Current Events > Had an engagement party over the weekend, friend who RSVPed Yes didn't come.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Do I confront them about it?

This dude has a history of flaking out on parties after saying yes, so we weren't entirely surprised about is, but this was me and my fiance's engagement party that we catered and put a lot of work into. We actually ended up getting an extra tray of food because we were expecting him and his family (3) and one of my dad's friends (he's planning on asking them himself).

I went to this guy's engagement party, and was even one of his groomsmen at his wedding, so I'm bothered by this. Do I ask him what happened or just keep going "oh that's just (name) being (name), lol." and not bring it up?
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sorry, so was it 1 person who failed to show or 5+
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seems like a shitty friend then
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Darkman124 posted...

sorry, so was it 1 person who failed to show or 5+

It was 3. Him, his wife, and their toddler son. Two other people didn't show but they're unrelated.
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Some people have no manners. I would just ride the positive vibes and let him be. It's no reason to cause a rift.
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ForestLogic posted...

It was 3. Him, his wife, and their babby. Two other people didn't show but they're unrelated.

3 of how many total at the event
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Darkman124 posted...

ForestLogic posted...

It was 3. Him, his wife, and their babby. Two other people didn't show but they're unrelated.

3 of how many total at the event

Around 40.
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Do you want to keep being his friend? If so then talk to him about so he'll hopefully be more considerate in the future. If not then just don't bother inviting him to things anymore.
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I mean, it's on him to reach out to you and offer an explanation unless there was some sort of family tragedy which takes precedence in his mind-space over your party. Something like that would be a perfectly valid reason for not getting in touch.
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Uninvited from wedding

Leave it at that
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DifferentialEquation posted...

Do you want to keep being his friend? If so then talk to him about so he'll hopefully be more considerate in the future. If not then just don't bother inviting him to things anymore.

Tbqh not really, after this. Like I said he's had a long history of flaking out on stuff he said he'd come to, and normally it's not a big deal, but this one was irritating cuz like I said earlier we actually decided to order extra food because we were about 5 people over what our food package was estimated to feed.

Honestly the thing I'm most concerned about is inviting them to our wedding. Like I said I was in this dudes groomsmen so I feel like the right thing to do is to invite them to our wedding. But if there's the chance they're gonna RSVP yes and then not show up, idk ifi wanna bother extending that invitation...
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honestly, weddings are going to be the first real test to show you who your true friends are.

you will likely have a lot of people that you think are your friends, people you used to hang out with, but then you invite them to the wedding and how they treat this invitation is similar to how they view your friendship in general.

for my wedding, i had a ton of friends i invited that told me they couldn't make it, had vacations planned, etc even though they had a save the date for a year, and i had others that never even bothered to RSVP. I've had to come to the realization that we just aren't friends. Meanwhile I had others who were there celebrating with me all night and were telling me how much they valued our friendship. Same goes for my wife and the people in her life.

as you get older your life will be increasingly more around celebrating milestones like this, and if a friend is not around for that milestone it doesn't matter if they showed up to the bar last weekend or whatever.
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ForestLogic posted...

DifferentialEquation posted...

Do you want to keep being his friend? If so then talk to him about so he'll hopefully be more considerate in the future. If not then just don't bother inviting him to things anymore.

Tbqh not really, after this. Like I said he's had a long history of flaking out on stuff he said he'd come to, and normally it's not a big deal, but this one was irritating cuz like I said earlier we actually decided to order extra food because we were about 5 people over what our food package was estimated to feed.

Honestly the thing I'm most concerned about is inviting them to our wedding. Like I said I was in this dudes groomsmen so I feel like the right thing to do is to invite them to our wedding. But if there's the chance they're gonna RSVP yes and then not show up, idk ifi wanna bother extending that invitation...

If you were one of his groomsmen, I would at least invite him to your wedding even if you don't want to deal with him after that. Don't give him an excuse make you the bad guy or the petty one.
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I'm usually that friend who flakes on stuff, and with a toddler it's pretty easy to just flat out forget important stuff like this. I'd ask him about it, be straight-forward, and maybe put a thin layer of guilt on it so he'll be more likely to remember the big day. He is still your friend after all
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fenderbender321 posted...

--kresnik-- posted...

Some people have no manners. I would just ride the positive vibes and let him be. It's no reason to cause a rift.

This x 100000. You're his friend, so you should act like it. Friends need you to have their backs at all times and in all situations. That means shutting down any negative feelings you have about this situation.

To be fair he's a pretty shitty friend. Like eight years ago he said he would fix my mother's laptop, and as thanks they gave him their pool table they didn't want anymore.

Over the years I've seen the laptop all over his basement. Half under the couch, buried in debris while he was renovating it into a man cave, tucked away behind his desk, etc... Fast forward to present day my mother never got it back, and meanwhile he still has their pool table.

Not to mention, no exaggeration, he's literally not shown up to every single party/hangout (at least 5 or 6) we've invited them to this year, despite saying he'd come to nearly every one of them. He still invites us to his barbecues and stuff, and we go to them cuz they're fun, but man.
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ForestLogic posted...

fenderbender321 posted...

--kresnik-- posted...

Some people have no manners. I would just ride the positive vibes and let him be. It's no reason to cause a rift.

This x 100000. You're his friend, so you should act like it. Friends need you to have their backs at all times and in all situations. That means shutting down any negative feelings you have about this situation.

