Current Events > The Ocean Sunfish is a really weird fish

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nativengine
09/22/17 9:44:53 AM
#1:


KBQ8EQn

Just look at it, what the fuck sunfish.

WHAT. THE. FUCK!!!
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prettyprincess
09/22/17 9:50:15 AM
#2:


the ocean is hell
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nativengine
09/22/17 10:28:03 AM
#3:


Apparently that fucker doesn't have a swim bladder.
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apolloooo
09/22/17 10:28:25 AM
#4:


How do they faste?
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Taharqa_
09/22/17 10:30:49 AM
#5:


apolloooo posted...
How do they faste?


I'd imagine pretty bad, they smell really bad and they're slimy, not too many things eat them. They're related to puffer fish.
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saspa
09/23/17 2:44:38 PM
#6:


Taharqa_ posted...
apolloooo posted...
How do they faste?


I'd imagine pretty bad, they smell really bad and they're slimy, not too many things eat them. They're related to puffer fish.

How the hell were you able to figure out he meant taste so quickly? I was reading it as fast (as in what mostlims do during ramadan) the entire time and was just befuddled at his post.
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gafemaqs
09/23/17 2:45:49 PM
#7:


saspa posted...
Taharqa_ posted...
apolloooo posted...
How do they faste?


I'd imagine pretty bad, they smell really bad and they're slimy, not too many things eat them. They're related to puffer fish.

How the hell were you able to figure out he meant taste so quickly? I was reading it as fast (as in what mostlims do during ramadan) the entire time and was just befuddled at his post.

The f kinda looks like a t
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ImTheMacheteGuy
09/23/17 2:47:30 PM
#8:


yeah but it can teach you a song that allows you to teleport to a specific room
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GiftedACIII
09/24/17 11:55:26 PM
#9:


Is that fucking real
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CarlGrimes
09/25/17 12:03:46 AM
#10:


Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it's not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them.
THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH)
They are the world's largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE.
They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn't put them where they need to fucking go.
So they don't have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn't just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it'll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it's basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons.
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CarlGrimes
09/25/17 12:03:54 AM
#11:


"If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators." No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job.
They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it's so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) "Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!" Do not let that expression fool you, they just don't have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck.
They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them.
"Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us." Yes, thank you. "But if they're so bad at literally everything, why haven't they gone extinct." Great question.
BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT'S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that'll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY.
And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.
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You'll get a funeral if you don't wise up and call me....Carl Poppa.
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GiftedACIII
09/26/17 9:28:16 PM
#12:


Lol what
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nativengine
09/26/17 10:19:35 PM
#13:


CarlGrimes posted...
"If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators." No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job.
They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it's so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) "Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!" Do not let that expression fool you, they just don't have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck.
They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them.
"Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us." Yes, thank you. "But if they're so bad at literally everything, why haven't they gone extinct." Great question.
BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT'S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that'll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY.
And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.


Well fuck the Ocean Sunfish
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geshkigal
09/26/17 10:44:30 PM
#14:


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CarlGrimes
09/26/17 10:53:52 PM
#15:


GiftedACIII posted...
Lol what

It is a copypasta
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You'll get a funeral if you don't wise up and call me....Carl Poppa.
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KStateKing17
09/26/17 10:58:34 PM
#16:


CarlGrimes posted...
GiftedACIII posted...
Lol what

It is a copypasta

Oh alright lmao. I was getting ready to post about the rage XD
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Calwyn
09/26/17 11:03:05 PM
#17:


I couldn't give two shits about the real life version, but I caught one of these in Animal Crossing and put it in my home as a decoration. It's fucking rad.
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iron jojo
09/26/17 11:06:28 PM
#18:


CarlGrimes posted...

Lol
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Distant_Rainbow
09/26/17 11:11:16 PM
#19:


CarlGrimes posted...
GiftedACIII posted...
Lol what

It is a copypasta


Eh, shoulda guessed. It certainly is copypasta-worthy material.

Shame it didn't mention the thing's exponential growth rate. The thing balloons in size ridiculously fast despite its lousy diet and when full-grown is several million times the size of when it first hatches from its egg.

Looking at a skeleton of it from the 'Net, it reminds me of the Destiny Ascension from Mass Effect. That's cool, I guess.
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Questionmarktarius
09/26/17 11:13:29 PM
#20:


...where's the rest of it?
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kingdrake2
09/26/17 11:20:49 PM
#21:


Questionmarktarius posted...
...where's the rest of it?


that's what it looks like...
add two fins, a jaw and some teeth it would look like a sharpedo.
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Vaati_Reborn
09/26/17 11:27:24 PM
#22:


I remember when I caught one in animal crossing, I was like what the fuck is this dumb fake looking shit. glad to know they are dumb irl.
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GiftedACIII
09/28/17 11:20:57 PM
#23:


CarlGrimes posted...
GiftedACIII posted...
Lol what

It is a copypasta

I know. I was wondering what it was from
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the_cajun88
09/28/17 11:22:09 PM
#24:


kingdrake2 posted...
Questionmarktarius posted...
...where's the rest of it?


that's what it looks like...
add two fins, a jaw and some teeth it would look like a sharpedo.


issa alomomola
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