the sounds of it, she hates sex and is emotionally crippled by it. How can you be with a person like that in a real, romantic relationship?

Tell her to get off BC and go back to condoms. Or see someone about getting an IUD.
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You have to tell her how you feel. I think that is the only option.
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Sajo posted...

Tell her to get off BC and go back to condoms. Or see someone about getting an IUD.

That won't erase her feelings of guilt she has when she has sex with TC, only marriage will at this point. And if TC still genuinely believes that she's the girl he wants to marry, then he can wait until they are married before having sex ever again.
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