Current Events > My mother... died. Will you guys help me?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I'm truly in shock and utterly heartbroken. I don't know what to do with myself. I try not to whine and complain about trivial things here, but I'm in so much distress that I can't help it. I'd love to hear your stories of love and loss and the way you coped because I don't know how. I feel so alone. Now both my parents are gone. I'm too young to be without parents. My life will get so much harder now.

I really regret not talking to her before she died. We were in a fight a few days before and I told her to leave me alone. Then, she was just... gone. She died knowing I was still angry with her instead of knowing how much I loved her. I'll never forgive myself for that. I wish I could take it back, I wish I could talk to her again, I wish I could give her a big hug and tell her how much I treasured her. Now, I never ever can. I'll never get over this as long as I live.
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Sorry to hear that, TC. :(
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Wow
I'm actually really sorry to hear this. My mom just got over cancer, but she's getting old, and I don't think she's got long. I really hope you keep your chin up during this difficult time.
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I don't know what to say. I have never lost a human that I was that close to. never had much of a relationship with my grandparents....

but I hope you can feel better. maybe go to a grief counseling group.

SableWolfAngel posted...

I try not to whine and complain about trivial things here, but I'm in so much distress that I can't help it.

Losing a loved one is not trivial. I'm sorry for your loss, only real advice I can give is find someone to talk to about it.
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SableWolfAngel posted...

She died knowing I was still angry with her instead of knowing how much I loved her.

Please know that this is not true. She knows you love her.

I am so sorry for your loss TC, my condolences.

Also this, this so much

eggcorn posted...

Please know that this is not true. She knows you love her.

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Pepys Monster posted...

Sorry to hear that, TC. :(

Thank you...

nevershine posted...

Wow
I'm actually really sorry to hear this. My mom just got over cancer, but she's getting old, and I don't think she's got long. I really hope you keep your chin up during this difficult time.

Please, give your mom a big hug, for me. She deserves it.

Zikten posted...

I don't know what to say. I have never lost a human that I was that close to. never had much of a relationship with my grandparents....

but I hope you can feel better. maybe go to a grief counseling group.

I think I'm going to my my mom's regular therapist because my grandma goes to her, too. Maybe that will help.
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Did you guys otherwise have a good relationship? Realistically, was this just some spat that would have blown over eventually? If so, then don't beat yourself up. People that like each other are still allowed to get angry with one another every once in awhile.
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I would offer a means of coping but I usually cope in the worst ways.

All I can offer are my condolences. Really sorry to hear that Sable. :( *hug*
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GATTJT posted...

SableWolfAngel posted...

I try not to whine and complain about trivial things here, but I'm in so much distress that I can't help it.

Losing a loved one is not trivial. I'm sorry for your loss, only real advice I can give is find someone to talk to about it.

I didn't phrase that well. What I meant was I'm not trying to get attention or use my status to gain favor from the board. It's hard to put in words.

eggcorn posted...

SableWolfAngel posted...

She died knowing I was still angry with her instead of knowing how much I loved her.

Please know that this is not true. She knows you love her.

I really hope so. I loved her so much.

Sativa_Rose posted...

I am so sorry for your loss TC, my condolences.

Thank you...
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It doesnt get easier, it takes a part of you.

I know from experience
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That sucks, Sable. I know I kind of am a dick towards you at times but I just want you to know I'm sorry you have to go through this. My pop died when I was 11 so I know how this sort of thing is. I hope you don't feel bad because she knew how much you loved her even if you guys were fighting over trivial things.
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Shadowplay posted...

Did you guys otherwise have a good relationship? Realistically, was this just some spat that would have blown over eventually? If so, then don't beat yourself up. People that like each other are still allowed to get angry with one another every once in awhile.

The thing about that is, we were fighting about this guy she lets bum around her house who was always bringing bad people around, taking her car and crashing it, taking her rental car and racing with it and getting caught, and just being a bad influence. In the end, it was his fault she died, at least in my opinion.

