Current Events > Is it a bad idea to ambush my friend who is dealing with depression?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I haven't seen my friend in over a year because he is dealing with depression (his own words) and is a NEET.

He stays at home all day (lives with parents) at his computer and rejects all invitations to hang out. We offer come to him, pay for him if we grab food, catch up. He always says "next time" but it never comes. We've spoken to his mutual friends to see if he ever leaves his home and they actually haven't even had any sort of contact with him at all.

A group of my friends wanted to go directly to his home unannounced and tell him that we want to support him and whatever he's going through.

But is it a bad idea to do so as it would leave him unprepared to see us all in his current state?

I say yea, it's a bad idea.

he's likely to be defensive, and even resentful, if he sees you as intruding on his "safe space".

he might even start to cut off what contact you might have.

I don't have the answer as to how to get him to break out of his shell more, but I think that suddenly showing up won't help.

Yes.

It's a good idea, but you should probably go a bit further with it, kidnap him. Dress as ninjas, appear in his room in the dead of night, Yell "FBI OPEN UP!" put a bag over his head and stuff him into a van, once you're all away a good distance, like maybe a nice quiet place with a nice view take the bag off he'll see you all and sing happy birthday.

He'll be so confused he'll forget he's depressed and probably a bit peeved at you all for scaring the shit out of him.

Real answer, it's probably best it be one of you instead of all of you at once, he'll probably shy away from being real with you in front of so many faces. like maybe come one by one and try to break through to him by talking to him even if you have to sit outside his bedroom monologue to yourself about the way he makes you feel and what you think of him.

What happened to him a year ago to make him start shutting you guys out, do you know?

au_gold posted...

Yes.

What do you think we should do instead?

He doesn't show any sign of changing his habits anytime soon and I'm worried that he'll never break out of it.

I actually slightly disagree with first poster, but I can only relate my own experiences.

When i went through this, I turned away all efforts to do anything or spend time with anyone. What kind of saved me was a slightly annoying extrovert friend who pushed me a little out of the tiny bubble I'd created for myself. I think the key though was that they didn't insist I do anything or go to any events or socialise. He'd just come over with a 6 pack and we'd sit on the porch and eat some food.

So I would caution not to go over as a big group like that. Maybe some one on one time would work better.

The problem is that such a thing would be extremly mentally draining to him, and he would be uncomfortable and anxious every single second.

I would suggest that you try some softer methods, usually just chilling in some online game or something like that.

Something casual, that allows you to talk to him on one side, but also allows him to quit instantly with a simple "last round, then I go" or something like.

If you cut of his escape route like that, he will just look for ways so you can't do this ever again.

tremain07 posted...

It's a good idea, but you should probably go a bit further with it, kidnap him. Dress as ninjas, appear in his room in the dead of night, Yell "FBI OPEN UP!" put a bag over his head and stuff him into a van, once you're all away a good distance, like maybe a nice quiet place with a nice view take the bag off he'll see you all and sing happy birthday.

He'll be so confused he'll forget he's depressed and probably a bit peeved at you all for scaring the shit out of him.

Real answer, it's probably best it be one of you instead of all of you at once, he'll probably shy away from being real with you in front of so many faces. like maybe come one by one and try to break through to him by talking to him even if you have to sit outside his bedroom monologue to yourself about the way he makes you feel and what you think of him.

What happened to him a year ago to make him start shutting you guys out, do you know?

In 2021 he was one course away from graduating college, he failed then had to wait an entire year to take the same course again. He then wasn't able to find a job considering his major wasn't in high demand, then gave up searching altogether. It seems that he also gave up on other aspects of his life along with that.

Karovorak posted...

The problem is that such a thing would be extremly mentally draining to him, and he would be uncomfortable and anxious every single second.

I would suggest that you try some softer methods, usually just chilling in some online game or something like that.

Something casual, that allows you to talk to him on one side, but also allows him to quit instantly with a simple "last round, then I go" or something like.

If you cut of his escape route like that, he will just look for ways so you can't do this ever again.

