Current Events > Welp, my friend asked me out and we dated for a grand total of a week or so.

(+) Yeah! (+)

I made a topic about it a few weeks ago but I doubt anyone remembers it. Anyway I'm not looking for advice I guess (though wouldn't mind it even though I think there's really nothing more to be done) but rather just want to tell the story and get it off my chest.

It'll probably be way long so turn back now if you're not down to read a story.

Anyway this is a former coworker who I've known for a bit over a year. She left when she got another full-time job somewhere else. There's also a bit of an age gap here, (she's early 20s and I'm early 30s) but we got along really well at work. We started hanging out and became friends after she left my work and it was definitely platonic though there were small signs here and there of her being a little interested, though I thought nothing of it and was content being her friend. This went on for 6-ish months.

A turning point is when we went to Disneyland and I started to definitely feel there was a mutual attraction growing during that trip. I won't get into the details but there was plenty of signs and we spent the whole day together. This was a bit less than a month ago.

Anyway that was more or less confirmed when she asked me out the weekend after that and specified that she was asking me out on a date. She asked if she was too young for me and I said I didn't think so and let's give it a try.

So we went on the date the weekend after, she dressed up super nice for it (nice dress, hair done up, heels) and we had dinner and a saw a movie. We've done that before plenty of times but it was an official "date" now. I really felt like we both had a blast, plenty of talking/laughing/touching.

I dropped her off and before she got out of the car, I asked if I could kiss her. She said "Sure!" all happy and leaned in for a kiss. So we kissed but it was fairly brief. I mean, first kiss with someone new and all. When we pulled away, she said "That's it? OK, bye (my name)...." and started packing up all her stuff. So I called her in for another one and she grinned. However I was thrown off mentally by her "that's it" and was nervous as a result, and it was a pretty bad/out of sync kiss. Wasn't sure what she wanted and I felt we were trying to do two separate things.

Can't remember if I pulled away or she did. Anyway when that ended she was pretty quiet and just gathered her stuff up and said bye, and got out of the car. I definitely felt like that went wrong.

So the next day I texted her and asked if for our next thing, she wanted to come by my place and we could cook something together and just hang out as I wanted to show her the house. Part of it was I wanted to see if she'd flake after that awkward kiss moment. However she said sure and seemed enthusiastic, was still sending heart emojis with exclamation points etc. She said she was going to bake me something to bring and said she was looking forward to coming over. Since it was weighing on my mind I told her I owed her a better kiss next time, and she said don't worry about that, it's not an issue and that we just started dating.

A couple days later I found out she quit her new job. It was a pretty good full-time position with a City government (similar to what I do). She had talked about how stressful it was to me before but I thought this was a pretty bad and impulsive move. It wasn't stressful because the work was hard (according to her) but rather because she just didn't like her coworkers. If she would have talked to me about it, I probably would have tried to talk her out of it until she had a new job lined up. I asked if she was still up to come over given all the stress, she said of course with a smiley face.

So the day came when she came over (last Saturday) and she brought me a homemade pie she made along with ingredients she prepared for the dish we were going to cook. She was friendly, we joked and laughed like we usually do, but she was also kind of cool and distant. Not kind of all over me at times like she was on the date. After we ate we sat on the couch and watched Netflix. I definitely didn't invite her over to try to push it toward sex or anything but I hoped for a bit of cuddling on the couch. However her body language wasn't inviting toward that at all (crossed arms, putting distance between us). I could just tell so I didn't try to initiate any sort of touch.

After a couple hours she said she had to go and just left abruptly. Walked out the door with just a hurried "well, bye" and no hug like she always did even when we hung out platonically.

I texted her and asked what was up, if she was still interested in dating because I didn't get the vibe tonight that it was anything other than a friend hangout. She texted back saying something like:

"I just feel like you have your life together way more than I do. I feel like I need to get my life sorted out first. I don't know what I want yet and I don't want to waste your time. I feel like we're in two very different places."

She then said she wanted to stay friends and that it was "absolutely not anything you did at all".

So my thought is that the explanation sounds like a typical excuse when you don't want to tell someone the real reason. I'm thinking I somehow screwed it up when a woman actually liked me enough to ask ME out. We're definitely in two different places (I own my home/have a job while she lives with her mom and is now unemployed) but she knew that from the jump and knew it didn't bother me and that I didn't judge for it. I have a hunch it was the whole kiss situation but if it was I doubt she would've came over?

Side note, the pie was amazing.

Ouch, TC.

Damn bro...

Send her a dick pic

Your farts weren't as silent as you thought.

Girls want you to compliment their looks

if she did that work for a date then she appreciate a , even a wow glimpse (fb reference), reaction from you

also flirting is healthy

im not really sure what to tell ya tho when I read thats it

St0rmFury posted...

Ouch, TC.

tripleh213 posted...

Damn bro...

Lol, so it does seem as irreparable as I think? I'm planning on hanging out in a few weeks (as I said we were good friends before) and considering asking her one more time if it was anything I did, and to please be honest as my friend even if just for the sake of helping me in the future. But maybe not as she probably still won't tell me the truth.

Monkey_Shines posted...

