Poll of the Day > Favorite biblical stories?

(+) Yeah! (+)

Note: You don't necessarily have to believe in them, I just want to know your favorite or most interesting stories from the Bible.

I think I like the Tower of Babel one which gives an explanation as to why there are different languages in the world. I also like the Book of Revelation for its description of a possible future utopian city.

When Jesus says "Fuck the rich"

I like the older versions of some tales. Like the Epic of Gilgamesh's version of the Great Flood and resulting Arc.

"Florida man knocks up his two daughters, claims he was too drunk to say no."

Entity13 posted...

I like the older versions of some tales. Like the Epic of Gilgamesh's version of the Great Flood and resulting Arc.

I read a summary of that story, and it is a more interesting version than the one in the Old Testament! (I also think it could be compared to Gnostic beliefs with the whole "two deities" thing.)

I like the one where god tells his son to 'get in the fucking robot'

2 Kings 2:23-24

23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. Get out of here, baldy! they said. Get out of here, baldy! 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.

I loved the one where freakin JESUS TURNED WATER INTO FREAKIN WINE LIKE HOLY SCHMOLY!!!

Judges 19, what a wonderful story.

Numbers 31:17 Now therefore kill every male among the little ones.
Deuteronomy 2:34 utterly destroyed the men and the women and the little ones.
Deuteronomy 28:53 And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters.
I Samuel 15:3 slay both man and woman, infant and suckling.
2 Kings 8:12 dash their children, and rip up their women with child.
2 Kings 15:16 all the women therein that were with child he ripped up.
Isaiah 13:16 Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled and their wives ravished.
Isaiah 13:18 They shall have no pity on the fruit of the womb; their eyes shall not spare children.
Lamentations 2:20 Shall the women eat their fruit, and children.
Ezekiel 9:6 Slay utterly old and young, both maids and little children.
Hosea 9:14 give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts.
Hosea 13:16 their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.

I liked it better before the 0AD Crisis reboot wound up retconning everything.

Jesus was way cooler when he was a Jewish dude who was trained as a Pharisee and passed control of his church to his brother. A lot of the metaphysical BS Paul added really ruined the series. And was mostly a ripoff of Greek Mystery Cult and Mithras continuities as well. They never should hired him as a writer. It's a perfect example of fanboys ruining everything.

My dad always told me that Paul was on drugs

Zareth posted...

My dad always told me that Paul was on drugs

Paul might be the canonical antichrist

The one where Jesus puts the rich in their place.

Ezekiel 23:20

Zareth posted...

My dad always told me that Paul was on drugs

Ergot poisoning was fairly common in those days. Ergot, Claviceps purpurea, is a fungus that infects rye, and sometimes wheat, barley, and triticale. It contains the alkaloid ergotamine, which can be processed to form lysergic acid diethylamide, better known as LSD.

Side effects of ergot poisoning include hallucinations, irrational behavior, convulsions, and unconsciousness. It can also cause vasoconstriction, which can lead to gangrene and a burning sensation in the limbs (St. Anthony's fire).

Remember when Cain was expelled and he went to marry a girl from the city of Nod, which coincidentally had no adults since that would imply Nod is as old as the garden... and certainly no grandparents since they would be older than the universe.

oh, and enjoy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3syUejwzd3Q

Pharisee and Tax Collector parable

You mean, besides Jesus's death and resurrection? The single most important revelation to humanity that has ever been given, and ever will? That life changing, history-altering, prophecy-fulfilling, epic, emotionally-fulfulling and endlessly hopeful/impactful Word of good news given to everyone?

Well...

How about 1 Kings 8: 20 - 40? Elijah vs. the prophets of Baal? God uses Elijah to put a bunch of crazy, violent, blood-letting false prophets to shame! It's an amazing show! My favorite part is when Elijah asks if their false god never shows up because he's stuck on the toilet. LOL!
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Kings%2018%3A20-40&version=ESV

Idk, I guess I like Moses, he freed the slaves using god powers. Seems pretty badass.

He called down fire tornados to stop an army and split a sea so they could escape. Canonically the most powerful saint.

my favorite bible stories pretty much from the old testament

Genesis
Elijah
Moses
David's life after defeating the giant/goliath
God smiting people, ruining their crops whenever someone else prays to God
Job

Job

iirc, there's one where Jesus gets so butthurt that some random fig tree doesn't have any fruit for him to eat, he just straight up curses the tree so that it never bares fruit again.

Extremely petty, yet relatable....

The one where Jesus suplexes job

Too many bullshit filler arcs in the Bible because they went in without a cohesive idea of what the main story should be. Just kept derailing the main story into dead end side tales.

The best stories are the ones where God is a petty asshole who kills people for no reason

Solomon's wish to be a wise ruler, so he humbled himself like a child then was rewarded with insight, wealth, and government to take care of everything all in one. It did have a bittersweet ending to it, but it is a reminder for me to ask for practical wisedom to get on in business, in lieu of selfish requests I take it.

Babel

Exodus

Last Supper

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat wound up being a lot of fun, although I was always split on the original story.

Zareth posted...

The best stories are the ones where God is a petty asshole who kills people for no reason

yeah Old Testament while it had solo stories of Samson, Elijah, whatshisface and the lions den, David and Genesis,

there's also people constantly praying to God to get rid of their enemies and crops pretty much every time

15 years ago i was really into reading the Old Testament for awhile. then took a break where Im somewhere in the middle of the Old Testament. Cant remember what story/chapter i stopped at.

should get back into reading the rest of the Old Testament

AElaias posted...

wisedom

Tee hee!

Why does everyone always shit on Judas when if it weren't for him Jesus wouldn't have been crucified, which was like the entire point of his existence

Zareth posted...

Why does everyone always shit on Judas when if it weren't for him Jesus wouldn't have been crucified, which was like the entire point of his existence

In some interpretations of the story Jesus actually told him to do it, for precisely that reason.

But that's like pointing out that the Pharaoh in the Old Testament was literally willing to let the Jews leave Egypt after the second Plague, but God magically made him change his mind, because God had come up with Ten Plagues and wanted to get to use them all, damn it. And then acts like the Egyptians totally deserve to have all their firstborn sons murdered because Pharaoh did the thing that God wanted him to do (and made him do) in the first place. God's a dick.

Though it gets more complicated when you take real-world history and assumptions into account, because neither of those stories likely happened in the first place. As far as we can tell Jews were never slaves in Egypt, and Judas was probably one of the more loyal Disciples. And only got framed after-the-fact because Paul was writing a very pro-Rome version of the story for Romans, which is why he demonizes the Pharisees (in spite of the fact that Jesus almost certainly was one), and why he absolves the Romans via Pilate (who almost certainly wouldn't have acted that way because most evidence implies he was a brutal asshole), and blames everything on the Jews wanting Jesus dead (when it would have only be the Roman-collaborating Jews who would have had that mindset).

Telling people that you're the descendant of the rightful royal family in a conquered nation being ruled over by a militant empire and preaching resistance to their rule is a good way to get yourself killed. But writing in your holy book that said empire killed your god while you're preaching to that empire is also a good way to get yourself killed. So Paul had a vested interest in changing details. As did the people who followed him.