We do play games with him, he never wants to talk about his life, he only wants to focus on what's happening in the game. It's all very surface. Any time we try to pry even slightly he closes himself off and changes the topic so we don't try to press the issue anymore.

rofflemypancake posted...

We do play games with him, he never wants to talk about his life, he only wants to focus on what's happening in the game. It's all very surface. Any time we try to pry even slightly he closes himself off and changes the topic.

Are you able to talk about other casual topics besides his life? Movies? Current events? Big tiddy anime girls?

Eh, at this point I say go for it. Ive been sort of there before and a group of friends making an effort, as annoying it would be at the time; would have meant the world to me. Like maybe not so happy in the moment, but afterwards i would feel shittier not making an effort for these people in the future. Seems like the guy needs a bit of a wakeup call or at least might benefit from a showing that you want to do whatever you can to help. Shows that it isnt just empty words.

Dont force him to see you guys, though. He might not be there yet. Let him know that you all came, because you all miss and care about him, though. Even knowing you probably wont be able to see him at that moment.

It's probably a bad idea to do it as a group and make a big deal out of it with all the offers of support. That can be overwhelming and maybe the guy doesn't want to feel like he causes people to worry, or needs an intervention.

If one person goes to see him, just for a quick casual chat about some mutual interest, no big deal or drama about his welfare, he will likely be much more receptive to this low key approach.

Kim_Seong-a posted...

Are you able to talk about other casual topics besides his life? Movies? Current events? Big tiddy anime girls?

Sure, here and there but that's pretty surface as well

rofflemypancake posted...

In 2021 he was one course away from graduating college, he failed then had to wait an entire year to take the same course again. He then wasn't able to find a job considering his major wasn't in high demand, then gave up searching altogether. It seems that he also gave up on other aspects of his life along with that.

Yeah that'd do it, he's using the games as an escape his feelings and eventually it's all gonna come out especially if he's cornered and can't escape back to a game, but sometimes being forced to confront your problems is the only way to move forward, I really don't know what advice to give you TC other than, don't take whatever hurtful things he'll likely say when confronted to heart, he's been living with negative feelings for a year and might lash out.

I can say this because during my own depressive arc I just didn't want to acknowledge the world around me anymore, I felt like a total failure, I even started resenting people and one day it all blew up when just one innocent comment about shoes had me rip my shoes off and throw them into the yard and yell about how I wasn't allowed to feel negative emotions and some shit. Once I came down from it I was so embarrassed, disgusted with myself and ashamed I'd let myself get that far down. The apologies I had to make made me feel even more like shit but it did help motivate me to keep trying to get a job.

So maybe your friend does need that crack moment before he starts to recover

Ambush? In group? Very bad idea. Please refrain from driving someone into a corner like that; it breeds resistance.

rofflemypancake posted...

Any time we try to pry even slightly he closes himself off and changes the topic so we don't try to press the issue anymore.

Yeah that won't work. Would you like others to pry into your life unnecessarily TC?

rofflemypancake posted...

What do you think we should do instead?

He doesn't show any sign of changing his habits anytime soon and I'm worried that he'll never break out of it.

Am I right that he still at least relates to his parents? In that case maybe talk to them first? I don't mean talking about life issue and such but a real casual talk about sport/weather/pet and so on. Do not pry, do not pity talk, just talk. Crack a joke or two and laugh with his family.

Let him know that his own family welcomes you as someone to talk to and maybe, just maybe, that would lower his guard around you.

Send them this (spoilers for ghost and Molly McGee)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gyeK4PxuXOI&pp=ygUPbWF5YmUgbmV4dCB0aW1l

rofflemypancake posted...

We do play games with him, he never wants to talk about his life, he only wants to focus on what's happening in the game. It's all very surface. Any time we try to pry even slightly he closes himself off and changes the topic so we don't try to press the issue anymore.

The problem is, if he truly has depression and is antisocial, everything you do will be seen negativly by him.

You focus on him? He feels pressured, forced to engage, explain himself, evaluated and judged by others, and worse.