Send her a dick pic

I think I'm now out of the window of about one week where there was the possibility she would have wanted to see it.

Date her mom instead

Itachi157 posted...

considering asking her one more time if it was anything I did, and to please be honest as my friend even if just for the sake of helping me in the future.

o_O

She just told you the reason. She needs to go on a journey of sex discovery, it's not you.

*Self discovery

Sounds like she's in a bad place. Just give her space. Tell her you're there to hang out whenever she's down and let it be for the moment

Itachi157 posted...

I dropped her off and before she got out of the car, I asked if I could kiss her. She said "Sure!" all happy and leaned in for a kiss. So we kissed but it was fairly brief. I mean, first kiss with someone new and all. When we pulled away, she said "That's it? OK, bye (my name)...." and started packing up all her stuff. So I called her in for another one and she grinned. However I was thrown off mentally by her "that's it" and was nervous as a result, and it was a pretty bad/out of sync kiss. Wasn't sure what she wanted and I felt we were trying to do two separate things.

I literally, physically cringed so hard that I hurt the clavicular head on my left pectoral.

You done fucked up tc. It's not your fault in that you don't know how to be, but god, ow, you actually hurt me.

Guide posted...

I literally, physically cringed so hard that I hurt the clavicular head on my left pectoral.

Now imagine living it. And if it really was the reason for it all coming crashing down I'll probably randomly remember it from time to time for the rest of my life.

Smashingpmkns posted...

Sounds like she's in a bad place. Just give her space. Tell her you're there to hang out whenever she's down and let it be for the moment

Yeah that's pretty much what I did. I told her it seems she's stressed with a lot of stuff and to hit me up if she wants to talk. I told her we'd reset and hang out again but "maybe in a few weeks".

The only way to salvage this is to invite her over again but answer the door wearing nothing but a necktie.

Works 2/3 times.

Sometimes people think they like the idea of dating someone, but it doesn't quite work out for them the way they thought.

The age gap is definitely showing. She's younger, more impulsive, unsettled. You're older, more pragmatic, more of a long term thinker.

But if you ask me, she's right. She's not in the right place to be dating you at the moment.

But if you wanna know what happened, she is young, putting herself into a vulnerable position with someone older, and so felt exposed and insecure. She was looking for cuddles and romantic sex at the end, there. Your awkward cold feet felt like rejection to her. Regardless of whether or not she understands that she wasn't rejected, that feeling on someone in her position is going to have a chilling effect. That's the opposite of what you want from a romantic prospect, and so, even if she still thinks you're a decent person, you no longer have the romance flag in her eyes.

ai123 posted...

Sometimes people think they like the idea of dating someone, but it doesn't quite work out for them the way they thought.

The age gap is definitely showing. She's younger, more impulsive, unsettled. You're older, more pragmatic, more of a long term thinker.

But if you ask me, she's right. She's not in the right place to be dating you at the moment.

This. Younger people are more impulsive and fickle.

My biggest dating headaches have been when dating younger girls

The kiss thing just simply would have been more of a non issue with someone older. Sometimes affection for the first time can be little awkward as people try to work each other out and most people understand that. It's not like TC became weird after it she was just expecting a Jack and Rose moment

Guide posted...

But if you wanna know what happened, she is young, putting herself into a vulnerable position with someone older, and so felt exposed and insecure. She was looking for cuddles and romantic sex at the end, there. Your awkward cold feet felt like rejection to her. Regardless of whether or not she understands that she wasn't rejected, that feeling on someone in her position is going to have a chilling effect. That's the opposite of what you want from a romantic prospect, and so, even if she still thinks you're a decent person, you no longer have the romance flag in her eyes.

That thought crossed my mind when she left my house on Saturday. It could have been a misread on my part but as soon as she walked through the door, I felt a slightly cold vibe from her. Just a "Hey." when she walked in and no hug to greet (or opportunity for me to give her one). We had fun conversations but we had those also when we were just friends hanging out.

When we were on the couch later I just got the vibe that initiating touching wouldn't be welcomed even though we were still conversing. Sat a little distance from me, pretty sure scooted away from me at one point, arms crossed over her chest. Last thing I'd want to do would be to make an unwanted physical advance on someone that's alone with me in my home. I acknowledge I could be wrong though. I mean if she was smiling and looking at my face more, brushing against me a little I would have taken that as a green light (not necessarily to bang but at least for cuddling).

Fuck it sounds like a bit more communication could have fixed this

haloiscoolisbak posted...

Fuck it sounds like a bit more communication could have fixed this

Maybe. I mean I'm not going to pester her about it over texts but I imagine I'll see her within a couple weeks. I'll try to bring it up in person and find out how she felt about everything. I have her given explanation which could be legit of course but I feel there's more to it for sure.

Itachi157 posted...

Maybe. I mean I'm not going to pester her about it over texts but I imagine I'll see her within a couple weeks. I'll try to bring it up in person and find out how she felt about everything. I have her given explanation which could be legit of course but I feel there's more to it for sure.

I think that's best. Be grateful you actually get a chance to talk it through with her in person, I've had to do similar stuff over text and it sucks

haloiscoolisbak posted...