Eevee-Trainer posted...

I would offer a means of coping but I usually cope in the worst ways.

All I can offer are my condolences. Really sorry to hear that Sable. :( *hug*

Thank you so much, Eevee.
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I'm very sorry to hear this. I have no doubts that she knew you loved her very much, even if things had been rough.
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KiwiTerraRizing posted...

It doesnt get easier, it takes a part of you.

I know from experience

That's very civil for a Fam member. I appreciate it, thank you.

DocileOrangeCup posted...

That sucks, Sable. I know I kind of am a dick towards you at times but I just want you to know I'm sorry you have to go through this. My pop died when I was 11 so I know how this sort of thing is. I hope you don't feel bad because she knew how much you loved her even if you guys were fighting over trivial things.

Maybe you could stop being a dick to me now. My spirit is weak and I don't think I can take much more. It doesn't matter too much. I doubt I'll be active on the boards for a long time.
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SableWolfAngel posted...

Maybe you could stop being a dick to me now. My spirit is weak and I don't think I can take much more. It doesn't matter too much. I doubt I'll be active on the boards for a long time.

I thought that message was pretty nice....

Sorry if that upset you for some reason.
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SableWolfAngel posted...

The thing about that is, we were fighting about this guy she lets bum around her house who was always bringing bad people around, taking her car and crashing it, taking her rental car and racing with it and getting caught, and just being a bad influence. In the end, it was his fault she died, at least in my opinion.

Well it sounds like it was just a temporary flare up of emotions. I'm sure she loved you regardless of one incident out of all the time you knew her.
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KogaSteelfang posted...

I'm very sorry to hear this. I have no doubts that she knew you loved her very much, even if things had been rough.

I wouldn't mind talking to you more. I know you've had no shortage of pain in your life, what with your father and all those childhood injuries. Maybe we can comfort each other, if only for a little while.

Zurkon posted...

I'm so sorry :( I wish I knew what to say. I can't even imagine how hard that has to be. *hug*

Thank you...
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I know we dont know eachother but you can hit me with venting PMs if you need to. Its not the same as a good friend or anything, but I would be okay with cracking a beer or six open with you and just listening and or talking about whatever.

I know its tough, and Im sorry. She didnt die, she just went home. Shes watching over you now. Do what you gotta do and then continue to make her proud.

Losing a friend or family member around the holidays is always extra tough. I lost my mother 13 years ago. Takes a long time to get over shit like that. I hope you have a decent support structure in place.

KiwiTerraRizing posted...

It doesnt get easier, it takes a part of you.

I know from experience

This is excessively melodramatic. It gets easier to deal with the loss, but you never really get over it.
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I lost my father and best friend 11 year ago suddenly.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I think if I lost mother I'd probably just end it.

be stronger than me. Someone told me when my father died "The cut is deep, but it will stop bleeding, even though the scar will be there forever".

All I can say is I'm sorry, and if you need to talk to someone who's lost someone close, feel free to message me.
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death's in the family always hit the hardest closest to the holiday.

condolences regardless. i lost my mom around 4 days before thanksgiving died from a heart attack (she was sick for a long time).
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DocileOrangeCup posted...

SableWolfAngel posted...

Maybe you could stop being a dick to me now. My spirit is weak and I don't think I can take much more. It doesn't matter too much. I doubt I'll be active on the boards for a long time.

I thought that message was pretty nice....

Sorry if that upset you for some reason.

I'm not upset, I'm just asking you to be kind now.

Shadowplay posted...

SableWolfAngel posted...

The thing about that is, we were fighting about this guy she lets bum around her house who was always bringing bad people around, taking her car and crashing it, taking her rental car and racing with it and getting caught, and just being a bad influence. In the end, it was his fault she died, at least in my opinion.

Well it sounds like it was just a temporary flare up of emotions. I'm sure she loved you regardless of one incident out of all the time you knew her.