You don't focus on him? He won't engage with you on his own because he can't, and when he will see the rest of group acting social, he will feel bad, antisocial, unnecessary, worthless, and worse.

Best I can recommend is not trying to help him, but trying to give him a good time. Something that somewhat encourages him to maybe get back on his feet, to get more of such good times.

Oh, and also try to not make it look like some charity out of pity. If he thinks you "do something for him because he is so pitiful", he will also feel guilty.

The problem with depression is that there is no easy way out, especially not from the outside, and especially no general solution that works for everyone. Everything is black, bad, terrible, and he sees himself always as the center of it.

But if he doesn't acknowledge the issue himself, and starts working on it, I don't think that there is much you can do.

I say go for it. What do you got to lose? Maybe it'll remind him what it'll be like to hang with his friends again. He might be angry at first, but he'll probably enjoy it after a bit.

pinky0926 posted...

I actually slightly disagree with first poster, but I can only relate my own experiences.

When i went through this, I turned away all efforts to do anything or spend time with anyone. What kind of saved me was a slightly annoying extrovert friend who pushed me a little out of the tiny bubble I'd created for myself. I think the key though was that they didn't insist I do anything or go to any events or socialise. He'd just come over with a 6 pack and we'd sit on the porch and eat some food.

So I would caution not to go over as a big group like that. Maybe some one on one time would work better.

This fits in with my experiences with a friend with depression. Id turn up with food and booze and wed play games and watch crap films at his place. For about six months, that was all the social interaction he had, me coming over to do that once a week.

Hes a lot better now, and hes told me many times that it really helped him.

Yeah, don't go as a great big group and don't turn it into a miserable pity party, but doing something in person might be the kick up the arse he needs.

The obvious problem with mental illness is that whatever solution a sufferer personally comes up with to try and solve their issues is rarely ideal. A light shock to this perfect little bubble they've created might be the best thing for them. Just make sure it's only a light shock.

thisworld posted...

Ambush? In group? Very bad idea. Please refrain from driving someone into a corner like that; it breeds resistance.

Yeah that won't work. Would you like others to pry into your life unnecessarily TC?

Am I right that he still at least relates to his parents? In that case maybe talk to them first? I don't mean talking about life issue and such but a real casual talk about sport/weather/pet and so on. Do not pry, do not pity talk, just talk. Crack a joke or two and laugh with his family.

Let him know that his own family welcomes you as someone to talk to and maybe, just maybe, that would lower his guard around you.

Interesting idea, but how do you propose I get in contact with his parents without going to his home? I think he'll have questions if I randomly ask him for his parents contact info.

Glob posted...

This fits in with my experiences with a friend with depression. Id turn up with food and booze and wed play games and watch crap films at his place. For about six months, that was all the social interaction he had, me coming over to do that once a week.

Hes a lot better now, and hes told me many times that it really helped him.

I wish I could do this, but every time I suggested it to him he declines. One on one, not as a big group.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


What do you think we should do instead?

He doesn't show any sign of changing his habits anytime soon and I'm worried that he'll never break out of it.

"Hey bro, I'm in the area, would it be cool if I dropped by? Haven't seen you in a bit"

If he denies be like

"Alright, but next time I'm in the area I'm gonna let you know, ok? Just wanna hang out for a bit"

And yeah like everyone else was saying, nothing big, nothing extravagant

Even something like a movie and be like "yo I just got the ____ movie, it's gonna be boring watching alone, wanna watch it together?"

Surprise the guy with your Manic Pixie Dream Flashmob, what could go wrong?

how close of friends are you? have you shown up to his place unannounced in the past, prior to his depression?

I was in a similar situation as your friend a few years ago, what got me out of that rut was one friend showing up out of the blue with a 6 pack.
If it was a group, I probably would have shut them out. but one person? that was easy to deal with at the time, and it gave me a chance to step away from the depression, and kind of put things in a different perspective.

I'd say have whoever's closest with your friend show up, but not an entire group. Even if it's a "hey, I was driving by and thought I'd stop to say hi" type of thing, it could really help. Sometimes all someone needs is a little nudge.