I think that's best. Be grateful you actually get a chance to talk it through with her in person, I've had to do similar stuff over text and it sucks

Yeah I have her pie dish to return but even without that pretext it wouldn't be hard to see her again. We were/are friends (she even called me her best friend at one point).

I do wonder if dating me was more of a whim/impulse thing she decided she wanted to try, and it just wasn't interesting enough to truly pursue. In past conversations she'd tell me about dates she was going on, her type of guy physically (which was the opposite of me), etc which isn't really a conversation you'd have with a guy you're interested in. There were minor signs here and there of a possible interest in me (she'd get annoyed if I talked about women at our previous shared job I was interested in and discouraged me from using dating apps) but I always thought it leaned way more toward platonic with her. But my point is I don't think she had always liked me.

Don't sell yourself too short. You don't get to be an impulse choice without some significant level of appeal.

Itachi157 posted...

Maybe. I mean I'm not going to pester her about it over texts but I imagine I'll see her within a couple weeks. I'll try to bring it up in person and find out how she felt about everything. I have her given explanation which could be legit of course but I feel there's more to it for sure

Hear me when I say this. Dont push. Its over. Shes about to hop on every dude from here on out. Stay friends or whatever but, NEXT!

What's surprising to me I'd think usually girls don't want to jeopardize a strong friendship (she literally called you her best friend)by risking casually dating you, which obviously often does not work out

I'd have thought the fact she was the one to ask you out and potentially change the relationship forever, that she'd have been a little more flexible or understanding with one or two awkward moments during the very first time you're affectionate.

Or at least be willing to talk it out. You got the explanation strangers give each other when it doesn't work out

Seems way too fickle and is pretty unfair to you imo. But maybe don't say that last part lol

haloiscoolisbak posted...

What's surprising to me I'd think usually girls don't want to jeopardize a strong friendship (she literally called you her best friend)by risking casually dating you, which obviously often does not work out

I'd have thought the fact she was the one to ask you out and potentially change the relationship forever, that she'd have been a little more flexible or understanding with one or two awkward moments during the very first time you're affectionate.

Or at least be willing to talk it out. You got the explanation strangers give each other when it doesn't work out

Seems way too fickle and is pretty unfair to you imo. But maybe don't say that last part lol

Telling you, he shouldnt say anything. Just next and goodbye.

There was something that happened when they were together that turned her off by the whole idea. Also, she is more than likely talking to other men. One of the other guys made her tingle more. Thats it. Its like when a girl says to you, Im not ready for a relationship. Thats bullshit. She is, but just not with you.

what's weird is that you say you've spent a lot of time with her in the past, yet everything you say makes it seem like you don't know her at all. you can't read her hints or mannerisms? you seem to doubt and question everything.

i highly doubt it was all because of one awkward kiss moment. awkward kiss moments happen all the time. i guess that's maybe it too, you're putting so much importance on it. were you like this when you were just friends?

Damn. And yeah idk if that text after the netflix hangout is the whole story or not from her

btw, how are her boobs? >_>

Man, I know it's tough to hear, but leave it and move on. Certain types of people want an explanation or for things to make sense, but you're often not going to get that. I feel your pain because I am such a person. The "it's not me it's you" thing almost always means it's you and the person is moving on diplomatically (or trying to), no matter what the context is.

I'd be curious to see if you really remain friends long term.

So besides an awkward peck at the end of the 'date', how was this different than any other time you guys hung out as friends? She asked you out, specified that this was a date, yet seems like you offered nothing different in return. She wanted to feel sexy and wanted.

Your second opportunity didn't fare much better (which you're aware of). Maybe she was acting more distant and cold, but think about this: you're the man here, older with presumed experience. It was YOUR house. You had homefield advantage. Was she supposed to hop on your dick in unfamiliar territory? You needed to make her feel comfortable... and, again, sexy and wanted.

Instead, you guys ate and then sat around awkwardly for hours. You didn't have to be pushy about sex but at that point it probably would've been less awkward that what actually happened. But it's not even about the act of sex itself, you just needed to give her SOMETHING. Snuggle, hold hands, rub on her (not there, just even on the arm or shoulder), kiss her cheek/neck/etc. ANYTHING.

Instead, now she'll probably be banging her 20-something-aged flings in the backseat of a car even though they likely have nothing else to offer her and it won't last. If someone wants to be with you, they will move mountains to make it happen. The excuse she gave you was easier for her to say than the actual truth, which is that you were a pussy. But since you are friends (and now clearly just friends) she didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Don't squander your opportunities, man. It sucks and we've all been there. The ones that told you to move on are likely right. Not saying there will never be an opportunity to rectify the situation, but don't sit around thinking about "what if" forever.

Smashingpmkns posted...

Sounds like she's in a bad place. Just give her space. Tell her you're there to hang out whenever she's down and let it be for the moment

this. youre overthinking it tc.

I fucking cant staaaaand when girls do that shit. Nothing has honestly fucked me up mentally more than the gaslighting and the games. Its gotten to the point where its completely put me off dating.

I dont have any advice or anything, but I feel ya.