I'm going to spend the rest of my life telling anyone who will listen how much I loved her. Maybe my love will reach her spirit and give her a peaceful afterlife.
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SableWolfAngel posted...

I'm not upset, I'm just asking you to be kind now.

like from here on out? yeah totally, anything i can do to make any type of positive impact on your mood is worth doing imo.
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SableWolfAngel posted...

I wouldn't mind talking to you more. I know you've had no shortage of pain in your life, what with your father and all those childhood injuries. Maybe we can comfort each other, if only for a little while.

Of course, whatever you need. Feel free to contact me any time. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be online tonight, but if you need to talk I can stay up.
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Yeah, it's a horrible feeling. I have experienced that before, on my family and outside of it. But the one that truly I'm always incapable of dealing is when my girlfriend died, 5 years ago.

It's jarring, you don't know what to think, how to deal with it, what to do, and then you remember it just happened.

I'd like to tell you that I have tips or helpful comments, but that would be a lie. I live with that moment in my mind, because it's (partially, as one of my friend tries to tell me, but I think she says it just so I don't feel that bad) my fault. One day there, next day, gone.

One thing I can tell you, don't try suicide. It might seem tempting, but really, it's pretty bad. I almost did it, thinking about that decision, I'm kinda glad I didn't do it. One my "friends" (I liked her as a friend, she hated me) did do it, and I miss her, even if she hated me.

Overall, I managed that (not really a wonderful achievment), I lied for my whole career (which I did because is something she loved, I don't really like it) and now I work in that field. Pretty unhappy with that, but what can you do.

Stay strong, I know you can deal with this. Don't fall into the vortex of depression, it's not wonderful. I would know, it's pretty bad there. I just accept things now, if life wants to give me the tough treatment, I just take it. Life took what I loved, so it can't take any more from me.
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I don't even know what to say, I think you need to be around friends and family, they can help you get through this better than CE.

How did she die?
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My mother was abusive and mean spirited. I'm no help sorry. I hope you had a better mom in life at least.
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Do the best that you can, that is all you have control over.
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How did it happen?

I am so sorry for your loss, TC. But please, know this man...your Mom still knew you loved her, even in that argument. Everyone has disagreements, but those heated moments won't take away that you still love that individual. Please do not tell yourself that, and know that you two loved each other. :c
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rhklce posted...

I know we dont know eachother but you can hit me with venting PMs if you need to. Its not the same as a good friend or anything, but I would be okay with cracking a beer or six open with you and just listening and or talking about whatever.

I know its tough, and Im sorry. She didnt die, she just went home. Shes watching over you now. Do what you gotta do and then continue to make her proud.

I hope you're right. She isn't in pain anymore. Maybe she's happy now that she shook off her mortal coil. I just didn't want her to go yet...

Alucard188 posted...

Losing a friend or family member around the holidays is always extra tough. I lost my mother 13 years ago. Takes a long time to get over shit like that. I hope you have a decent support structure in place.

I wish I did. I have my grandmother, but she's old so she won't be around for much longer. I have my aunt, my mom's younger sister, but she lives far away and is busy with her own life and problems. I kinda have my uncle's, my mother's older brother, spouse, but she's already grieving because he died a month ago. I don't exactly have a close knit family. I'm relying on my friends right now, mostly.

AustonMatthews posted...

I lost my father and best friend 11 year ago suddenly.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I think if I lost mother I'd probably just end it.

be stronger than me. Someone told me when my father died "The cut is deep, but it will stop bleeding, even though the scar will be there forever".

All I can say is I'm sorry, and if you need to talk to someone who's lost someone close, feel free to message me.

Tell your mother you love her, for me. You never know when you're going to lose her, like I did.

kingdrake2 posted...

death's in the family always hit the hardest closest to the holiday.

condolences regardless. i lost my mom around 4 days before thanksgiving died from a heart attack (she was sick for a long time).