Yes, it can seem invasive to some people, but in my opinion it's much better to try, and reaching out to someone in person is much more effective than over text.

bnui_ransder posted...

"Hey bro, I'm in the area, would it be cool if I dropped by? Haven't seen you in a bit"

If he denies be like

"Alright, but next time I'm in the area I'm gonna let you know, ok? Just wanna hang out for a bit"

And yeah like everyone else was saying, nothing big, nothing extravagant

Even something like a movie and be like "yo I just got the ____ movie, it's gonna be boring watching alone, wanna watch it together?"

I actually tried this almost 10 times, he either declined every time or came up with an excuse. Eventually I stopped because it didn't seem like it would work.

rofflemypancake posted...

I actually tried this almost 10 times, he either declined every time or came up with an excuse. Eventually I stopped because it didn't seem like it would work.

Probably a bad idea but personally I would have shown up after that many times and just taken a picture of his window and sent it to him

Only if you shout intervention intervention intervention over and over.

BucketCat posted...

how close of friends are you? have you shown up to his place unannounced in the past, prior to his depression?

I was in a similar situation as your friend a few years ago, what got me out of that rut was one friend showing up out of the blue with a 6 pack.
If it was a group, I probably would have shut them out. but one person? that was easy to deal with at the time, and it gave me a chance to step away from the depression, and kind of put things in a different perspective.

I'd say have whoever's closest with your friend show up, but not an entire group. Even if it's a "hey, I was driving by and thought I'd stop to say hi" type of thing, it could really help. Sometimes all someone needs is a little nudge.

Yes, it can seem invasive to some people, but in my opinion it's much better to try, and reaching out to someone in person is much more effective than over text.

You could make an argument that we are his closest non-family friends. Our group of 5 friends have been together for 20 years. We've never shown up unannounced because we've never felt it to be necessary he used to always open his home to us when we asked.

So, all these posts saying he's gonna for sure feel one way or another are full of it. Everyone will take it differently and some people will get upset and some people won't get upset. We don't know him. First thing is how do you feel he would take it, TC?

rofflemypancake posted...

I wish I could do this, but every time I suggested it to him he declines. One on one, not as a big group.

I didnt ask. Just turned up with more food than it was feasible for one person to eat.

rofflemypancake posted...

In 2021 he was one course away from graduating college, he failed then had to wait an entire year to take the same course again. He then wasn't able to find a job considering his major wasn't in high demand, then gave up searching altogether. It seems that he also gave up on other aspects of his life along with that.

That happened to me too. I was too dumb to finish some courses (but did finish others) but since society doesnt want or have a purpose for me, I couldnt find work. Its very easy to take the hint and just yell fuck it.

Dark_Arbron posted...

That happened to me too. I was too dumb to finish some courses (but did finish others) but since society doesnt want or have a purpose for me, I couldnt find work. Its very easy to take the hint and just yell fuck it.

Thats a bit of a cop out. Society doesnt have a purpose for most of us. Thats part of why we change and develop to make ourselves more desirable. Its easy to say and hard to do, sure, but most people dont just fall into good jobs.

Glob posted...

Thats a bit of a cop out. Society doesnt have a purpose for most of us. Thats part of why we change and develop to make ourselves more desirable. Its easy to say and hard to do, sure, but most people dont just fall into good jobs.

I didnt say a good job, just a job. Every time I send an application for an entry level position and hear nothing, Im reminded of what I said above. Hell I could apply to McDonalds and theyd likely not take me. Thats the vibe employers seem to instinctively get from me.

Also its not so much a cop out as it is knowing when to fold your (shitty) hand.

Dark_Arbron posted...

I didnt say a good job, just a job. Every time I send an application for an entry level position and hear nothing, Im reminded of what I said above. Hell I could apply to McDonalds and theyd likely not take me. Thats the vibe employers seem to instinctively get from me.

Also its not so much a cop out as it is knowing when to fold your (shitty) hand.

So you havent applied to McDonalds?