To be fair he's a pretty shitty friend. Like eight years ago he said he would fix my mother's laptop, and as thanks they gave him their pool table they didn't want anymore.

Over the years I've seen the laptop all over his basement. Half under the couch, buried in debris while he was renovating it into a man cave, tucked away behind his desk, etc... Fast forward to present day my mother never got it back, and meanwhile he still has their pool table.

Not to mention, no exaggeration, he's literally not shown up to every single party/hangout (at least 5 or 6) we've invited them to this year, despite saying he'd come to nearly every one of them. He still invites us to his barbecues and stuff, and we go to them cuz they're fun, but man.

doesn't really sound like a good friend tbh.

reminds me of that episode of Spongebob: "Squidward's always been there for us when it was convenient for him!"
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who cares tbh. you're spending silly amounts of money on a party, what's an extra 3 plates of food, like $100? Just take the loss and deal.
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fenderbender321 posted...

ForestLogic posted...

He still invites us to his barbecues and stuff, and we go to them cuz they're fun, but man.

If it were me, I'd look at the guy as a friend where you get what you get. If his BBQs are fun, I'd keep things cool with him so as not to lose that.

Do I still invite him to the wedding?
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ForestLogic posted...

fenderbender321 posted...

ForestLogic posted...

He still invites us to his barbecues and stuff, and we go to them cuz they're fun, but man.

If it were me, I'd look at the guy as a friend where you get what you get. If his BBQs are fun, I'd keep things cool with him so as not to lose that.

Do I still invite him to the wedding?

Yes. Stop being a baby about it.
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Why the fuck are you asking us talk to him
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If he doesn't show up to your wedding then you cut him out. Just don't make him a Groomsmen so it's not a big deal if he flakes.
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fenderbender321 posted...

--kresnik-- posted...

Some people have no manners. I would just ride the positive vibes and let him be. It's no reason to cause a rift.

This x 100000. You're his friend, so you should act like it. Friends need you to have their backs at all times and in all situations. That means shutting down any negative feelings you have about this situation.

In case it's not obviously, don't listen to these posts.
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Far more than you if you think being a good friend means letting them shit all over you. Yes, you should have your friend's back. Which is why the other guy was not acting like a friend by constantly flaking.
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Sir Will posted...

fenderbender321 posted...

--kresnik-- posted...

Some people have no manners. I would just ride the positive vibes and let him be. It's no reason to cause a rift.

This x 100000. You're his friend, so you should act like it. Friends need you to have their backs at all times and in all situations. That means shutting down any negative feelings you have about this situation.

In case it's not obviously, don't listen to these posts.

Exactly what I came to say. fender has a knack for finding the shittiest position on any discussion.
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fenderbender321 posted...

Sir Will posted...

Far more than you if you think being a good friend means letting them shit all over you. Yes, you should have your friend's back. Which is why the other guy was not acting like a friend by constantly flaking.

2 wrongs don't make a right, and not showing up to something you RSVP for isn't "shitting all over" somebody. It's absolutely impolite, but it's important to think about the other person than yourself all the time.

Which is exactly what the 'friend' is not doing by constantly flaking out (not a one time thing remember) and giving no explanation or warning they can't make it.

You're wrong.
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fenderbender321 posted...

Sir Will posted...

Far more than you if you think being a good friend means letting them shit all over you. Yes, you should have your friend's back. Which is why the other guy was not acting like a friend by constantly flaking.

2 wrongs don't make a right, and not showing up to something you RSVP for isn't "shitting all over" somebody. It's absolutely impolite, but it's important to think about the other person than yourself all the time.

it absolutely is shitting over someone. if you make a commitment to go to something important like an engagement party, and you dont show up, that's a big middle finger to this person that not only counted on your support but explicitly went out of his way to include you and even pay for your plate.

if something big came up (family emergency etc) and he just could not make it, that's understandable, but if he was just at home chilling and forgot to go because he couldn't be bothered to put it in his calendar, why would you want to continue to pursue a friendship with this person?
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fenderbender321 posted...

Romulox28 posted...

if something big came up (family emergency etc) and he just could not make it, that's understandable, but if he was just at home chilling and forgot to go because he couldn't be bothered to put it in his calendar, why would you want to continue to pursue a friendship with this person?

Because friendships are beneficial. Because you should care about your friends. Because there is nothing to lose by continuing to be his friend. Because there are different levels of friendship, too...maybe this guy is a "yeah let's chill and have BBQs sometimes, but ehhh I dunno about weddings and stuff" kind of guy, and unfortunately it costed TC a plate of dinner to learn that. Oh well, it's a sunk cost. He doesn't have to cost you anything else if you play your cards right.

ehhh

i thought like this when i was younger, but the older i get the more i realize the value in not wasting time on stuff like this.

friendship is (obviously) a two way street, and clearly this dude is not reciprocating. what value would maintaining social connections with this guy bring? you clearly cant count on him for anything of importance and your relationship will not progress as a result.

so how would maintaining contact with this guy benefit TC? obviously the friend has someone who will invite him to shit when he has nothing better to do, but TC has to be the one who absorbs the dismissal
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fenderbender321 posted...

Because there are different levels of friendship, too...maybe this guy is a "yeah let's chill and have BBQs sometimes, but ehhh I dunno about weddings and stuff" kind of guy,

This is absolutely true, but like I mentioned earlier in the thread, the guy literally had me be one of his groomsmen 3 years ago.
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