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope we both find the comfort we need.
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I am so sorry for your loss TC. I can't even begin to imagine what this must be doing to you.
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Don't dwell on the memories you didn't have with her, remember the memories you did.
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Speaking from a similar situation TC, I can tell you that my heart still hurts months later.

All I'll say is, cry if you have to, talk if you want to, but try to understand that your mother lives on through you, that even if you were fighting she loved you, and that you've got people for support when you need it.

It's going to hurt now and for awhile yet, but all you can do is keep trying--for yourself and for her.

DocileOrangeCup posted...

SableWolfAngel posted...

I'm not upset, I'm just asking you to be kind now.

like from here on out? yeah totally, anything i can do to make any type of positive impact on your mood is worth doing imo.

That's all I ask, that's all I need from you.

KogaSteelfang posted...

SableWolfAngel posted...

I wouldn't mind talking to you more. I know you've had no shortage of pain in your life, what with your father and all those childhood injuries. Maybe we can comfort each other, if only for a little while.

Of course, whatever you need. Feel free to contact me any time. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be online tonight, but if you need to talk I can stay up.

Not tonight, but soon. Do you have Discord? The message system here is terrible.

Lagfile posted...

Yeah, it's a horrible feeling. I have experienced that before, on my family and outside of it. But the one that truly I'm always incapable of dealing is when my girlfriend died, 5 years ago.

It's jarring, you don't know what to think, how to deal with it, what to do, and then you remember it just happened.

I'd like to tell you that I have tips or helpful comments, but that would be a lie. I live with that moment in my mind, because it's (partially, as one of my friend tries to tell me, but I think she says it just so I don't feel that bad) my fault. One day there, next day, gone.

One thing I can tell you, don't try suicide. It might seem tempting, but really, it's pretty bad. I almost did it, thinking about that decision, I'm kinda glad I didn't do it. One my "friends" (I liked her as a friend, she hated me) did do it, and I miss her, even if she hated me.

Overall, I managed that (not really a wonderful achievment), I lied for my whole career (which I did because is something she loved, I don't really like it) and now I work in that field. Pretty unhappy with that, but what can you do.

Stay strong, I know you can deal with this. Don't fall into the vortex of depression, it's not wonderful. I would know, it's pretty bad there. I just accept things now, if life wants to give me the tough treatment, I just take it. Life took what I loved, so it can't take any more from me.

I'm on the fence about ending it all. I don't want to go away forever, I just want the pain to stop. As shallow as this sounds, I would feel so so so much better if I had a significant other to help and comfort me. If I could spend the night in the arms of someone I loved romantically, I know my pain would be eased. I really need that, but I'm single right now so I can't hope for that at all.

Re-iNcarnated posted...

I don't even know what to say, I think you need to be around friends and family, they can help you get through this better than CE.

Just reading everyone's messages is bringing me some comfort.

armandro posted...

How did she die?

We won't get the report for a long time, but it looks like a heroin overdose.
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Condolences. I can't imagine how you feel right now.
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I'm so sorry to hear that Sable.
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How to cope and get through loss? Well, it's different for everyone. It will hurt, and as time goes on it will gradually hurt less. Sort of like a stereo getting turned down over a period of time. It's loud at first, but gradually subsides to a faint, yet audible, hum. Basically, you'll just have to suffer for a while. No quick fix, unless you're emotionally inept. Which in that cause, it's unlikely that you'd care in the first place.

I lost my father when i was 13. He died of a heart attack caused from a severe stroke that he had years earlier. He had the stroke when I was a mere 7 years old, and it happened right in front of me. He was walking up to pay for my meal, at a local mom and pop restaurant, when he began to stagger over, as if he had been shot or something. He was invincible in my eyes - the eyes of a child - so my world was completely shattered seeing him lie there seizuring. I can clearly remember screaming "call 911! Call 911!" to the waitress.

The stroke caused complete paralysis of the left side of his body. He basically became an invalint, and my mother had to take care of him. I remember kids at school laughing and making fun of me because my dad was paralyzed. That caused me great pain, and I can remember that I began to resent my father because of the shame that the situation caused me. In the years to follow, I slowly started to ignore him. I remember that I would avoid going in his room. I can recall him saying "I love you, son" as I would leave in the morning for school, and I would completely ignore him.

I have much regret for the way that I behaved, but it's too late for me to take it back now. I shouldn't have ignored him. I shouldn't have resented him. I shouldn't have let other kids get to me with their mockery. I have to live with that now, and I'm ashamed of myself. I feel like complete shit every time I think about how I handled the situation.

Looking back now, in a way, I kinda lost him twice. The first time when he had the stroke, and I pulled away from him, then again when actually died.

This has been...? 20 years ago or more? Wow... Time flies. Anyway. It makes it more difficult when you need closure, but can't get it because the person is now gone. However, it DOES get better with time. You just have to dig in and keep on keeping on.
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SableWolfAngel posted...

We won't get the report for a long time, but it looks like a heroin overdose.

damn. thats what my pop died from indirectly (Years of abuse led to heart failure)
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obeseexplosive posted...

My mother was abusive and mean spirited. I'm no help sorry. I hope you had a better mom in life at least.

The only upside to that I can see is that you didn't feel the same pain I'm feeling right now. Regardless, I'm sorry you had such a tough time.

ehhwhatever posted...

Do the best that you can, that is all you have control over.

My best wasn't enough to save her so why bother?

Punctus_Pilot posted...

How did it happen?

It's looking like a heroin overdose.

Frosted_Midna posted...

I am so sorry for your loss, TC. But please, know this man...your Mom still knew you loved her, even in that argument. Everyone has disagreements, but those heated moments won't take away that you still love that individual. Please do not tell yourself that, and know that you two loved each other. :c

I don't know. Maybe if we weren't fighting, she wouldn't have been driven to try and take the pain away with drugs. Maybe if I had been kinder instead of stubborn, she would have felt fulfilled enough to not do what she did. I know you all are saying the opposite, but for right now all I'm thinking about is how guilty I feel and how I could have saved her.

BB mofo posted...

I am so sorry for your loss TC. I can't even begin to imagine what this must be doing to you.

It's ripping my soul apart. I'll never be able to be truly happy again.
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Yeah as everyone has echoed, of course a small argument doesn't change a lifetime of love and the significance of what you meant to her, so she knows you love her. It is going to suck and it's going to fucking hurt. You know it hurts so much because of how important the relationship was to you, so that's where you have to seek comfort. You had this beautiful thing to hold in your heart. Therapist could be a good thing, but maybe just take some time for yourself first, be with people who love you.

It will take a long time but yes, all pain does dull over time, believe me.
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SableWolfAngel posted...

Not tonight, but soon. Do you have Discord? The message system here is terrible.

I don't, but I've been considering checking into it. I'll probably go ahead and get it sometime so we can talk easier. I'll let you know when I do.
Since you don't need anything tonight, I'm going to go ahead and sleep. I hope you can manage to get some peace and rest too. Good night.
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AustonMatthews posted...

"The cut is deep, but it will stop bleeding, even though the scar will be there forever".

This is a good way to put it. I lost my father when I was 17, over 11 years ago. I still think about him and the day he died quite often, though it doesn't hurt now, it's more just a sadness.

Your mum knew you loved her. That's what's important.
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SableWolfAngel posted...

I'll never be able to be truly happy again.

It feels like that now, in this moment, because you are in a thick fog. You ever been in a thick fog in real life? It can be damned hard to see past it. It can look like there is nothing else, that fog is the only thing that ever will be.

No amount of cliche "time heals all wounds" will actually help you right now.

This will sound callus, but you'll just have to go through the hurt for a while.

Just hold on. If you can't do anything else, like move forward, just plant your feet.
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